Dom tips?

[Abradix]

I don't feel the need to say much except that I am a wanna-be Dom with a few sadistic tendencies. I'm a bookworm so I've done the research but I figure talking with people may be a bit more productive.

There's nothing that gets me going more than having a woman do as I ask and put her trust in me, I want to be a good Dom but mostly responsible and able to care for my sub; who is also a newbie. Help me out!

 

[Chicklet]

just be yourself and do what feels good. for both of you.

 

[FurryFury]

Welcome!

If you determine what your overlapping interests are that could help you both.

You need to discuss her limits, soft or hard as well as your own. Expect limits to change from time to time.

 

[SweetErika]

I don't feel the need to say much except that I am a wanna-be Dom with a few sadistic tendencies. I'm a bookworm so I've done the research but I figure talking with people may be a bit more productive.

There's nothing that gets me going more than having a woman do as I ask and put her trust in me, I want to be a good Dom but mostly responsible and able to care for my sub; who is also a newbie. Help me out!

Fury and Chicklet gave you great advice. Have you two been through a checklist? I like the first result on this page because it's in Excel format and can therefore be modified, updated and shared easily via email. I've also found it to be pretty comprehensive.

Also, it might help us to know if you have questions on what you've read so far or want to know about specific topics, what you think you're most interested in, and if this is an online-only relationship, or if it's at least heading toward real time interactions.

I'd suggest looking into local resources, like munches, groups and clubs. Ideally, you'll get an opportunity to ask questions, discuss things that are likely to help you in the future and get an idea how others practice WIITWD. Involvement in my local community has been an integral part of my education and development; I've met wonderful people and received a ton of support, knowledge and tips on toys, scenes, styles of play, etc.

As an aside, why do you consider yourself a "wanna-be Dom" as opposed to a new/inexperienced Dom? It seems like "wanna-be" often comes with a negative connotation and I'd assert that you're more likely to be the great Dom if you start considering yourself a Dom, even though you're inexperienced. Maybe it's a matter of semantics, but mindset is crucial; if you truly believe you're a Dom, you're more likely to dominate with confidence, take good care of your sub, make them feel secure develop the skills you'd like to, etc.

 

[Sterling]

When you have someone at your mercy... What are your 'deep dark' fantasies of what you do to her? I'd try that(after you discuss it with your sub of course).

 

[bandelero]

my thoughts

I would hesitate to offer any "tips" on how to be a Dom, but having only recently entered the BDSM scene myself, these are some of the things that were important to me.

OP sounds a lot like me insofar as the "sadistic dominant" feelings go, but as you state that you lack any practical skills, I suspect that your fears are similar to what mine were before I actually used a cane and flogger on another person in real life.

You perhaps worry, "This would hurt the hell out of me, am I going to hurt this person more than they want to be hurt?"

or: "This feels pretty false, do I seem ludicrous?" if you try to adopt a tone or posture that you think may seem the kind of "Dominance" style that might appeal to a submissive.

All this went through my head the first time a sub presented a bare behind and wanted it beaten. I was pretty lucky as the sub had been submissive for many years, knew exactly what they wanted, what their limits were and had explained to me in quite a lot of detail BEFORE the scene much of where the problems may lie.

As regards practicalities, I feel that any worthwhile Dom would indeed consider safety to be of paramount importance so the checklist idea, combined with the establishment of specific safewords/signals that are agreeable to you both are vital. This is even more so if the sub is being restrained/gagged/blindfolded, as in this instance the ONLY way they can let you know of any major problem is by using prearranged signals.
I not only established a standard type of amber/red safewords (generally taken to be, "amber = this is very close to my limit....red = STOP NOW" , but bearing in mind my inexperience I established a 3rd word of "pause now" which would give the sub a chance to temporarily break off to be able to tell me if I was doing something wrong, not hitting hard enough, aim was wrong, timing of strokes too slow....any of a hundred things that an inexperienced Dom needs to learn.

One of the things that my sub had warned me about was that they hated to actually tell me anything "in scene" as it completely broke the submissive aspect for them. What they told me was that I needed to learn from the body language if what I was doing was good/bad/indifferent.
This was actually quite a bit easier than I thought it would be. The appearance of my sub's bottom flinching from the last blow, then lifting to recieve the next was clearly approval....equally clear was the sideways wriggle away from a badly placed stroke that hurt in all the wrong ways.

Above all, talk to your sub, talk to others, ask specific questions and the answers will be much more targeted.
Good luck and happiness in your life, wherever it takes you.

 

[Abradix]

glad to come back and see some worthwhile responses.

I used the term wanna-be because I'm not curious, I know what I want to do I just need to find the correct approach. My sub and I will obviously take things slow but sadism seems like a more dangerous side to the D/s relationship. I'm just trying to keep her best interests in mind while still being able to take it to new levels.

 

[Abradix]

Edit: double post!!