Too submissive?

[Eya]

I think I'm too submissive.

Sexual play and the BDSM, that's all good and well, but I think it's messing with my real life. A couple days ago at a restaurant my friend pointed out to me I have trouble ordering food, and when the waiter messed up my order I was too bashful to correct him. Also, now that I've joined Lit a bunch of new people are messaging me, and I don't know how to tell the annoying/creepy ones to go away. Any advice?

Is being a push-over related to my submissive sexual fantasies & tendencies? Does anyone else have these type of problems? Can Dom(me)s be too domineering in everyday situations..?

 

[snowy ciara]

Hi!

Nice to meet you. Wander around, read, ask questions, we're mostly a harmless lot around here.

As for the creepizoids. Remember that being a submissive doesn't mean that you have to be a doormat. If you feel like you have to answer these folks, just answer back with something polite and firm like "Thanks for your interest, but I'm not interested." A few of the creepizoids will back off. Others will take this as some weird form of encouragement and will keep bugging you. Put them on ignore and they can't contact you. A lot of times, just remind yourself that you don't owe these total strangers anything, delete the message unanswered and place the offender on ignore. If the message is really bizarre or funny, go over to the café and post it on the Asshat PM thread!

Have fun, and again, welcome!

 

[Chicklet]

it's personality but not because you identify as a submissive sexually.

 

[twysted73]

Welcome.
Glad you popped in.

I define myself as a Switch (one who subs and Doms) with a natural tendancy for one in particular tho depending on the month/week/moment, that could change. (you'd swear I was a Gemeni)
If you and I went out in public you'd know I'm gragarious, intuitive, sexually agressive and very engaging. I am told I bowl people over with my extroverted nature.

But on the very few occasions I completely submit (and it's rare) you'd swear I never raised a spanking hand in my life to watch me go.

So you being submissive is only one part of who you are. It just so happens you're also a soft spoken, unassuming, non-confrontational, extreme Type-B personality to boot.

So as the sage-like Ciara so aptly pointed out, there's submissive, and then there's doormat.
Just know where you'd like your limits (of being pushed) to be and set them, then don't back down.
Obviously in customer service, submission is currency. It's how you get things done.
But once you clock out, you're your own person again and you'll be damned if you have to take crap and not get paid for it. *winks*
Best of luck in those assertiveness training courses. And we (as I know I speak for everyone here) hope to see you around again.

 

[Bandit58]

Hi Eya,
I have a submissive personality, but I've also learned how to stand up for myself, mostly in the last 5 years. I got myself into an emotionally abusive marriage when I was 19, in a large part due to my inability to be assertive and a lack of self confidence.

I would have saved myself a lot of grief if I'd known how to stand up for myself when i was younger. It's down to Sir who has shown me that I can do it You can be polite but firm....if as in your situation a waiter messed up an order I would say "Excuse me, but I didn't order this". Annoying messages? I send a polite "Thank you but I'm not interested". If they persist, the ignore or block button is your friend

 

[graceanne]

You sound shy and like one of those people who's indecisive. Not necessarily submissive - I'm a sub, and I'm not shy or indecisive.

Beyond that, being all those things isn't bad.

And don't respond to the asshats - that's what I do.

 

[Etoile]

A couple days ago at a restaurant my friend pointed out to me I have trouble ordering food, and when the waiter messed up my order I was too bashful to correct him. Also, now that I've joined Lit a bunch of new people are messaging me, and I don't know how to tell the annoying/creepy ones to go away. Any advice?

These describe me perfectly. I frequently cannot order for myself, ask where something is in a store, etc. I am just too shy and scared of how people might react. I don't see this as related to submissiveness at all, though. It's shyness, it's lack of assertiveness, and it might even be social anxiety disorder...but I don't think it's related to being submissive in the least.

 

[Netzach]

I'm Dominant but had a hard time asserting myself in certain situations and still revert to that. In my case, I think it has to do with how I was raised and I've done a lot of work on being able to assert myself and I've found I feel much better having changed behaviors that were not working for my advantage. I can assert myself *intellectually* just fine, it's more an issue of "excuse me, you're standing on my coat" that gives me the willies.

Oh, I rarely send food back too, unless it's a health/allergy customization issue.

A great way to deal with really dumb email is to just not answer it. It doesn't even have to be really dumb. I take forever to answer PM's from friends, as those who have sent them can attest - the likelihood of my wanting to get into a chitchat relationship with someone here in PM purely is next to nil. You, too, get to choose who gets your time and when.

 

[Marquis]

Ha ha, this could be a personal!

This has always been and I suspect will always be an extremely foreign topic to me. I come from an extremely assertive family and have always been very extroverted myself.

When I say I come from an extremely assertive family, I think I should elaborate to give you guys some idea what I'm talking about. I mean, like comically assertive. My father and grandmother (more and more becoming essentially the same person) seem to define their every interaction with everyone they encounter as a competition. The supermarket cashier, the restaurant waiter, the parking lot attendant, the customer service rep.... these are all members of the opposing team that must be bested by any means necessary.

So just for shits and giggles, think about my issues for a second.

I can't keep my mouth shut. My gravitational pull keeps conflict in constant orbit, regardless of my surroundings. Keeping my cool in situation where I REALLY know I should is a harrowing and anxiety ridden experience.

The spaced out waiter that brought the wrong order.....

I'm already sweating, thinking about how the fuck I'm going to get the food I want without getting spit in it. My need to feel vindicated in this situation waiting to fuck my whole shit up.

My girl squeezes my arm, says "let it go" with her eyes. She offers me her food instead, I totally want it, but its -you know- the principle.

I clear my throat and say "excuse me" as politely as I can. Waiter turns around, so far so good.

"Any chance I can get what I actually ordered?"

I smile, try to make it sound funny. It doesn't.

Scowling waiter returns with different plate. Other diners are no longer interested in sampling my meal.

 

[bandelero]

Hi Eya,

I suppose that with the conditions you have described, the phrase,
"Piss off, you wierded out apology for a fuckwit!"
would not be one that sprang readily to mind as a generalised answer to creepy PMs?

No?

OK, that was just my twisted idea of humour, it has got me into trouble oft before too.

If you fancy copying this and sending it to anyone who you really feel that you MUST send an anser to, then I have no copyright on it
It is polite, to the point, and anyone who DOESN'T get the message from this deserves to be instantly put upon ignore the next time they pop into your inbox unasked, freaking you out with bad stuff.

"Hi XYZ,

Many thanks for your message/e mail but at present I am dealing with more messages than I can cope with.
I have your info should I wish to get back to you in future, so unless you hear from me first there will be no need to contact me again.

Eya"

 

[Marquis]

"Hi XYZ,

Many thanks for your message/e mail but at present I am dealing with more messages than I can cope with.
I have your info should I wish to get back to you in future, so unless you hear from me first there will be no need to contact me again.

Eya"

If I got a reply like this I would definitely think the woman was a total stuck-up bitch.

You don't want people to think you're a bitch, do you Eya?

 

[Netzach]

Just....don't .....answer?

Is that SO horrible?

 

[graceanne]

If I got a reply like this I would definitely think the woman was a total stuck-up bitch.

You don't want people to think you're a bitch, do you Eya?

If she doesn't want them to IM her, and doesn't want to be friends, why would she care if they think she's a stuck up bitch.

 

[Byakuya]

I have submissive desires sexually, but I tend to be fairly dominant outside the bedroom. I won't back down if I think I'm right.

However, I never send food back in a restaurant. I've worked at restaurants and I know what happens when food gets sent back. It's not a good idea.

 

[the captians wench]

I think I'm too submissive.

Sexual play and the BDSM, that's all good and well, but I think it's messing with my real life. A couple days ago at a restaurant my friend pointed out to me I have trouble ordering food, and when the waiter messed up my order I was too bashful to correct him. Also, now that I've joined Lit a bunch of new people are messaging me, and I don't know how to tell the annoying/creepy ones to go away. Any advice?

Is being a push-over related to my submissive sexual fantasies & tendencies? Does anyone else have these type of problems? Can Dom(me)s be too domineering in everyday situations..?

My question is, were you this way before you started exploring submissive fantasies? I've always had issues with choosing meals, and clothes, and sending food back, and getting my phone turned on. It's more because I am shy and bashful than being submissive. Infact, I think that I've grown more able to handle those things since declairing myself a sub, tho if that has anything to do with being a sub or more to do with the fact that I'm growing up and having to deal with these things on my own, I couldn't tell you.

I do remember a point when I worried that being submissive would hurt me in my career. I don't like being the one incharge, but I realize now that that same strong will that keeps me from cuming until He says can be aplied to other parts of my life.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I used to be terrible at complaining about things but over the last few years I have got better at returning goods and stuff like that. I won't always send food back if it's incorrect or not very nice but if some waiter comes over and asks if everything is ok with my meal, they'll get my honest opinion.

I do have a thing about picking on the little guy. If I buy a product or service that is faulty or seriously below my expectations I will not take it out on the poor minimum wage slave who is forced to act like they give a shit. If I'm really unhappy or have been ripped off I always take things up a couple of levels and vent my spleen at a manager or proprietor who is compensated enough for it at the end of the month, someone in a position of responsibility who has the authority to get things straightened out.

I am not a confrontational person but now I'm a bit older and wiser I'll discuss problems calmly and politely and repeatedly until I have somebody's undivided attention.

I do have a pet hate for needlessly rude people. I don't like the feeling that being polite and considerate gets me nothing but a step backwards in the survival-of-the-fittest alpha-asshole mentality of today.

Eya, when you fight shy of getting your due in life, remember that you have as much right to what you want as anyone else does. Pushy people assume they have that right. If you have a submissive personality it's easy to think 'it doesn't matter' when you lose out because you won't send back a meal or send single word PMs in the largest font available screaming asshat!
I do think that my own problems with assertiveness stem from a lack of self esteem. You need to take a breath and say to yourself 'I am just as important as everyone else, if not more so because I'm not an arrogant bully.'

Ok, I'm waffling. I'm going to stop before I lose my point completely.

 

[Tyr51]

As for the jerks....

You don't even *have* to answer them. If someone doesn't have the decency to approach you respectfully, you are under no obligation to do anything other than hit the delete button.

 

[unfoundiamond]

Food and Sex.

I notice you attribute your social attitude
To how you are sexually, I believe those to be seprate parts of my personaility, but as I read I kept thinking....

Are you a people pleaser?

I ask because I am one of these people, I hate when people don't like me, If I have a enemy... I eventually have to win them over, though I most often go about it the hardest way...

I am a people pleaser, but, I have to say, I have food allergies and if I order something without cheese for example, and they make it wrong, I have to send it back... or I will be sick. I send food back politely and remind them I can't eat the ingredient, and people don't have to ruin my food...

I was a server for 5 years and I never ever saw any chef in any kitchen of any restaurant I worked at spit or otherwise ruin a plate, and I woulnt have served it had I.
(These chefs took pride in their food and threw the servers anything that was even slightly imperfect looking, and we all ate it...)

That's somthing from a movie... and maybe fast food places, but if you have a good server, (like me ) you can return a incorrect order and get what you fightfully ordered without any unwelcomed suprise ingredients if you are POLITE. (IMO)

But yes, if you are finding yourself sacrificing your happiness or your power of choice to please someone else, that's a problem, I think that's why its so important we choose very carefully who we submit to...

That's part of the deal... be selective...

I don't think being sexually submissive is related to being a socially submissive... you certainly can be both, but they aren't the same thing, and you don't have to be both... maybe you just need practice...

You get a lot more flies with Honey, remember...

Good Luck, and like Twyst said,

Welcome!

PS- simple soultion to your pm problem, I put a disclamer in my profile that reminds I don't cyber, and I also made myself permanently invisible to the GBers and other random site visitors, so now, the only people who messge me are from these boards, and people who have a relevant comment about a post...

Saves time and frustration...

Other than that, message someone who you saw a cool post from insted of messaging those stalkers... gets you interested in what YOU wanna see... and talk to, which is what's important...

You have to get what you want, I mean who's gonna stand up and say this is what you want if you don't? (Rhetorical)

See ya! *waves*

 

[graceanne]

You know, if you're really nice about returning food it doesn't piss them off. Sarcastic comments like 'can i get what i ordered' are a good way to piss them off. A nice 'hey, i know you're busy and all, but i asked for x y z', and then remember to say thank you, and smile and all those things. You're more likely to get an apology and speedy service.

That said I rarely return food. It's not worth the pain in the ass, cause then you gotta wait for them to cook whatever it is you ordered.

 

[NoLeafClover7]

.....

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

I think I'm too submissive.

Sexual play and the BDSM, that's all good and well, but I think it's messing with my real life. A couple days ago at a restaurant my friend pointed out to me I have trouble ordering food, and when the waiter messed up my order I was too bashful to correct him. Also, now that I've joined Lit a bunch of new people are messaging me, and I don't know how to tell the annoying/creepy ones to go away. Any advice?

Is being a push-over related to my submissive sexual fantasies & tendencies? Does anyone else have these type of problems? Can Dom(me)s be too domineering in everyday situations..?

There is the good, bad & ugly in all situations. Try and see a positive side providing it's neither too intrusive nor too detrimental where you identify with an overlap between submissive in service ( ie to a dominant, your dominant ) and submissive in general. Vastly different situations, finesse at dealing with difficult situations takes experience & a little practice providing your are mindful. Make sure it's not at a cost that's not too significant to contend with though. The submissive 'overlap' could be due to any of the numerous examples cited in posts above and unless you get some kind of erotic feedback from being a victim in social situations I would concur it's a stretch to consider the problems you associate with identifying as a submissive .

Let's use your restaurant example .....

You order a salad and ask for dressing on the side. The Waiter brings the salad dressed. Do you get yourself overwhelmed or throw a fit or feel victimized by your own inability to contend with what you really desire.

You could say ......

1. You got my order wrong, I asked for the dressing on the side.

You might also say .......

2. The salad looks wonderful, the dressing I ordered on the side, was the kitchen able to accommodate me ? ( genuine tone , no eye rolling )

3. You could eat it.

Same thing applies to unwelcome pm's .

1. You can tell the person you don't know to jam it.

2. You could thank them for their interest but remind them politely you prefer to converse on open threads with people you are still unfamiliar with.

or ....

3. You could live in eternal submissive damnation : insert lightening strike : for ongoing dealing with someone you are uncomfortable with.

A sincere dominant will usually respect a polite decline and earn your confidence over time . Dealing with trollish behavior is a waste of time and brain cells.

Hope this helps, I hope you didn't find my examples condescending. Just seemed the most expedient & practical way to explain myself. Best of luck

PS Spitting in food, finger stirring of drinks does happen in the venues of the highest reputations, when people feel pushed too hard. I know, I have seen it. It should never happen anywhere, come back to the premise of the "good, bad and ugly again ". I also happen to know why it was done one specific time, frankly I was hard pressed to blame the bartender & I was on the customer side of the equation. It was kinder than taking to the customer with a baseball bat. A jury of Michelin star holding Chefs wouldn't have convicted him in this case.

 

[BiBunny]

You might just have a hard time asserting yourself in general. I don't know if its related to your submissive fantasies or not. No need to be shy if say, you need to correct someone. Any reasonable person won't get mad if you do it in a respectful manner. And if they do, then screw them! As for the creepy guys, I'd suggest first ignoring them. If they repeatedly PM you, then tell them to leave you alone, you don't wish to chat about certain things. And the ignore button is your friend. Although the others before me said the same thing, I think its worth repeating.

As I said, I think you just need to learn to assert yourself better in general. You aren't submissive to anyone. Just your Dom. Its not unlike a submissive for you to assert yourself to people. You should expect to be treated normally, not as a doormat. Its perfectly OK to just say no to somebody if they have an unreasonable request or are being a douche to you. I know its not easy to do, but you will feel a lot better about it after you've done it a few times. Good luck!

It's really easy to say, "Don't be shy," and it's a hell of a lot harder to actually do it.

FWIW, shyness/timidness and submissiveness don't necessarily go hand-in-hand. I'm a Top-leaning switch, and I tend to be pretty damned quiet and unassuming until I get to know someone.

 

[Eya]

Hey everybody,

Huge thanks to everyone who's responded! I never dreamed of getting so many replies. Everybody has been very helpful, I just have to put all this in to practice now. Or I could just keep complaining .

It's nice to see the Good of the internets instead of just the Ugly. I don't think I've met any Bad yet. (Alluding to Rebecca's post)

Hopefully I'm too cute for anybody to spit in my food. A finger in the drink doesn't sound TOO disgusting.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

It's really easy to say, "Don't be shy," and it's a hell of a lot harder to actually do it.

FWIW, shyness/timidness and submissiveness don't necessarily go hand-in-hand. I'm a Top-leaning switch, and I tend to be pretty damned quiet and unassuming until I get to know someone.

Yes Bunny, but...... but..... but ........

Don't you think though if you acquire a few skills ( tricks whatever ) and work at it a little that overtime you can actually conquer some 'tricky' social situations to some degree ?

I am not saying it's easy, I'm not saying it's going to feel very comfortable but with practice there will eventually be good outcomes as a 'reward' . These are basic skills we all need irrespective of orientation that make life more cohesive.

I am the product of a family, both parents that loved nothing better than to make scenes in public. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me, anything but the unrelenting horror . I am not naturally inclined to be rude to people, it's easier not to contend sometimes. I made an effort over the years to teach myself to handle things better. It still makes me feel sick sometimes but I do it, I fake it if I have to. I feel a Hell of a lot better in myself dealing with stuff like this then going down masochism lane because I permitted myself not to be valued at a fair exchange.

 

[BiBunny]

Yes Bunny, but...... but..... but ........

Don't you think though if you acquire a few skills ( tricks whatever ) and work at it a little that overtime you can actually conquer some 'tricky' social situations to some degree ?

I am not saying it's easy, I'm not saying it's going to feel very comfortable but with practice there will eventually be good outcomes as a 'reward' . These are basic skills we all need irrespective of orientation that make life more cohesive.

I am the product of a family, both parents that loved nothing better than to make scenes in public. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me, anything but the unrelenting horror . I am not naturally inclined to be rude to people, it's easier not to contend sometimes. I made an effort over the years to teach myself to handle things better. It still makes me feel sick sometimes but I do it, I fake it if I have to. I feel a Hell of a lot better in myself dealing with stuff like this then going down masochism lane because I permitted myself not to be valued at a fair exchange.

Oh, yes, Miss Rebecca, and I am, in fact, a heck of a lot better than I used to be about being shy. I'm still not exactly the life of the party, but I'm getting to the point where I can make small talk with strangers without an audible tremor in my voice. It just bugs me when people say, "Oh, well, just stop being shy" like it's as easy as changing your socks or something.