Looking for feedback -- all thoughts are welcome

[beerlovr88]

Last time I asked for feedback here I received an onslaught of unrelenting criticism, with comments ranging from "unreadable" to "turgid and lifeless", to the point where I genuinely wonder if I don't hold some type of record here for most derided and universally panned story. Ultimately the common theme was that the story had too much superficial fluff and not enough spice; I was far too ambitious with a plot that simply wasn't worth investing in. I gave smut a break and went back to reading novels. I grew bored of English so I taught myself how to read Spanish, and then French, and then German. As I tried speaking with natives in these languages it became obvious that I had a significant gap in my learning that I wasn't going to acquire from formal reading. So strictly for educational purposes, I started reading smut to get a better idea of the slang, how vulgarities were expressed and for practice with recognizing when the grammar or spelling wasn't perfect.

Inspired by the German, French and Spanish stories I read, curious to see if my newfound multilingualism would help with writing and keeping in mind the feedback I received previously, I finally submitted a new story:

https://www.literotica.com/s/under-hypnosis

Any and all feedback -- even negative -- is more than welcome. For an example, I didn't give my characters names or go into much detail regarding their physical appearances and wasn't sure how that would affect the readthrough. Also, from public groping to group sex, I have a lot of ideas for a potential sequel so I'm genuinely curious to see if anyone here thinks the first part here has any potential.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

OK.

We don't get any sense of your protagonist, and your villain/lover? character is deliberately (I assume) enigmatic. Does your main character even have a name? Did you deliberately create a featureless, nameless character to be the focus of the story? Neither the college student nor the hypnotist (nor the receptionist) has a name or face. (The receptionist disappears after the hypnotist walks on stage and never returns.)

Does the image below make you think you might be overusing the word "she" just a bit?



I'm not trying to be hyper-critical, but that was my reaction. By itself, it isn't a story, in my opinion. It's just a couple of events. What's the through-line?

--Annie

 

[darwin1859]

Does the image below make you think you might be overusing the word "she" just a bit?

--Annie

I agree with your other comments but how/why would OP avoid using pronouns? Genuinely interested in an elaboration.

 

[darwin1859]

@beerlovr88 what feedback do you want? Your story is well written. I thought the buildup to the sex was somewhat more boring than suspenseful or arousing. I'd have cut some of his soliloquying unless it drives a plot point (which it didn't in this short intro). There was also a lot of mystery that was not resolved in this piece, and that feeling in a reader is disappointing.At times this story felt more like mind control than R/NC.

TBH I wondered about stuff like, what's a bikini style top? why does she own one if she's embarrassed to wear it? why would it be sizes too small? why are we told she brushed her teeth? how does this guy support himself if he gives away free sessions and never has any other patients? etc

I agree with Annie that the characters seemed generic, which hampers your story on a couple levels... It makes it harder to care about the characters, makes my visualization on the scenes fuzzy, etc.

While I feel like I cannot reach a firm conclusion based on this short intro, you're either going to need a ton of kinky sex/eroticism or more of a plot in the next part to keep my interest. This story is quirky, but that would be nothing if it had hooks.

Also, I'm inclined to skip stories without tags. That's a mistake.

About the sex, I feel like everyone has different kinks, but I didn't find it super hot. He drooled of her tits? Yuck. He has a dick so big it hurts her? Yawn and eww. Power dynamics and sexual humiliation are sexy and I'd give you a 3/5 on that. I liked her arousal and reluctance, but how was he pinning her arms to "the side"? I liked how she reluctantly blew him, but since when did orgasms make anyone sore? I think you mean fucking, but i think his dick would need to be ridiculously enormous to leave her sore if she were well lubricated. in the BJ scene, I would have focused a bit more on supportive descriptions, like how his dick tasted. And I would have told the reader how good it felt from his pov, rather than focusing solely on how hard it was for her.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

I agree with your other comments but how/why would OP avoid using pronouns? Genuinely interested in an elaboration.

By phrasing it differently? That would be easier if the character had a name, of course.

She looked at the flyer and then again at the door, double checking the address. The flyer was clear: 3 free wellness coach sessions. It was such a relief to get the advertisement. As a 19-year-old college student, she wouldn't be able to afford those sessions if they weren't free. She took a deep breath and nervously entered the door, not really knowing what to expect.

That turns five uses of "she" into three. Just off the top of my head.

Or you could just say "the girl" or "the subject[of hypnosis]" or turn it around so she's the object of the sentence and use "her". Or be subjective and just describe her experience: "The seemed to be warmer now, and as the man spoke, her eyes gradually drifted down and blotted out the world."

Looking at those first few sentences for a second time, it seems odd to me that she checks the address, but then she thinks about something else: that the flyer offers free wellness sessions. Maybe it's meant to show how scattered her thoughts are?

--Annie

 

[darwin1859]

By phrasing it differently? That would be easier if the character had a name, of course.



That turns five uses of "she" into three. Just off the top of my head.

Or you could just say "the girl" or "the subject[of hypnosis]" or turn it around so she's the object of the sentence and use "her". Or be subjective and just describe her experience: "The seemed to be warmer now, and as the man spoke, her eyes gradually drifted down and blotted out the world."

Looking at those first few sentences for a second time, it seems odd to me that she checks the address, but then she thinks about something else: that the flyer offers free wellness sessions. Maybe it's meant to show how scattered her thoughts are?

--Annie

Thanks. I, personally, prefer lots of short sentences. Each of those sentences needs a subject and possibly an object... I don't prefer your suggested edits (not online... maybe in print). And I prefer dialog tags, as opposed to omitting them. I also wasn't bothered by the use of pronouns.

Maybe this issue was exacerbated because this story had a lot of repetitive writing. I recall wondering if AI helped write it. Or if it was a stylism that I wasn't groking (or appreciating).

OP could avoid a few pronouns by turning narration into dialog. I do, usually strongly, prefer dialog over narration.

Agree completely about the name. I would have used her name initially and occasionally thereafter... The poor reader is fucked if another "she" shows up. So no threesomes here...

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Agree completely about the name. I would have used her name initially and occasionally thereafter... The poor reader is fucked if another "she" shows up. So no threesomes here...

I think @beerlovr88 was trying for some kind of effect by keeping the characters featureless except for gender, but I'm not grokking it in this short piece.

--Annie

 

[beerlovr88]

I'm not trying to be hyper-critical, but that was my reaction. By itself, it isn't a story, in my opinion. It's just a couple of events. What's the through-line?

--Ann

That's a good point; I think it shows that I really didn't know how to start the story so I sort of just took the plunge and went with it. Cleary I wasn't counting or notating the use of "she" and could have explored other options. Even outside of giving a name or rephrasing the sentences, I could have mentioned young woman, girl, college student, etc.

You also asked if my main character even had a name, and this question was actually addressed in the original post: "I didn't give my characters names or go into much detail regarding their physical appearances and wasn't sure how that would affect the readthrough."

At the time I was sort of was thinking I'd leave the characters purposefully ambiguous and would go into more detail regarding their names and backgrounds with the sequel, with this chapter serving more as a base line introduction for how the characters met and ended up with each other. I was also aware that the receptionist disappeared completely, as if they were only needed to help the protagonist get in the door and after fulfilling that function, were no longer needed. I was worried mentioning them again would disrupt the flow or rhythm of the ensuing events, but in any case, I definitely could have given them a more distinguished role.

In any event, appreciate everyone who took the time to comment.

 

[StillStunned]

Without having read your story...

You also asked if my main character even had a name, and this question was actually addressed in the original post: "I didn't give my characters names or go into much detail regarding their physical appearances and wasn't sure how that would affect the readthrough."

It's quite possible to write a story without naming any of the characters, as long as you have some way to identify them. Readers need something as a point of reference. Or if the story is short and focused. 1P POV with only a few other characters who can be easily kept apart can work very well without names.

I was also aware that the receptionist disappeared completely, as if they were only needed to help the protagonist get in the door and after fulfilling that function, were no longer needed. I was worried mentioning them again would disrupt the flow or rhythm of the ensuing events, but in any case, I definitely could have given them a more distinguished role.

There's a rule in writing called Chekov's Gun: if there's a gun hanging over the fireplace in Act 1, it has to be fired by Act 3. Basically, it means that every named element in a story (or play, in Chekov's case) serves a purpose. You don't have to take it literally: for example, if you mention a receptionist they don't need to actually play an active role. But they can serve as an anchor for successive scenes.

Reusing mentioned elements in a fixed sequence establishes a pattern in the reader's mind. At the most basic level, you get things like Goldilocks: the porridge is too hot, too cold, just right; the bed is too small, too large, just right. And so on. But (taking my own story about repeated therapy sessions as an example) it works just as well with walking past the security guard, taking the lift upstairs, being met by the therapist's assistant, walking down the corridor to her offices, sitting and being handed a glass of water, etc.

This kind of thing helps the reader to focus and anticipate: we've been here before, but this time more is going to happen, and the third time will be the climax. Handled properly, the "background" becomes a powerful tool for the writer to hold the reader's attention.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

You also asked if my main character even had a name, and this question was actually addressed in the original post: "I didn't give my characters names or go into much detail regarding their physical appearances and wasn't sure how that would affect the readthrough."

That is a very fair point. I think that even if I remembered that, I would have commented.

Stories are about people. In my strong opinion, it's easier to hold the reader's attention if your people can be told apart from other people. If someone's only characteristics are "teenager in college", well ....

You could explain why she's stressed by talking about how college is so different from high school, and she comes from a big city but it's a rural ag school and the culture is different and she doesn't know anyone and she lives in a four-person dorm room and can't even masturbate ....

Not that exact person, of course, but some set of details you make up.

--Annie (and why did you remove the -ie from my name)

 

[beerlovr88]

You could explain why she's stressed by talking about how college is so different from high school, and she comes from a big city but it's a rural ag school and the culture is different and she doesn't know anyone and she lives in a four-person dorm room and can't even masturbate ....

Not that exact person, of course, but some set of details you make up.

--Annie (and why did you remove the -ie from my name)

My goodness! I must admit that I never even considered including information like that -- this whole time I was thinking that the primary focus should be on what she's wearing and that too many details outside of that might bore readers and derail from the general flow of events taking place.

Nonetheless it's still an interesting take, and it makes sense to include this background in the sequel as now that the characters are connected she'll certainly feel the need to tell him all about the horrors of dorm life and moving into a big city without knowing anyone.

The 'ie' from your name was removed inadvertently -- was trying to quote your post without the screenshot and I guess the letters were removed without me realizing.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

The 'ie' from your name was removed inadvertently -- was trying to quote your post without the screenshot and I guess the letters were removed without me realizing.

I hope it was clear that I am not upset.

On a PC browser, clicking "Reply" automatically quotes the message you're replying to, and "Quote" lets you quote several people in a single reply.

--AnnIE

 

[TheWritingGroup]

I feel like adding: I am not saying to write it my way. I'm saying what this one reader would like to see. I'm not a writing coach, and I'm certainly not your editor!

--Annie

 

[nice90sguy]

There's a rule in writing called Chekov's Gun: if there's a gun hanging over the fireplace in Act 1, it has to be fired by Act 3. Basically, it means that every named element in a story (or play, in Chekov's case) serves a purpose.

A great rule to follow for most fiction. I often fail to apply it myself, unfortunately . At worst, failing to follow it can mislead the reader. For example , if in the story we find that the guy has handcuffs in his drawer, the reader expects him to either use them, or behave like a guy who keeps handcuffs in his drawer.

 

[darwin1859]

You also asked if my main character even had a name, and this question was actually addressed in the original post: "I didn't give my characters names or go into much detail regarding their physical appearances and wasn't sure how that would affect the readthrough."

At the time I was sort of was thinking I'd leave the characters purposefully ambiguous and would go into more detail regarding their names and backgrounds with the sequel, with this chapter serving more as a base line introduction for how the characters met and ended up with each other.

I also missed this because I didn't read most of your garrulous post. That was your fault for being garrulous and for burying the lede.

I would fully acknowledge that I have the attention span of a mayfly, except that's selling mayflies short. I think my hair trigger for moving on is not unusual.

Anyway, you did, at least, name the doctor. He was clearly Dr Beerlovr88. That was patently obvious. I then also made some assumptions about why the fictional Dr Beerlovr88 might have a giant horse cock and my hypothetical conclusions were not flattering to the actual Dr Breelovr88. If that's not the effect you were going for, then I suggest that you give the reader some other reason why that detail was in the story (or omit that kind of detail). Or, you know... watch less porn. [I know, I know.. not that...]

My two posts on this thread have given you a lot of criticism, but a glance at your prior story shows that your writing is clearly improving. And I'd honestly like to see what you have in mind for part 2 of this story. As of right now, your mean rating is good (~4.3) and I think if such things matter to you, you could be seeing >= 4.5's with a little effort.