Self Harming, would you buy this?

[FurryFury]

So this week I was in the hot tub on vacation with my girl. I told her a place on her shoulder looked like a burn. She said it was. How did you get it? I asked. She replied, "I did it with the lamp."

I was shocked.

She showed me two other burns on her leg.

She then told me, that we had already talked about all this. She said I told it it wasn't okay to do that and to stop so she had. She said this happened over a year ago.

She also said she tried cutting once but didn't like it the way she did burning.

I'll admit I try to forget unpleasant things but I don't remember this conversation at all. She sometimes changes history or remembers things that never IMO happened. This could have happened. My memory is far from perfect.

My question is, how easy is it to give up self harming? That seems far too easy to me.

Frankly, I'm scared that if she would do this, she might do worse to herself, even commit suicide.

So any experience, wisdom or resources would be appreciated.

 

[ecstaticsub]

My daughter has admitted to cuttng once in the past year along with wanting to self harm. I asked her if she wanted to see a therapist and she said she did. She eventually admitted to me that she had suicidal thoughts. She is now in therapy and on medication.

She seems to be alot less depressed than she was 6 months ago and denies any sort of cutting/self harming.

I am not sure if there is any corralation between self-harming activitis and suicidal thoughts but there is/was in my daughters case.

 

[Mazuri]

My question is, how easy is it to give up self harming? That seems far too easy to me.

For me, it's not easy at all, but I'm getting there. For most of the first half of 2006, I used cutting as a means of being able to have something to focus on when the pain inside was far too much to deal with. When the pain outside is great, the pain inside didn't seem as bad (or at least it became tolerable). I stopped short of a suicide attempt and that was what made me realize I was going too far.

I can't say if your friend could have stopped that easily, but I know it's damn difficult for me still. I'm in therapy and have just started on ADs, but there are still days when it'd be soo much easier to just curl up on the bed, have a great big ol' cry, and bond with my favorite razor. I don't because I promised my husband I'd not do that again but it's still lurking in the back of my mind sometimes when things get really hard.

 

[HottieMama]

It wasn't easy for me...not in the least. Still isn't. i haven't cut in a while but i still do other more subtle forms of self harm. Like Mazuri said, it is an equalizer for me. i don't know if she stopped that easily, but i hope she did.

Coincidently, and maybe this is a completely different topic, the more BDSM pain i receive, the less i feel the need to self-harm.


(good lord..i can feel the flames coming...)

 

[Shankara20]

If your daughters self-harm was based on exploration and curiosity it might be rather easy for her to give it up, as she states she had. If, however, the self-harm is driven be a need to use the self-pain to divert from some other internal emotional pain it may very well take some professional counseling to help her deal with it.

It is not uncommon for girls to have friends that "cut" and she may have just been checking it out. It is wise for you to be concerned, and I think seeking someone to help you sort it out is a good course of action. The fact that she is not hiding the scars from you is a good sign. It does not sound like you are panicking, yet. Good for you. If you daughter is dealing with some internal pain she will need all the support you can give her.

 

[myinnerslut]

like any self harm behavior, be it cutting, an eating disorder, burns, etc, it can be addictive. its difficult to stop, especially if you have nothing to take the place of the behavior. all i can say is support her. support her when you are so frustrated you want to throw something against the wall. support her when it hurts to see somebody you love hurting. support her when you dont understand her. support her when she screams at you that she doesnt want or need your help, becuase thats not true. and support her even if it takes a long time to start to get past a salf harm behavior.

disclaimer: im sure there are some exceptions to my words, but this is what i have to offer.

 

[snowy ciara]

Edited because I meant to reply via PM, not here. If you saw the original post, please delete and don't quote.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I don't think it is easy to give up, especially if the reason behhind the sef harm is not sought, acknowledged and dealt with. It may take a long time, it may even be confronting and uncomfortable for you FF, but for the long term I think it is the best way to go as opposed to just hoping all will be OK.

Catalina

 

[graceanne]

The fact that she told you tells me (and I could be wrong) that she wants help, otherwise she'd probably keep it to herself. She's a smart girl, she had to know that you wouldn't want her to do this. I'd do as someone else (can't recall who) suggested and ask if she'd like to see a therapist and then help her find a good one.

ETA:

another thing you might want to consider is that self harming is becoming a 'cool' thing to do - their's entire websites devoted to it. Check and make sure her friends aren't doing this, too.

 

[subgrl18]

when i was 12 i started hurting myself, it started with just scratching myself, then i would burn myself usualy with my lava lamp bulb and the lightbulb from the light on my bedstand. Then i started cutting and for the most part the burnin myself stopped. i tried to kill myself when i was 13. long after my suicidal feelings went i away i still felt the need to cut. I continued to cut until i was almost 17. To me cutting was not about killing myself or wanting to kill myself it was about dulling the pain, cutting releases endorphins, endorphins make u feel good, make u feel alive. and the big thing it makes u foget the pain, even if its only for a little bit. The problem was that for me it was like i was building a tolerance to the endorphins..so it was taking more and more pain to get me to the same feeling so i was doing more drastic, dangerous things to get my to that place. and thats when cutting and suicide blended into one because i was cutting myself so bad that i could die..i could bleed to death. I Have met alot of people who self harm, as i was in hospitals for it. Some of the people i met tried self-injurious behavior a few times and decided that no matter how much they liked it they knew they needed to stop and did. Never looked back just didnt do it anymore. But other people had a hard time with it. My answer to your question about if self harm will lead to suicide the answer is no. obvoisly every case is different but self-injurious behavior does not mean the person wants to or is planning on committing suicide. think of it like this, a drug addict might do drugs to dull the pain or to feel the high, they know its not good for their body, that it hurts their body, just like the self harmer they are hurting themselvs..does that mean they want to commit suicide? So my point is that yes she could very well have just done it those few times and stopped when she found out u didnt like it, and no it doesnt mean she might be thinking about comitting suicide. but of course as i dont know her and everyone is different you should ask her about it, maybe you could tell her that it concerns you and let her know that if she ever feels like she wants to hurt herself she can come to you. Im sorry the long post, i hope it helps.

 

[graceanne]

when i was 12 i started hurting myself, it started with just scratching myself, then i would burn myself usualy with my lava lamp bulb and the lightbulb from the light on my bedstand. Then i started cutting and for the most part the burnin myself stopped. i tried to kill myself when i was 13. long after my suicidal feelings went i away i still felt the need to cut. I continued to cut until i was almost 17. To me cutting was not about killing myself or wanting to kill myself it was about dulling the pain, cutting releases endorphins, endorphins make u feel good, make u feel alive. and the big thing it makes u foget the pain, even if its only for a little bit. The problem was that for me it was like i was building a tolerance to the endorphins..so it was taking more and more pain to get me to the same feeling so i was doing more drastic, dangerous things to get my to that place. and thats when cutting and suicide blended into one because i was cutting myself so bad that i could die..i could bleed to death. I Have met alot of people who self harm, as i was in hospitals for it. Some of the people i met tried self-injurious behavior a few times and decided that no matter how much they liked it they knew they needed to stop and did. Never looked back just didnt do it anymore. But other people had a hard time with it. My answer to your question about if self harm will lead to suicide the answer is no. obvoisly every case is different but self-injurious behavior does not mean the person wants to or is planning on committing suicide. think of it like this, a drug addict might do drugs to dull the pain or to feel the high, they know its not good for their body, that it hurts their body, just like the self harmer they are hurting themselvs..does that mean they want to commit suicide? So my point is that yes she could very well have just done it those few times and stopped when she found out u didnt like it, and no it doesnt mean she might be thinking about comitting suicide. but of course as i dont know her and everyone is different you should ask her about it, maybe you could tell her that it concerns you and let her know that if she ever feels like she wants to hurt herself she can come to you. Im sorry the long post, i hope it helps.

*snuggles*

On the other hand, I really hope that FF's daughter doesn't have your childhood issues so the reasons behind this might be different. At 12 years old you were the picture child for self harm.

 

[subgrl18]

*snuggles*

On the other hand, I really hope that FF's daughter doesn't have your childhood issues so the reasons behind this might be different. At 12 years old you were the picture child for self harm.

yeah you right Gracie, thats what makes it so hard, because everyone is different and harms themselves for different reasons.

 

[graceanne]

yeah you right Gracie,

I know I'm right. Silly grl, I keep telling you - I'M ALWAYS RIGHT. It's just part of the wonderfulness of me.

 

[YourCaptor]

Well, here comes advice from the 22 year old… take it or leave it.

I have known a lot of girls who do this stuff, I suppose I’m drawn to anything depressive. Often it is just that, depression.

Depression from my experience is completely in every way misunderstood by everyone.

The doctor once stuffed me with antidepressants after bugging me about it for weeks on end. I was not depressed at all, although afterwards when getting off the drug the relapse got to me a little.

And then theirs those that never get diagnosed when they really need it.

And then theirs the stupid title for it, “depression”.

First thing you got to know is that depression is not the mood of being depressed. Depression is an illness that is not understood very much.

There are those that are always depressed that we agree have a problem and should have medical attention.

But then theirs those where it comes and goes, sometimes only staying for a mater of hours. Once again, its not a mood, think more along the lines of 24 hour flu. The intensity of depression often fluctuates.

From what I understand from knowing depressed people, it hurts, physically, and they feel there is no hope for relief at all, every strategy feels as if it is doomed from the start. Its not them being a wimp, its an effect of the depression.

As for advice, its difficult to give, make sure she has a support system, one that will catch her, not one that she has to turn too.

One tool in getting through depression it is a very strong survival instinct, if you can nurture that in her she can use it to fight depression too.

If she is depressed, something I have found that works wonders, go for a walk with her. If she breaths fresh air, if she is moving, there is stuff to see but she is still focused on a conversation with you, her body will allow her mind to be less clouded. But don’t be fooled, after the walk she will probably regress back into depression. Treat it more as a window to talk to her as you remember her, instead of talking to the depression. It can be very useful, but difficult to use.

 

[Netzach]

My close friend who was a cutter in college was very NON suicidal when she was cutting. She had been suicidal also, and knew the difference and could articulate the difference. That's not uiniversal, but I think it's *often* the case. It's easy to see why people assume it's the same impulse, but I think they're separate impulses. Help was definitely needed, but she knew herself well and what *kind* of help in each situation.

 

[madetotakeit]

I agree, they can be separate impulses, but at the same time cutting can be the first step. It is impossible to know without having a serious conversation. I deal with this quite a bit at work (and have had a couple of friends who have dealt with it.) Thankfully I have received training, because it can be a very daunting task understanding the why's and knowing how to offer help. As those who have shared their experiences have stated, it is a way that she finds to deal with an internal pain. It may be due to a chemical imbalance, mental trauma, or a combination of the two. Either way it is a sign of an underlying problem for which help is needed.

The first step is finding out why. One of the most important things that I learned was that if someone is not suicidal, you will not place the idea to go to that extreme in their head; if they are suicidal, you are not going to give them an idea they have not already had. Talk to her honestly, without trying to be too careful. This is typically what is expected and causes the person you are talking with to react in like. Keep in mind, that whatever reasons are given, they are valid to her. Let her know that she is not being judged, but you are speaking out of concern. Often it takes just one person to not walk on eggshells in regards to it for the person to realize it is okay to seek help.

Can a person control those impulses? The prevailing thoughts are that one can not do it alone. Controlling it is only part of the problem, the goal is to be freed from the impulse. The why is the core, and that should be the realm of a professional.

 

[HottieMama]

the goal is to be freed from the impulse.

You know...i WISH someone would give me the answer to HOW the fuck that is actually possible. For me, it's like any addiction, all i can manage is control...and some times are better than others. Shit...i have over ten years off of heroin and there are still days when i just want to tie off and shoot the fuck up.

 

[madetotakeit]

You know...i WISH someone would give me the answer to HOW the fuck that is actually possible. For me, it's like any addiction, all i can manage is control...and some times are better than others. Shit...i have over ten years off of heroin and there are still days when i just want to tie off and shoot the fuck up.

That's where finding the right professional can help. Controlling the impulse and being clean for over ten years...commendable beyond words.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

furry, first i want to say that i'm sorry you're even having to go through this. also i want to say PLEASE get her help, even though she says she has quit. one of my really good friends is a cutter, and she lies all the time about cutting. she will tell me over and over again that she isn't cutting anymore and i used to believe her every time but then i'd find that she had just changed WHERE she was cutting so that we wouldn't see the evidence. and eventually she'd come clean and tell me she was doing it again. and cutting/self harm may not lead to suicide, it may not be that they are having suicidal thoughts but i assure you, they will keep cutting deeper or hurting themselves more because it won't be enough.

as someone else said your body will get used to the endorphins and it will take more hurt to make the internal pain disappear. so while they may not be thinking about suicide or meaning to kill themselves, it happens. they cut too deep, etc..and that's all it takes, is once. please, get her help. in my experience from what i know of people who self harm, they don't just stop on their own. but also let her know you are there whenever she needs you. finding out the why is always the first step and it may be that she needs professional help, someone who is neutral that she can talk to and tell what is so painful that she has to self hurt...not that she doesn't trust you, just sometimes it's easier to open up to someone who is not directly involved in your life. i hope i'm not rambling and that i made some sense here....bottom line in my opinion is to get her some help.....good luck

 

[the captians wench]

There are two different kinds of cravings I get for self harm. I know which one is okay to explore, and which one isn't, but it's kind of hard to discribe how I know.

The one I get mostly when it's been a while between play sessions. I'm craving pain in any way I can get it. In those moments I'll do a little self bondage, or self flogging/paddling. Kinda like masterbating between sexual encounters. Just takes the edge off a bit.

The other kind I get mostly when I'm depressed, and mostly it's a craving for cutting and sharp pain like the tack board. When I'm craving sharp pain, especially cutting, I ask myself why I'm craving it. I do get cravings for blade play, but it's not the same feeling. I refuse to give into the cutting cravings, and when they get really bad then I let some one know something's up. It's not usually suisidal thoughts, tho it can be, but usually I do want to see blood, and watch it drip, but most importantly, I want to watch as the cut heals.

I think I did a thread on this a while back, when I first started having cutting cravings. At the time, those cravings were not bad cravings, but they scared me and I worried about them becoming the bad ones and worried if they might be the bad ones and I just didn't know it.

 

[Stegral]

Coincidently, and maybe this is a completely different topic, the more BDSM pain i receive, the less i feel the need to self-harm.

*agrees whole heartedly with this*
when I "play" consistantly I feel NO need to cut/carve.
but when life throws me a nasty curve ball I sometimes end up with knife in hand.

To me cutting was not about killing myselfor wanting to kill myself it was about dulling the pain, cutting releases endorphins, endorphins make u feel good, make u feel alive. and the big thing it makes u forget the pain, even if its only for a little bit..

*agrees with this one too*
I felt/feel a whole lot better AFTER I slice my skin & see the blood.
I don't like to cut but it is like a pressure relief valve for me.
I have been cutting/self harming since I was 13...
back then it actually KEPT me from suicide, still kinda does now too.

I know it must be hard to see cuttings & burns on such a young child but you should feel very special knowing she trusts you enough to talk to you, hoping you won't freak out. IF she did stop carving/cutting due to your words (even if you don't remember saying them, maybe it was a look you gave her & she interpreted it into words in her mind) you obviously mean a great deal to her. Maybe she feels closer to you or that she can talk to you easier than her own parents.
Gods know I couldn't talk to mine.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

*agrees whole heartedly with this*
when I "play" consistantly I feel NO need to cut/carve.
but when life throws me a nasty curve ball I sometimes end up with knife in hand.


*agrees with this one too*
I felt/feel a whole lot better AFTER I slice my skin & see the blood.
I don't like to cut but it is like a pressure relief valve for me.
I have been cutting/self harming since I was 13...
back then it actually KEPT me from suicide, still kinda does now too.

I know it must be hard to see cuttings & burns on such a young child but you should feel very special knowing she trusts you enough to talk to you, hoping you won't freak out. IF she did stop carving/cutting due to your words (even if you don't remember saying them, maybe it was a look you gave her & she interpreted it into words in her mind) you obviously mean a great deal to her. Maybe she feels closer to you or that she can talk to you easier than her own parents.
Gods know I couldn't talk to mine.

i'm confused, i took this as it being her daughter. am i wrong?

 

[iluvyou3638]

My question is, how easy is it to give up self harming? That seems far too easy to me.

Frankly, I'm scared that if she would do this, she might do worse to herself, even commit suicide.

So any experience, wisdom or resources would be appreciated.

i used to cut myself after my dad passed away. and it is harder than you might think to stop, but i never once thought of killing myself. i think when you are doing something like that, a lot of time you have to find your own way out. but the guiding hand of a friend always helps.

 

[Stegral]

i'm confused, i took this as it being her daughter. am i wrong?

no.. it is prob me.. I am tired & really shouldn't be posting...
my brain is reading "my girl" & rationalizing something different..

*heads off to log out b4 I cause more confusion...

 

[LadyChaotic]

I used to cut myself a lot...I also used to beat myself on the head...and I am not over it, even with therapy and medicine.

I just...as someone previously posted...have switched to more, subtle, means of calming myself down...really just REALLY HOT HOT HOT shower....sometimes I still beat myself on the head though.