Got room for another newbie?

[bubbliebabs]

Ya'll give some awesome advice, so I figured I could ask and tell a few things of my own!! First, background here....married for 14 years, 4 kids, 10 years involved in the swinging lifestyle yet not actively participating in swapping and sharing other than with 2 other couples, 2 separate men, 2 females, and a group situation a few times. I am the shy one! Hubby is the fantasizer, flirt, all around sexual nut!!

With the BDSM conversations, I am very much a Sub. I love to be taken sexually...have your way with me! He has always wanted me to be more aggressive in the bedroom, and those times are few and far between. I think it is a self-esteem issue and not a lack in desire to be more aggressive, because there are some people we know and have been around and played with that I will NOT let them dominate me! Is this a normal thing? Can I be a sub but have that hidden desire to be dom with certain people?

My sub side has always been apparent with my husband, although he has never acted on it. The group of friends we normally associated with I guess you could classify a "vanilla with sprinkles" just not drenched in chocolate and all the toppings! Loved sex, everything about it, but not the BDSM type. Until about 1.5 yr ago, I had no idea what types of things I liked in that department. We had a weekend retreat with some friends, and my eyes were opened! I found that I liked to be choked at just the right time, loved to be scratched all over my entire body, bitten, spanked....and that has evolved from there with watching all of the above as an awesome turn-on, learning that holding your breath makes an orgasm even greater (IMO), fisting when done right is great!

So, lately my husband and I have had some good ole' sit down heart to hearts about sex and partners and all that good stuff! We are both happy with each other and finding partners in no way is to make up for lacking elsewhere, which is a healthy part of being in any sexual lifestyle. We have talked about some more BDSM involvement with toys and restraints and him looking to find a good teacher in the Dom department. We have written lists of what we would like to try and read each others and answered them respectively.

So, like I mentioned earlier, asking about being sub and dom deep inside, I have some of the same feelings about the sub side and what I want and do not want. I am not "his slave" so-to-speak and will not wear a collar, or kneel before him, not really into the whole role-playing. I do not mind the blindfold and the restraints but I do not want a hood and I am not too sure about a ball gag either! LOL I am sure there are tons of reading things I will find when searching through the cafe, but I will ask anyway...are there certain "followings" for being a sub? Can I choose those things? Believe me, I want him to be forceful, I want him to overcome me, do as he wishes, but only in a sexual manner. I ask this because we do know a few people that do not leave this lifestyle in the bedroom or just relating to sex.

How about advice on being a good Dom? Anyone want to instruct him? Can't wait to hear all your comments/advice/words of wisdom!

 

[myinnerslut]

welcome to lit

it might help if you think of BDSM like a giant buffet. fill up your plate with whatever looks good to you, leave what you dont want, and feel free to go back for seconds.

there is NO single ight way to do things. no matter what you read or who you talk to, there is no single "true way" to do something.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Do what works for you and him.

If that means bedroom/sexual play only, that's fine.

If that means a 24/7 Master/slave relationship, that's fine.

If it means something in between, that's fine.

Don't confuse being a Top with being a Dominant. One is physically oriented, the other is an emotional/relationship orientation.

Same for bottom and submissive.

As far as not allowing someone else to take charge of you in a sexual situation, hello... submission and surrender require _trust_. If you don't trust someone to keep you safe, to meet your needs, to take care of you, no, you are not going to submit to them. That's just common sense. Being _a_ submissive doesn't make you _everyone's_ submissive. That's negotiated on a person-to-person or scene-to-scene basis.

You're exploring a huge world out here. You won't find all the answers in a few messages on the boards, but it's a fine way to start your journey of growth and discovery. Welcome aboard!

 

[Bandit58]

We started out with bedroom D/s but over the 4 years we've been together it's gradually evolved into a 24/7 relationship. I was a total BDSM newbie and He was a Dom with over 10 years' experience but had never had a live-in sub before.

I serve as His carer because He has chronic health problems. I have a naturally submissive personality but that doesn't mean it has been easy! I like myinnerslut's analogy of the smorgasbord/buffet - we do our own thing and to hell with what others may think It works for us and that's the most important thing.

*smiles* I wear a piece of jewellery (see av) which represents a collar, and I also wear a wedding ring. The only time I kneel is when He wants a bj I do like blindfolds and restraints, but gags are a limit (I didn't say "hard limit" meaning never, just have a problem with having my breathing restricted - that's why no choking unless it's with His cock ). We still have safe words in place, just in case (Sir will not play without them, with anyone).

Remember, this is a journey, not the destination. I'm still learning things about myself.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi Bubbliebabs,

I am in a 24/7 M/s relationship with my Master but this is a recent development since we moved in together about 4 months ago. Up till then we were in a long distance relationship.

I am Master's first sub and now his first slave so we have both had a long and eventful journey to reach this point. There are aspects of our relationship that don't fit everybody's perception of M/s (eg we still use safewords whereas most owned slaves ditch them).

You do get to choose what you want to do. I still get to choose (although we call it negotiating) because Master has no interest in doing something that I'm not going to enjoy on any level, unless it's intended as a punishment. You still have to have a relationship once the whips and chains have been put away so it's common sense for him to treat his property with respect. I would not have given ownership of myself to him if I had not been convinced that he would not ride roughshod over my wishes.

It's also fine to have dominant leanings as well as a submissive streak. Around here we call people like that 'switches' as they are able to enjoy being on both ends of a flogger. You may want your relationship with your husband to be one where you only submit but if you're seeking other sexual partners there's nothing stopping you from finding one who wants to be submissive to you.

If you spend time here in the BDSM forum you'll quickly learn that labels such as sub, slave, dom, master, top and bottom are all highly subjective and mean different things to different people. It's all about your journey and finding what's right for you and your husband. As a kind of PC catch-all label we use the terms PYL (Pick Your Label) for dominant or sadistic types and lower case pyl for submissive or masochistic types, saves tripping over syntax. That way nobody feels excluded from a debate because they're a slave and not a sub or whatever.

Welcome to the boards, I hope you find the answers to your questions here.

 

[bubbliebabs]

Just as I had thought, great advice thus far. This is going to be an adventure, and a good one I am hoping .

It is nice to hear that I am a "switch" because I know that I am. As I told my husband, I have no desire to do to him the things I want done to me, nor do I have the desire to take control of him...although a little domineering every once in a while never hurt anyone! But, I do have people I definately would not mind being their Dom.

We looked at another "questionaire" online last night regarding what things to do and try. It is pretty well agreed upon that neither he nor I wish to do any of the humiliation type things other than some that hinder on the border of humiliation/turn-on.

He did say that this is something he has wanted to do and was unsure if it was something I wanted. I told him I was positive and it was something I always had, just did not know to what extent until we explored and experimented more. He asked if I thought he needed a teacher, and I told him that if he had truly wanted to do the contol things I had expressed wanting, then he would know what to do without a teacher, especially with a little reading that he can get from on here. I think he is a switch as well...because I know he would like someone else in control once in a while.

I am anxiously awaiting his return home in 12 days! He has been looking for some new toys and some restraints for me! Makes me wet just thinking about it! LOL

 

[dantefontana]

Welcome to the boards, Babs! I hope you meet as many nice people and learn as much as I have in just such a short time.

 

[Homburg]

No! No more room for newbies. We are full!

Oh, wait, you've got a cool name. Okay, come on in.

Move over you two msubs, give her room.

With the BDSM conversations, I am very much a Sub. I love to be taken sexually...have your way with me! He has always wanted me to be more aggressive in the bedroom, and those times are few and far between. I think it is a self-esteem issue and not a lack in desire to be more aggressive, because there are some people we know and have been around and played with that I will NOT let them dominate me! Is this a normal thing? Can I be a sub but have that hidden desire to be dom with certain people?

My sub side has always been apparent with my husband, although he has never acted on it. The group of friends we normally associated with I guess you could classify a "vanilla with sprinkles" just not drenched in chocolate and all the toppings! Loved sex, everything about it, but not the BDSM type. Until about 1.5 yr ago, I had no idea what types of things I liked in that department. We had a weekend retreat with some friends, and my eyes were opened! I found that I liked to be choked at just the right time, loved to be scratched all over my entire body, bitten, spanked....and that has evolved from there with watching all of the above as an awesome turn-on, learning that holding your breath makes an orgasm even greater (IMO), fisting when done right is great!

*snip*

So, like I mentioned earlier, asking about being sub and dom deep inside, I have some of the same feelings about the sub side and what I want and do not want. I am not "his slave" so-to-speak and will not wear a collar, or kneel before him, not really into the whole role-playing. I do not mind the blindfold and the restraints but I do not want a hood and I am not too sure about a ball gag either! LOL I am sure there are tons of reading things I will find when searching through the cafe, but I will ask anyway...are there certain "followings" for being a sub? Can I choose those things? Believe me, I want him to be forceful, I want him to overcome me, do as he wishes, but only in a sexual manner. I ask this because we do know a few people that do not leave this lifestyle in the bedroom or just relating to sex.

The switch angle has been covered, but I wanted to expound on the idea of bottom, as opposed to sub. You don't really sound like you want to 'serve' per se, and are more interested in being "taken" as you put it. If you do not want collar, Master, etc, maybe you are more bottom than sub. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[sexycaz22]

Hi and welcome to the boards.

Some great advice have been given out, so I don't need to add anything to it, expect to say one thing.....COMMUNCATION, and more communication!

Oh and one other thing, I am also exploring my PYL side, and seeing if I like being a Top in a play scene and possibly beyond it.

I wish you all the best, and enjoy your journey!

 

[subbielez]

Hi.

Umm if it helps any I just joined myself. So I'm sure they have plenty of room for newbs or this lil lesbo sub wouldn't be here.

 

[bubbliebabs]

Well thanks for scoochin them over! LOL

Sounds like I will look into the roles of bottom and top. I feel like I am in sex school! Learning all sorts of new things! Woohoo!

No! No more room for newbies. We are full!

Oh, wait, you've got a cool name. Okay, come on in.

Move over you two msubs, give her room.



The switch angle has been covered, but I wanted to expound on the idea of bottom, as opposed to sub. You don't really sound like you want to 'serve' per se, and are more interested in being "taken" as you put it. If you do not want collar, Master, etc, maybe you are more bottom than sub. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[subbielez]

LOL Hey, we'll fit right in, you and I. ^_^ The people here seem pretty cool I think...

 

[twysted73]

Do what works for you and him.

If that means bedroom/sexual play only, that's fine.

If that means a 24/7 Master/slave relationship, that's fine.

If it means something in between, that's fine.

Don't confuse being a Top with being a Dominant. One is physically oriented, the other is an emotional/relationship orientation.

Same for bottom and submissive.

As far as not allowing someone else to take charge of you in a sexual situation, hello... submission and surrender require _trust_. If you don't trust someone to keep you safe, to meet your needs, to take care of you, no, you are not going to submit to them. That's just common sense. Being _a_ submissive doesn't make you _everyone's_ submissive. That's negotiated on a person-to-person or scene-to-scene basis.

You're exploring a huge world out here. You won't find all the answers in a few messages on the boards, but it's a fine way to start your journey of growth and discovery. Welcome aboard!

He may be Evil....he may even be Geoff. But he's right. Read and heed.

Velkomen mein leibschen!