Ladies - do you like it when a stranger tells you that you are beautiful?

[BillyWalrus]

This thread with its presumptions annoys the fuck out of me so much that I have to put its creator on ignore.

 

[big_cane_sugar]

The bolded part: apparently you haven't read through the entire thread. The assertion from many in this thread is that the simple act of complimenting a woman who is a stranger will make them uncomfortable and is a sign that you have nefarious intentions.

Under those circumstances, it doesn't matter how you approach them, how much you try to make them comfortable, they are going to be uncomfortable with any interaction no matter what. To avoid that discomfort for them the best thing is to say nothing and move on.

"I'm saying they couldn't know in advance so it was up to me to prove over time that I was a decent guy."

Which is what I've said numerous times. However, you can't prove anything if you never get past the hello stage. And some here see even the hello stage (no matter how mannerly or kind you are) as the man having ulterior motives. Additionally, if I complimented a woman I didn't know and may never see again and made her uncomfortable by doing so, how am I going to prove myself to her? It ain't gonna happen.

As far as this: "I'm saying if you can't consistently get through that first brief interaction (such as saying "I noticed how pretty you are so I wanted to meet you") without making a woman uncomfortable, you're doing something wrong." Let me refer you to the beginning of the thread and a second invitation to read through the entirety of it.

Comshaw

Of course some women feel like that. Maybe all women feel like that sometimes. Definitely all women will feel like that if the guy seems wrong. Or if the compliment isn't actually polite.

But many other women -- all women in my personal experience -- welcome a kind compliment.

 

[Comshaw]

Of course some women feel like that. Maybe all women feel like that sometimes. Definitely all women will feel like that if the guy seems wrong. Or if the compliment isn't actually polite.

But many other women -- all women in my personal experience -- welcome a kind compliment.

You're sure about that and not just making an assumption? Many women have mastered the art of hiding what they really feel. I know this from conversations with a few female friends. It was a long, involved conversation and gave me some insights into the inner workings of a person's mind. I saw "a person's mind" and not "woman's mind" because a lot of how they dealt with such things was akin to how I do it. The big difference was the outwardly manifestation. They smiled and were polite. I'm stoic and display little emotion.

So those women who smiled and said thank you to you might have been cringing or frowning inside. Perhaps next time you might want to take a closer look and see if there are any minute signs of discomfort.


Comshaw

 

[big_cane_sugar]

You're sure about that and not just making an assumption? Many women have mastered the art of hiding what they really feel. I know this from conversations with a few female friends. It was a long, involved conversation and gave me some insights into the inner workings of a person's mind. I saw "a person's mind" and not "woman's mind" because a lot of how they dealt with such things was akin to how I do it. The big difference was the outwardly manifestation. They smiled and were polite. I'm stoic and display little emotion.

So those women who smiled and said thank you to you might have been cringing or frowning inside. Perhaps next time you might want to take a closer look and see if there are any minute signs of discomfort.


Comshaw

No one ever knows 100% how another person feels, that they're being honest. I know I didn't have bad intentions, I didn't behave badly, and I know they didn't react badly. I know that back when I was single and I led with "I noticed how pretty you are so I wanted to meet you," I got phone numbers fairly often. Some of the women who told me something like "that's so nice of you, thank you, but I have a boyfriend" might've been frowning inside but they probably had much bigger problems than me telling them they were pretty.

Edit: In some posts you're blaming women for not giving men a chance and in others you're saying men shouldn't signal interest, even politely. I think women are much tougher than you're giving them credit for. Just don't be a jerk or a creep and most of them won't think you're a jerk or a creep. I don't see why this is so difficult. The world is full of lonely, lonely women wishing a decent man would say something like, "Hi, I noticed how pretty you are so I wanted to meet you." Some women might be briefly, mildly uncomfortable. Most will feel flattered. A few will be interested in getting to know you better, seeing what happens next.

 

[Cagivagurl]

The annoying part of the thread for me...
A woman adds value by how she presents herself...
Really?
So regardless of the things she's done... She only adds value if she fits into the stereotypical male fantasy...
Forget the fact she may have a busy job, might be raising 5 or more children. She may be a nuclear physicist, or a Neurological surgeon. If she doesn't dress in a manner you find acceptable. She adds no value...

Human beings add value by the way they live their lives. Not by their dress sense...

Cagivagurl

 

[EmilyMiller]

The annoying part of the thread for me...
A woman adds value by how she presents herself...
Really?
So regardless of the things she's done... She only adds value if she fits into the stereotypical male fantasy...
Forget the fact she may have a busy job, might be raising 5 or more children. She may be a nuclear physicist, or a Neurological surgeon. If she doesn't dress in a manner you find acceptable. She adds no value...

Human beings add value by the way they live their lives. Not by their dress sense...

Cagivagurl

Maria Skłodowska-Curie

 

[Belegon]

6whenever i compliment someone I don't know iI try to make it as specific as possible and I avoid anything about body parts that are more focused sexually. I'd never say something like "nice rack" to a stranger. I'm much more likely to compliment the color or cut of her hair or even say she has beautiful eyes.

 

[GuiltyCowboy]

Maria Skłodowska-Curie

“Hey, Marie - I can call you Marie, right? - so, what’s the fastest liquid in the world?”

Maria looks up from her papers, bemused to have been interrupted by an unknown man. The man looks at her expectantly.

“Milk! Because it’s pasteurized before you can see it!”

Maria glances briefly at the doorway. I thought I’d locked that, she thinks to herself.

“So, anyway, talking about eyes - ,” and here he pauses knowingly, just to make sure that this piece of drollery of which he is so proud has been fully grasped by the only person to have won Nobel prizes in two different scientific fields, “- yours are beautiful, did you know that?”

Maria’s pen is still poised above her notebook. The man hovers. Maria returns to her work.

The man swallows. “You know something, you should smile more often…”

“Dehors,” she responds without looking up.

“Don’t you even want me to fetch something down for you from a high shelf?”

Maria points her arm at the door, still not lifting her head.

The man leaves, reluctantly, his feelings bruised, and logs on to an internet forum to complain that some women are just too sensitive and he was only trying to make her feel good about herself.

For half a second, irritation plays across Maria’s face: ‘why would someone ever describe a liquid as ‘fast’? Makes no sense.’ And then she never thinks about the man again.

 

[XerXesXu]

Maria Skłodowska-Curie

I do beg your pardon but, may I say, I so admire the way you glow at night.

 

[alohadave]

So those women who smiled and said thank you to you might have been cringing or frowning inside. Perhaps next time you might want to take a closer look and see if there are any minute signs of discomfort.

This is exactly how I feel when people find out that I'm a veteran. The next words out of their mouths are: "thank you for you service."

It makes me cringe every single time, because I know that it's meaningless, because they say it reflexively, and while they may mean it, it means nothing to me personally.

But, I smile and thank them because I don't want to talk about them how I feel about it with every person who says it.

 

[UnpoppedPrincess]

It it seems sincere, very much so.

 

[djrip]

No. Not really. My formulation would be ‘don’t pretend you’re sincerely giving a compliment when actually you’re just using the compliment to manipulate someone you find attractive into giving you their attention’.

Ultimately, it’s the difference between sincerity and manipulation.

And I suspect most people feel it’s not a real compliment unless it’s sincere.

It’s a given that the person paying the compliment will probably feel good about themselves for giving it. That’s not the issue.

Why would the compliment from the guy with the additional motive of wanting to attract the lady's attention be insincere? Doesn't he want her attention because she is genuinely attractive to him?

 

[djrip]

Have you ever had the shoe on the other foot? I have. I was out running and a woman that I passed said "Nice ass." I don't think she intended to say it out loud but I heard it and I stopped and asked her, "What was that? Did you say something?" She was embarrassed and confessed and I continued my run. People should learn to keep their goddam mouths shut!!!

They should feel free to compliment as they see fit when I run past lol

 

[djrip]

The annoying part of the thread for me...
A woman adds value by how she presents herself...
Really?
So regardless of the things she's done... She only adds value if she fits into the stereotypical male fantasy...
Forget the fact she may have a busy job, might be raising 5 or more children. She may be a nuclear physicist, or a Neurological surgeon. If she doesn't dress in a manner you find acceptable. She adds no value...

Human beings add value by the way they live their lives. Not by their dress sense...

Cagivagurl

No, not only how one presents themselves. That's one piece of many. A person's value can consist of anything and everything someone could find valuable about them. Attractiveness is one such thing. Skillset is another. Personality characteristics like determination could be another. Job prospects or a good career or wealth could be one. Making the person they spend time with feel good about themselves could be one. Knowledge of interesting subjects. Being good at tennis or settlers of catan maybe. Anything someone could appreciate about someone else.

 

[Dashabout]

If it's a genuine compliment on something I've worked on to present well, I'll enjoy it. If he or she is is ogling or drooling is a different matter.

 

[GuiltyCowboy]

Why would the compliment from the guy with the additional motive of wanting to attract the lady's attention be insincere?

That’s not insincere of course.

I was talking about men who purport to be only giving a compliment but their compliments are only ever directed at women they find attractive and only focus on the woman’s physical attributes (and not her actions, achievements, choices etc).

In those cases, even though the man gives himself the plausible deniability of ‘I was just trying to be nice!’, he isn’t genuinely giving a compliment. He’s really just using the excuse of giving a compliment to get some of her attention for himself. And so the compliment is basically insincere - because the compliment is being used as a cover. It’s a manipulation.

We’re not talking about chat up lines here. That’s the key difference. We’re making a distinction between real compliments and compliments that obscure their real purpose.

 

[Bramblethorn]

That’s not insincere of course.

I was talking about men who purport to be only giving a compliment but their compliments are only ever directed at women they find attractive and only focus on the woman’s physical attributes (and not her actions, achievements, choices etc).

In those cases, even though the man gives himself the plausible deniability of ‘I was just trying to be nice!’, he isn’t genuinely giving a compliment. He’s really just using the excuse of giving a compliment to get some of her attention for himself. And so the compliment is basically insincere - because the compliment is being used as a cover. It’s a manipulation.

We’re not talking about chat up lines here. That’s the key difference. We’re making a distinction between real compliments and compliments that obscure their real purpose.

It's not only the "compliments" about physical attributes, though it often is. A few years back, I think it was in the How-To forum here, I was in a discussion about child-raising. I talked about the challenges of raising my partner's kid, which was tough and sometimes painful and scary.

Dude PMs me: "you sound like a really caring mother"

Me, somewhat against my better judgement because I already have a suspicion where this is going: "Thank you."

PM Dude: *launches straight into extremely graphic sexual fantasy involving me and his dick*

Even though that "compliment" was supposedly about my actions, it still felt shitty. I'd just opened my heart on something important and difficult for me, and this guy wanted to treat that as some sort of unlock code for e-pussy. It's insincere, and it puts me in an unpleasant situation where I'm obliged to be polite to somebody who might be paying a genuine compliment while knowing that it's probably not. It would've been far better (though still not welcome) if he'd skipped the fake "compliment" altogether and gone straight to the sexy talk.

The Marie Curie story reminds me of Maryam Mirzakhani. She was a brilliant mathematician, first woman to win the most prestigious award in mathematics. She died at 40 from breast cancer, leaving a young daughter. She had this idiosyncratic way of working out problems that shines through in her notes:


When she died, I saw a lot of guys commenting along the lines of "what a shame, she was so pretty", as if the loss of a pretty face was the most important thing there.

Physical compliments can be welcome sometimes. Most people like to think they're attractive. But compliments can also be a way of saying "you might be one of the most brilliant minds on this planet, you might be dying without ever getting to see your daughter grow up, but what's most important about you is that you're decorative."

When Abraham Lincoln died, did people say "what a shame, he had such a great beard, and that hat!"

I feel like a lot of guys want a simple low-effort rule that tells them what kind of compliment is acceptable, in any and every situation. They get mad when there isn't a simple rule, when "you have pretty eyes" is sometimes taken as a compliment and sometimes not.

But that "low-effort" is a big part of the problem. Human beings are complicated. If you really want to make an individual human being feel good, you might need to put thought into figuring out what kind of compliment might work for this particular human being in this particular situation. Making that effort is in itself a big compliment and one that's unlikely to be taken amiss.

 

[Cagivagurl]

No, not only how one presents themselves. That's one piece of many. A person's value can consist of anything and everything someone could find valuable about them. Attractiveness is one such thing. Skillset is another. Personality characteristics like determination could be another. Job prospects or a good career or wealth could be one. Making the person they spend time with feel good about themselves could be one. Knowledge of interesting subjects. Being good at tennis or settlers of catan maybe. Anything someone could appreciate about someone else.

For the sake of this thread. We're talking about random strangers... Never met them, never spoken to them, just some random Dude that approaches a woman he's never met, and offers a supposedly sincere compliment....
Sincere... No, not in the least. All he's doing is proving how shallow he is... His flattery is based on one thing only. Her appearance.
A woman's appearance in no way explains her worth, or value to humanity.
As a member of the human race, she adds value by the way she interacts and supports others. It may be through her job, or her family and friends... She may help at charity events schools... That is her value...
Her appearance is nothing. Is she attractive... Not important.
Women are expected to dress in certain styles because it plays into the male dominated fantasy... If you fit into that fantasy, then somehow she is more valuable, and men think they are doing her a favour by flattering her...

Thankfully society is moving away from those beliefs.
I think and it is only my opinion. If the random stranger wouldn't offer the same compliment to a man, or an older person. He should keep his thoughts to himself. If he only offers those compliments to attractive young women then his motives are obvious...

Cagivagurl

 

[big_cane_sugar]

For the sake of this thread. We're talking about random strangers... Never met them, never spoken to them, just some random Dude that approaches a woman he's never met, and offers a supposedly sincere compliment....
Sincere... No, not in the least. All he's doing is proving how shallow he is... His flattery is based on one thing only. Her appearance.
A woman's appearance in no way explains her worth, or value to humanity.
As a member of the human race, she adds value by the way she interacts and supports others. It may be through her job, or her family and friends... She may help at charity events schools... That is her value...
Her appearance is nothing. Is she attractive... Not important.
Women are expected to dress in certain styles because it plays into the male dominated fantasy... If you fit into that fantasy, then somehow she is more valuable, and men think they are doing her a favour by flattering her...

Thankfully society is moving away from those beliefs.
I think and it is only my opinion. If the random stranger wouldn't offer the same compliment to a man, or an older person. He should keep his thoughts to himself. If he only offers those compliments to attractive young women then his motives are obvious...

Cagivagurl

Would you say that a woman who feels good when she gets a compliment on her appearance is wrong to do so?

 

[TheRedChamber]

I once opened with "I just wanted to say how much I admired that sublime lob you made over your opponents head, just inches from the net."

But it was no use. Steffi Graf still wouldn't sleep me.

 

[Cagivagurl]

Would you say that a woman who feels good when she gets a compliment on her appearance is wrong to do so?

My opinion... OK...
A woman who's opinion of herself is boosted by a compliment from a random stranger has self esteem issues...
Our appearance is no reflection of who we are as members of the human race...
If she feels she has to dress to appear attractive, she has already brought into the male fantasy... Only women who look pretty are of any consequence....
Attractiveness in my opinion comes from within...
Beauty is not skin deep.
The modern day fixation on celebrity status is so shallow. Remember, you asked for my opinion...

Cagivagurl

 

[big_cane_sugar]

My opinion... OK...
A woman who's opinion of herself is boosted by a compliment from a random stranger has self esteem issues...
Our appearance is no reflection of who we are as members of the human race...
If she feels she has to dress to appear attractive, she has already brought into the male fantasy... Only women who look pretty are of any consequence....
Attractiveness in my opinion comes from within...
Beauty is not skin deep.
The modern day fixation on celebrity status is so shallow. Remember, you asked for my opinion...

Cagivagurl

Yup, I asked for it and you gave it to me! Thank you. I just wondered because something like that seemed to be implied in your previous post so I was just checking to see if I understood.

 

[stickygirl]

A stranger-compliment is by its nature a projection onto the other person because you want their attention. No matter how charmingly it's done, it isn't a gift, it's a demand. Charm is normally absent. Anyone that claims their compliment is wholly innocent and altruistic is a living in a bubble.

For the sake of this thread. We're talking about random strangers... Never met them, never spoken to them, just some random Dude that approaches a woman he's never met, and offers a supposedly sincere compliment....
Sincere... No, not in the least. All he's doing is proving how shallow he is... His flattery is based on one thing only. Her appearance.
A woman's appearance in no way explains her worth, or value to humanity.
As a member of the human race, she adds value by the way she interacts and supports others. It may be through her job, or her family and friends... She may help at charity events schools... That is her value...
Her appearance is nothing. Is she attractive... Not important.
Women are expected to dress in certain styles because it plays into the male dominated fantasy... If you fit into that fantasy, then somehow she is more valuable, and men think they are doing her a favour by flattering her...

Thankfully society is moving away from those beliefs.
I think and it is only my opinion. If the random stranger wouldn't offer the same compliment to a man, or an older person. He should keep his thoughts to himself. If he only offers those compliments to attractive young women then his motives are obvious...

Cagivagurl

I think a woman's appearance is the prompt for a comment, but that's about it; strangers make comments to anyone who stands out from the crowd, whether they are attractive ( to them ) or looks gay, or wears thick glasses, or is black... 'Hey you! What are you looking at?' is certainly about dominance and aggression.

A stranger-compliment is by its nature a projection onto the other person because they want your attention. No matter how charmingly it's done, it isn't a gift, it's a demand. Charm is normally absent. Anyone that claims their compliment is wholly innocent and altruistic is deceiving themselves.

 

[GuiltyCowboy]

I feel like a lot of guys want a simple low-effort rule that tells them what kind of compliment is acceptable, in any and every situation. They get mad when there isn't a simple rule, when "you have pretty eyes" is sometimes taken as a compliment and sometimes not.

This is one of the more fascinating aspects of human psychology.

When some (usually quite basic) bit of nuance is explained to someone and they throw up their hands and say things like ‘Well, I don’t know. I’m just not going to say *anything* any more!’

I guess it’s just another form of trying to refuse the idea: it’s either my way or nothing at all. Like the rules of life are somehow suddenly unfair and stacked against them. And so they’re going home and they’re taking their ball with them.

Because, ultimately, taking someone else into account is some kind of obligation that is far too burdensome for them. And if they change their behavior then somehow you’ve won and they’ve lost…they’re not controlling you, you are controlling them!

I really don’t know why people react like that instead of simply stopping for a second and thinking about it and then saying ‘ok, you all get it; it can’t be that difficult. I guess I could get it too.’

I suppose if you’re giving out compliments in the hope of extracting a cheap bit of attention you’re the kind of person who’s going to want others to scurry after you in other situations too.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

Did something a little different with my hair this morning. Walked into the office and one of my coworkers complimented me on it.

Before this thread I would have thought it was a basic, polite, civil interaction between two human beings.

Based on this thread I've learned that in reality my co-worker is a terrible manipulative person who had an ulterior motives, and I'm apparently terribly insecure.

I really hope that this thread is the usual performative virtue signaling and people aren't actually serious, because I'm reminded of something Ricky Gervais said.
"You were offended.
I thought it was funny.
That's why I'm happier than you are."