Short Excerpts

[ZinJ]

I've been waiting up to 3 weeks now for the re-edit of my story to be published, and I've also kind of hit a writer's block, so I feel a bit down/bored. Thought I'd combat this by posting a short excerpt here (this may not be included in the main story. Just an idea). Feel free to jump in with your own excerpts if you want, make comments, give feedback, etc. Whatever you feel like writing. This is a non-con one based on the story I'm trying to finish:

She’d been in her room after they had come back from the dining hall, where they’d met up with the others in her Master’s group. As she changed to a yellow nightgown, the door opened behind her, and she turned around. Her Master entered. Taking her to his own room, he studied her for a moment before pulling her towards him. Evie stood still, bracing herself for what was to follow. Putting his hand under her chin, lifting up so she would have to look at him, he brushed his lips against hers and then kissed her in earnest. Arms wrapped around her and his body pressed against hers, the feel of his erection making her gasp into his mouth. He pulled away, face still close to hers.

“You know what to do.” He said, hot breath against her lips.

Hesitantly leaning in, she kissed him once and looked away. Pulling her to his bed, he made her kneel in front of him as he sat back, staring at her again, thinking. He licked his lips.

“Take my clothes off.”

Evie froze. She had gotten used to many things, but she wasn’t sure she could do that. Leaning towards her again, he kissed her cheek.

“Come on, pet.” He said softly.

Her hands moved to the hem of his shirt, and she clumsily took it off as he smiled. Taking the shirt from her, he tossed it onto the floor, then leaned back on his arms, waiting. Trembling slightly, she fumbled with the buttons of his pants. This wasn’t helped by the fact that he’d leaned forwards again, trailing kisses along her neck, still smiling. Eventually, she managed to take them off, too. Fingers hooking the waistband of his underwear now, she stopped, breath catching in her throat as she looked at his erection. Another kiss pressed to the corner of her mouth.

“Keep going.” He breathed, voice heavy with lust.

There was no avoiding this. Swallowing, she made her hands move, hoping to at least get this over with quickly. His last piece of clothing was discarded. She looked away, but then he pulled her into his lap, making her straddle him, forcing her to feel it all. Kissing her neck, hands wandering her body, she held still as her heart raced even faster. His fangs grazed lightly over her skin. Rolling over so that she was now beneath him, he kneeled between her legs, kissing her deeply as his hands trailed up her thighs.

“You have no idea how many times I’ve thought about fucking you tonight.”

Evie could only stare at him, wondering what she’d done. He’d given her a revealing dress to wear, one that was in the style that she normally wore, so she didn’t think it was unusual. Looking at him apprehensively, he pushed her nightgown up, then took off her underwear, throwing it to the floor along with his clothes. His mouth trailed from her collarbone to her chest, then stopped to look at her.

“Hold your hands above your head and keep them there, pet.”

Doing as he said, his lips travelled all the way down. Gasping as he kissed her inner thigh, waves of pleasure rippling through her, she was unable to stop herself. Bringing her hands down, her fingers grabbed some of his hair. Her eyes snapped open as she realised what she did and quickly let go, looking down at him with wide eyes, hoping he wouldn’t punish her. He only smirked. Bringing his mouth towards her clit, he hovered for a few seconds before kissing lightly, then coming back up.

A small groan escaped her before she could hold back, and he laughed. In another moment, he took her wrists, pinning them above her head as he thrust into her.

 

[ZinJ]

Woke up to nothing but tumbleweeds. ok

 

[EmilyMiller]

Some people will read ‘non-con’ and nope out. Others will be, like, ‘bring it on.’ But you are automatically excluding some who might otherwise reply, though your extract reads more like D/s TBH.

 

[EmilyMiller]

General feedback: is he a vampire - SF&F or EH - or a monster - NH?

It’s kinda dry and you get no sense of any tension building. She reacts in a few different ways, but what is actually going through her head? Fear, excitement, conflict, all three?

Too many pronouns in too many run on sentences. Add some variety and split the thoughts up.

Too many extraneous details that pull the reader out of the moment.

I felt nothing reading the text, and it’s really not what most would call non-con around here. Then I’m no expert.

 

[ZinJ]

Thanks for feedback. He's a vampire.

Plus I kinda started this thread hoping people would jump in with their own excerpts for fun guess it didn't work out

 

[EmilyMiller]

Thanks for feedback. He's a vampire.

Plus I kinda started this thread hoping people would jump in with their own excerpts for fun guess it didn't work out

There are other threads like that.

I think you need to consider your category carefully.

 

[SmilingLez]

I've been waiting up to 3 weeks now for the re-edit of my story to be published, and I've also kind of hit a writer's block, so I feel a bit down/bored. Thought I'd combat this by posting a short excerpt here (this may not be included in the main story. Just an idea). Feel free to jump in with your own excerpts if you want, make comments, give feedback, etc. Whatever you feel like writing. This is a non-con one based on the story I'm trying to finish:

She’d been in her room after they had come back from the dining hall, where they’d met up with the others in her Master’s group.

They had v they'd. Choose one format

 

[EmilyMiller]

They had v they'd. Choose one format

Earlier, Evie had met with the members of her Master’s group in the dining hall. [what was the experience like for her?] Since then, she had remained in her room. [what thoughts were going through her head now?]

 

[MillieDynamite]

@EmilyMiller, stop pulling your punches, tell us what you really think!

General feedback: is he a vampire - SF&F or EH - or a monster - NH?

It’s kinda dry and you get no sense of any tension building. She reacts in a few different ways, but what is actually going through her head? Fear, excitement, conflict, all three?

Too many pronouns in too many run on sentences. Add some variety and split the thoughts up.

Too many extraneous details that pull the reader out of the moment.

I felt nothing reading the text, and it’s really not what most would call non-con around here. Then I’m no expert.

 

[gunhilltrain]

Some people will read ‘non-con’ and nope out. Others will be, like, ‘bring it on.’ But you are automatically excluding some who might otherwise reply, though your extract reads more like D/s TBH.

What does D/s TBH mean? Thanks!

 

[SmilingLez]

What does D/s TBH mean? Thanks!

Dominant/submissive To Be Honest

 

[gunhilltrain]

Dominant/submissive To Be Honest

Thank you. I should have recognized D/s. "To be honest" is a new one for me.

 

[ZinJ]

Thank you. I should have recognized D/s. "To be honest" is a new one for me.

I just saw a bunch of letters and my tired brain thought "ok".

Honestly, the way I've written the story makes me feel things. But clearly I need to get out of my own head, see things from others p.o.v

 

[EmilyMiller]

@EmilyMiller, stop pulling your punches, tell us what you really think!

I’m sick (physically), I shouldn’t be critiquing porn…

Had COVID, but now -ve, and have a nasty upper respiratory infection instead .

 

[EmilyMiller]

In the spirit of the thread, feel free to rip this unfinished, unedited, un-proofread WIP snippet to shreds…

I loathed condoms for anal. They got crinkled. They abraded and made me sore; no matter how frequently re-lubed. But - in the circumstances - it was a necessary evil. And I was even managing to somewhat enjoy the rather callow way in which Matt Jacobs was attempting to plow my ass.

It’s weird how much of sex appeal is actually down to attitude. Objectively, my appearance wasn’t very different to when Matt had spent most of senior year at high school actively ignoring me. I was still tiny, young-looking, and boyish. My curves were more Euclidean than elliptical, and my freckles were much too numerous.

I was now a college junior, home for the holidays. I might look like the same girl that had headed off for college, but a lot had changed for me in the intervening years. And with my new found sexual confidence, apparently I was now finally fuckable. Go team Emily!

It was shallow of me to target Matt, I knew. Then it had been shallow how he had treated me back then as well. It was maybe a fucked up sort of revenge / validation, but it made sense to me. I was a different girl now and determined to show him just what he had missed out on.

As for me, based on Matt’s current performance, I had dodged a bullet. I mean I loved anal, but it helped if the guy had some clue what he was doing. Maybe some encouragement was in order.

“Oh, Matt, you are sooo big, my tight little ass can hardly take you,” I lied. “Give it to me big boy,” another lie, “I love it so much.” I’m sure my nose must have been elongating at this point.

But my words had the desired effect, with what I could only describe as a girly squeal, Matt thrust, and shuddered, and then collapsed onto my back, breathing heavily.

I extricated myself from under him, holding the condom in place, which was surely the guy’s job. Now business like, I found my panties and put them back on, then did the same with my jeans. Matt was lying on his back on the bed, an arm across his face and clearly out of it.

Boots. Where were my boots? Aha! I pulled them on, there was a dusting of snow outside. “Nice to see you again, Matt. I’ll make sure to message Missy DeVito that we met. I know she’d just love to hear all about it.” Missy was Matt’s girlfriend, and she’d been pretty hateful to me too.

“What? What the fuck, Em? You… you wouldn’t. Please…”

“Bye, Matt. Happy Holidays, to you… and Missy.”

With that, I left. Of course I wasn’t going to message Missy. I was a low-level bitch sometimes, and seeing the look on Matt’s face had been precious, but his secret was safe with me. Not that I was going to let him know that.

 

[MrPixel]

I'll play. Setup here is the MMC, the "leader" of a polyamorous troupe, has been invited to lunch at an especially fine restaurant by a young GF's mother:

=====

He pulls into the sparsely-populated parking lot, expecting this given the expense-account lunch crowd had mostly dissipated. He parks two spaces down from one of those new electric Cadillacs, with somebody behind the wheel. The driver has apparently just seen Steve's vehicle after being told what to look for. Two very shapely, slender legs wearing designer medium-heel black pumps step out, attached to a svelte raven-haired beauty in a smart above-the-knee, form-fitting dark blue knit dress... who waves to Steve thinking she, somehow, needed to get his attention by waving.

This is "Mom?"

"Steven!" she cheerily calls to him as they step towards the entrance.

Everything about her puts his darkest fears to rest.

"Marjorie! It's a pleasure to meet you." He extends his hand for the formal greeting, which is gently accepted.

"We have so much to talk about," she offers. "My Catherine loves you, and while it is certainly an unconventional relationship, I cannot thank you enough for what you have done for her, and her friend, too."

"Thank you. Cat and Keri are wonderful additions to our larger family. You do understand it is a family, right?"

"I do. The two of them have tried to explain it, but I'm interested in hearing it from your perspective. The horse's mouth, so to speak."

"Then let's find a place to light and get it on, so to speak."

"Oooo. Your saying it that way gives me shivers!"

Steve softly chuckles. He opens the restaurant door and directs her into the foyer.

"Ms. Atkins, for two," she announces to the host. The maître d'hôtel subtly raises his eyebrows to her, and Marjorie is equally subtle with a slight nod.

"Follow me, please."

The host leads them to an unusually dark and secluded booth, especially considering it is early afternoon and quite sunny outside. They take seats across from each other, and order their drinks.

"Marge? Cat most certainly told you I'm a straightforward kind of guy, especially about sex. So point blank - this is looking like a seduction to me."

"Fuck. Caught!" she laughs. "We gonna do it here?"

Steve laughs back, "No, but we certainly could."

 

[EmilyMiller]

I'll play. Setup here is the MMC, the "leader" of a polyamorous troupe, has been invited to lunch at an especially fine restaurant by a young GF's mother:

=====

He pulls into the sparsely-populated parking lot, expecting this given the expense-account lunch crowd had mostly dissipated. He parks two spaces down from one of those new electric Cadillacs, with somebody behind the wheel. The driver has apparently just seen Steve's vehicle after being told what to look for. Two very shapely, slender legs wearing designer medium-heel black pumps step out, attached to a svelte raven-haired beauty in a smart above-the-knee, form-fitting dark blue knit dress... who waves to Steve thinking she, somehow, needed to get his attention by waving.

This is "Mom?"

"Steven!" she cheerily calls to him as they step towards the entrance.

Everything about her puts his darkest fears to rest.

"Marjorie! It's a pleasure to meet you." He extends his hand for the formal greeting, which is gently accepted.

"We have so much to talk about," she offers. "My Catherine loves you, and while it is certainly an unconventional relationship, I cannot thank you enough for what you have done for her, and her friend, too."

"Thank you. Cat and Keri are wonderful additions to our larger family. You do understand it is a family, right?"

"I do. The two of them have tried to explain it, but I'm interested in hearing it from your perspective. The horse's mouth, so to speak."

"Then let's find a place to light and get it on, so to speak."

"Oooo. Your saying it that way gives me shivers!"

Steve softly chuckles. He opens the restaurant door and directs her into the foyer.

"Ms. Atkins, for two," she announces to the host. The maître d'hôtel subtly raises his eyebrows to her, and Marjorie is equally subtle with a slight nod.

"Follow me, please."

The host leads them to an unusually dark and secluded booth, especially considering it is early afternoon and quite sunny outside. They take seats across from each other, and order their drinks.

"Marge? Cat most certainly told you I'm a straightforward kind of guy, especially about sex. So point blank - this is looking like a seduction to me."

"Fuck. Caught!" she laughs. "We gonna do it here?"

Steve laughs back, "No, but we certainly could."

Sounds like fun will ensue

 

[ZinJ]

I loathed condoms for anal. They got crinkled. They abraded and made me sore; no matter how frequently re-lubed. But - in the circumstances - it was a necessary evil. And I was even managing to somewhat enjoy the rather callow way in which Matt Jacobs was attempting to plow my ass.

It’s weird how much of sex appeal is actually down to attitude. Objectively, my appearance wasn’t very different to when Matt had spent most of senior year at high school actively ignoring me. I was still tiny, young-looking, and boyish. My curves were more Euclidean than elliptical, and my freckles were much too numerous.

I was now a college junior, home for the holidays. I might look like the same girl that had headed off for college, but a lot had changed for me in the intervening years. And with my new found sexual confidence, apparently I was now finally fuckable. Go team Emily!

It was shallow of me to target Matt, I knew. Then it had been shallow how he had treated me back then as well. It was maybe a fucked up sort of revenge / validation, but it made sense to me. I was a different girl now and determined to show him just what he had missed out on.

As for me, based on Matt’s current performance, I had dodged a bullet. I mean I loved anal, but it helped if the guy had some clue what he was doing. Maybe some encouragement was in order.

“Oh, Matt, you are sooo big, my tight little ass can hardly take you,” I lied. “Give it to me big boy,” another lie, “I love it so much.” I’m sure my nose must have been elongating at this point.

But my words had the desired effect, with what I could only describe as a girly squeal, Matt thrust, and shuddered, and then collapsed onto my back, breathing heavily.

I extricated myself from under him, holding the condom in place, which was surely the guy’s job. Now business like, I found my panties and put them back on, then did the same with my jeans. Matt was lying on his back on the bed, an arm across his face and clearly out of it.

Boots. Where were my boots? Aha! I pulled them on, there was a dusting of snow outside. “Nice to see you again, Matt. I’ll make sure to message Missy DeVito that we met. I know she’d just love to hear all about it.” Missy was Matt’s girlfriend, and she’d been pretty hateful to me too.

“What? What the fuck, Em? You… you wouldn’t. Please…”

“Bye, Matt. Happy Holidays, to you… and Missy.”

With that, I left. Of course I wasn’t going to message Missy. I was a low-level bitch sometimes, and seeing the look on Matt’s face had been precious, but his secret was safe with me. Not that I was going to let him know that.

I've only started writing recently and am not much of an editor, but I like the humour in this. Think when he's pleading, there should be a couple of exclamation marks. I'm more focused on what's happening in the story and I like what I'm reading. So vengeful lol

 

[ZinJ]

I'll play. Setup here is the MMC, the "leader" of a polyamorous troupe, has been invited to lunch at an especially fine restaurant by a young GF's mother:

=====

He pulls into the sparsely-populated parking lot, expecting this given the expense-account lunch crowd had mostly dissipated. He parks two spaces down from one of those new electric Cadillacs, with somebody behind the wheel. The driver has apparently just seen Steve's vehicle after being told what to look for. Two very shapely, slender legs wearing designer medium-heel black pumps step out, attached to a svelte raven-haired beauty in a smart above-the-knee, form-fitting dark blue knit dress... who waves to Steve thinking she, somehow, needed to get his attention by waving.

This is "Mom?"

"Steven!" she cheerily calls to him as they step towards the entrance.

Everything about her puts his darkest fears to rest.

"Marjorie! It's a pleasure to meet you." He extends his hand for the formal greeting, which is gently accepted.

"We have so much to talk about," she offers. "My Catherine loves you, and while it is certainly an unconventional relationship, I cannot thank you enough for what you have done for her, and her friend, too."

"Thank you. Cat and Keri are wonderful additions to our larger family. You do understand it is a family, right?"

"I do. The two of them have tried to explain it, but I'm interested in hearing it from your perspective. The horse's mouth, so to speak."

"Then let's find a place to light and get it on, so to speak."

"Oooo. Your saying it that way gives me shivers!"

Steve softly chuckles. He opens the restaurant door and directs her into the foyer.

"Ms. Atkins, for two," she announces to the host. The maître d'hôtel subtly raises his eyebrows to her, and Marjorie is equally subtle with a slight nod.

"Follow me, please."

The host leads them to an unusually dark and secluded booth, especially considering it is early afternoon and quite sunny outside. They take seats across from each other, and order their drinks.

"Marge? Cat most certainly told you I'm a straightforward kind of guy, especially about sex. So point blank - this is looking like a seduction to me."

"Fuck. Caught!" she laughs. "We gonna do it here?"

Steve laughs back, "No, but we certainly could."

I don't know, I need more backstory here,,, like why is the relationship 'unconventional' and what did he do for the daughter and friend...and why is the mother wanting to suddenly jump into bed with him...so many questions.

 

[EmilyMiller]

Think when he's pleading, there should be a couple of exclamation marks.

He’s whining pathetically more than exclaiming.

 

[EmilyMiller]

I don't know, I need more backstory here,,, like why is the relationship 'unconventional' and what did he do for the daughter and friend...and why is the mother wanting to suddenly jump into bed with him...so many questions.

He mentions in the set-up at the top.

 

[ZinJ]

He mentions in the set-up at the top.

yeah, but my curious brain wants to know more

 

[EmilyMiller]

yeah, but my curious brain wants to know more

Then @MrPixel’s set up was successful

 

[ZinJ]

Just realised, I should've included the backstory of the one I posted, so here it is: Evie is a human who was born into a dystopian vampire-run world and surrenders herself after her only living relative (father) dies. She's claimed by Kail, the leader. This scenario is a while after, when she's mostly broken in but still uncomfortable with the sexual aspect of her new status as a pet (she thought she'd just exchange blood for comfort and food)

 

[ZinJ]

Then @MrPixel’s set up was successful

Yep. Maybe should continue. Or someone else can continue the story...wonder if we should write continuations to each other's stories for more fun