Stories sent back "Dialogue"

[EmilyMiller]

DJ hopes this will help and will now stop referring to himself in 3rd person.

I know a good therapist, hun.

 

[Djmac1031]

I know a good therapist, hun.

Hey, you don't have to be crazy to post in this forum, but it certainly helps.

 

[StillStunned]

Hey, you don't have to be crazy to post in this forum, but it certainly helps.

You don't have to be crazy to post here. It will happen sooner or later anyway.

 

[NuclearFairy]

How would you guys untangle this paragraph?

So when one of the older ladies called out a cheerful, “Hey!” he jumped with a guilty start and stammered out a hurried explanation as he yanked his gaze up to their curious faces, “I’m s-sorry. I d-didn’t mean to interrupt, I just got lost and st-stumbled upon you guys.”

 

[FrancesScott]

How would you guys untangle this paragraph?

One of the older ladies called out a cheerful, “Hey!”

He jumped with a guilty start, and yanked his gaze up to their curious faces. “I’m s-sorry. I d-didn’t mean to interrupt, I just got lost and st-stumbled upon you guys,” he stammered in hurried explanation,

 

[TheLobster]

How would you guys untangle this paragraph?

If you want to preserve this yarn-spinning flow of the narration, here’s one option:

So when one of the older ladies called out a cheerful, “Hey!” he jumped with a guilty start and stammered out a hurried explanation as he yanked his gaze up to their curious faces.

“I’m s-sorry,” he said, “I d-didn’t mean to interrupt, I just got lost and st-stumbled upon you guys.”

Otherwise, what @FrancesScott suggested works as well, turning the passage into more of a standalone scene.

 

[StillStunned]

How would you guys untangle this paragraph?

Another possibility:

"Hey!"

The cheerful greeting woke him from his reverie. Yanking his gaze up with a guilty start, he saw that one of the older ladies was smiling at him. “I’m s-sorry," he stammered. "I d-didn’t mean to interrupt, I just got lost and st-stumbled upon you guys.”

Or something like that.

 

[FrancesScott]

How would you guys untangle this paragraph?

However you fix it, the “Hey” and the other dialogue need to be in different paragraphs as they are different speakers.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

The punctuation is wrong, from what I can judge.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

So when one of the older ladies called out a cheerful “Hey!”, he jumped with a guilty start and stammered out a hurried explanation as he yanked his gaze up to their curious faces.

“I’m s-sorry,” he said. “I d-didn’t mean to interrupt, I just got lost and st-stumbled upon you guys.”

The same as what Lobster suggested, but changing a few commas.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

Is there a reason for the stuttering, stammering?

 

[ElectricBlue]

How would you guys untangle this paragraph?

Lose the 'So when' and the 'just' (they're lazy words, adding nothing) and edit most of the action out of the first sentence. There's too much going on, and the repeated stuttering is overdoing his nervousness. Pare it right back to point of the sequence - what's the most important thing going on? I reckon you've got far too much filler.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

We may need a bit more context about the scene also. Sometimes fumbling dialog can work.

Did he get caught jerking off into their shoes?

Or watching them sunbathing?

 

[SimonDoom]

How would you guys untangle this paragraph?

One of the older ladies cheerfully called, "Hey!"

He jumped with a guilty start. "I'm s=sorry. I di-didn't mean to interrupt. I just got lost and st-stumbled upon you guys."


I generally like to split dialogue of two parties into two paragraphs.

You don't need to write "stammered out a hurried explanation" because it's redundant. We know that's what he's doing from the dialogue.

 

[NuclearFairy]

Is there a reason for the stuttering, stammering?

Some people stammer when they're stressed. A few people stammer all the time.

 

[NuclearFairy]

Lose the 'So when' and the 'just' (they're lazy words, adding nothing) and edit most of the action out of the first sentence. There's too much going on, and the repeated stuttering is overdoing his nervousness. Pare it right back to point of the sequence - what's the most important thing going on? I reckon you've got far too much filler.

Yeah, those're some of my SO's favorite words to kill when he's editing for me. Especially when they show up at the beginning of a paragraph... I'm getting better I swear. XD

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

Some people stammer when they're stressed. A few people stammer all the time.

Which is why I asked for more background.

 

[NuclearFairy]

Which is why I asked for more background.

He got lost in the woods and stumbled upon a troop of women dancing, and then he felt guilty when they noticed him because he'd spent the whole time there watching without alerting them to his presence.