First story post anywhere (feedback welcome)

[mjones908]

First story post anywhere (feedback welcome) Now spell checked Per requests

Hey all, First time posting a story anywhere.... Feel free to offer feedback ....I wrote this about 5 years ago, I didn't reread it, but I'm sure there is plenty of spelling/punctuation errors. I have a few more if you guys enjoy.

EDIT: Ran Spell Check though the story and reposted below

 

[MarshAlien]

I read enough to know that it is an interesting premise. But your statement that "there is plenty of spelling/punctuation errors" is a considerable understatement.

The wondered around their new get away upstairs it was more of
> > > the same
> futuristic looking bedrooms silver satin sheets on all beds in the
> bedrooms the were enjoying their new gig "strange" he commented "it
> seems just like a normal house" as he made his way to the kitchen
> "your right" she said joining him at the kitchen sink "I wonder what
> used to go on here " he reached for a glass from the cabinet and thats
> when he saw it " Honey what do you make of this " pointing th a small
> heat switch on the back of the cabinet "Huh I dont know" she said
> reaching for it. The switch glowed red as her thumb pressed agesnt it
> ... SWOSH a previously unknown door slid open in the wall behind them.

You seem to have a good grasp of vocabulary, and may be quite capable of writing an interesting, readable story. But if you don't value this one enough to spend your time editing it before you look for feedback on it, why should we spend our time reading it?

 

[mellowgyrl]

I have to agree with Marsh here. Only a couple of paragraphs in and I found a lot of errors which essentially turned me off from continuing reading. I completely understand its porn/erotica but that doesn't mean you don't have to take pride in your work. I know a lot of readers and authors who will back click quite rapidly if they encounter stories with blatant spelling and punctuation errors. You want the feedback, so take a few minutes to go through it and fix your errors. Or find an editor who can help you through your mistakes.

 

[mjones908]

WoW....I never realized how bad that really was, I at least ran a spell check though it ... here ya go guys

The building was like nothing they had ever seen before. sure sometimes
they would watch the old classic Holo disk movies from the 21st and
watched their view of the future and some how those people has some
seen far into the future it was all here now; camera shutter doors,
flying cars, virtual reality it was all there, but this house some how
stood out as being "futuristic" the geometric shinny aluminum shapes,
the lack of windows.

one week earlier they had won the summer retreat home in a
government
auction, it had been seized in a raid but the story on the house was
sketchy at best something about a sex house, but that was all they
knew. That and that the house was perfect it was deep in the woods on
a private lake nobody around for miles, a hard thing to find in these
days of over population and gigantic cities. Everything they wanted.

as the stepped in the camera shutter style door it was obvious the
house
was like nothing they had ever seen before. Still fully furnished, it
was warm and inviting yet had the feel of something else. There was a
staircase to the 2nd level in front of them and a series of doors off
the main hallway. The 1st room was some sort of greeting parlor
complete with stocked wet bar. Off that room was a formal dining room.
And through the next door a full kitchen.

The wondered around their new get away upstairs it was more of
the same
futuristic looking bedrooms silver satin sheets on all beds in the
bedrooms the were enjoying their new gig "strange" he commented "it
seems just like a normal house" as he made his way to the kitchen
"your right" she said joining him at the kitchen sink "I wonder what
used to go on here " he reached for a glass from the cabinet and that’s
when he saw it " Honey what do you make of this " pointing at a small
heat switch on the back of the cabinet "Huh I don’t know" she said
reaching for it. The switch glowed red as her thumb pressed against it
... SWOSH a previously unknown door slid open in the wall behind them.

as the got to the bottom of the stairs they were amazed by what
they
found. The place was a sexual haven Toys of every time all shiny and
metallic different kinds of harnesses cages restraints, toys from the
future they had never even seen before varying types of insertables of
all shapes and sizes there were medical chairs with restraints
attached to suspend people in ever way shape and position. There was a
whole wall of various paddles whips crops and other punishment devices
and everything else you could think of from pony tails to Nipple
clamps from corsets to leather thongs the place was incredible. The
both just stood in awe of the spectacle before them. They had played
like this before but never to the extent that was now laid before
them it wasn’t long before his erection was
clearly visible through his one piece Lycra suit.

She noticed and immediately became uneasy. "Honey, relax yourself.
If
someone were to walk in here, we'd both be in trouble. Let's just
look around some more and see what we can find. We may have to turn
this in to the authorities."

His face showed disappointment, but only momentarily. His face lit
up as
he picked up the first contraption he came to, a thick tube of water.
He flicked a switch at one end of the tube and began vibrating
furiously. His cheeks flushed a deep crimson and he dropped it,
startled.

She laughed nervously. "These must be from before fluid transfer
was
outlawed," she concluded. She picked up a nearby paddle-looking
machine, and when the heat from her hand was sensed on the handle, it
began waving back and forth. "Can you imagine what they did with
these? I can see why they shut the place down, with all of the
diseases and what not... I can't even remember a time when sex was
permitted. Can you imagine what must have happened in this room?"
She turned around, whirling in the gigantic dungeon, and she felt a
twinge she had never felt before.

He was just as in awe of the toy box that lay in front of him, and he
could
no longer hide his intrigue. "Imagine how sex must have felt," he
muttered. "Can you imagine having someone inside you?"

She blushed. "NO, of course I can't. We could never... I mean, sex
produces STDs, unwanted pregnancies... it's just unsafe. We could
never...” her voice trailed off as her eyes found the vibrating toy he
recently dropped. In a hushed tone, as if someone could hear her, she
asked, "What do you think they did with that?"

He quickly bent down and gingerly picked it up. Moving closer to
her, he
held it between them as he whispered, "I think this goes in... an
opening." Her eyes widened and a flush came to her neck and shoulders.
For the first time, he noticed her nipples standing erect underneath
her suit. He took another step toward her as he tried to nonchalantly
suggest, "That wouldn't involve a fluid transfer, would it?"

She seemed breathless now, and she was moved by a momentum inside
her that
seemed brand new. "I suppose not," she purred... "But which opening
would we use it in?"


"well" he said aquardly "there is your mouth, obviously, and your " he
blushed trying to find the words "you know" "My Vagina ?!" she smirked
knowing how hard of a time he had talking explicitly about sex "yes"
he said sheepishly "or....." she blushed "my ass?" he stumbled she
enjoyed having him off balance surprising him "I umm it " he stammered
"it wouldn’t be the 1st time something had made its way in there" she
said smoothly "you violated city ordnance 2443.22, you have engaged in
self" his voice lowered "you masturbated ?!?!" he said shocked "maybe"
she snickered "you haven’t" the color of red he blushed can not be
duplicated by man even far in the future” I might have once or twice
rubbed my penis .. But when I do it this stuff it.... it comes out "
she had read about the male orgasm before but never witnessed it
before “yeah when I do it I get all slippery" she said almost
embarrassing her self "really" he said smiling "yes" she said

He wandered around the room more, "what do you think this is for?”
he said gesturing to the dr's chair "Ha" she smiled "we use those when
we go to the dr" 2000 years in the future but some exams still needed
to be given the old fashion way but he wouldn’t know about that he had
never heard of this things it was forbidden to mention them "how does
it work" he said with a child like innocence "let me show you" she
smiled enjoying ever second of her superior knowledge "sit here" she
said positioning him in the chair "now put your hands here" as she
attached the padded leather cuffs to his wrists "that’s right " she said
"now put one leg here ..good now the other " she smiled as she
attached them "wait I cant move" he said shocked realizing his new
position "oh you can move " she said pressing a button that moved his
legs up and away from his body opening him completely to her " wait
stop this has gone too far, this isn’t right people went to jail for
this " she just smiled at him as she tore at his suit exposing his
naked form

She looked around the room there were all kinds of toys some she had
seen before like the phalluses and others she hadn’t like the paddle
machine that nearest she could tell was some sort of punishment device
"Please let me cover my self this isn’t right" but his erection
betrayed his words she could tell how much he was into what was going
on and with no AGPD's (automated Government Police Devices) around she
could do what ever it was she liked her mind reeled with the
possibilities she wanted to try everything so many options so many new
things to experience

. "I’m sorry honey did you say something?"

"yes, its improper for you to see me like this "

"your right, Ill be right back"

She sauntered off into a side changing room when she returned she was
clad only in what can only be described as the slutiest outfit he had
shoot that they had ever heard of... her breasts cupped by the tight
black leather cupped but not covered between her legs he saw something
that he couldn’t define he had heard of them but never seen pictures
let alone seen a Vagina in real life "is that....." his voice trailed
off in awe of the of everything before him he didn’t have the words to
express what he was looking at. "Yes it is " she marveled at their
fortune esp. hers he hadn’t noticed completely yet but he was
completely immobile, naked and fully exposed his smooth completely
shaven body glistened in the florescent light.

" I wonder what this does" she said with an evil grin picking up a
strange looking contraption and moving towards his widening eyes and
tightening body

A flick of the switch sent the toy into action, two small loops at the
end of antennae began loosening and tightening, while a miniscule pulsing
began through the entire thing. "Where do you think these go?" she cooed
in sing song voice. As she neared him, her question was answered and she
slipped one loop over each nipple. He moaned as they tightened and loosened
repeatedly, and the pulse made his hips lift off the chair. "I like it," she purred.

"So do I," he managed to get out.

"And what about this?" she wondered aloud, while inspecting an arrow-shaped toy.
It was narrow at the tip and widened out to its base, and when she turned it on,
ripples could be seen moving down the toy. She held it in between her hands, loving
the motion of the waves, and met his eyes. They widened in anticipation, and she approached him.

"I think I know where to put this one," she giggled. She placed the tip of the
arrowhead against his asshole and he groaned at the rolling sensation of the toy.
She stopped momentarily to wonder how she should get it up there, when suddenly
the tip of the arrowhead became incredibly wet and slippery. "Self lubricating,"
she muttered, "modeled after nature's best sex toy." The toy slipped in easily,
although he jumped as it did so. With it inserted, she noticed his penis grow even
larger, and he began making noises she had never heard from him or anyone before.

She stood back and watched him writhe on the chair, and she innately found herself
wanting to touch him. She timidly moved toward him and gingerly placed her hand around
his penis. The skin was so soft against her palm, and his hips began to move back and
forth, causing her hand to pump up and down his shaft. His eyes rolled back in his
head and for a second, she feared she was causing him pain. She began to recoil when
he shouted, "God, no! Don't stop!"

She smiled a proud smile, and found herself liberated at this power. And although she felt
strong and dominating, she had an itch that had yet to be scratched...

she searched the room for something new to play with, he would be fine on his own for a while.
She smiled at him as his eyes rolled back in his head as his body shock with ecstasy. even with
all our technology we are still simple animals She thought as she wondered around the toy
store laid before here there were outfits of every shape and color some covering almost
everything some almost nothing. One rack was totally filled with every size and shape of penis
you could imagine, all lined up in order by size.

In the next room there was a wall covered in various punishment instruments. There were whips
long and short. There was a whole section of cat o 9 tails of different sizes and colors some
thick and heavy that would probability hurt others made of very delicate cloth that would do little
more then sting slightly. Paddles some wood some leather. Just out side the door was a bench of
some sorts with strange arms, straps and various other strangely shaped objects on it. It was obviously
some sort of punishment bench but she wasn’t quiet sure how it worked Hmm not now, but maybe later
she though as she left the room.

she went back to check on him he was still writhing with the toys the one in his as seemed to have
changed some how, she could tell from the base that it was not only sending waves up and down but
now it was rotating around as well. interesting she thought as she pressed a button on the chair
that lowered his head all the way back so that now he was almost perfectly inclined with his head down by her.

Hmm she thought his head was waist high now. Pressing a second button on the machine his knees were
bent and spread even farther apart. In his bliss he almost hadn’t noticed her being gone but when her
hand wrapped around his cock he jumped with the electricity of her touch she began to lightly pump his
erect member again "do you like that ?" she smiled "Mm hmm" he mumbled "Good but now its my turn" she
smiled letting go of his cock.

She pressed a button at the bottom of the arrow shaped toy and it shrunk in size till he couldn’t feel
it at all then she moved around to where his head was at and grabbed hold of the bar above him and with
the skill of a gymnast and some kind if instinctual knowledge she slipped her legs into the loops on either
side of his head. It perfectly supported her above his waiting mouth, years of regulation and rules couldn’t
destroy the animal instincts to pleasure ones self ... or others for that matter. With the flip of a
switch she was lowered onto his waiting tongue.

He began to struggle as she was lowered closer to his face, and she saw pure terror in his eyes.
She reached over and flipped the switch a second time, pulling her back into the air, still spread
eagle. "What's the matter?" she asked, appearing as child-like as she could.

"Are you insane?!" he screamed. "We can't do that. Fluid transfer is UNSAFE. Orally or otherwise.
You know that!" She flushed for a moment and seemed generally embarrassed as she swung above him. She
fought back tears before noticing his rock hard erection still standing proudly in his confines. She knew what to do.

"Here," she said defiantly, "I'll show you its safe." And with that, she rocked herself to gain momentum
and pounced on him. Before he could realize what was happening, she took his entire cock in her mouth, bathing
it in warmth and wetness. He inhaled sharply, and fought his restraints to stop her, but as she glided her
tongue up and down the shaft, he stopped fighting and began pumping his hips in rhythm with her lips. She used
such amazing skill, as if she had practiced a hundred times, and he moaned loudly. She felt him tighten in her
mouth and she stopped abruptly. He gasped as her mouth left him cold and seconds away from bliss. "No, don't
stop, please," he mumbled.

"See, its just fine." she purred. "Now, return the favor." She sat up again and hit the button on the wall,
lowering him onto his tongue. He awkwardly took her into his mouth, shy at first, but then probing her deeply
with gusto. Her body felt like it caught fire as sparks flew up her spine and out through her fingers and toes.
She felt a dull ache in the pit of her stomach that made her feel empty and full at the same time, a feeling
that she could only relate to the middle of a sneeze.. A spasm of such strength that you can't wait for the end
to arrive, but fear the end actually arriving. Her body convulsed on his face, and she found herself uncontrollably
grinding into his mouth, silently asking his tongue to taste her deeper. Her hands reached out for something, anything
to grab on to and found nothing, so she pulled herself forward and placed her mouth once again on his dick.

As she furiously gyrated on his face, his cock filled her mouth. Her tongue explored the many ridges on his shaft,
tracing them up and down and then enveloping it all in her mouth. Her tongue found the underside of his cock particularly
sensitive, and she loved how he moaned into her dripping pussy when she gently flicked her tongue over it. This
continued on for several minutes and she thought she couldn't handle any more when a jolt ran through her body,
causing her to scream and convulse. A thousand shocks ran through her, more electrifying than anything she'd ever
experienced, and her eyes rolled back in her head.

She lazily sat up once the room stopped spinning and hit the button. She was pulled away from him and a glance
down showed his face glistening, covered in her juices, and a smile on his face. She giggled dreamily, still reeling.

"You look tired," he said, half-concerned, half-disappointed.

"No, no, no... You’re not getting out of this THAT easy," she warned, and let herself out of the loops. With him still constrained, she
sashayed out of the room and back into the costume room. Who should I be now, she wondered?

She glanced around the room at the many costumes and outfits, they were all well they weren’t the lycra suits she was used to these were different, sure the suits hugged her curves and showed off her well defined body but these, these emphasized them showed them off. Her regular
suit made her look just like everybody else but these made her unique and she liked it.

She selected an aqua green thong with matching bra and shear slip sliding them on she enjoyed the way the bra cupped and held her breasts,
the way the thong pressed tightly against her still tingling pussy. The fuzzy ring around the bottom of the slip felt nice against her ass.
when she was finished dressing she sauntered out to where he was,

still inclined he couldn’t see "Music" she said and the speakers hidden in the walls came alive with the latest hit "no, Classical" she demanded
the speakers boomed with classical music (Ma deem ma deem ma deem I do not know you but you know me very well now let me tell you that I c c c called)
Perfect she thought as her hips began to sway to the ancient music. she pressed a button on the chair allowing him to sit up right legs still
spread wide arms spread high above his head "now, do you think you can be good for me ?" she asked "I have some rules for you, I can touch
you anywhere I want but you are not aloud to touch me is that understood ?" he blinked his eyes again taking all of her in "Ya yess.. " he
stammered "good then I am going to release your arms but remember no touching or there will be serious consequences, I'm tying to find out what
that mechiene in the corner there does " she winked and with that she pressed a button releasing his hands from their binds.

He stretched his arms and rubbed his wrists grateful to have his hands down he was so busy stretching that he hadn’t even noticed her move away
from the room but she quickly returned with a silver metallic looking dildo "I'm gonna give you a little show" she said tracing her breasts with
the silver device. As she did this his hands moved down and cupped his balls the other one lightly stroking his cock "No! That’s not allowed
either... don’t make me tie your arms back up again" quickly with a slight groan he moved his hands back to their resting place on the arms of the chair.

She slid out from the slip and began to slid her body back and forth in time with the music turning around and giving her a shot of her ass
bending over and slapping it lightly on the cheek leaving a read hand print the toy still in hand she sat down on the floor in front of him and
slid her thong to the side slowly she inserted the tip of the object into her moist hole, but then something that she didn’t expect happened four
arms appeared from the object and attached them self’s gently but firmly to her body startled she tried to pull the toy from her wetness but it
wouldn’t budge and in a moment she wouldn’t want it to.

a small cup shaped object slid out and surrounded her clit then with out warning there was a sensation that she had never felt before her
hips bucked violently up and down as the strange new toy expertly worked her clit as this was happening the object in her pussy began to
pulls light electrical pulses into her wet cannel causing it to contract and release in time with the pumping from the toy she reached out
body shaking as the pleasure increased it was like nothing ever, she was coming over and over and over .. in one long sustained orgasm
beads of sweat formed on her forehead as she was truly fucked by this strange invention until it finely culminated in one un believable
orgasm that stretched from every part of her body, it start in her fingers and toes and moved up her arms and legs to the center of her
body until she arched her back pulling her self fully up in the air the song climaxed in time with her orgasm mystical spit is lyrics
with passion and aggression well Joe serenaded her his smooth deep voice Her screams of ecstasy echoed off the walls and resounded in his ears

he was almost as shocked as she was, almost. In his enjoyment of watching her he had unknowingly began rubbing his cock again and as she
began to come back to earth she looked up and caught him "what did I tell you about that " she gasped almost out of breath "ohh I umm It
was an accident" Accident or not" she smiled "you still need to be corrected" she got to her knees and shakily she stood up she went to
the sink for a glass of water. on her way back she passed the punishment machine and grinned she was about to find out exactly what it
did and if it was anything like that last toy she was in for a treat watching him being punished and teased at the same time his pain
would only be matched by the pleasure he was about to feel and later ... maybe ... fluid transfer.. The old fashion way.

She stopped off in the dressing room and selected a black teddy with thigh high stockings and a garter belt then she returned to where
he was still strapped in. The smile on his face told him something was about to happen "what did I tell you before about touching " She
said sternly "you told me not to" he replied "that’s right now you must be punished for your in ability to follow orders" she ordered
unstraping his legs from the machine and helping him down.

When he got his feet on the ground he pulled her into his body and kissed her. They had never kissed before since it was forbidden and
all for a moment she almost lost her self in his strong arms "NO" she shouted and pushed him away from her, "I had rules and you broke
not one but two now .. You must be punished for it" and with that she led him back into the punishment room to where the bench toy was
at. She stared at it not quite sure how it worked... or where he went on it for that matter....

The bench lay before him and he trembled just looking at it. "What is it?" he asked quietly. She giggled. She didn't know.
But she was going to act like she did, that was for damn sure.

A sizable hole had been drilled in the bench, closer to one end than the other. She looked at him, and then looked at the bench.
"Well, something should go in that hole," she concluded, and shoved him down on the bench, forcing his incredibly erect penis
into the hole. It fit like a glove, and immediately pulsating rings began moving up and down his shaft. She saw his eyes flutter
and he sighed, and she realized he was having too much fun.

She kicked his heels to lie on either side of the bench, spreading him far open in front of her. The paddle toy lay near by and she grabbed
it and turned it on full-blast. The blunt part of the toy began waving back and forth furiously, and she cautiously moved toward him. He felt
the breeze behind him, but his constraint denied him any view of what was to come. Suddenly, the first blow hit and he winced from the pain.
The second blow then fell, and then the third just as quickly. He began to squirm under the sudden attack, but she was just getting started.
"You like that, don't you?" she hissed. "You like me punishing you? You like me taking control? How badly do you want to please me?"

She saw him struggling with himself on the bench, torn between the lust that was slowly overtaking him and the dignity he had walked in with.
Finally, his arousal won over, and he began to spasm with the beginnings of an orgasm. She watched curiously, but then realized her view of
the eruption was blocked by the bench. She turned off the switch and pulled him up. His body still convulsed slightly, but she realized that,
without any stimulus, he would never reach his potential that she so desired to witness.

Quickly, she brought him to the floor and laid him on his back. She took one look in his eyes and mounted him. As he slid inside of her, she
gasped at the feeling... no toy could ever duplicate this! It was real, it was intimate, she could FEEL him inside of her... she stayed motionless
for a moment to just savor how complete she suddenly felt.

The moment soon ended, however, and she began rocking back and forth, pulling him in and out of her. Her hands began to wander her chest, as did
his, and she felt him begin to tense up again. His hips ground into hers, and she felt him going deeper than she thought possible.

He was hanging by a moment now, but began to worry. "I won't do this inside of you, I won't," he warned.

She shook her head. "Please, I want you to... please cum inside of me...”

The words seemed to egg his body on further, but his mind was distraught. "No, no fluid transfer. This isn't safe, I won't...”

She met his eyes and locked his gaze with her own. "I love you, and I trust you. Please do it." And with that, she bent down and
kissed him, exploring his mouth with her tongue. He tasted like the always thought he would, part nicotine, part sweet. She cupped her
hand behind his head, on the nape of his neck, and she held him close as she felt him fill her with his cum. His body spasmed and she
climaxed with him, until both of them trembled, naked and entwined, on the cold floor.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

There is somewhere a good story lurking here. It's just you need to get an editor to proofread this because it is so difficult to read.

Sentences must begin witha a capital letter, Dialogue must be properly introduced and the annoying trick of throwing a line break in the middle of a sentence is frustrating for the reader.

Clear the superficial difficulties of proofreading with an editor and I'm sure you'll have great success here.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

<Shaking head...> Ya send them to school, buy them the best books and what do the do? Tear off the covers and lick the glue

This is supposed to be a writer's site. We work at improving our skills. Punctuation and grammar is where it starts. From that point you can learn to produce a good story. As this thing is, my eyes went bleary at the sixth paragraph.

Get an editor with a lot of patience.

 

[mjones908]

<Shaking head...> Ya send them to school, buy them the best books and what do the do? Tear off the covers and lick the glue

Cleaver, did you come up with that all by yourself? Clearly you are a more gifted writer then I am, you just paint a picture!