My fiancé is boring! I dont know what to do! What do you men like?

[Lady_In_Black]

So I am getting married in around 20 days, and all is honestly well, and I am happy, just not to interested in sex with him, and here is why.

He has no fetishes. No interests, nothing that seriously makes him sit up and take notice. He's straight, he likes women, and sex, and he claims he likes everything. He's COMPLETELY open minded, will try anything I ask him about but he's almost neutral in the fact that he likes everything on the same exact horizontal line.

I try dressing up in all sorts of outfits, completely naked, completely clothed, I let him spank me and be rough and do all sorts of things, I do it all back to him, blow jobs, I've offered anal, on both ends. Plenty of vanilla sex, he doesn't seem to prefer anything!

I get off on him enjoying things, I like it when the person is enjoying them self. He always cums, is always smiling and hot and sweaty for ten minutes afterwards. He just never starts things, never asks me to do anything, or not to, I've never caught him looking at porn, he can't/wont tell me any interests he has, he doesn't seem to care about sex at all, as long as have have it at least once a week.

I am ranting cause I don't know how to explain this exactly. He just doesn't care what I do, or if I do anything at all. I can't do anything special for him, 'cause it doesn't seem to matter.

Is there something I am missing? Something else I could try? I've mentioned this to him and he just says he likes everything, in this neutral, disconnected way. Thing is, when you like everything, nothing is special or means anything. I can't get him hot and bothered at all.

What do you men, and skilled women, suggest?

 

[DarkhairedLady]

hmm.. i don't wish to sound uppity or rude. but it sounds like..he's very much into you. as you mentioned he's done everything you've asked of him. he enjoys all that you've introduced him to. so apparently he simply enjoys YOU. and you think that's a bad thing?

 

[guitar_player38]

hummmm?

well I too think that he is into you .....but I know what you mean when you get enjoyment by seeing your Sweetie feeling good or letting you know what makes them tick. I've been married for almost 20 years and I still finda things the make her tick. ..........

 

[DeservingBitch]

Leaving aside the issue of considering marrying someone who you find boring sexually, maybe going through a play checklist with him may help. Here are two I have bookmarked:

http://www.fetishexchange.org/bdsm-checklist.shtml

http://www.netscum.org/bdsmchklst/

 

[guitar_player38]

Leaving aside the issue of considering marrying someone who you find boring sexually, maybe going through a play checklist with him may help. Here are two I have bookmarked:

http://www.fetishexchange.org/bdsm-checklist.shtml

http://www.netscum.org/bdsmchklst/

yeah that is a very good idea...........It can be fun to find out what the other person answers ......but they must answer trufuly.....

 

[Lady_In_Black]

Did I sound that bad? I am sorry. I know he is into me. I am happy with him, and the sex is fine, I just can't figure out what to do to make it special for him, on a holiday, his birthday, anniversary. When I ask him he has no idea, and when I think of something myself, he never seems all that interested.

 

[alexanna]

Have you told him that the fact that he does not initiate sex is a problem for you? Perhaps it bothers you that you are doing all the work to bring spice into your sex life and although he enjoys it all he isn't really contributing any creativity. Perhaps you could tell him that by not initiating and participating in planning and setting up the "scene" in whatever sense you do a scene you aren't feeling as loved and valued as you would be otherwise. I would look at this pretty hard before marrying him. In the long term...years from now are you going to be happy being the one to initiate sex most of the time; the only one to bring any creativity to that part of your relationship?

My husband is also pretty neutral sexually. He is straight and enjoys sex with me of pretty much any flavor I want to try. I am lucky in that he understands that I need a more true D/s dynamic and that he must be the Top. I express interest in certain activities and email him stories but he decides what we do and how. It would not work for me otherwise.

It still bothers me a little that he has no fetishes that I can satisfy but he is a good enough Top and so naturally Dominant that it works. I can also tell it is satisfying for him and thus satisfying for me even though he would be satisfied with strictly vanilla sex.

 

[twysted73]

I know of a woman who dropped her wedding day for this very reason. Loved the guy, been through a lot with eachother. But he didn't "do it" for her.

And depending on how you look at things and what your opinion and beliefs are, the extra kink is either something you can live without for the sake of your love OR (like me) something you MUST have some sort of compatability with your partner.

Your choice ultimately. Weigh your options and choose wisely. What's wise? Whatever you think you can live with in the end.

 

[guitar_player38]

I guess you wanted what we like too.......

I like to make her feel like she is going to explode with an orgasam ...........getting her all horny worked up ...... making her feel good in any way I can ......... I guess I get my enjoyment from seeing and hearing her cum...... for me personaly I like her on top in a long love making session. oral is good too.

 

[Adakgirl]

OMG call off the wedding! I was married to a man just like that! It will get worse not better. WARNING WARNING!

 

[BiBunny]

One of my exes was like that. Didn't care anything about sex, except that he got it once a week or so. His favorite thing was 45-minute-long, non-reciprocal oral sex, which he'd bitch about when it was over because I "wasn't doing it right." Well, for fuck's sake, how can you expect anyone to have any finesse when she's been sucking your dick for 45 minutes? I didn't have feeling in anything above my shoulders at that point. (FWIW, every other man who's ever had his cock in my mouth has said I'm far and away the best cocksucker they've ever encountered--in a totally non-bullshit way.)

I'd just started exploring my kinks at this point. He wasn't crazy about them, but he humored me (to get the long, boring, non-reciprocal blowjob, I guess). In all honesty, he was just fucking lazy about sex. He'd lay there and take it, but he wouldn't put forth any effort whatsoever. If I didn't get off after his three minutes of rutting on top of me, I usually had to cry myself to sleep because he wasn't gonna help me cum, no matter how much I begged. If he woke up horny, we had boring sex. If I woke up horny, I was handed my vibrator. If I tried to initiate sex, he'd push me away and try to make me feel guilty about my sex drive. Then, a couple of days later, he'd bitch because I never initiated sex.

It never got better. In fact, it got so bad that still, to this day, some 3 years later, the only sexual hangup I have left is that I will not touch the other person in a sexual manner first. This is no fun at all to my dominant side, but that's the way it is.

To the OP, it's your life and your decision, but I'd think long and hard about marrying the guy. What bugs you before you're married is not likely to stop bugging you once you're stuck with him. It's no fun to be made to feel like a disgusting freak who only uses men for sex by a lazy asshole who's intimidated that his girlfriend has 10 times the sex drive he does.

 

[Lady_In_Black]

Wow. So half of you seem to think that I should just call off the wedding instead of trying to work through this with him, and trying to improve both our lives. Helpful.

The sex is great, and he is far from boring, and he does initiate it. I am sorry for so poorly explaining myself. I love him, and I am going to marry him, and I am happy about it.

I just want advice on getting him more interested in what we are doing. Get him really fired up, find SOMETHING that makes his mind and body go "BOING!".

 

[BiBunny]

Well, the truth is that oftentimes problems in the bedroom are a symptom of problems elsewhere in the relationship. A lot of people think that sex shouldn't be a dealbreaker, but it is in many instances. I mean, if a man can't be passionate in the bedroom of all places, is he going to be passionate in other areas of his life? Is he going to support me in the things I'm passionate about? Is he even going to understand what it means to be passionate about something? The ex I spoke of in my earlier post didn't. He was one of those people who just let life pass him by and bitched because it wasn't what he wanted it to be. I'm an incredibly passionate person, and I simply couldn't tolerate someone who complained about his lot in life, but wouldn't get up off his sorry ass and do something about it. The lack of passion in the bedroom, in that case, was certainly just a symptom of bigger problems in the relationship.

I'm not trying to be "unhelpful." I'm just giving you my perspective from someone who's been there and done that.

 

[Byakuya]

my wife is kinda like that.. she's not willing to do everything I want though.. she's just indifferent about a lot of things.. willing to try some things, but not really turned on by them.. I've tied her up during sex, but she wasn't into it.. she wasn't interested in tying me up.. she'd do it, but she wouldn't be "into it" which would defeat the whole purpose as far as I'm concerned.. it's like the whole purpose of sex is the orgasm.. in my opinion sex is a journey, not a destination.. the orgasm is nice at the end, but I want to enjoy a lot of weird kinky stuff first.. her sexual interests really haven't changed in the 7 years we've been married.. mine have intensified though.. I'd be willing to try almost anything if she said it turned her on..

 

[nh23]

Wow. So half of you seem to think that I should just call off the wedding instead of trying to work through this with him, and trying to improve both our lives. Helpful.

The sex is great, and he is far from boring, and he does initiate it. I am sorry for so poorly explaining myself. I love him, and I am going to marry him, and I am happy about it.

I just want advice on getting him more interested in what we are doing. Get him really fired up, find SOMETHING that makes his mind and body go "BOING!".

I'm at an absolute loss. If nothing you have tried has worked, and he refuses to tell you what would really get him going.. I don't have any advice I can offer. Do you think that there may be a problem with communication between the two of you since he won't tell you his desires? Or does he just not have any? It may be the two of you just aren't that sexually compatible.

 

[SouthernDom]

So I am getting married in around 20 days, and all is honestly well, and I am happy, just not to interested in sex with him, and here is why.

He has no fetishes. No interests, nothing that seriously makes him sit up and take notice. He's straight, he likes women, and sex, and he claims he likes everything. He's COMPLETELY open minded, will try anything I ask him about but he's almost neutral in the fact that he likes everything on the same exact horizontal line.

I try dressing up in all sorts of outfits, completely naked, completely clothed, I let him spank me and be rough and do all sorts of things, I do it all back to him, blow jobs, I've offered anal, on both ends. Plenty of vanilla sex, he doesn't seem to prefer anything!

I get off on him enjoying things, I like it when the person is enjoying them self. He always cums, is always smiling and hot and sweaty for ten minutes afterwards. He just never starts things, never asks me to do anything, or not to, I've never caught him looking at porn, he can't/wont tell me any interests he has, he doesn't seem to care about sex at all, as long as have have it at least once a week.

I am ranting cause I don't know how to explain this exactly. He just doesn't care what I do, or if I do anything at all. I can't do anything special for him, 'cause it doesn't seem to matter.

Is there something I am missing? Something else I could try? I've mentioned this to him and he just says he likes everything, in this neutral, disconnected way. Thing is, when you like everything, nothing is special or means anything. I can't get him hot and bothered at all.

What do you men, and skilled women, suggest?

Why not just share this thread,or at the very least, explain your concerns to him as you explained it in the opening post?

Better talk this out now and decide if this can be worked through or you'll be talking to a lawyer later about getting a divorce.

Just my .02

 

[Yang4yin]

... Get him really fired up, find SOMETHING that makes his mind and body go "BOING!".

Next time you're giving him head, slip a freshly cut finger of ginger root up his butt and see what happens.

 

[bobshortforkate]

Wow. So half of you seem to think that I should just call off the wedding instead of trying to work through this with him, and trying to improve both our lives. Helpful.

The sex is great, and he is far from boring, and he does initiate it. I am sorry for so poorly explaining myself. I love him, and I am going to marry him, and I am happy about it.

I just want advice on getting him more interested in what we are doing. Get him really fired up, find SOMETHING that makes his mind and body go "BOING!".

Well, it might help if you didn't give conflicting information. For example, in your OP you claim you're not interested in sex with him, he's disinterested in sex beyond just following what you want, and give the impression he's a boring lay.

Beyond that I have no useful advice whatsoever. If he refuses to tell you what he likes, then certainly a bunch of strangers can't read his mind. Perhaps sex therapy? Maybe he has some hangups he's uncomfortable talking to you about, or fetishes he's afraid you might freak out over.

Good luck.

 

[kimbernee]

I think I get it. You want him to be desperate and nothing makes him desperate. It's possible he's got a secret fetish and it's possible he's never been desperate and never will be. Can you live with that?

 

[Netzach]

I'm not saying I'd call it off, but I AM saying I would give myself more than 20 days and I'd find a therapist not freaked out by sexual issues to go see together before you go getting hitched. This is not going to magically improve and it may not be something you can improve in 20 days. And it's not something I'd want to walk into for the rest of my life, personally. Sure we have sexual ups and downs, but it's important to be hitched to the same wagon if you want to pull together.

 

[bobshortforkate]

I'm not saying I'd call it off, but I AM saying I would give myself more than 20 days and I'd find a therapist not freaked out by sexual issues to go see together before you go getting hitched. This is not going to magically improve and it may not be something you can improve in 20 days. And it's not something I'd want to walk into for the rest of my life, personally. Sure we have sexual ups and downs, but it's important to be hitched to the same wagon if you want to pull together.

That was awesome.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I wouldn't be going through with marriage until you sort this out and have a testing period of time to see if it remains sorted and working. It obviously is bothering you a great deal, and from those of us who have been there done that in the divorce court, it is much less stressful to avoid divorce in the first place and the only way to do that is to honestly recognise when things are not as perfect as you keep saying they are, and either find a solution which works for both, or move on. I know it sounds difficult, but not as difficult, but not as difficult as when the ring goes on and all of a sudden you feel trapped and paniced as to how to survive the next few decades in this relationship. Have you actually told him how you feel beyond asking for him to tell you what sets him on fire? Perhaps that is a good place to start. If he doesn't realise how much it is bothering you and understand why, he might just not be answering as honestly or openly as you would like, believing it unnecessary for now, or embarrassing to him. Talk and work it out before the wedding, not after.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

I'm sitting here wondering again, why do people go through with marriages when they already know there are serious problems before they walk down the aisle.

Is it just that the cake, flowers, dress and church are already paid for?

Is it so you can say you at least got married once?

WTF?

Seriously.

I know why I made my mistakes. I hate to see people rushing headlong like lemmings to jump off cliffs.

 

[Netzach]

I'm sitting here wondering again, why do people go through with marriages when they already know there are serious problems before they walk down the aisle.

Is it just that the cake, flowers, dress and church are already paid for?

Is it so you can say you at least got married once?

WTF?

Seriously.

I know why I made my mistakes. I hate to see people rushing headlong like lemmings to jump off cliffs.

Got me.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm sitting here wondering again, why do people go through with marriages when they already know there are serious problems before they walk down the aisle.

Is it just that the cake, flowers, dress and church are already paid for?

Is it so you can say you at least got married once?

WTF?

Seriously.

I know why I made my mistakes. I hate to see people rushing headlong like lemmings to jump off cliffs.

I think it varies for everyone, but often is as simple as getting caught up in the fantasy of the big day (and not thinking much beyond it), afraid of the SO's reaction to pulling out, feeling obligated to not disappoint people looking forward to the wedding/marriage, feeling stupid to have gone this far and then realising it is not right, feeling confused, feeling you can no longer trust yourself, feeling you have failed at one of lifes milestones...all valid at the moment, but often not near as important in hindsight.

Catalina