Ladies - do you like it when a stranger tells you that you are beautiful?

[nice90sguy]

Worrying too much about how people will react is very stifling.

I've rarely had a "what a creep" reaction from women when I complement their appearance. Because I make the comments in the right way, spontaneously. On the very few occasions I get a cold, suspicious look, I don't sweat it. That's one of the joys of being in the "IDGAF" age-group.

 

[GuiltyCowboy]

If you’re the kind of man that likes to compliment a beautiful stranger on her looks, can I suggest a little experiment?

1. Next time you see a beautiful woman out in the world, leave her alone. Completely. Instead…
2. …approach a woman or a man nearby who you do not feel the need to engage with…
3. …take note of a *choice* they have made - a piece of clothing, a tattoo, a bag etc. - and not any physical attribute that they have had no control over (like their eyes or their smile).
4. Now say something like ‘Can I just say, that’s a very cool tattoo/bag/pair of shoes/whatever’.
5. They will likely be a little startled but then will also likely have the good grace to say ‘thanks!’
6. At this point, you can say ‘no problem, just wanted to say that, very cool’ and then you walk away. Walk away.

Now, to my mind, that’s a real compliment. You are spreading a little light into the world. If you’re genuine about wanting to give a compliment then that’s what it looks like, roughly.

In this scenario, you are not giving a ‘compliment’ in the hope the beautiful woman you are attracted to is going to think more positively about you or simply pay attention to you.

I realize this is teaching people to suck eggs but, well…

 

[big_cane_sugar]

I've rarely had a "what a creep" reaction from women when I complement their appearance.

I've never gotten it. Maybe we've had unusually good luck or maybe the guys who get that reaction are doing something wrong. My suspicion lies at the latter end of things.

Such as (to borrow an example from earlier in the thread and something that apparently happens often) following up a compliment by telling a woman to smile more often or opining that women in general should smile more often. First of all, the stupidity of men who would say such a thing baffles me. If you want to see a woman smile more often, that could even be quite a sweet thought, but it's on you to give her good reasons to smile more often. If you like her, make a bit of effort to make her happy; if she appreciates it, maybe she'll give you the smile you want to see. If not, go away. Of course I'm only a toxic masculine asshole in some ways but if doing this actually upsets a woman, you've probably messed something up really badly. In that case, apologize and go away.

Secondly, getting a bad reaction to telling a woman to smile more often is obviously not the same as getting a bad reaction to complimenting the prettiness of her smile. Hard to imagine being so confused about life that those two things seem equivalent.

not any physical attribute that they have had no control over (like their eyes...)

Your post is all good advice but this part seems unnecessary to me.

During the pandemic, when everyone had to wear masks, the coffeeshop I always stopped at on my way to work happened to have nobody but pretty young women working there, at least in the mornings. One day I lost my phone and I went back later in the day to see if it was there. They called it for me and it wasn't there. I thanked them for helping me and they seemed really worried, so just to be nice I told them that because they had to wear the masks I kept noticing how pretty their eyes were. They seemed happy to get the compliment. I obviously wasn't hitting on them or anything and they knew it.

Since then I have continued to get my coffees there before going to work and they often give me free shots or size-ups and I always say thank you very sincerely and they smile very nicely at me. I believe they can feel that I still think their eyes are pretty although I haven't said so again, and they seem to like me. It doesn't feel anything like "forced emotional labor." To me at least it just feels like people getting along well. Also they obviously know I like their coffee.

So I don't know. Did I happen to run into some women who are pathetically desperate for flattering attention? Maybe they need reeducation at a camp for feminists? Or do people just ordinarily appreciate it if you say something nice without ulterior motives?

 

[nice90sguy]

people just ordinarily appreciate it if you say something nice without ulterior motives?

Of course they do, men, women, kids, dogs, cats.

But always understand how safe the "complimentee" might be feeling before saying anything. This ought to be instinctive.


A bunch of girls on the subway, drunk, wearing super-sexually provocative clothes: Here, if you dont give off a "I'd really like to have sex with you" vibe when you interact with them, then you're being downright rude.

A single woman in a relatively empty subway car. Say nothing, don't even look.

An attractive woman exuding self-confidence, who's never been molested. Assume that there's no such thing, the stats are on your side there.

At the gym. Smiles are fine, there's a lot of people, and endorphins around.

This morning, I shouted across at a stranger, "You look so cool!" - her reaction, big smile, and "thank you!". We were walking on opposite sides of street, and in opposite directions. No safety issue.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

Dear Men,
The vast majority of women are perfectly OK with a polite compliment. The people upset at the prospect are like the ones who think the Sydney Sweeney ad was somehow racist.
Compliment her eyes, compliment her purse, compliment her hair. Smile and move on. It's not that hard.
Making people afraid to talk to other people is terrible for society.


And we have a term for people who expect you to change your behavior because some members of your demographic group are bad actors. We call it bigotry, and it's not acceptable.

 

[LexiSmiles92]

Yup ... but as others have said, specificity is more appreciated. A waitress the other day commented on my glasses (i have to wear them to read menus). That made my day because I can't ever seem to find glasses that I think look cute on me.

I'm mindful of compliments and am thankful (without trying to read too much into them) and try to be complimentary toward others. Men and women.

Small compliments are easy ways to show kindness.

 

[EmilyMiller]

Yup ... but as others have said, specificity

“I love your dress,” is at one end of the spectrum. “You look hot in that dress,” is at the other. Somewhere in between is, “That dress looks good on you.”

Some of it is how the words are said as well.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

Small compliments are easy ways to show kindness.

This is an under appreciated aspect of this.
I was at lunch last week, guy standing in front of me just looked beat. Clearly having a rough day. I complimented him on his watch, and at least for a few minutes he was smiling.

 

[LexiSmiles92]

This is an under appreciated aspect of this.
I was at lunch last week, guy standing in front of me just looked beat. Clearly having a rough day. I complimented him on his watch, and at least for a few minutes he was smiling.

love this!

 

[AlexBailey]

why is the fact she was cute important???
If you said the check out girl was friendly and very engaging. I'd have brought it. The fact she had to be cute...
Not important....

Cagivagurl

Oh, she is cute.
She’s probably forty something and a little plump. She’s super friendly, wears her braids in pigtails and has a look that few would call pretty. But yeah, she’s cute.

Is cute only a judgement of looks? My stoic dad became a very cute old man before he died. He always acted embarrassed when someone called him cute but it also made him glow.

 

[big_cane_sugar]

Reversing here for a dude's POV....

Women tell me that I'm handsome (or have a nice haircut or nice shoes or something) all the time. They're rarely-to-never hitting on me and they're usually exaggerating. It rarely even improves my mood because I don't really believe them. I don't feel like a handsome guy, and I don't really care very much either. I derive most of my self-esteem from other sources.

On some other thread I told the story about the person who grabbed me from behind in a bar recently and told I was her future husband. I just really didn't care. It didn't flatter me, it didn't annoy or disgust or frighten me, the only thing I thought was that I wanted to handle the situation the way my wife would want me to handle it. Which I did. She only laughed when I told her about it. So that went as well as it could have.

There have been a few times when women complimenting my appearance really greatly improved my mood and self-esteem, but for some reason most of them don't have that effect.

 

[GuiltyCowboy]

And we have a term for people who expect you to change your behavior because some members of your demographic group are bad actors. We call it bigotry, and it's not acceptable

Scenario 1: a man with, to use the terminology of this thread, ulterior motives goes up to a beautiful women in the street and says ‘whoa, your bod looks sizzlin’ in that dress!’ (because that’s how bad guys talk). He wants to fuck her because that’ll make him feel great about himself but he doesn’t respect her enough to treat her like a 3-dimensional human being and that’s why he uses a compliment that focuses entirely on his own concerns: her physical attributes.

Scenario 2: another man - a good, decent man with no ulterior motives - goes up to a beautiful woman and he just wants to compliment her, make her feel good about herself, and so he also says ‘whoa, you look sizzling in that dress!’ He smiles and walks away. He even puts the final ‘g’ in ‘sizzling’, such is his decency.

I’d be inclined to suggest to that good, decent man that, if he’s really genuinely only interested in giving a compliment to make someone feel good about themselves, then that’s wonderful but there are ways of paying compliments without restricting himself to hot women and their physical attributes, and to avoid seeming like the man in scenario 1.

Now, here’s my argument: I really don’t think that making such a suggestion to our good, decent man would amount to bigotry.

In fact, I think he should be able to take the advice without throwing his hands in the air and saying ‘you’re not allowed to say *anything* any more! It’s so confusing!’

I’m really not trying to start a squabble here. I think we essentially agree. We all want more compliments being paid, I’m sure. I just think that we should be able to accept there’s a fundamental difference between giving a compliment because you’re making someone’s day and complimenting a beautiful woman’s looks because you want to feel good about getting her attention.

And if we can’t grasp that then I don’t know how we’ll progress to intermediate-level complimenting - which includes one of the key modules in this course ‘flirting without any intent to fuck’.

 

[AlexBailey]

This is an under appreciated aspect of this.
I was at lunch last week, guy standing in front of me just looked beat. Clearly having a rough day. I complimented him on his watch, and at least for a few minutes he was smiling.

I’ll often compliment someone’s braided hair, especially if it’s long and elaborately done. I like wearing braids but can’t braid my own hair to save my life. I’m usually jealous and often ask if they did it themselves.

There have been a few times where the situation was right and they offered to braid mine. It wasn’t an intentional ploy but I ended up married to one girl who did.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

When I was growing up, there was a phrase, ‘subway eyes’. One got onto a crowded subway car and spent the next half hour deliberately not seeing anybody, apparently because seeing them risked offending them.

In retrospect, I cannot conceive of a course of behaviour more calculated to have a negative impact on the world. Imagine a society where a key part of behaviour was the deliberate avoidance of social interaction. So sad.

Done properly, appropriately, compliments benefit both the giver and the receiver - psychologically, socially and even on a physiological level. Crude remarks, of course, are different and in some situations, nothing is appropriate, but being told something nice about oneself is, 95% of the time, is positive.

 

[big_cane_sugar]

Scenario 1: a man with, to use the terminology of this thread, ulterior motives goes up to a beautiful women in the street and says ‘whoa, your bod looks sizzlin’ in that dress!’ (because that’s how bad guys talk). He wants to fuck her because that’ll make him feel great about himself but he doesn’t respect her enough to treat her like a 3-dimensional human being and that’s why he uses a compliment that focuses entirely on his own concerns: her physical attributes.

Scenario 2: another man - a good, decent man with no ulterior motives - goes up to a beautiful woman and he just wants to compliment her, make her feel good about herself, and so he also says ‘whoa, you look sizzling in that dress!’ He smiles and walks away. He even puts the final ‘g’ in ‘sizzling’, such is his decency.

I’d be inclined to suggest to that good, decent man that, if he’s really genuinely only interested in giving a compliment to make someone feel good about themselves, then that’s wonderful but there are ways of paying compliments without restricting himself to hot women and their physical attributes, and to avoid seeming like the man in scenario 1.

Now, here’s my argument: I really don’t think that making such a suggestion to our good, decent man would amount to bigotry.

In fact, I think he should be able to take the advice without throwing his hands in the air and saying ‘you’re not allowed to say *anything* any more! It’s so confusing!’

I’m really not trying to start a squabble here. I think we essentially agree. We all want more compliments being paid, I’m sure. I just think that we should be able to accept there’s a fundamental difference between giving a compliment because you’re making someone’s day and complimenting a beautiful woman’s looks because you want to feel good about getting her attention.

And if we can’t grasp that then I don’t know how we’ll progress to intermediate-level complimenting - which includes one of the key modules in this course ‘flirting without any intent to fuck’.

I'm thinking that the compliment, "You look sizzling in that dress" could only be meant to suggest sexual/romantic interest. The guy in scenario 2 needs to choose a different compliment if that is not his intent. Also, any man leading with that line needs to be prepared for harsh rejection. She might like it (she might even like "Your body looks sizzlin' in that dress" depending on her situation her evaluation of the guy) and respond favorably, but she might tell him to get lost in very harsh terms, and if so he has no right to complain.

The reason I'd advise a guy with sexual/romantic interest to lead with something less brazen (i.e. "I noticed how pretty you are so I wanted to meet you") is in part because she will probably find it less offensive and so her rejection won't need to be as harsh, and in part because it gives a woman more time to decide whether she likes the guy. If "your bod looks sizzlin' in that dress" works, then "I noticed how pretty you are" is also going to work. If "I noticed how pretty you are" doesn't work, "your bod looks sizzlin' in that dress" was probably not going to work.

But no matter what, there is no foolproof guide to human behavior. We're too complex. A person can do a thing with purely benevolent intent and still offend someone. A person can do something that almost anyone would find offensive but someone out there will find it charmingly daring. A guy with enough "rizz" can charm a woman saying something another guy would never be able to pull off. A guy lacking rizz badly enough will struggle even to say innocuous things without seeming creepy. Each person is just going to have to go through life using trial and error.

The problem in general isn't that people are making honest mistakes but that too few people (men especially) make honest efforts.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

Scenario 1: a man with, to use the terminology of this thread, ulterior motives goes up to a beautiful women in the street and says ‘whoa, your bod looks sizzlin’ in that dress!’ (because that’s how bad guys talk). He wants to fuck her because that’ll make him feel great about himself but he doesn’t respect her enough to treat her like a 3-dimensional human being and that’s why he uses a compliment that focuses entirely on his own concerns: her physical attributes.

Scenario 2: another man - a good, decent man with no ulterior motives - goes up to a beautiful woman and he just wants to compliment her, make her feel good about herself, and so he also says ‘whoa, you look sizzling in that dress!’ He smiles and walks away. He even puts the final ‘g’ in ‘sizzling’, such is his decency.

I’d be inclined to suggest to that good, decent man that, if he’s really genuinely only interested in giving a compliment to make someone feel good about themselves, then that’s wonderful but there are ways of paying compliments without restricting himself to hot women and their physical attributes, and to avoid seeming like the man in scenario 1.

Now, here’s my argument: I really don’t think that making such a suggestion to our good, decent man would amount to bigotry.

In fact, I think he should be able to take the advice without throwing his hands in the air and saying ‘you’re not allowed to say *anything* any more! It’s so confusing!’

I’m really not trying to start a squabble here. I think we essentially agree. We all want more compliments being paid, I’m sure. I just think that we should be able to accept there’s a fundamental difference between giving a compliment because you’re making someone’s day and complimenting a beautiful woman’s looks because you want to feel good about getting her attention.

And if we can’t grasp that then I don’t know how we’ll progress to intermediate-level complimenting - which includes one of the key modules in this course ‘flirting without any intent to fuck’.

Not sure why you are so concerned about motives.
If one human being wants to say a kind thing to another human being why do we need to obsess over the motive?

Maybe his compliment is 100% sincere, maybe he's just trying to brighten someone's day so he feels good about himself.
Who cares?
As long as the interaction is polite and respectful it absolutely doesn't matter.

Is the person who's volunteering at a homeless shelter not doing good work and a valuable service because it makes her feel good about herself?

As to bigotry, other posters in this thread explicitly stated that the situation was the result of bad behavior by other men and if they had a problem take it up with those other men.
That's bigotry. You don't get to treat one member of a group poorly and justify it based on the behavior of other members of that group.
We should judge people as individuals.
If some guy compliments me with a sleezy lear, well that guy is a sleeze. That has no bearing at all on the next guy to say something to me.

 

[Milo9012]

If you’re the kind of man that likes to compliment a beautiful stranger on her looks, can I suggest a little experiment?

1. Next time you see a beautiful woman out in the world, leave her alone. Completely. Instead…
2. …approach a woman or a man nearby who you do not feel the need to engage with…
3. …take note of a *choice* they have made - a piece of clothing, a tattoo, a bag etc. - and not any physical attribute that they have had no control over (like their eyes or their smile).
4. Now say something like ‘Can I just say, that’s a very cool tattoo/bag/pair of shoes/whatever’.
5. They will likely be a little startled but then will also likely have the good grace to say ‘thanks!’
6. At this point, you can say ‘no problem, just wanted to say that, very cool’ and then you walk away. Walk away.

Now, to my mind, that’s a real compliment. You are spreading a little light into the world. If you’re genuine about wanting to give a compliment then that’s what it looks like, roughly.

In this scenario, you are not giving a ‘compliment’ in the hope the beautiful woman you are attracted to is going to think more positively about you or simply pay attention to you.

I realize this is teaching people to suck eggs but, well…

I know this thread was for compliments aimed at ladies, but those aimed at guys can be taken in squirrelly ways as well.

I've done this and got mixed responses.

I remember one occasion in particular when I heard a guy talking to someone in the best kind of NFL Films voice.

I politely excused myself in, and told him he had a great voice and he should audition for the voice slot of the recently open NFL Flims narrator (the longtime narrator had died).

He looked at me like I was crazy and just turned away. Too bad for him, he'd be on easystreet today if he had gone for it, his voice was that good.

That was one occasion, there were other times a compliment I gave brought bright smiles and happy thank you's, which made me feel happy in return.

 

[Erozetta]

I just think that we should be able to accept there’s a fundamental difference between giving a compliment because you’re making someone’s day and complimenting a beautiful woman’s looks because you want to feel good about getting her attention.

This is what makes the difference, and this is the ulterior motives I was talking about.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

This is what makes the difference, and this is the ulterior motives I was talking about.

So... don't say nice things to people if it makes you feel good too?

 

[big_cane_sugar]

Almost the only good thing about people is that sometimes doing something nice makes us feel good.

Of course humans being humans, often we do something that we can represent as nice even when we don't actually have nice intentions.

 

[GuiltyCowboy]

So... don't say nice things to people if it makes you feel good too?

No. Not really. My formulation would be ‘don’t pretend you’re sincerely giving a compliment when actually you’re just using the compliment to manipulate someone you find attractive into giving you their attention’.

Ultimately, it’s the difference between sincerity and manipulation.

And I suspect most people feel it’s not a real compliment unless it’s sincere.

It’s a given that the person paying the compliment will probably feel good about themselves for giving it. That’s not the issue.

 

[big_cane_sugar]

No. Not really. My formulation would be ‘don’t pretend you’re sincerely giving a compliment when actually you’re just using the compliment to manipulate someone you find attractive into giving you their attention’.

Ultimately, it’s the difference between sincerity and manipulation.

And I suspect most people feel it’s not a real compliment unless it’s sincere.

It’s a given that the person paying the compliment will probably feel good about themselves for giving it. That’s not the issue.

I'm wondering if you think it's a bad thing to want an attractive person's attention. If not, is giving them a polite compliment a bad way to try to get it?

I think you feel guilty about things that I don't feel guilty about. Of course I do plead guilty to some level of toxicity.

 

[Comshaw]

Tone is incredibly difficult to read over text so please know that my questions come from a place of genuine curiosity and desire for clarity and aren't meant to incite any sort of argument or be pointed and caustic.

Do you view paying women compliments on their looks as helping them in some way? Or is this a separate point you are trying to make? If the answer to the first question is 'yes', may I ask why you think so?

If you go back and read my posts you'll see I never compliment a female I don't know. Ever. The reasons are many but the main one is that I don't want to make her (or me when she brushes me off like a bit of dirt on her blouse) uncomfortable. I also pointed out that I offer to help (as in "I'll get that thing you wanted off the top shelf for you") sometimes with the hope of a smile. Not a demand, not an expectation, just a hope.

Now I do compliment women that I know. But the acquaintanceship needs to be well established before I will. And it's never sexual UNLESS our relationship has evolved into something where that is a part of it.

Did that make sense and clarify your inquiry?

Comshaw

 

[AlexBailey]

No. Not really. My formulation would be ‘don’t pretend you’re sincerely giving a compliment when actually you’re just using the compliment to manipulate someone you find attractive into giving you their attention’.

Ultimately, it’s the difference between sincerity and manipulation.

And I suspect most people feel it’s not a real compliment unless it’s sincere.

It’s a given that the person paying the compliment will probably feel good about themselves for giving it. That’s not the issue.

Doesn’t this all come down to perspective? And since you can’t control the other person’s perspective, doesn’t it take a certain level of conceit to even offer a compliment?

When you compliment a stranger they will process the situation from their own point of view, not yours. I think this scares the shit out of lots of good people, and unfortunately since many “good people” are too scared to speak for fear of coming across as offensive, it leaves it so a lot of compliments are only given by the IFGAF or the lewd crowd. And unfortunately, kindness doesn’t always correlate with good intentions.

I don’t blame someone for not wanting to let down their guard for a nicety from some random stranger. It only takes one bad experience to taint many potentially good ones. Still I think it makes the world a better place to be sincere and kind - even if you’re unsure you’ll be taken that way.


I keep coming back to The Four Agreements as person guidelines. I just wish I could live up to them better.

1. Be impeccable with your word.

2. Don’t take anything personally.

3. Don’t make assumptions.

4. Always do your best.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Four_Agreements

If everyone lived by this and with a value for kindness the world would be a much better and happier place.

 

[StillStunned]

If you go back and read my posts you'll see I never compliment a female I don't know. Ever.

I compliment females I don't know all the time. Usually they're cats, but still.