*pending heartbreak*

[Chicklet]

I've had a difficult couple of weeks.

The man I've been seeing, and have fallen head-over-heels in love with, has had a change of heart.

He hasn't been clear about the reasons for his mind to go the other way on me, but he had been depressed and indoors for the seven days leading up to his decision. In the past, he'd complained that he needed more time to himself, but I was greedy, and selfish, and did not give him a chance to ask for that time. The fault was not all mine; he wanted to see me every night, and invited me over as well. But I think that since I knew he needed SOME time, I should have distanced myself a little further.

After the initial talk we had, he said he wanted a week out of town to think it over. He took that week, went out to coffee with me, fucked my brains out for a few hours, and then said he still hadn't made up his mind. He asked for one more week to consider some of the options I'd given him, and to speak with me the next weekend (this weekend) about his decision.

I waited until 3pm to call him. I haven't hassled him in the two weeks he's been out of town deciding. I haven't sent messages, chatted with him, called him, emailed, etc. I've been very unlike myself in that way. Today he is apparently extremely sick: sore throat, tonsils swollen, head hurts... really sucks to be him! He didn't feel up to a social visit, and I can definitely understand why. But the last two weeks have been a huge heartache for me, waiting to hear him say he doesn't want to see me anymore. I know that's what the response is going to be, but I can't stop the ounce of hope I have until he voices it.

I don't need relationship advice or pats on the shoulder about this... I'm crying to tons of my real life friends about it, heh. What I do want advice about is this letter:

I gave myself to you because you make me laugh, you make me smile, you make my whole world turn at a different slant. It’s not as if the world doesn’t spin without you, or my life is very much different at all, but it is a joy having you around. Your kindness and generosity and humor make me want to give you something as a reward. The best thing I can offer to anyone is what I’ve given you. And I don’t expect anything in return.

I do not want to smother you. I do not want to drown you with attention and affection and make you feel like you owe something for it. Nothing I do for you is for anything in return. I give my attention, my affection, and myself as a gift to you. As I wouldn’t expect payment for a gift, so I don’t expect anything in return for this. It doesn’t mean anything beyond what it is: just me.

My faults are numerous and I am aware of most of them, and no, I don’t think I can change the majority. There are things I can ignore, and things that I can hide, but they will always be there. The difference between those faults and some of the faults of others is other people wouldn’t even try to alter them, or ignore them. And no, I don’t think ignoring is the same as hiding. I want you to know my faults, and see how hard I try to ignore them. My jealousy, my selfishness, my urge to make a decision based on my own desires before the desires of someone else, these are things I try to set aside when I think about you. Even though my predominant thought is of myself, I still try to choose my words and actions based on what you communicate to me as your want. And if you give me another chance with you, that is what I will work at: choosing words and actions based on your desires before mine.

Over the last few months I’ve become spoiled with your attention. Every time you told me you needed more time to yourself, I continued to take every ounce of you that you would allow, and when I met no resistance, I took more. I did not fully understand your need to have more time to yourself. With understanding, I can give you what you need. I can take only what is given, instead of grabbing for more. I will restrain myself from taking anything you haven’t offered, and give you as much space as you can desire. In the past I have proven my abilities to refrain from suffocating others with my attention, and it is not difficult for me to do. I know you don’t think it’s fair to me, and that you think it’s something I need--your attention--but it’s not.

This isn’t to say I don’t have needs, myself. I do, they’re just a lot simpler than I believe I portray them to you. I have a desire to feel wanted and appreciated. All the gifts I want to give to you, all I want in return is to know that you acknowledge them, and accept them. And in our relationship to this point, I have felt that, completely. I am willing to flex all my urges and desires to continue receiving that one small part of you: your thoughts and acknowledgement.

I want you to be happy, above all else. I truly believe that you would be happy with me, and that I would be happy with you.

I composed this letter around the beginning of this week, after a friend advised me to do so. He thought that it might make my 'boyfriend' think a little harder about his decision before he goes through with it. I think that he's probably already made up his mind, and that anything I do will only make him angry with me. I feel like I've already voiced the facts in that letter to him on our date last Sunday, and I don't want him to feel that I'm hassling him.

What do you folks think? Would a letter like this be received well by you?

We do have a D/s relationship. We've been blissfully happy for over four months. I want him to give it another shot.

Thanks

 

[BiBunny]

I'd send it. I know there'll be people who say otherwise, but I tend to be the type of person who, if I don't do something, will spend forever beating myself up about it. You just have to know that whatever you do, you can't make his decision for him. Say your piece and give him the space to do whatever it is that he has to do. But, nonetheless, I'd send it, if for no other reason than to get it off my chest. My thoughts are with you, chicklet.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

MAJOR edit, and complete turnabout in point of view.

After having had some time to let this all percolate in my increasingly feeble grey matter, and then coming back to the thread, I have to say that I was thinking much more along the lines of EG's and Marquis' post, especially Marquis with his male reversal thinking.

All I can say at this point is I wish you the best of all possible outcomes - which might mean losing him so that the *right* guy can get into your life, or might mean that he comes to his senses. Either way, I wish you happiness. :hugs:

 

[incubus'_sub]

it is a great letter and i'm sure it was a relief to write out all of your feelings so clearly.

however, if he is feeling crowded and confused about his feelings for you, i think it would be counterproductive to bombard him with more of the deep stuff. take out paragraphs 3 and 5 and you've made your feelings quite clear without drowning him in 'you'. you also don't want him focussing on your negatives, but the good things that you've offered to his life.

i'd also leave him alone whilst he's sick, apart from a non emotional call to see if he needs groceries or a lift to the doctor. think about it. when you're sick everything is too much effort and you don't want him thinking that way about you either.

good luck and don't be too pessimistic. great photo, you really do look good together.

 

[madetotakeit]

I'll make this unanimous so far. I am a big believer in expressing yourself. This is you sharing a piece of your heart with him. You can not concern yourself with how it will be received. He will either be effected by it or be dismissive. That is on him. That is not something you can control. He will either "hear" your words or he won't. But you can make him aware of how much of an impact he has had on you. Sending the letter is more about you. They are heartfelt and need to be shared. I think more people should be made aware of how they have effected someone. It is always nice to know that you inspired.

 

[Chicklet]

thank you, everyone, for your comments.

i'd also leave him alone whilst he's sick, apart from a non emotional call to see if he needs groceries or a lift to the doctor. think about it. when you're sick everything is too much effort and you don't want him thinking that way about you either.

I offered to drop off popsicles for his sore throat and movies for him to sleep through, as well as a ride to the doctor monday, which is when he plans to go.

his sister's got it all taken care of, though. stupid siblings.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I am going to buck the trend here. Not to put too fine a point on it, but this is one of these situations where no matter what you do, you're fucked, depending on what _he_ does...

If you don't send it, and he dumps you, you will wonder if sending it may have made a difference. If he sticks around you tell yourself "Cool! Giving him the space was exactly the right the thing to do!"

If you DO send it, and he dumps you, you will wonder if sending it may have tipped the scale the wrong way. If he sticks around you tell yourself "That was lucky! If I hadn't told him how I felt he would have left me..."

If you can't live with one guilt trip/wonderment and live with the other, there's your decision. If you really can't make up your mind, flip a coin.

Seriously. What you do at this point is pretty much irrelevant. HIS mind is made up, and if it isn't, it should be. Sorry, but 4 months into a relationship should be plenty of time to for someone to decide if they want to expend more time and effort and energy on a mutually beneficial situation. If it isn't mutually pleasurable or beneficial, it's time to say thanks, and move on.

This is NOT a reflection on you dear Chicklet, it's a reflection on him. YOU obviously find this of benefit and pleasure and wish to continue to invest in the relationship. You are willing to commit and carry on while he is being wishy-washy.

Which should be telling you something in and of itself.

I wish you much luck and a positive result for you soon.

{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}

 

[Chicklet]

Do you want to send it for me? = )

 

[Evil_Geoff]

As nice as that message is, Chicklet, I don't think he would understand it coming from an absolute stranger he's never seen...

 

[Yang4yin]

As nice as that message is, Chicklet, I don't think he would understand it coming from an absolute stranger he's never seen...

Maybe if you preface it with a statement that you've been hoping to have a chance to beat her butt (or something similar), that'll trip his jealousy trigger and he'll get his act together.

 

[fieryjen]

Aw, damn. Heartache sucks, and the way you're describing it, I totally feel for you.

Let me just wish you the best of luck I do hope it will work out for you, I truly don't want to see you unhappy.

 

[Netzach]

It sounds like he may be having some depression issues and just plain issues issues and he's got to sort his own stuff out to some degree.

I advise *strongly* against blaming yourself in any way shape or form for not giving someone something they never explicitly asked for, though. That's not your problem, and what you're worried about as "smothering" might be good old consideration to someone else. You're not to blame for someone else's issues cold feet inability to voice their needs or whatever. Be nice to you as you are to him with this communique.

 

[Xantu]

Heart ache sucks. I hope you find happiness. You deserve it.

 

[jake t]

I agree with Xantu...hang in there

 

[RUbensBeautY]

Hey Chicklet,


I do feel for you but since you have asked I will forgo the hugs and say rather what I think.

There are just things that elude our control. Period. Another person's heart and feelings tend to be among them.

I would say be selfish, if you feel that sharing this letter makes a difference for you then do it. It is your job to handle your end of the relationship and make sure that you are as happy and well-balanced in the process as possible. You are not responsible on your own for his happiness or unhappiness, that is your partner's domain.

I often made the mistake to be too understanding, too patient and too caring in the past and it never made a difference.

Caring for someone and suffering for someone are not the same.

That said, I do wish you the best and hope that things will work out for you and soon. *hugs* Can't help it ...

 

[Blushing Bottom]

I am so sorry chicklet...I've soooooo been where you are and still in fact pine for the love of my life.

And believe me at my age I never thought that would happen. Time does heal all wounds but never erases sweet memories. So hang on and what will be will be but never let go of the joy you knew. It is after all a great part of what life is made of.

 

[WriterDom]

And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Kahlil Gibran

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I am going to buck the trend here. Not to put too fine a point on it, but this is one of these situations where no matter what you do, you're fucked, depending on what _he_ does...

If you don't send it, and he dumps you, you will wonder if sending it may have made a difference. If he sticks around you tell yourself "Cool! Giving him the space was exactly the right the thing to do!"

If you DO send it, and he dumps you, you will wonder if sending it may have tipped the scale the wrong way. If he sticks around you tell yourself "That was lucky! If I hadn't told him how I felt he would have left me..."

If you can't live with one guilt trip/wonderment and live with the other, there's your decision. If you really can't make up your mind, flip a coin.

Seriously. What you do at this point is pretty much irrelevant. HIS mind is made up, and if it isn't, it should be. Sorry, but 4 months into a relationship should be plenty of time to for someone to decide if they want to expend more time and effort and energy on a mutually beneficial situation. If it isn't mutually pleasurable or beneficial, it's time to say thanks, and move on.

This is NOT a reflection on you dear Chicklet, it's a reflection on him. YOU obviously find this of benefit and pleasure and wish to continue to invest in the relationship. You are willing to commit and carry on while he is being wishy-washy.

Which should be telling you something in and of itself.

I wish you much luck and a positive result for you soon.

{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}

Perfect EG, I haven't a thing to add to this typically insightful and caring post.

Except a big fat HUG

 

[Chicklet]

Thanks again everybody.

I don't think I'm going to send it. It really did help me to get it all out, though. I'm pretty sure this relationship is over = ( but until I hear it from his lips it's really hard to believe it, heh.

 

[graceanne]

I haven't posted any advice, because this is one of those rocks and hard place situations. I don't know him well enough to be able to give good advice. And we won't know what you should do, until we can look back. Hindsight is better than foresight and all that. *hugs* I wish I could help you.

 

[HB1965]

When I look at that picture Chick, I see love...

This man is scared. I see something big here in your life that has the potential to make you happy, but I also see it being a struggle for him to reach be at the place you are. He wants to be I think he just has his own baggage that he has to deal with. The best thing that you can do for yourself is let it go and move on with your life. Either he comes to you or he doesn't. I can tell you from personal experience that it is one of the hardest things that you will ever have to do.

As far as the letter... have you said these things to him already? If not then maybe they need to be said, but from you're point of view and perspective and how it effects you.

Hang in there! ((((Chicklet))))

 

[unpredictablebijou]

My heart goes out to you, reading this thread.

I would have to vote with Evil Geoff on this, though obviously advice from a perfect stranger like me should only count for so much.

I'm the sort of person who pursues too much sometimes, and I've had occasions to regret doing stuff like this. Always err on the side of solitude - someone who's already ambivalent about your attention isn't going to get the right messages from this.

Writing the letter is always a good idea. Sending it, on the other hand, is RARELY a good idea.

I know a bit about what you're going through, and you have my sympathy.

blessings,
bijou

 

[Marquis]

Hi Chicklet!

I'm sorry that you're going through relationship drama again, but it seems like you have a lot of shoulders to cry on. I'm going to instead offer you some slap-yo-momma-in-the-face honesty and hope that you may have some use for my comments.

What do you folks think? Would a letter like this be received well by you?

No, it would not. Or rather, it would be very flattering, but it would not make me want to be with the person who sent it to me, if anything it would push me away more.

I am offering you the real deal guy psychology here, from the perspective of a typical guy who loves the women he loves, but often feels trapped in relationships. There are certain sentences that, by the very nature of their needing to be said, will always be interpreted not at face value, but rather as their opposite.

Let me be totally clear. I am going to highlight in red which sentences he is going to read and think the exact opposite of what you are literally saying.

I gave myself to you because you make me laugh, you make me smile, you make my whole world turn at a different slant. It’s not as if the world doesn’t spin without you, or my life is very much different at all, but it is a joy having you around. Your kindness and generosity and humor make me want to give you something as a reward. The best thing I can offer to anyone is what I’ve given you. And I don’t expect anything in return.

I do not want to smother you. I do not want to drown you with attention and affection and make you feel like you owe something for it. Nothing I do for you is for anything in return. I give my attention, my affection, and myself as a gift to you. As I wouldn’t expect payment for a gift, so I don’t expect anything in return for this. It doesn’t mean anything beyond what it is: just me.

My faults are numerous and I am aware of most of them, and no, I don’t think I can change the majority. There are things I can ignore, and things that I can hide, but they will always be there. The difference between those faults and some of the faults of others is other people wouldn’t even try to alter them, or ignore them. And no, I don’t think ignoring is the same as hiding. I want you to know my faults, and see how hard I try to ignore them. My jealousy, my selfishness, my urge to make a decision based on my own desires before the desires of someone else, these are things I try to set aside when I think about you. Even though my predominant thought is of myself, I still try to choose my words and actions based on what you communicate to me as your want. And if you give me another chance with you, that is what I will work at: choosing words and actions based on your desires before mine.

Over the last few months I’ve become spoiled with your attention. Every time you told me you needed more time to yourself, I continued to take every ounce of you that you would allow, and when I met no resistance, I took more. I did not fully understand your need to have more time to yourself. With understanding, I can give you what you need. I can take only what is given, instead of grabbing for more. I will restrain myself from taking anything you haven’t offered, and give you as much space as you can desire. In the past I have proven my abilities to refrain from suffocating others with my attention, and it is not difficult for me to do. I know you don’t think it’s fair to me, and that you think it’s something I need--your attention--but it’s not.

This isn’t to say I don’t have needs, myself. I do, they’re just a lot simpler than I believe I portray them to you. I have a desire to feel wanted and appreciated. All the gifts I want to give to you, all I want in return is to know that you acknowledge them, and accept them. And in our relationship to this point, I have felt that, completely. I am willing to flex all my urges and desires to continue receiving that one small part of you: your thoughts and acknowledgement.

I want you to be happy, above all else. I truly believe that you would be happy with me, and that I would be happy with you.

If you want to show him that you can give him space, give him space, not letters to read and emotions to feel. If all he really needed was the space, he will be back when he's had it.

If you really are capable of giving him space as he needs it, this is what you will do. You can always save this letter and show it to him at a better time.

 

[Chicklet]

I'm sorry that you're going through relationship drama again

would you believe he's close friends with the last guy. the one I talked to you about?

 

[intothewoods]

This is incredibly sucky, and I have nothing to add to the advice (except that I would take Marquis' advice here, being a guy and all). I just had to post, damn, girlfriend you are hawt!