My first poem...Here...[bondage]

[Masterisall]

Well, this is my first poem post at literotica.
It seems to be BDSM but it\'s not....


The brown sting, it scorches
It is red and it is flaring
How exactly how I have got here
I seem to have forgotton
But I can not forget the pain
That has me traped here
I struggle but the bonds do not loosen
I place my hands over these ropes
That are burning my flesh
I could untie them if I really wanted
I want to be let free, yet I stay here willingly
Because I know, it is you that is keeping me here
In this beautiful painfulness.

-J

 

[champagne1982]

Well, this is my first poem post at literotica.
It seems to be BDSM but it\'s not....


The brown sting, it scorches
It is red and it is flaring
How exactly how I have got here
I seem to have forgotton
But I can not forget the pain
That has me traped here
I struggle but the bonds do not loosen
I place my hands over these ropes
That are burning my flesh
I could untie them if I really wanted
I want to be let free, yet I stay here willingly
Because I know, it is you that is keeping me here
In this beautiful painfulness.

-Jesse

Hi Jesse. If the poem's not about bondage and submission could you enlighten us as to what you're using the metaphor to illustrate? Even as I search for hidden meaning I can't get past the face value of the poem, so I'm sure a casual reader will always claim the theme is BDSM, regardless of what you're telling us.

It's a good poem. I can see where you may want to cast a thorough editing eye over this to catch a bit of typos and misspellings; maybe tighten up the word count a little but you've written a coherent poem. Now all we need is the back story to tell us what you've painted.

 

[loveumore]

Well, this is my first poem post at literotica.
It seems to be BDSM but it\'s not....


The brown sting, it scorches
It is red and it is flaring
How exactly how I have got here
I seem to have forgotton
But I can not forget the pain
That has me traped here
I struggle but the bonds do not loosen
I place my hands over these ropes
That are burning my flesh
I could untie them if I really wanted
I want to be let free, yet I stay here willingly
Because I know, it is you that is keeping me here
In this beautiful painfulness.

-Jesse

I hope you don't mind if I played with your poem. I think it's a good one, but like champagne said, there are some errors. Just thought I'd try to help.

It scorches. The brown sting
is red and flaring.

Or

The brown sting is red and flaring.
It scorches.

How I got here seems to be forgotten,
but I can't forget the pain
that has trapped me here.

I struggle but the bonds don't loosen,
and place my hands over the ropes
that burn my flesh.

I could untie them if I wanted,
and want to be free, yet stay willingly
because I know it's you that keeps me here
in this beautiful painfulness.

It seems this is about a person who's in love, and can't break free because they're used to the pain the other person is causing them. At the same time, I feel the person is confused about the situation. "struggle"

I wonder if the ropes ARE the other person. The reason I think this is because of the words "bonds" and "beautiful". You cannot break the connection. (bond)

I could be wrong, but I hope you come back to tell us. : )

 

[Masterisall]

Thanks for the advice everyone!! And Loveunomore
It is about a relationship.

It’s about me and my girl friend, well ex. Have broken up, and about her lies and how they hurt me, and her cheating.. And how I still love her even through the pain and even though I can’t seem to move on without her. Here is a revision.. I don’t know if its any better

The brown sting, it is scorching
It is red and it is flaring
How exactly I have been placed here
I seem to have forgotten
But I can not forget the pain
Of which that has trapped me here
I place my fragile hands over these ropes
Those that are burning into my flesh
I could untie them if I truly willed it
Because I know it is you that is keeping me here
Inside of this beautiful painfulness.

-Jesse.

PS.. the "Ropes" are the other person.

and a lil back story.. yes i am into BDSM.. and yes I am dom.. haha. doesnt seem like it does it? but this poem is not about BDSM, it just uses it as metaphor. Its something new that I'd thought I'd try.

 

[loveumore]

PS.. the "Ropes" are the other person.

Yay! What do I win? : )

I just got in and it's early morning, but I'd like to comment on your revision tomorrow. I was just anxious to find out, and kept checking for your return. I'm glad you came back and explained it.

Oh, and

Writing can heal.

 

[champagne1982]

Thanks for the advice everyone!! And Loveunomore
It is about a relationship.

It’s about me and my girl friend, well ex. Have broken up, and about her lies and how they hurt me, and her cheating.. And how I still love her even through the pain and even though I can’t seem to move on without her. Here is a revision.. I don’t know if its any better

The brown sting, it is scorching
It is red and it is flaring
How exactly I have been placed here
I seem to have forgotten
But I can not forget the pain
Of which that has trapped me here
I place my fragile hands over these ropes
Those that are burning into my flesh
I could untie them if I truly willed it
Because I know it is you that is keeping me here
Inside of this beautiful painfulness.

-Jesse.

PS.. the "Ropes" are the other person.

and a lil back story.. yes i am into BDSM.. and yes I am dom.. haha. doesnt seem like it does it? but this poem is not about BDSM, it just uses it as metaphor. Its something new that I'd thought I'd try.

Hi again, Jesse.

What I've done here is something of a line by two line edit and critique. Anything I write here shouldn't be taken as an insult or as criticism of you as a person. My comments are my opinion about your poem and suggestions as to how I think you could make the poem better for me.

The brown sting, it is scorching
It is red and it is flaring

I don't understand the reason for brown. Is it a leather whip? I don't think I should need to guess. As a writer wouldn't it be better if you show us what you mean rather than simply leave your meaning as a mystery to the reader?
Have you read about gerunds? I think you could choose a different sentence structure/word order to eliminate the "ing" from scorch and flare. If the brown sting is a whip how about...

This leather lash scorches as it kisses
flayed raw inside its red flare ... or something to that effect?

How exactly I have been placed here
I seem to have forgotten

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the use of punctuation inside contemporary poetry. If you wish to eschew its use, though, I think you need to avoid posing direct questions inside your narrative. Bring your voice into the active rather than the passive tense through switching the order of the two lines or give us another image.

a dropped toy, tossed aside
forgotten in your exit

But I can not forget the pain
Of which that has trapped me here

My opinion of the previous two lines is that they are redundant and unneccessary. Actually dulling the scoured heat of your pain through too many references to it and too many words about it.

I place my fragile hands over these ropes
Those that are burning into my flesh

These and those... If you are discussing bonds why not get rid of any extraneous words? This is a very good image and if you condense it, I feel it would burn into my cerebral cortex and last a while.

My fragile hands rest on ropes
seared into my flesh


I could untie them if I truly willed it

End your poem with that thought. Your last two lines do nothing for the poem even though they sound lovely, in fact, they tell too much rather than showing us anything to identify the missing person in your poem. We know someone has played with you, hurt you and then left you, still bound already. You have shown us this. I feel you have something far more effective if you keep us focussed on you, still bleeding.

Because I know it is you that is keeping me here
Inside of this beautiful painfulness.

I know, these last two lines are lovely to look at and ohhhhh so poetic. Beware of their lure. Using them in this poem draws something out of your metaphor and tends to make me, (as a reader) want to dismiss the entire poem.​

I hope I haven't offended you with this analysis and critique. Remember that you have the last say on how your poem is written and presented, anyone else's thoughts are just ephemeral and powerless to change your words or how you feel until you allow it.

Thanks for sharing.

 

[Masterisall]

Hi again, Jesse.

What I've done here is something of a line by two line edit and critique. Anything I write here shouldn't be taken as an insult or as criticism of you as a person. My comments are my opinion about your poem and suggestions as to how I think you could make the poem better for me.

The brown sting, it is scorching
It is red and it is flaring

I don't understand the reason for brown. Is it a leather whip? I don't think I should need to guess. As a writer wouldn't it be better if you show us what you mean rather than simply leave your meaning as a mystery to the reader?
Have you read about gerunds? I think you could choose a different sentence structure/word order to eliminate the "ing" from scorch and flare. If the brown sting is a whip how about...

This leather lash scorches as it kisses
flayed raw inside its red flare ... or something to that effect?

How exactly I have been placed here
I seem to have forgotten

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the use of punctuation inside contemporary poetry. If you wish to eschew its use, though, I think you need to avoid posing direct questions inside your narrative. Bring your voice into the active rather than the passive tense through switching the order of the two lines or give us another image.

a dropped toy, tossed aside
forgotten in your exit

But I can not forget the pain
Of which that has trapped me here

My opinion of the previous two lines is that they are redundant and unneccessary. Actually dulling the scoured heat of your pain through too many references to it and too many words about it.

I place my fragile hands over these ropes
Those that are burning into my flesh

These and those... If you are discussing bonds why not get rid of any extraneous words? This is a very good image and if you condense it, I feel it would burn into my cerebral cortex and last a while.

My fragile hands rest on ropes
seared into my flesh


I could untie them if I truly willed it

End your poem with that thought. Your last two lines do nothing for the poem even though they sound lovely, in fact, they tell too much rather than showing us anything to identify the missing person in your poem. We know someone has played with you, hurt you and then left you, still bound already. You have shown us this. I feel you have something far more effective if you keep us focussed on you, still bleeding.

Because I know it is you that is keeping me here
Inside of this beautiful painfulness.

I know, these last two lines are lovely to look at and ohhhhh so poetic. Beware of their lure. Using them in this poem draws something out of your metaphor and tends to make me, (as a reader) want to dismiss the entire poem.​

I hope I haven't offended you with this analysis and critique. Remember that you have the last say on how your poem is written and presented, anyone else's thoughts are just ephemeral and powerless to change your words or how you feel until you allow it.

Thanks for sharing.

No, you have not offened me at all. I enjoy critisism. They help me become a better writer. But one thing I must tell you about the brown. The brown is a burn.. A burn that will not go away, = the pain which will not go away.

Hmmm.. I will do a rough revision here and more later.. I think I want to keep the last two lines. But they may go away lol.

The burning sting, it is scorching
It flares and is burning
How exactly I have been placed here
I seem to have forgotten
But I can not forget the pain
Of which that has trapped me here
I place my fragile hands upon these ropes
Those that are burning into my flesh
I know it is you that is keeping me here
Deep within these binds that are holding me down
Inside of this beautiful agony
And I know that deep within my heart
I could untie them if I truly willed it


the use of ing.. is the meaning of on-going.. To imply that it still is happening..

*Thanks to my friend Katie for suggesting that I change the word painfulness.. Agony does work better. Feels right lol

 

[EriAliSaa]

Hi Jesse. If the poem's not about bondage and submission could you enlighten us as to what you're using the metaphor to illustrate? Even as I search for hidden meaning I can't get past the face value of the poem, so I'm sure a casual reader will always claim the theme is BDSM, regardless of what you're telling us.

I think the problem is seeing through the nick Masterisall and the intro into the poem saying that is not what it is before you have read it.

Jesse I think you should let a poem stand on its own before you go about saying what it is not. What you did in essence is advertise what you didn't want the reader to see so it is hard to get passed that imagery.

That being said I liked that you left it open to any sort of constraints that one might put on themselves. In my first reading of it I saw a woman that was bound to the pain of her past.... maybe a past abusive relationship, or a lost love, maybe a regret that she still enjoys reminiscing about in her private moments, on that as the immortal Steven Perry crooned has the taste of bittersweet". But of course that is because of my own perspective and experiences.

There are some rough lines there that threw me, as others have pointed out. If you get it a bit tighter and better flow it will be easier and more enjoyable to read IMO.

Overall I liked it. I would like to see it kept a bit more vague, and not completely spell out your intent so that it transcends your own purposes.... but I like vague so I am biased that way.

Thank you for sharing, hope I helped in some way.

 

[Masterisall]

well this is really the first time I've actually put real thought and time into a poem, and try to listen to other peoples opinions. So this may take me a while. I will come back later regrading a revision.

 

[Masterisall]

Long time, no see jk jk .. Anyway how about this?

How about this..

Kept Here Willingly

The brown sting, it is scorching
It is red and it is flaring
Throbing chest with shadey eyes
Aburn fire burns behind them
How exactly I have been placed here
I seem to have forgotten
Meals for two sit in solitude
One only half eaten
But I can not forget the pain
Of which that has trapped me here
Blisters upon my flesh
Cover me like a whool blanket
I place my fragile hands over these ropes
Those that are burning into my flesh
It is you that are keeping me here
Inside of this beautiful painfulness
I know that I could untie the knots if I turly willed it

 

[champagne1982]

Long time, no see jk jk .. Anyway how about this?

How about this..

Kept Here Willingly

The brown sting, it is scorching
It is red and it is flaring
Throbing chest with shadey eyes
Aburn fire burns behind them
How exactly I have been placed here
I seem to have forgotten
Meals for two sit in solitude
One only half eaten
But I can not forget the pain
Of which that has trapped me here
Blisters upon my flesh
Cover me like a whool blanket
I place my fragile hands over these ropes
Those that are burning into my flesh
It is you that are keeping me here
Inside of this beautiful painfulness
I know that I could untie the knots if I turly willed it

Google has an online spell check function that you can upload directly onto the toolbar. Posting this, after all of the previous critique people (yes, me too) have offered, is a bit disrespectful to your readers, your poetry and to yourself, don't you think? Take a minute and edit your spelling, you'll find people are more prepared to return to offer reviews and editing advice.

A thorough critique takes time and you insult peoples' willingness to spend that time on your poem if you don't do the ground work yourself.

 

[Angeline]

Thanks for the advice everyone!! And Loveunomore
It is about a relationship.

It’s about me and my girl friend, well ex. Have broken up, and about her lies and how they hurt me, and her cheating.. And how I still love her even through the pain and even though I can’t seem to move on without her. Here is a revision.. I don’t know if its any better

The brown sting, it is scorching
It is red and it is flaring
How exactly I have been placed here
I seem to have forgotten
But I can not forget the pain
Of which that has trapped me here
I place my fragile hands over these ropes
Those that are burning into my flesh
I could untie them if I truly willed it
Because I know it is you that is keeping me here
Inside of this beautiful painfulness.

-Jesse.

PS.. the "Ropes" are the other person.

and a lil back story.. yes i am into BDSM.. and yes I am dom.. haha. doesnt seem like it does it? but this poem is not about BDSM, it just uses it as metaphor. Its something new that I'd thought I'd try.

Hi.

I have to say I'm with Champ on this poem. All I see are some lines about someone who loves bondage. If it's a metaphor for something else, that doesn't come across. A metaphor can't work unless the reader can intuit that something is standing in for something else. If I say something like "the yellow butter sky," you may or may not get I mean the Sun. If I say "the Sun is a yellow butter sky," that's a metaphor. The connection has to be stated or implied strongly enough so readers get it.

Also there are some grammatical things that are hurting your poem. For example:

The brown sting, it is scorching

You never need to use a pronoun right after a noun; it's extraneous, so you can say "The brown sting is scorching," but never "The brown sting, it ...." Also I agree with Champ that "sting" isn't enough for your readers to know you mean a lash or flogger or some such.

Another thing poets need to watch for is excess verbage. Poems work best when every word (or almost every word) counts. So, for example, you don't need a second "it is" in this line:

It is red and it is flaring


and you don't need "seem to" in this one:

I seem to have forgotten

And here, the excess words have got entirely in the way of meaning:

Of which that has trapped me here

You have to watch visuals, too. This one doesn't work for me because it doesn't seem plausible:

I place my fragile hands over these ropes

If your hands are tied up, how would you place them "over" anything? Your wrists might turn or twist "against" ropes, your body might arch, but hands pretty much have to be free to be "over" something.

In your last line, you have a potentially great phrase "beautiful pain" that is ruined by "painfulness" It's awkward.

Inside of this beautiful painfulness.

If it's not something you can imagine someone saying, it likely won't work in writing either. That's a rule of thumb that works for me.

I think if you went through the poem, took out words you don't need and added something to help readers understand this is a metaphor, something real, concrete, you'd have a much stronger poem.

Just my two cents.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

. and yes I am dom.. haha. doesnt seem like it does it?

yes it does.

anyway, I tend to agree with suggestions others have offered. Do be sure to do the technical work on spelling and other basics before you submit stuff - as has been said, you'll get much more effort from other poets if you put that initial time in on your pieces.

bj

 

[Masterisall]

@champagne1982 I'm sorry that I wasted your time I didn't really think about it. I appologize and I hope I can not do it again yet I must say how ever I do believe in grammar and rules while writing a story I don't much like the idea of having rules to a free form poem, I think that it should have any structure that it wants to and that includes using pronouns after nouns poetry is not a story but it can tell one, that's how I feel anyway sorry if that is disrpectful but it's just my own beliefs. Anyway

I really hope this is a bit better, I tried to make it more understanable and to obliterate the areas where the spelling was horrible.

Kept Here Willingly

You left me here
With this brown scorching sting
That is red and flaring
Beaten and placed into restraints
A throbbing chest along with shady eyes
Auburn fire burns behind them
How exactly I have been placed here
I have now forgotten
While staring at meals for two
One only half eaten
I'm left alone in helplessness
But I can not forget the pain
Of which that has trapped me here
Blisters upon my flesh
Cover me like a wool blanket
I place my fragile hands in the damp air
Trying to grasp something, anything
Then finding nothing to grab a hold to
I can feel the insects that are the ropes
Burning into my flesh
It is you that are keeping me here
Inside of this beautiful agony
You left me here with a single tear on your face
You're not coming back to let me up
Yet I know that I could untie the knots if I truly willed it

 

[Angeline]

@champagne1982 I'm sorry that I wasted your time I didn't really think about it. I appologize and I hope I can not do it again yet I must say how ever I do believe in grammar and rules while writing a story I don't much like the idea of having rules to a free form poem, I think that it should have any structure that it wants to and that includes using pronouns after nouns poetry is not a story but it can tell one, that's how I feel anyway sorry if that is disrpectful but it's just my own beliefs. Anyway

I really hope this is a bit better, I tried to make it more understanable and to obliterate the areas where the spelling was horrible.

Kept Here Willingly

You left me here
With this brown scorching sting
That is red and flaring
Beaten and placed into restraints
A throbbing chest along with shady eyes
Auburn fire burns behind them
How exactly I have been placed here
I have now forgotten
While staring at meals for two
One only half eaten
I'm left alone in helplessness
But I can not forget the pain
Of which that has trapped me here
Blisters upon my flesh
Cover me like a wool blanket
I place my fragile hands in the damp air
Trying to grasp something, anything
Then finding nothing to grab a hold to
I can feel the insects that are the ropes
Burning into my flesh
It is you that are keeping me here
Inside of this beautiful agony
You left me here with a single tear on your face
You're not coming back to let me up
Yet I know that I could untie the knots if I truly willed it

You know what? Look at the difference between where you started and where this poem is now. This latest effort is clearer and smoother to read. Quite honestly, you need to keep writing poems, write every day and you will find it gets easier to avoid the kinds of things you had to fix in this poem. Feel good about the effort you put into this and then set yourself a higher standard and work toward that. That is how every single poet here and elsewhere does it. We keep reading, we keep identifying what it is that's good about the poems we like, and we try to emulate those things in our own writing. If you do that you will keep improving. No two ways about it.

 

[champagne1982]

@champagne1982 I'm sorry that I wasted your time I didn't really think about it. I appologize and I hope I can not do it again yet I must say how ever I do believe in grammar and rules while writing a story I don't much like the idea of having rules to a free form poem, I think that it should have any structure that it wants to and that includes using pronouns after nouns poetry is not a story but it can tell one, that's how I feel anyway sorry if that is disrpectful but it's just my own beliefs. Anyway

I really hope this is a bit better, I tried to make it more understanable and to obliterate the areas where the spelling was horrible.<snip>

Grammar and rules in poetry can, sometimes be just another poetic device you can use to get your message across more clearly in your view. Everything you write, ultimately belongs to you and like it or not, is a reflection on your skill, talent and intelligence. Critique and how we respond to it is a mere extension of that thought.

I was just a little snarky when, after all the effort was spent on your poem, you still let the same spelling errors creep in. I hope you went ahead and downloaded an online spellchecker, really. When you hang the drywall and do the taping and the sanding well, the finishers only need to come in and help the builder paint.

And, this is a LOT better. Thank you for taking your time to honour us with your work.

 

[Masterisall]

Thanks to you and your pushing me to actually work it's better. Thank you very much