Are most bi married men in the closet?

[liqueur]

Most Bi men are really gay but live behind a façade because of all the social stigma

That is such total bullshit. If a man is attracted to both men and women, he is bi. Period. It's no business of yours to try to tell him who he's “really” attracted to. That particular form of gatekeeping has been debunked for about 25 years.

 

[Speedoguy1]

It may be bullshit to you, but I’m sure that there’s 50% or more of the cocksuckers who would disagree with you. But you know what everybody’s entitled to their own views and it’s definitely an acquired. Taste that once you begin, it never goes away.

 

[Speedoguy1]

Exactly dead beds might actually lead us to being gay. In my case, I probably knew since about age 13. So I possibly was responsible for the dead bed for not understanding why was or trying to hide it

 

[BBCfan]

That is such total bullshit. If a man is attracted to both men and women, he is bi. Period. It's no business of yours to try to tell him who he's “really” attracted to. That particular form of gatekeeping has been debunked for about 25 years.

It's fascinating how people in a supposedly open-minded community can only relate to their experience and expect everyone else to be wired the same.

There's a million reasons you might be wired bi, or as a straight cocksucker, or whatever version you want to identify as that's not a 100% gay or a 100% hetero. We're definitely the most judged community in the alphabet squad.
Most guys are likely in the closet because they're worried about being judged and accepted for not fitting in one "camp" perfectly. I know for me it took a long time to understand my wiring, So how can you really be comfortable with yourself to come "out", or maybe you don't understand why you are wired "different". More recent studies on brain psychology and fetishistic wiring can help a lot of guys understand better.

Even though I'm totally at peace with it now, The only person that matters I be honest to is my wife. Other than that, I'm gonna stay in the closet where it's safe, away from all the judgemental looney tunes like you see out here.

 

[BiCanuckGuy]

I’m 51, and out to a small select group of people. Both of my ex wives know, although we didn’t get to enjoy MMF together, and I’m out to a handful of other women, most of whom I’ve had some form of sexual relationship, and of course my male hookups. My current partner also knows, but she’s made it quite clear that she’s not interested in exploring it, which is disappointing, but she’s an amazing partner in every other aspect of life.

 

[misterb64]

Same here. I’ve been thinking more and more about telling her. Sometimes I think it’s an unfair assumption that she’ll react poorly, but given some of my other sexual predilections that I’ve shared with her, I just don’t want to bother with another disappointment.

Oh god, this is me exactly! It's sad to know you're not free to fully share yourself with the one person who's supposed to love you unconditionally.

 

[Biguy77578]

Nice I think if I ever dated again I would tell the new women a lot more things I wanted to try ! And hopefully she would be on board you have perfect situation biguy

Before we married we both told each other everything sexual we had done and tried any and everything we could think of.

 

[BlueChamisa]

I have great sympathy and compassion for any person, male or female, who feels they must keep their true sexual desires and sexuality secret.

Why? Because American society, at least, is deeply anti-sex and prudish, likely a vestige of the nation's founding by religious fanatics.

Because of that, it can be perilous to be out and honest, especially for bisexual males, in my opinion. As all of us here surely know, a woman can go down on 50 women and it's "hot" and she's not stigmatized or even necessarily labeled for it (except, perhaps, by religious fanatics).

I have found that if anything, partnered/married women may be the most antagonistic demographic when it comes to bisexual men, no doubt because they are projecting their own insecurities and fears.

So it makes perfect sense to me that so many (so very many) married men feel the only safe approach is to keep their sexuality secret.

I did that for the first 24 years of my marriage. I knew by age 19 that I had some bi desires (sexually; I am heteroromantic), which I handled in private, in fantasy and masturbation.

But in 2021, after an intensely traumatic episode — a female affair partner died in a horrific, alcohol-related accident — I woke up. I realized that keeping secrets and desperately trying to suppress true aspects of my deepest self was destroying my life.

(And not suppressing my sexuality, but many non-sexual aspects of my true self. For example, I used to be afraid to wear anything but the "man" colors of black, brown, gray, navy, and if I was feelin' a wee bit queer, maybe maroon or forest green, even though I've always loved every color, and decided to wear whatever I wanted and stop worrying about what some person might think).

I've done a ton of personal work, therapy and meditation, and I'm very proud of how that has helped me become a better man. Using my well-honed communication skills, I sat down with my wife to tell her a) I am bisexual, b) I am not naturally monogamous and c) I wasn't asking for any changes, though I might make requests in the future.

She did not take it well. She put words in my mouth, attributed motivations and desires to me that I did not have ... she was, in short, in a disregulated state, acting from fear.

I wish I could say that stage ended quickly, but it did not. Again, only when disregulated, she said truly horrific things to me, deeply homophobic, misguided, cruel things.

I am proud to say that I never reacted with anger, lashing out, blaming, or anything. I hated having my sexuality put under the microscope all the time (especially since she has been with many women, and still enjoys that), but I kept my cool.

More than four years later, patience, compassion, self-control, manifest love and attention, and more have brought us to a place where she accepts both my sexuality and non-monogamous nature.

She can still, on rare occasions, become insecure, but it just gets better and better. Indeed, she surprises me regularly with mini-quantum leaps. For example, she called me a "cocksucker" in bed a few nights ago, and shared a fantasy of having her new gay friend come over and "fuck us both" (that's really interesting, because that's the exact subject of my Lit story "The Morsel," which she helped edit and make more realistic from her point of view. Find it here if interested).

Now, my wife was very sexually liberated to start with. Even though she became more conservative after marriage, I fully understand that not all wives are going to be as open-minded, accepting and ultimately willing.

The result, beyond the fact that we are now happily non-monogamous, is that I'm a happier, better, less stressed man. I fully believe that my constant effort to suppress/repress who I am made me angry, prone to rage, an addict and contributed to my depression.

I feel fortunate — and proud that I found the courage to stand up for myself.

 

[BlueChamisa]

It may be bullshit to you, but I’m sure that there’s 50% or more of the cocksuckers who would disagree with you. But you know what everybody’s entitled to their own views and it’s definitely an acquired. Taste that once you begin, it never goes away.

The problem is that you are talking through your hat, making wild-ass guesses and acting as if your speculation is the truth or damned close to it.

First, you promulgate a very old, widely debunked myth that bi men get from both straight and gay people: A woman can eat all the pussy she wants, and it's simply "hot"; but if a man sucks one cock, he's "gay."

Poppycock. Ask the men replying to this post, for starters. Many may well be gay, but as far as I can tell, they'll happily own that. You pretend to be able to read minds, as if you, with your super-special gaydar or whatever it is, know better than bi men — know better than I — what our sexual orientation is.

In my case (and it's just one of 31 million different favors of male bisexuality), I love women, am only really attracted to women (when I go to the beach, my eye is drawn exclusively to women and girls, though of course I am comfortable acknowledging when I find a man attractive), have incredible sex with my wife (and others, for the past year) ... and I love to get naked with men, especially to suck cock or play a dom/top for another cocksucker. I want to be fucked in the ass, but hasn't happened yet (my wife is interested in seeing that happen).

I knew at age 19 that I was aroused by the thought of sucking cock. But to pretend that negates the dominant part of my sexuality (hetero) is, well, ridiculous. And arrogant.

Maybe just believe men when they tell you what they are.

 

[perturbedmusic]

Oh god, this is me exactly! It's sad to know you're not free to fully share yourself with the one person who's supposed to love you unconditionally.

I agree. I’m not sure why so many women are so sexually immature. From my experience, there are very few people that love unconditionally. I hope things change for you and you’re able to share that part of you with your wife.

 

[BiGuy999]

Before we married we both told each other everything sexual we had done and tried any and everything we could think of.

We did pretty much the same. We used a version of the 'purity test' with something like 2000 questions. We ticked off all the things we had done and marked all the things we wanted to do. By the time we left college all the want to do items were ticked off too.

I think that served us well. Certainly there was nothing she didn't know about my sexuality and kinks by the time we'd finished the list so there haven't been any surprises along the way.

 

[BlueChamisa]

Oh god, this is me exactly! It's sad to know you're not free to fully share yourself with the one person who's supposed to love you unconditionally.

Truly unconditional love is surely a rarity. However, I find it curious that some people place a higher priority on their insecurities and fears than on the genuine desires of their partner. Compersion, aka

 

[twofortee67]

I was closet with my ex but when I told her she gave me the best sex ever. It was like a week later she had a guy lined up for me to play with. I got to lick his cock and ass. She watched and showed me tips it was awesome.

 

[Biguy77578]

We did pretty much the same. We used a version of the 'purity test' with something like 2000 questions. We ticked off all the things we had done and marked all the things we wanted to do. By the time we left college all the want to do items were ticked off too.

I think that served us well. Certainly there was nothing she didn't know about my sexuality and kinks by the time we'd finished the list so there haven't been any surprises along the way.

That's awsome. I haven't heard of the Purity Test. I will look it up.

 

[twofortee67]

That's awsome. I haven't heard of the Purity Test. I will look it up.

Only way to do it!

 

[RoanMtn]

I'm a firmly in the closet sissy. I just need a bigger closet, lol.

 

[TrailerHitch]

I'm a bi married man who has to hide his sexuality from his wife. How do others deal with this situation?

We don't hide a thing from each other. We have an ethical non-monogamous relationship where we are free to explore our sexuality. We know what each other is doing and who we are seeing. I know some guys get off on the danger of sneaking around but I see it as a dangerous, unnecessary, complication.

 

[CD_Bree]

To me, it depends on your original agreement of monogamy at the time of marriage. I know this sounds like traditional horseshit, but it's the truth. Did you lead a double life? For me I led the straight life for quite some time. She knew I had some fun with a man years ago and it wasn't embellished upon. Here comes the internet and the bi side is back. She knows I am a crossdresser and has more than accepted it! It blew her away when I confessed, I was walking on egg shells for several days. She asked me if I wanted to transition. I said no. We left the sexual bi side alone. It's best kept kept to myself. If I have an interaction with another man, I'm not going to throw that in her face. Even she may suspect it! Why ruin a good thing.

 

[BiGuy999]

That's awsome. I haven't heard of the Purity Test. I will look it up.

There are lots of different versions. I think the original only had 200 questions way back when. By the time it hit 2000 there wasn't much it didn't cover. Wish I'd saved our copy with all the items checked off.

 

[BiCuriousWriter]

To me, it depends on your original agreement of monogamy at the time of marriage. I know this sounds like traditional horseshit, but it's the truth. Did you lead a double life? For me I led the straight life for quite some time. She knew I had some fun with a man years ago and it wasn't embellished upon. Here comes the internet and the bi side is back. She knows I am a crossdresser and has more than accepted it! It blew her away when I confessed, I was walking on egg shells for several days. She asked me if I wanted to transition. I said no. We left the sexual bi side alone. It's best kept kept to myself. If I have an interaction with another man, I'm not going to throw that in her face. Even she may suspect it! Why ruin a good thing.

Exactly. It's all about the communication, or understanding that there is no talk about it.

 

[BInowGay]

I'm a firmly in the closet sissy. I just need a bigger closet, lol.

As long as there is room for three it's big enough

 

[Biguy77578]

There are lots of different versions. I think the original only had 200 questions way back when. By the time it hit 2000 there wasn't much it didn't cover. Wish I'd saved our copy with all the items checked off.

I did find one. It only had only 50 questions but I t was hilarious. Questions like "have you ever kissed a person of the same sex", "have you ever had anal sex", "have you ever had oral sex".
Out of 50 questions I may have not answered yes on 15 of them.

 

[BBCfan]

Truly unconditional love is surely a rarity. However, I find it curious that some people place a higher priority on their insecurities and fears than on the genuine desires of their partner. Compersion, aka

Unconditional love.is one of those phrases that can never be taken literally I think, as it's an impossibility in any relationship. To be completely unconditional, everyone has a line that can be crossed and Has conditions in that relationship whether they were expressed, Healthily or not.

So that is an interesting point. Something I wondered about lately as I've only really heard about the word compersion in the last few years, and understandably so I guess, as it's only been around since the 90s.

But I kind of understand if someone didn't sign up for something and it's thrown on them years later. I would hope I have to understand. I wouldn't really consider them selfish. Everybody has those lines, and sometimes We don't even know we have them until they have to be crossed.

Over the years, Although being honest with my partners, I’d usually say I have pretty casual experiences. Never sex. I didn't usually tell them I was wanting to be the only one on my knees.

There were always insecurities they wouldn't see me as the same alpha guy that loves to Fu*k. I had one that liked to watch and then I would bang her after and she would get super off on talking about it.
But that was when I had just started experimenting again and I became insecure even with her eventually..

Wasn't really until my now partner and events kind of forced me to be completely honest and open, And you know what? I didn't lose her. But in doing so my Fetishistic Desires became entwined with her and some of her experiences, and so now I feel a compersion thrill that’s completely new and very surprising. All with the idea of her performing in front of Me.

I was in an open relationship for a few years and although. It didn't bother me, I certainly didn't get excited by her experiences in the same way as the idea now. But In a way my new compersion kink is a bit selfish of me, To want to put my kink of her doing something, maybe that's not at all what she's turned on by.

But interestingly and Luckily, she seems to enjoy it after initially not really understanding it or being interested, once she opened her mind through a lot of open sharing.

She opened her mind up to at least in fantasy play, adding to our sexual repertoire of sex play. I think it was something that needed to be heightened in our relationship, and now her finding the empowerment to kind of control my excitement through my compersion desires has added an element she surprisingly seems to REALLY enjoy.

Now what used to be my Closet desires, The closet's Maybe not completely gone, but certainly a bit more organized and comfortable to be in., as there's not even near the thrill of me doing an act by myself compared to the excitement I have with the ideas and sharing with my partner.

 

[Britva415]

To me, it depends on your original agreement of monogamy at the time of marriage

Do you not think a couple can re-define that?

 

[CD_Bree]

Do you not think a couple can re-define that?

Absolutely, it just depends if they end up with the same point of view.