Trying to Figure This One Out

[LadyChaotic]

I don't know if anyone has read it yet, but I posted on the "new person" thread and said this...to some extent.

I am 25, married, have one kid. I only got about 5/6 months of exploring myself before I got pregnant...then married, and not really sure if I did the right think in marrying the man or not...that's irrelevent though.

I am going to say a little bit about my past because I think I have to to lead up to my actual question.

I am adopted...I have been since I was 10 years old. Before I was adopted I went through about 25 foster homes...and a couple of orphanges. I was molested and beat for a majority of that time...and when I was 9 years old my 31 year old foster brother raped me. After I got adopted, you would think that things would get better, but unfortunately no. I continued to be raped...didn't happen until I was 12, but eventually, it happened. So, for as long as I can remember...I've been sexual. My first willing sexual relationship was when I was 14...did a lot of roleplaying, lol. I like pain. I like the idea of it. I'm addicted to sex...which a lot of people think is odd considering my past...but it's almost like I can't exist without it. I've never actually tried BDSM...done some fisting...giving and receiving, I've played dress up with a girlfriend of mine who was into it...and I'm hugely turned on by it. I can't actually try it though...my husband is scared of it. So, how do I try it without cheating on him?

 

[Adakgirl]

Being molested and raped is not being "sexual". Not at all the same thing. I never recommend cheating on a spouse or partner. I recommend you explore WHY you want this pain and explore your REAL sexuality before you delve into this lifestyle. Read all you can read on the net. Read the threads on this board, talk to people in the lifestyle and get to know yourself first.
Someone who has gone through the physical and emotional trauma that you have growing-up will have very important issues they don't even realize are there. You probably need therapy to see them and work them out. I seriously doubt you are in the good solid emotional state needed to even play with pain yet.

 

[BamaBelle]

i would definitely suggest getting online and google searching for a therapist in the Alternative lifestyle in your city or town, for those that are not in or have never experienced the molesting by family members will never understand what it is that we seek thru the lifestyle. GET HELP with a lifestyle therapist and then proceed. You would be amazed at the progress You can make with the right therapy. They even can help with communcation with the husband about Your needs and wants where pain is concerned.

 

[coy_one]

Promiscuity is a symptom of the type of trauma that you have gone through. Don't know how to accurately describe it. I've gone through Post traumatic stress disorder and found myself seeking out sex, but eventually learned that 'for me', it was more in the way of self destruction. I didn't feel that I really mattered to someone, unless I was having sex with them. I had learned that the release of pain was also a way for me to let go of some of the pain that was inside.

I have since learned that I'm a valuable person, and that I don't like it when I am or have been promiscuous in any sense of the word. I've met a man who finally gives me the respect that I deserve, and fulfills me emotionally - without the sexuality.

I also agree that finding a kink friendly therapist would really help. I went through years of therapy, and the straight head that I have now, is well worth all the hard work I did in therapy. I don't recommend cheating - but a kink friendly therapist will also help you explore your feelings, and even communicate them with your husband.

Good luck, and feel free to PM me if you need to talk more.

 

[LadyChaotic]

I've gone through therapy...didn't do too much good. as for kink-friendly ones...I live in the boonies, lol. anytime my husband decides I need to go to the "nut house" as he loves to call it...they stick me in a christian wing when I say I'm agnostic...or better yet, give me a rubber band to snap against myself when I'm having a panic attack.

 

[LadyChaotic]

but thank you for your responses. They are greatly appreciated.

I actually joined this site to try to help me get back into writing. I used to write poetry and short stories and such, but I haven't for about 7 or 8 years.

 

[h_i_s]

I don't know if anyone has read it yet, but I posted on the "new person" thread and said this...to some extent.

I am 25, married, have one kid. I only got about 5/6 months of exploring myself before I got pregnant...then married, and not really sure if I did the right think in marrying the man or not...that's irrelevent though.

I am going to say a little bit about my past because I think I have to to lead up to my actual question.

I am adopted...I have been since I was 10 years old. Before I was adopted I went through about 25 foster homes...and a couple of orphanges. I was molested and beat for a majority of that time...and when I was 9 years old my 31 year old foster brother raped me. After I got adopted, you would think that things would get better, but unfortunately no. I continued to be raped...didn't happen until I was 12, but eventually, it happened. So, for as long as I can remember...I've been sexual. My first willing sexual relationship was when I was 14...did a lot of roleplaying, lol. I like pain. I like the idea of it. I'm addicted to sex...which a lot of people think is odd considering my past...but it's almost like I can't exist without it. I've never actually tried BDSM...done some fisting...giving and receiving, I've played dress up with a girlfriend of mine who was into it...and I'm hugely turned on by it. I can't actually try it though...my husband is scared of it. So, how do I try it without cheating on him?

Plenty of women enter marriages in haste or desperation due to unplanned pregnancies.
Many end up in 'less than' satisfying unions as a result. Many women are oversexed. Some might claim that they are addicted. Some like pain some don't .. fair enough. Some have been abused, some haven't. I don't beleive that abuse automatically can be assumed as the cause of all that, alone. Maybe you were just a young woman who just as many others, was not making the best decisions for herself.... but was destined to be pretty kinky, & very sexual, and whose destiny lead her to being in a marriage with a husband who doesn't share those traits??

Decide for yourself whether you need the assiatnce of a therapist or other professional mental health professional. You know yourself better than anyone else here.
Some adults who were sexually abused can do just fine and function perfectly well without counseling services.
Some are stronger and more stable than others.
Some have their heads screwed on well enough and some just don't.
Just as it is up to you to seek that help if you need it, it's up to you to decide IF you need it. You know yourself better than anyone else. You don't need anyone to tell you that you are broken and need 'fixing'.
While any individual 'might' benefit from counseling, having been a survivor of abuse does not equal NEEDING professional counseling by 'default'.

Seems to me you aren't here looking for advice about abuse so much as you want some tips that may help you toward the possibility of a successful self-fisting.

So, putting alll that aside........

It IS possible to fist yourself, but it will require practice and it is NOT going to be accomplished without a good deal of flexibility on your part, as well as perserverance, dedication and a good deal of lubrication (natural or artificial ... whichever works for you.).

Common sense will apply in self fisting.
This technique may help you on your way to a successful self fisting:

Either 'do whatever it is that gets your natural juices flowing' to prepare your self, or have a good size tube of lube ready. Masturbating with your favorite dildo may help to loosen your vaginal opening.
Once properly lubed... Choose a comfortable position.
Prop some pillows at the top of the bed.... lay against them while scooting down a bit.
Lean forward so that your spine curves and your shoulders haunch forward.
Holding the wrist of of the fist you will be inserting steady with your other hand to brace the 'fisting hand' insert two to three finger at a time into the vaginal opening to start.
Use a circular motion, applying pressure all along the rim of that opening, just inside, to stretch the skin slowly. Keep at it... Too fast or lack of patience can cause tiny fissures/tears which won't kill nor mame but are not the goal here.
Add all four finger once you feel ready to... followed by the thumb.
If you have been at it long enough and are relaxed you'll next proceed toward attemoting to insert your fingers deeper into your vagina, and then eventually your hand. Once at that point, with the whole hand into your vagina, you can try to close your fingers into a fist.

Fisting isn't about making a fist and jamming it in all at once right away....... you work up to it slowly.
If your arms are short, your hands not petite and your body not quite flexible, you might not succeed.
Persist though, and you may find it is possible.
Some say they have doneit, others find they can't.

Best of luck to you.

ETA: Best way to do more than just self-this or self-that without cheating or going behind your husband's back will be to communicate with him. Slowly one step at a time, tell him what you desire. And be certain to include HIM when you speak of those wants. IE: Try "I would love you to ____ with me, and I really get hot when I think of you doing ___ to me, or ____ with me. It may help him to be open minded if he can visualize doing X Y and Z with you....... rather than just visualizing the acts themselves.

Does he know you have been greatly turned on by play involving another woman?
Perhaps that is a start.. just involving another woman??
How much have you talked about with him regarding your sexual desires?

 

[BiBunny]

or better yet, give me a rubber band to snap against myself when I'm having a panic attack.

Oh, yeah, that'll help a panic attack.

*Sigh* I'm sorry you haven't had much luck with therapy. Therapists can be such morons sometimes. Makes me wish I were inclined to go get my master's, so I could become a not-so-terrible one. But, alas, the bachelor's in psych was enough for me.

 

[LunarKitten]

Being molested and raped is not being "sexual". Not at all the same thing. I never recommend cheating on a spouse or partner. I recommend you explore WHY you want this pain and explore your REAL sexuality before you delve into this lifestyle. Read all you can read on the net. Read the threads on this board, talk to people in the lifestyle and get to know yourself first.
Someone who has gone through the physical and emotional trauma that you have growing-up will have very important issues they don't even realize are there. You probably need therapy to see them and work them out. I seriously doubt you are in the good solid emotional state needed to even play with pain yet.

*nods* I was sexually and physically abused as a child and preteen. I went through years of therapy as a teenager. I became interested in BDSM in my midtwenties, after a period of time of sexual exploration that turned out to be not my most shinning moments - some of it was good, but a lot of it I regretted not long after the encounters. I found my Master in my early thirties and we soon discovered that even after all my years of therapy that we run into "landmines" in our play and daily activities are very hard for me to deal with at times.

An example, when something happens that I know he is not happy with, I will see him as being very very angry when he is in reality only slightly annoyed. And when he DOES get angry, I find myself withdrawing almost completely into myself, instead of trying to talk through what happened.

Also, my punishments, as a result of our discoveries, are usually just rebukes, or a very severe, single slap on the rear. It is never drawn out and never issued in such a way as to belittle me - humiliation is a big big landmine for me.

Even in our play, sometimes something will flash for me and I will find myself unable to concentrate on the good feelings and the play time will have to abrutely end - not a good feeling to know he was enjoying himself and I had to stop everything.

Anyway, the point of this post, rambling as it seems, is that therapy is a very good thing to be looking into - but be aware that it isn't a magic bullet. There will still be many many issues you will have to deal with if you enter into this lifestyle. You will have to be willing to be open and honest with every single play partner you encounter. You will have to be diligent about your reactions and know how to look back upon episodes and disect them for reasonings inside yourself. Most of all, though, you will have to be willing to be open and honest with YOURSELF.

 

[coy_one]

I've gone through therapy...didn't do too much good. as for kink-friendly ones...I live in the boonies, lol. anytime my husband decides I need to go to the "nut house" as he loves to call it...they stick me in a christian wing when I say I'm agnostic...or better yet, give me a rubber band to snap against myself when I'm having a panic attack.

I'm sorry to hear that.

 

[YourCaptor]

I would really like to help you out, but at this point I’m not entirely sure of you motives.

Why did you write what you did to lead up to your question?

Are you trying to explain the circumstance you where in when you got married?
Do you feel uncomfortable with your past and how it appears to resemblance you sexuality?
Are you afraid there is a connection with you past and you sexuality?
Do you think your husband is afraid of BDSM because of your past?

In which direction are you searching for an answer?

Do not worry, I wont judge you by any standards, so be honest with yourself and listen to what you feel is correct, not what you know others think is correct.

 

[twysted73]

Captor...I now have a headache. Spank you very much.

There is a lot of good advice here so far. I never went to therapy for my pre-teen abuse. I just dealt with it and accepted it as not my fault. Then compartmentalized it and pushed it away.
Now I bring it out and let it turn me on from time to time.

*note the name over to the left there*

Each handles their own damage differently. And so I hope you try different styles and types of coping techniques until you find the one right for you.
But as it's been said before...
Do seek counciling to see if it's the avenue for you first. Talk to your husband at length and make sure he's always in the loop.
And who knows? Maybe he'll be fine letting someone come over and Top you as he watches.
*shrugs*
In my world that makes such sense.
Better to own the kink then to let the kink own you.

 

[SweetErika]

I've gone through therapy...didn't do too much good. as for kink-friendly ones...I live in the boonies, lol. anytime my husband decides I need to go to the "nut house" as he loves to call it...they stick me in a christian wing when I say I'm agnostic...or better yet, give me a rubber band to snap against myself when I'm having a panic attack.

I'm not trying to convince you of anything, but in my experience, the success of therapy is VERY dependent on the individual therapist and approach.

I went to over a year of general therapy for sexual assault/PTSD, and while it helped me get through that time, it didn't do anything for me when I stopped.

A couple of years later, I called my local rape crisis center and they hooked me up with a therapist who guided me through a proven 12-step program that was sexual assault-specific. I liked her and the therapy made sense because it addressed all of the areas of my life that the assault and resulting PTSD had affected: trust of self and others, intimacy, self-esteem, power, etc. I started improving quickly, and have stayed well because I have the tools to work on my issues and know how to use them really well.

So, I'd encourage you to give your nearest crisis center (there are listings at http://centers.rainn.org/ ) just to see what might be available to you. You can always check it out and stop going if it's not working for you.

I agree with everyone who's advised learning on your own and making sure you're in a stable place prior to exploring BDSM with anyone else. That's good advice regardless of whether someone is an abuse/assault survivor or not...after all, EVERYONE has issues and goes through periods of instability. For BDSM to work in the context of a relationship, it must be a good one, too, so perhaps you can take this opportunity to work on and/or decide what your best course of action regarding your marriage is, as well.

There's a fair amount of stuff you can try on yourself - just make sure it's safe (e.g. don't electrocute or choke yourself!). I'm pretty sure there's at least one good thread on self-play around here...hopefully someone will remember what it's called or have a link for you to check out (though it may be in the BDSM Library sticky thread).

The main point is that even though you might want to rush out and find someone to explore with, now is the time you REALLY need to focus on exploring on your own. It sounds like you have a ton of stuff going on already, so it's especially important to care for and protect yourself.

 

[YourCaptor]

Captor...I now have a headache. Spank you very much.

Ha ha!! Sorry, yea it is kind of confusing. What I was getting at was that LadyChaotic only asked

So, how do I try it without cheating on him?

Yet she said so much more then that. I just wonder what it is she is trying to get at, so I asked those questions

Are you trying to explain the circumstance you where in when you got married?
Do you feel uncomfortable with your past and how it appears to resemblance you sexuality?
Are you afraid there is a connection with you past and you sexuality?
Do you think your husband is afraid of BDSM because of your past?

to get a better idea. Hopefully that clears things up.

 

[LadyChaotic]

Are you trying to explain the circumstance you where in when you got married?

I was in a way, I guess. It wasn't entirely relevent, but I was making this somewhat of an introductory thread, and just kind of rambled.

Do you feel uncomfortable with your past and how it appears to resemblance you sexuality?

I'm not all that uncomfortable with my past actually. My past is my past. I do see the reflections of it in what I am curious about with sex, however. And I don't really think that I am uncomfortable with that either. I am more uncomfortable with the fact that I thought the man I married was into exploring sexually as much as I am. Whereas now, I am beginning to realize that his upbringing from his parents (hillbillies) and their views really conflict with him letting himself go enough to explore.

Are you afraid there is a connection with you past and you sexuality?
Do you think your husband is afraid of BDSM because of your past?

I know there is a connection. I do think that (someone mentioned this earlier) I might just naturally be that way, also. I am naturally inquisitive, about everything, sex included. I get off on a lot of different things. From older men, to BDSM, to just some lesbians playing with toys, to threesomes (of all kinds), to even gangbangs, lol. I don't really know what this says...I have yet to try all of it but I am very very intrigued by all of it.

 

[twysted73]

Lady C...disclaimer...nothing I'm about to write here is against you in any way. If anything, I'm 100% with you. I'm caustic and raw when I'm passionate about something so don't take offense. Cool? Good. Then I shall ramble on.

Do you feel uncomfortable with your past and how it appears to resemblance you sexuality?

not in the slightest. What bothers me is when those who find out about it fear I'm a "repeater" or one who is traumatized by his abuse that he carries it on/inflicts others of that age with the same. (which really pisses me off)

I am more uncomfortable with the fact that I thought the man I married was into exploring sexually as much as I am. Whereas now, I am beginning to realize that his upbringing from his parents (hillbillies) and their views really conflict with him letting himself go enough to explore.

Hmm..this presents quite a problem. Sounds like you picked a banjo-playing bible thumper

***yeah, I'm tossing all kinds of negativities around today but you know what? If anyone takes offense because I wasn't PC for ONE second then boo hoo for your little "correct everyone in the world so you can seem intelligent" insecurities. Close-minded religous types I have NO tolerance for. And if you knew me you'd know I have more tolerance then most people you'll ever meet. Furthermore, if you knew me at all you'd also understand WHY I am so intolerant of this ONE group.***

So...where was I? Yes, your hick. I feel for you. You married him but....you're not STUCK here in sexual pergatory. Talk with him. Lay it ALL out on the table like a list of things you want and would really love to experience. (make a wish list)
Have him check off the things he WILL NOT do (ever, under any circumstances)and then take a look at it. Can you live without those things he denied?
If so, then I wish you luck in your enjoyment and self-discovery.
If you can't, then it's counciling-time. Because you're going to need a third party negotiator to help him see through his fog of ignorance and intolerance of all things "sick".

Are you afraid there is a connection with you past and you sexuality?

Already semi-covered this. I know what happened to me. And yes, it happens to be one of the things I LOVE/have an obsession/enjoy doing most of all sexually.
Do I think I'll revisit it upon some poor little soul in the future? Are you kidding me? I'm in control of myself thank you. 'Nuff said there.

I am naturally inquisitive, about everything, sex included. I get off on a lot of different things. From older men, to BDSM, to just some lesbians playing with toys, to threesomes (of all kinds), to even gangbangs, lol. I don't really know what this says...I have yet to try all of it but I am very very intrigued by all of it.

I think you have a beautiful and inquisitive mind.
I look at my own personal experience as more of a blessing then a curse. I feel had I not been exposed to it I'd not be as I am today. And damnit, I love how I am.
I love my sexuality. I love my desires, my passions, my thirsts and hungers for so much sensation.
I feel you should feel as you feel and explore as you wish. Which is right and which is wrong? Is she wrong because she's following her passions and desires? Will you call her selfish? For seeking out what she feels is her happiness?
Her fulfillment? Well then go right ahead and line up all abused spouses and chastise them for not staying in bad marriages for the sake of the kids.
A little more extreme a situation admittedly, but definitely within the same ballpark folks. Denial of one's spouse's intimate desires while expecting them to remain submissive to your own insecurities is bullshit. I know, i know...there are acceptions to every rule. Thank you correction police.
But she's not one of them. She's playing nice and by the rules. She's talking to him and he's just waving it off like a bad landing approach.

(Incase anyone comes in behind me and tells you you're wrong, I'd like to nip it in the bud right here. You make sure he understands how important this is to you. And if he refuses to even try? That's not a spouse. That's an insecure child.)



*hunkers down and waits for it *

 

[LadyChaotic]

This is one of the extremely rare times I will ever say this but "I think I love you."



I don't see how I could have taken offence to any of that at all. Closest thing would have been my choice in husband...but again...marriage was kind of rushed and sudden...and more my mother's choice because she didn't think I was ready to be a single mom...and, at 22 I probably wasn't.

 

[YourCaptor]

Hmm… well you sound like a well-rounded person, more so then most people who have had a calm childhood. They say during such conflicts you either step up or step back, I’m glad to see you have dealt with things so well. Early I just wasn’t sure which was you yet, please don’t take my doubt as in insult.

As for you question, I would suggest you try sitting down with your husband and talking about the exploration problem. If it is important enough to you, in my opinion, sex is a very good reason to go serpent ways. A tip, people like you husband are often put off by the fact that they are not comfortable with their own body. Sometimes if you just glorify them a little in bed and outside of bed, all sorts of things come out. However most times this issue runes extremely deep, so if you love him enough you might consider rehabilitating the poor guy.

You know this could well be the start of a D/s relationship.

Sometimes people will understand that they cannot give you something you need, after all, nobody is superman. You might be able to have your BDSM fun with his consent. But do be honest, lies will only result in your own personal hell.

I must throw in one word of caution though. BDSM can trigger thing you never knew where within you, good or bad, hence in BDSM safety is stressed. For example, if you tie someone up, make sure you have something to quickly cut the rope with if needed, and never forget about the safe word.

Good luck and have fun.

 

[subwannabe]

It doesn't sound like your husband is very supportive, as in, "my husband decides I need to go to the "nut house" as he loves to call it". It sounds to me like he likes to be in control and more or less purposely married someone he can dominate and maybe even abuse somewhat. Maybe you could try a different therapist?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

It doesn't sound like your husband is very supportive, as in, "my husband decides I need to go to the "nut house" as he loves to call it". It sounds to me like he likes to be in control and more or less purposely married someone he can dominate and maybe even abuse somewhat. Maybe you could try a different therapist?

I must admit, that statement of LacyChaotic's bothered me a lot. On what grounds does the husband decide to send her to the nut house? What form of therapy is she supposed to be receiving?

This set-up disturbs me greatly. You should be in control of your therapy, not him. He has not gone through what you have and has no authority to assume that he knows what's best for you. He sounds like a control freak and an ignorant asshat who is living in the dark ages. I just cannot imagine anyone in this day and age being so utterly blind to the fact that the decisions he is making for you are totally counter-productive. No wonder you have no faith left in therapy. Who does he think he is? Does anyone actually treat you like an adult? Your GP? Anyone?

If you want to stay with this guy and work things out then that's your choice but do you feel obligated by other people's expectations? This is your life and the sky will not fall if you decide that leaving this man is best for you.

Sorry about the mini rant but this really upsets me. If I've misunderstood things I apologise.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Lady C...disclaimer...nothing I'm about to write here is against you in any way. If anything, I'm 100% with you. I'm caustic and raw when I'm passionate about something so don't take offense. Cool? Good. Then I shall ramble on.

not in the slightest. What bothers me is when those who find out about it fear I'm a "repeater" or one who is traumatized by his abuse that he carries it on/inflicts others of that age with the same. (which really pisses me off)

Hmm..this presents quite a problem. Sounds like you picked a banjo-playing bible thumper

***yeah, I'm tossing all kinds of negativities around today but you know what? If anyone takes offense because I wasn't PC for ONE second then boo hoo for your little "correct everyone in the world so you can seem intelligent" insecurities. Close-minded religous types I have NO tolerance for. And if you knew me you'd know I have more tolerance then most people you'll ever meet. Furthermore, if you knew me at all you'd also understand WHY I am so intolerant of this ONE group.***

So...where was I? Yes, your hick. I feel for you. You married him but....you're not STUCK here in sexual pergatory. Talk with him. Lay it ALL out on the table like a list of things you want and would really love to experience. (make a wish list)
Have him check off the things he WILL NOT do (ever, under any circumstances)and then take a look at it. Can you live without those things he denied?
If so, then I wish you luck in your enjoyment and self-discovery.
If you can't, then it's counciling-time. Because you're going to need a third party negotiator to help him see through his fog of ignorance and intolerance of all things "sick".

Already semi-covered this. I know what happened to me. And yes, it happens to be one of the things I LOVE/have an obsession/enjoy doing most of all sexually.
Do I think I'll revisit it upon some poor little soul in the future? Are you kidding me? I'm in control of myself thank you. 'Nuff said there.

I think you have a beautiful and inquisitive mind.
I look at my own personal experience as more of a blessing then a curse. I feel had I not been exposed to it I'd not be as I am today. And damnit, I love how I am.
I love my sexuality. I love my desires, my passions, my thirsts and hungers for so much sensation.
I feel you should feel as you feel and explore as you wish. Which is right and which is wrong? Is she wrong because she's following her passions and desires? Will you call her selfish? For seeking out what she feels is her happiness?
Her fulfillment? Well then go right ahead and line up all abused spouses and chastise them for not staying in bad marriages for the sake of the kids.
A little more extreme a situation admittedly, but definitely within the same ballpark folks. Denial of one's spouse's intimate desires while expecting them to remain submissive to your own insecurities is bullshit. I know, i know...there are acceptions to every rule. Thank you correction police.
But she's not one of them. She's playing nice and by the rules. She's talking to him and he's just waving it off like a bad landing approach.

(Incase anyone comes in behind me and tells you you're wrong, I'd like to nip it in the bud right here. You make sure he understands how important this is to you. And if he refuses to even try? That's not a spouse. That's an insecure child.)

*hunkers down and waits for it *

*applauds*

 

[twysted73]

*applauds*

*bows* Thank you.
I have never known what to do with compliments or praise. So I do thank you.