Stories sent back "Dialogue"

[EmilyMiller]

DJ hopes this will help and will now stop referring to himself in 3rd person.

I know a good therapist, hun.

 

[Djmac1031]

I know a good therapist, hun.

Hey, you don't have to be crazy to post in this forum, but it certainly helps.

 

[StillStunned]

Hey, you don't have to be crazy to post in this forum, but it certainly helps.

You don't have to be crazy to post here. It will happen sooner or later anyway.

 

[NuclearFairy]

How would you guys untangle this paragraph?

So when one of the older ladies called out a cheerful, “Hey!” he jumped with a guilty start and stammered out a hurried explanation as he yanked his gaze up to their curious faces, “I’m s-sorry. I d-didn’t mean to interrupt, I just got lost and st-stumbled upon you guys.”

 

[FrancesScott]

How would you guys untangle this paragraph?

One of the older ladies called out a cheerful, “Hey!”

He jumped with a guilty start, and yanked his gaze up to their curious faces. “I’m s-sorry. I d-didn’t mean to interrupt, I just got lost and st-stumbled upon you guys,” he stammered in hurried explanation,

 

[TheLobster]

How would you guys untangle this paragraph?

If you want to preserve this yarn-spinning flow of the narration, here’s one option:

So when one of the older ladies called out a cheerful, “Hey!” he jumped with a guilty start and stammered out a hurried explanation as he yanked his gaze up to their curious faces.

“I’m s-sorry,” he said, “I d-didn’t mean to interrupt, I just got lost and st-stumbled upon you guys.”

Otherwise, what @FrancesScott suggested works as well, turning the passage into more of a standalone scene.

 

[StillStunned]

How would you guys untangle this paragraph?

Another possibility:

"Hey!"

The cheerful greeting woke him from his reverie. Yanking his gaze up with a guilty start, he saw that one of the older ladies was smiling at him. “I’m s-sorry," he stammered. "I d-didn’t mean to interrupt, I just got lost and st-stumbled upon you guys.”

Or something like that.

 

[FrancesScott]

How would you guys untangle this paragraph?

However you fix it, the “Hey” and the other dialogue need to be in different paragraphs as they are different speakers.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

The punctuation is wrong, from what I can judge.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

So when one of the older ladies called out a cheerful “Hey!”, he jumped with a guilty start and stammered out a hurried explanation as he yanked his gaze up to their curious faces.

“I’m s-sorry,” he said. “I d-didn’t mean to interrupt, I just got lost and st-stumbled upon you guys.”

The same as what Lobster suggested, but changing a few commas.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

Is there a reason for the stuttering, stammering?

 

[ElectricBlue]

How would you guys untangle this paragraph?

Lose the 'So when' and the 'just' (they're lazy words, adding nothing) and edit most of the action out of the first sentence. There's too much going on, and the repeated stuttering is overdoing his nervousness. Pare it right back to point of the sequence - what's the most important thing going on? I reckon you've got far too much filler.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

We may need a bit more context about the scene also. Sometimes fumbling dialog can work.

Did he get caught jerking off into their shoes?

Or watching them sunbathing?

 

[SimonDoom]

How would you guys untangle this paragraph?

One of the older ladies cheerfully called, "Hey!"

He jumped with a guilty start. "I'm s=sorry. I di-didn't mean to interrupt. I just got lost and st-stumbled upon you guys."


I generally like to split dialogue of two parties into two paragraphs.

You don't need to write "stammered out a hurried explanation" because it's redundant. We know that's what he's doing from the dialogue.

 

[NuclearFairy]

Is there a reason for the stuttering, stammering?

Some people stammer when they're stressed. A few people stammer all the time.

 

[NuclearFairy]

Lose the 'So when' and the 'just' (they're lazy words, adding nothing) and edit most of the action out of the first sentence. There's too much going on, and the repeated stuttering is overdoing his nervousness. Pare it right back to point of the sequence - what's the most important thing going on? I reckon you've got far too much filler.

Yeah, those're some of my SO's favorite words to kill when he's editing for me. Especially when they show up at the beginning of a paragraph... I'm getting better I swear. XD

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

Some people stammer when they're stressed. A few people stammer all the time.

Which is why I asked for more background.

 

[NuclearFairy]

Which is why I asked for more background.

He got lost in the woods and stumbled upon a troop of women dancing, and then he felt guilty when they noticed him because he'd spent the whole time there watching without alerting them to his presence.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

I just had a story sent back for incorrectly formatted dialog. This confused me, because I actually know how to do that.

Staring at the story in the Edit window, I suddenly realized: I used the Tahitian word 'ahima'a in the story (which takes place in the South Pacific). I suspect a quickly-checking Laurel thought that was bad quoting. In fact, in Polynesian languages that apostrophe is pronounced. It's a glottal stop.

https://www.tahititourisme.com/participate-at-an-ahimaa/
https://historichawaii.org/article/hawaiian-diacritical-marks/

It could have been another Polynesian word, of course, but I used that one the most.

I resubmitted with an explanation in the administration comments blank.

What do you think? Should I have italicized all the Polynesian words to make it clearer to @Laurel that it wasn't incorrect quoting?

--Annie

 

[lovecraft68]

I just had a story sent back for incorrectly formatted dialog. This confused me, because I actually know how to do that.

Staring at the story in the Edit window, I suddenly realized: I used the Tahitian word 'ahima'a in the story (which takes place in the South Pacific). I suspect a quickly-checking Laurel thought that was bad quoting. In fact, in Polynesian languages that apostrophe is pronounced. It's a glottal stop.

https://www.tahititourisme.com/participate-at-an-ahimaa/
https://historichawaii.org/article/hawaiian-diacritical-marks/

It could have been another Polynesian word, of course, but I used that one the most.

I resubmitted with an explanation in the administration comments blank.

What do you think? Should I have italicized all the Polynesian words to make it clearer to @Laurel that it wasn't incorrect quoting?

--Annie

It will never fail to make me shake my head that something like your example can get a story booted, but flat-out rape stories along with underaged can just fly on through so frequently.

 

[StillStunned]

You'd think it would be a known problem, with all those fantasy stories about elves called Zh'aery'shanya'laetha.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

In fact, Eddie's (of the Writing Group) "Swarmed" has a main supporting character (to confuse the terminology) named "Fe'len" in it, and passed with no problem. I suspect it was the paired apostrophes that some filter picked up on.

--Annie

 

[StrangeLife]

Hi All

My stories are often sent back due to dialogue formatting. Am I alone in this ?

You're not alone. I once got a story rejected for the exact same reason.

Then I watched a few YouTube videos about quotations and dialogue, and that really helped refresh my elementary school knowledge.

 

[ElectricBlue]

What do you think? Should I have italicized all the Polynesian words to make it clearer to @Laurel that it wasn't incorrect quoting?

How many Polynesian words are in the story? If "not many", then I'd italicise, and include a Note to the Editor to identify the second language.

If "a lot", then I'd cover it off with a comment in the text the first time, then treat it as normal dialogue, using the same font.

As you say, I reckon you've been word botted, not rejected by human eyes.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

What's annoying is, some stories that get through have very, very bad dialog formatting. Or in this case, none:

He pulled out a bow tie and a man's thong both black in color.

Now bring them to me.

She put the bow tie on him and told him to remove his bikini underwear and put the thong on.

Mmm. You're making Mistress very happy with her choice of outfit for her little boy. I thought about making you wear a frilly dress or a French maid's outfit, which is hanging in the closet by the way. So look forward to wearing that when I have you clean the house. I am looking forward to watching you in it. I'll be supervising you until I feel comfortable leaving you on your own when I give you tasks to complete. Of course, some of the tasks I have to be with you or you can't do them.

She waited for him to respond.

Don't you want to know what type of task involves me being with you the or you can't accomplish them?

I won't link, this isn't about shaming the author, but as you can see, this story just doesn't set off quotes at all.

--Annie