How does a bi-newbie guy come out to his wife?

[Kuriousnomore]

I’ve read a lot about guys like me here on lit. Sounds like I’m pretty typical for this situation. Mid 60s, 2nd wife of five years is late 50s. As far as that relationship goes, we have what seems like something almost ideal, including fantastic, frequent sex. In this relationship, I am the more dominant and adventurous, she is content to be support staff, as she says. I guess I really shouldn’t complain too much, she’s willing anytime, and enjoys it immensely. She’s just not one to initiate it very much and is happy for me to take the lead in all that we do. I read elsewhere here about men being described as wanting more in the bedroom, that is to be able to be submissive. The description that I’ve read says that we spend our adult lives, careers, being the alpha, the dominant, the breadwinner, the dad, the in-charge, responsible one, and at the end of the day sometimes we need a sexual relationship where we can be submissive, as a respite from all of that. We need someone else who will take charge, and let us enjoy being nurtured, attended to, the submissive in a dominant – submissive role play. Combine that with the fact that seven or eight years ago, I started having bi sexual fantasies… very typical of ones described here so often. I’m not so much attracted to a male/male relationship as I am to wanting a sexual relationship with another male or males. I want to suck cock, I want mine sucked, I want to be fucked in the ass, so badly first, and eventually return that favor. I can see myself making out passionately with another guy in the middle of all of that. I’m not into cross-dressing myself, but I have seen photos of cross-dressed men that really turned me on because they look so much like a sexy woman. Trans girls interest me, but I’ve never been around one, that I know of. Maybe that’s in my future also someday.

I’ve sucked one cock, about seven years ago. It changed my life. Since then, I have fantasized about it daily, but nothing more. My wife of five years and I have found her limits, she’s not really into blowjobs, and is quite uncomfortable with the idea of pegging me. This leaves me desperately wanting to experience cocks in my mouth again, mine in someone else’s, and being fucked in the ass like you can’t imagine.

We have a very private, secluded home in the woods, and I work from home. I spend most days naked after she leaves for work. I think I’ve masturbated in every single room in this house. She knows all of that and is OK with it. She knows I am much more sexual than she is and accepts that. She struggles with her own boundaries and the idea that she’s not enough for me. It’s life, and we both love the relationship we have and each other enough that we are OK with it. Yet I still want so much more. I asked her once, hypothetically, if we were to bring a third person into our bedroom for fun, just purely recreational sex, would she prefer another guy or another girl? I’ve said before here that she dodged that question by saying she guessed my preference would be for another guy, so he could peg me. That leads me to wonder if she might be open to that, to accepting my desires and being OK with letting me play with other guys Just to scratch that itch.

I didn’t intend for this to be so long winded, but that’s the situation. The point of this post is to ask how others came out to their wives. I’ve hinted to my wife about some of this, but either too vaguely, or she got the hint but chose not to respond. I want to play with other guys so badly that I’m wanting to know how others have come out to their wives. I don’t like the idea of sneaking around behind her back, that’s probably what’s prevented me from going any further so far. If I just came out and told her, I don’t think it would be the end of our relationship, but she might have a hard time dealing with it, more so because it would add to her feelings of inadequacy that she already struggles with. Or, she may just object to it entirely. I don’t know. Do I hint a little more explicitly? Do I just blurt it out in plain language? Hypothetically, after sex with her, in a sort of “how would you feel if…” way?

I’d love to hear how others did this and how it turned out for you.

 

[BlueChamisa]

Howdy.

First, a question, if I may:

Is she aware of your bi desires?

Feel free to answer here or in a private message. Happy to share my experience.

 

[Kuriousnomore]

I’ve hinted, as I said, perhaps too vaguely, or perhaps she knew what I was hinting and just chose not to respond, for whatever her reasons were. Maybe I ease into it, slightly less vague and see where that gets me?

 

[BlueChamisa]

After a personal tragedy, I sort of “woke up” and saw how trying to be what I thought others expected me to be had been a major contributor to lifelong rage, addiction and depression.

I made a decision to stop hiding, not just sexually, but in many ways. I chose to work on the shame I felt for essential aspects of my being.

It was in that context that I had the conversation with my wife. I explained, calmly, that I wanted to be a better man, and that meant coming clean with myself. And since our connection was so deep, so intimate, so important to me, I wanted to share some true things about myself as part of the process of defanging my shame, anger etc.

I was careful to say that I was not asking for anything, any changes, at that point. I said I did not want to hide (to lie, really) to the most important person in my entire life.

Happy to be more detailed or answer questions.

 

[Britva415]

Usually these "how do I say" questions have an unstated motivation behind them.

Like (not putting words in your mouth, just giving examples)
"How do I say it so that the other person doesn't get mad?" or
"How do I say it so that they'll agree to give me something I want?" or
"How do I say it so that..." some other motivation succeeds.

Because the answer to "how do I say it" is trivially simple. I can't tell what your unstated motivation here is. But the answer to that will have a huge role in determining what to say next and how to say it.

 

[Kuriousnomore]

After a personal tragedy, I sort of “woke up” and saw how trying to be what I thought others expected me to be had been a major contributor to lifelong rage, addiction and depression.

I made a decision to stop hiding, not just sexually, but in many ways. I chose to work on the shame I felt for essential aspects of my being.

It was in that context that I had the conversation with my wife. I explained, calmly, that I wanted to be a better man, and that meant coming clean with myself. And since our connection was so deep, so intimate, so important to me, I wanted to share some true things about myself as part of the process of defanging my shame, anger etc.

I was careful to say that I was not asking for anything, any changes, at that point. I said I did not want to hide (to lie, really) to the most important person in my entire life.

Happy to be more detailed or answer questions.

I’d love to hear more.

 

[Kuriousnomore]

Usually these "how do I say" questions have an unstated motivation behind them.

Like (not putting words in your mouth, just giving examples)
"How do I say it so that the other person doesn't get mad?" or
"How do I say it so that they'll agree to give me something I want?" or
"How do I say it so that..." some other motivation succeeds.

Because the answer to "how do I say it" is trivially simple. I can't tell what your unstated motivation here is. But the answer to that will have a huge role in determining what to say next and how to say it.

True. I guess that’s what I’m really asking without asking it. How do I come out to her without jeopardizing the relationship and so she’ll agree to let me explore these desires and not feel like she’s not enough for me?

 

[BillyWalrus]

True. I guess that’s what I’m really asking without asking it. How do I come out to her without jeopardizing the relationship and so she’ll agree to let me explore these desires and not feel like she’s not enough for me?

Here is the problem. She is not enough for you. If she was enough, you would not need to explore. You can reassure her that you don't want to dump her but I doubt she is going to feel better knowing that you are having other sexual partners.

 

[Kuriousnomore]

Here is the problem. She is not enough for you. If she was enough, you would not need to explore. You can reassure her that you don't want to dump her but I doubt she is going to feel better knowing that you are having other sexual partners.

And that’s the hard part. Is my pleasure worth the pain it could cause her? Or is it plausible that I could somehow explore with her understanding and acceptance.

 

[Kuriousnomore]

So back to my original post, who’s done this and how did it work out for you?

 

[Britva415]

How do I come out to her without jeopardizing the relationship

It's sounding like you want more than to just come out, though.

If all you want to do is just come out, that might not jeopardize the relationship. So, is that a start, for you?

For a lot of us married bisexuals, just being able to be out is enough.

But there's some likelihood that she's going to spout the cliché that bisexual people cannot be monogamous. Are you prepared, are you willing, to challenge that? It's an ugly slur, but in your specific case, is it untrue?

So, if you're prepared for a long game, and to start slow, then, consider just coming out and seeing if that's enough. Without any hidden agenda around pushing the boundary later by seeing if you can see other people extramaritally.

In a year or two, re-assess. How well did it go? Do you need to experiment with a man? Did she turn out to be open minded and accepting enough that she is capable of hearing you at least talk about the idea of it without getting triggered into perceiving a dire threat to your fidelity?

Maybe you could at that time and under those circumstances bring up the idea.

Is my pleasure worth the pain it could cause her?

Well, don't martyr yourself. Is your pain worth her uninformed comfort? Would you unwittingly cause her pain by stewing in your closet? Would you unwittingly cause her pain by becoming resentful over time? Would you cause her own experience of the marriage to suck, by taking it upon yourself to hide the truth and not trust her to share it with you? How long would it take before you both wind up bitter and regretful? With her not even understanding why?

Anyway, it sounds like she's already clued. Her comment about you preferring a man in a 3-way and your desire for him to "peg" you didn't come out of nowhere. My guess is that she wouldn't even be surprised if you just came out.

If I were in the situation you described, the way I'd do this would be to remind her of things she already said, and then to just admit that she was right.

I'm someone who has been out the whole time. I'm also someone who has negotiated an open marriage. Dare to be vulnerable, dare to trust.

 

[BillyWalrus]

And that’s the hard part. Is my pleasure worth the pain it could cause her? Or is it plausible that I could somehow explore with her understanding and acceptance.

That's a tough one.

 

[BillyWalrus]

It's sounding like you want more than to just come out, though.

If all you want to do is just come out, that might not jeopardize the relationship. So, is that a start, for you?

For a lot of us married bisexuals, just being able to be out is enough.

But there's some likelihood that she's going to spout the cliché that bisexual people cannot be monogamous. Are you prepared, are you willing, to challenge that? It's an ugly slur, but in your specific case, is it untrue?

So, if you're prepared for a long game, and to start slow, then, consider just coming out and seeing if that's enough. Without any hidden agenda around pushing the boundary later by seeing if you can see other people extramaritally.

In a year or two, re-assess. How well did it go? Do you need to experiment with a man? Did she turn out to be open minded and accepting enough that she is capable of hearing you at least talk about the idea of it without getting triggered into perceiving a dire threat to your fidelity?

Maybe you could at that time and under those circumstances bring up the idea.


Well, don't martyr yourself. Is your pain worth her uninformed comfort? Would you unwittingly cause her pain by stewing in your closet? Would you unwittingly cause her pain by becoming resentful over time? Would you cause her own experience of the marriage to suck, by taking it upon yourself to hide the truth and not trust her to share it with you? How long would it take before you both wind up bitter and regretful? With her not even understanding why?

Anyway, it sounds like she's already clued. Her comment about you preferring a man in a 3-way and your desire for him to "peg" you didn't come out of nowhere. My guess is that she wouldn't even be surprised if you just came out.

If I were in the situation you described, the way I'd do this would be to remind her of things she already said, and then to just admit that she was right.

I'm someone who has been out the whole time. I'm also someone who has negotiated an open marriage. Dare to be vulnerable, dare to trust.

Really good advice.

 

[Kuriousnomore]

It's sounding like you want more than to just come out, though.

If all you want to do is just come out, that might not jeopardize the relationship. So, is that a start, for you?

For a lot of us married bisexuals, just being able to be out is enough.

But there's some likelihood that she's going to spout the cliché that bisexual people cannot be monogamous. Are you prepared, are you willing, to challenge that? It's an ugly slur, but in your specific case, is it untrue?

So, if you're prepared for a long game, and to start slow, then, consider just coming out and seeing if that's enough. Without any hidden agenda around pushing the boundary later by seeing if you can see other people extramaritally.

In a year or two, re-assess. How well did it go? Do you need to experiment with a man? Did she turn out to be open minded and accepting enough that she is capable of hearing you at least talk about the idea of it without getting triggered into perceiving a dire threat to your fidelity?

Maybe you could at that time and under those circumstances bring up the idea.


Well, don't martyr yourself. Is your pain worth her uninformed comfort? Would you unwittingly cause her pain by stewing in your closet? Would you unwittingly cause her pain by becoming resentful over time? Would you cause her own experience of the marriage to suck, by taking it upon yourself to hide the truth and not trust her to share it with you? How long would it take before you both wind up bitter and regretful? With her not even understanding why?

Anyway, it sounds like she's already clued. Her comment about you preferring a man in a 3-way and your desire for him to "peg" you didn't come out of nowhere. My guess is that she wouldn't even be surprised if you just came out.

If I were in the situation you described, the way I'd do this would be to remind her of things she already said, and then to just admit that she was right.

I'm someone who has been out the whole time. I'm also someone who has negotiated an open marriage. Dare to be vulnerable, dare to trust.

Lots to consider. Thank you.

 

[Kuriousnomore]

It's sounding like you want more than to just come out, though.

If all you want to do is just come out, that might not jeopardize the relationship. So, is that a start, for you?

For a lot of us married bisexuals, just being able to be out is enough.

But there's some likelihood that she's going to spout the cliché that bisexual people cannot be monogamous. Are you prepared, are you willing, to challenge that? It's an ugly slur, but in your specific case, is it untrue?

So, if you're prepared for a long game, and to start slow, then, consider just coming out and seeing if that's enough. Without any hidden agenda around pushing the boundary later by seeing if you can see other people extramaritally.

In a year or two, re-assess. How well did it go? Do you need to experiment with a man? Did she turn out to be open minded and accepting enough that she is capable of hearing you at least talk about the idea of it without getting triggered into perceiving a dire threat to your fidelity?

Maybe you could at that time and under those circumstances bring up the idea.


Well, don't martyr yourself. Is your pain worth her uninformed comfort? Would you unwittingly cause her pain by stewing in your closet? Would you unwittingly cause her pain by becoming resentful over time? Would you cause her own experience of the marriage to suck, by taking it upon yourself to hide the truth and not trust her to share it with you? How long would it take before you both wind up bitter and regretful? With her not even understanding why?

Anyway, it sounds like she's already clued. Her comment about you preferring a man in a 3-way and your desire for him to "peg" you didn't come out of nowhere. My guess is that she wouldn't even be surprised if you just came out.

If I were in the situation you described, the way I'd do this would be to remind her of things she already said, and then to just admit that she was right.

I'm someone who has been out the whole time. I'm also someone who has negotiated an open marriage. Dare to be vulnerable, dare to trust.

Not sure I’m prepared for the long game. I’ve had these desires for several years already, longer than I’ve known my wife. In a perfect world I want her to know and be OK with me pursuing them now. No easy answers.

 

[Kuriousnomore]

Not sure I’m prepared for the long game. I’ve had these desires for several years already, longer than I’ve known my wife. In a perfect world I want her to know and be OK with me pursuing them now. No easy answers.

I guess all of this is still new enough to me that I’m not differentiating between coming out to my wife and being an active bi-sexual, if that makes sense. Yeah, Why tell her about all these thoughts if I’m not gonna go out and practice them? I’ve told her plainly that I want to be fucked in the ass, preferably by her and a strap on, but the urge, the craving is definitely there whether she helps out or not. I haven’t talked about anything else, but that sounded pretty explicit to me. I get it, that if she’s pegging me, that’s not exactly a bisexual activity, but, but what? I’ve told her how much I enjoy her infrequent hand jobs, and even less frequent blowjobs. She’s not stupid, but I’m wondering if I need to spell it out even more plainly? If she’s not gonna do some of these things, my desire to find someone who will is still definitely there.

 

[Britva415]

I get it, that if she’s pegging me, that’s not exactly a bisexual activity, but, but what?

Maybe I read it wrong when she said you would want a guy to "peg" you. Could she be that unsuspecting?

 

[BlueChamisa]

I guess all of this is still new enough to me that I’m not differentiating between coming out to my wife and being an active bi-sexual, if that makes sense. Yeah, Why tell her about all these thoughts if I’m not gonna go out and practice them? I’ve told her plainly that I want to be fucked in the ass, preferably by her and a strap on, but the urge, the craving is definitely there whether she helps out or not. I haven’t talked about anything else, but that sounded pretty explicit to me. I get it, that if she’s pegging me, that’s not exactly a bisexual activity, but, but what? I’ve told her how much I enjoy her infrequent hand jobs, and even less frequent blowjobs. She’s not stupid, but I’m wondering if I need to spell it out even more plainly? If she’s not gonna do some of these things, my desire to find someone who will is still definitely there.

As mentioned above, I recognized that my long suppression of who I am, not just sexually, was influencing my well-being, and how I walked in the world.

For that reason, I chose to be open with myself, and it seemed only right that I would be open with the love of my life and partner of many decades.

The question of acting on my sexual desires was secondary at least at the beginning. To me, a decent and compassionate human being should eventually be able to hear that their partner is simply being honest about who they are, and it is not a personal attack or about any shortcoming on their part

Of course, one should be prepared for shock and potential upset. For that reason, I left the question acting on my desires for another time, should I feel comfortable expressing that.

It may sound a bit harsh, but when one has been married to their beloved person for years or even decades, it seems immature and unskillful to demand that you not be and accept your full self.

My wife did say some very hurtful things, inappropriate things, when she return to her fear place around this subject. I maintained my equanimity and rather than react, kept my cool and did my best to be loving and empathetic.

However, had she made consistently clear that she did not accept me as I was, I would have taken that as a sign that she was more focused on her perceived victimhood, then on simply seeing who I was.

Had that been the case, I would have recognized that I could not stay in a marriage with a partner who demanded I not be true to myself. In other words, if I hadn’t requested to act on my desires yet, and she chose to believe that nearly 30 years of marriage, commitment, devotion, and love could be erased by her simply learning something new about me, then our marriage was no longer viable. It would have shown that her thoughts and feelings and ego were more important than I.

As I say, she struggled often on for a couple of years. However, between episodes based on fear and insecurity, she showed her true qualities and sought to love and understand me.

 

[BlueChamisa]

P.S. If I were to write wedding vows today, I would include something about each partner recognizing that they will change, and their partner will change, throughout life, and vowing to be kind and compassionate to one another when change inevitably occurs.

 

[SloanePlanet66]

Good evening all, I would just like to say thank you for some wonderful comments.
Be lucky......

 

[Kuriousnomore]

Maybe I read it wrong when she said you would want a guy to "peg" you. Could she be that unsuspecting?

She is pretty naïve, sexually speaking, either that or too shy, embarrassed, or something, to acknowledge what I’m saying.

 

[liz33nd]

Before she pegged you next time, ask her to let you suck on it to a little to lube it up. Then suggest wonder what a real cock tastes like.

 

[Burstplayer]

Feel free to DM me if you like, just went through it and pretty similar situation to yours...

 

[artgorden]

Watch porn with her and say "nice dick" a lot.

 

[bill3901]

Watch porn with her and say "nice dick" a lot.aedi daba otn staht

thats not a bad idea seriously