Ladies - do you like it when a stranger tells you that you are beautiful?

[Kelliezgirl]

But isn't it subjective? If you have a nice head of hair, some men are going to like it wild (think Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman" the first time she comes on screen with her red hair) some are going to love ponytails and still others love the fully groomed look of a half day in the hairdresser's chair. Me, I'm partial to the first two examples and find them much more attractive than the last one. But I've never been accused of being sophisticated.

Really how could you tell? Because they were male, huh? I hate to be the bearer of news buuuut...you're right. However, I don't think that every guy has the same expectations, the same ulterior motives. It's a sliding scale from hoping for a smile from you to a desire to get into your panties. And being a (married) guy I will bet most are going to be on the smile end of things. Not that the majority (depending on their attraction to you) won't think about the panty thing, but the vast majority will leave it at an unspoken and never pursued fleeting fantasy thought.

Men are men, but unlike how things have been framed recently (think bear vrs man), most are also good men. It doesn't mean they are flawless, only that they are at the core good people.

I've had this discussion with my son. He's a police detective in a small town. Unlike bigger departments, he isn't confined to one type of crime, but gets to investigate everything that needs it. That's all he sees every day, all day, bad people doing despicable things. After a while it begins to color and skew a person's view of the world and it appears that the world is ALL despicable people. It ain't true, but from his vantage point it appears to be true. The same can be said for assuming something about the world without proof. If you assume a thing for long enough there comes a time when your mind tells you it's true even though it might not be.

Edited to add: I would never compliment a woman I do not know. Any more a guy can get severely brow beat for doing such things, so I ain't a gunna do it for that reason. That is a shame because I've seen women I'd love to give a compliment to and maybe, if I were lucky, be the recipient of a genuine, pleased smile.


Comshaw

It's definitely subjective, that said, if you are complimenting my hair and I'm having a frizzy, frustrating hair day... intellectually I understand that that look might appeal to you and you are probably sincere, emotionally, in the moment when I'm frustrated and not feeling good about it... it can be hard to take.

 

[Comshaw]

It's definitely subjective, that said, if you are complimenting my hair and I'm having a frizzy, frustrating hair day... intellectually I understand that that look might appeal to you and you are probably sincere, emotionally, in the moment when I'm frustrated and not feeling good about it... it can be hard to take.

Peace and joy can be found almost anywhere (like an out-of-the-blue compliment) if you allow it. But the bolded is precisely why I don't do that kind of compliment. It's way too dangerous to my peace and joy.


Comshaw

 

[Kelliezgirl]

Peace and joy can be found almost anywhere (like an out-of-the-blue compliment) if you allow it. But the bolded is precisely why I don't do that kind of compliment. It's way too dangerous to my peace and joy.


Comshaw

Oh, I do understand that, and I appreciate the compliment. Just explaining that sometimes it's complicated.
I think it's unfortunate that people try to turn the kindness of a compliment into a negative.

 

[Erozetta]

Really how could you tell? Because they were male, huh? I hate to be the bearer of news buuuut...you're right. However, I don't think that every guy has the same expectations, the same ulterior motives. It's a sliding scale from hoping for a smile from you to a desire to get into your panties. And being a (married) guy I will bet most are going to be on the smile end of things. Not that the majority (depending on their attraction to you) won't think about the panty thing, but the vast majority will leave it at an unspoken and never pursued fleeting fantasy thought.

Because, in my experience, a compliment has never come without an extended communication that laid out their ulterior motive when it comes to guys complimenting me.

If women have had ulterior motives (and I'm sure some have) they've simply never voiced those motives to where I could hear them.

The ulterior motives of compliments have ranged from wishing other girls smiled as nicely as I did to someone wanting to pay me to let him cut me.

The thing is, that even on the "simple" end, no one knows what any other person is going through and not everyone has a reason to smile in their life. If you think more people should be smiling, then just smile. Chances are that will get better results than opining that people (women, because it's always women) don't smile enough.

What people who compliment my smile don't know is that smiling is a fear response for me. I smile and laugh when I'm deeply uncomfortable because I wasn't allowed to express anything but joy as a child and I still struggle to express upset. I don't consciously smile, I reflexively smile in discomfort because it's safer to smile than it is to not smile. That's not really something I want to be complimented on as it essentially becomes "Hey, your abuse has made you visually pleasant to be around and I wish more girls had been abused like you!" to my brain.

I know that's not the intent and I can separate my internalization of the compliment from the actual intent, but it definitely makes things extremely awkward and unpleasant for me because I can't instantly process that separation. And I don't expect anyone to read my mind and know my issues or change their behavior to accommodate my experiences. I just hope that people will give grace if a compliment isn't met with joyful praise immediately as sometimes we have to process it through a fucked up filter we never asked to have.




But here's a good rule of thumb for compliments: If you'd say it to someone of the same sex? Go for it, compliment away! If you wouldn't, why not? If it's merely meant as a compliment without ulterior motives (likely sexual motives in a fair amount of cases) why not brighten a random guy's day with the compliment instead?

 

[Comshaw]

Because, in my experience, a compliment has never come without an extended communication that laid out their ulterior motive when it comes to guys complimenting me.

If women have had ulterior motives (and I'm sure some have) they've simply never voiced those motives to where I could hear them.

The ulterior motives of compliments have ranged from wishing other girls smiled as nicely as I did to someone wanting to pay me to let him cut me.

The thing is, that even on the "simple" end, no one knows what any other person is going through and not everyone has a reason to smile in their life. If you think more people should be smiling, then just smile. Chances are that will get better results than opining that people (women, because it's always women) don't smile enough.

What people who compliment my smile don't know is that smiling is a fear response for me. I smile and laugh when I'm deeply uncomfortable because I wasn't allowed to express anything but joy as a child and I still struggle to express upset. I don't consciously smile, I reflexively smile in discomfort because it's safer to smile than it is to not smile. That's not really something I want to be complimented on as it essentially becomes "Hey, your abuse has made you visually pleasant to be around and I wish more girls had been abused like you!" to my brain.

I know that's not the intent and I can separate my internalization of the compliment from the actual intent, but it definitely makes things extremely awkward and unpleasant for me because I can't instantly process that separation. And I don't expect anyone to read my mind and know my issues or change their behavior to accommodate my experiences. I just hope that people will give grace if a compliment isn't met with joyful praise immediately as sometimes we have to process it through a fucked up filter we never asked to have.




But here's a good rule of thumb for compliments: If you'd say it to someone of the same sex? Go for it, compliment away! If you wouldn't, why not? If it's merely meant as a compliment without ulterior motives (likely sexual motives in a fair amount of cases) why not brighten a random guy's day with the compliment instead?

And that is why I'd NEVER compliment a woman I don't know. Way to damned many unknowns and pitfalls that could go from an attempt at being genuinely complimentary to making the day miserable for one or both parties. There are many ways it could play out, from those who fear what could be from a casual comment, to those who would (and want to be) combative about it. It's best to smile, at most nod, then move on.


Comshaw

 

[Kelliezgirl]

But here's a good rule of thumb for compliments: If you'd say it to someone of the same sex? Go for it, compliment away! If you wouldn't, why not? If it's merely meant as a compliment without ulterior motives (likely sexual motives in a fair amount of cases) why not brighten a random guy's day with the compliment instead?

Because man complimenting another man's appearance is a cultural grey area for a variety of reasons.

 

[WCSGarland]

Because man complimenting another man's appearance is a cultural grey area for a variety of reasons.

When I wear my t-shirt that says - "I don't know how to act my age because I've never been this age before" - I'm always ready for the guys to compliment and say they like the shirt.

 

[Erozetta]

Because man complimenting another man's appearance is a cultural grey area for a variety of reasons.

I didn't say anything about appearance in that statement.

 

[onehitwanda]

https://media1.tenor.com/m/dLBOigNcnLsAAAAd/kevin-can-f-himself-allison-mcroberts.gif

 

[AwkwardMD]

https://media1.tenor.com/m/dLBOigNcnLsAAAAd/kevin-can-f-himself-allison-mcroberts.gif

That
Show
Fucking
Ruled

 

[Kelliezgirl]

I didn't say anything about appearance in that statement.

True, but when we discuss complements in this context that is what is most commonly being referred to.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

When I wear my t-shirt that says - "I don't know how to act my age because I've never been this age before" - I'm always ready for the guys to compliment and say they like the shirt.

The goofy T-shirt exception to the rule?

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

When I wear my t-shirt that says - "I don't know how to act my age because I've never been this age before" - I'm always ready for the guys to compliment and say they like the shirt.

You'd be more likely to get those compliments if it was tight enough to show off your tits, oh wait.....

 

[NuclearFairy]

You'd be more likely to get those compliments if it was tight enough to show off your tits, oh wait.....

That might be why my SO gets more compliments on his shirts than me. Me wearing a cool shirt, no notice, him wearing a cool shirt, compliments from everyone.

Doesn't mean I don't wear tight shirts, I just usually only wear them around the house, usually when I feel like teasing him for hours, and the compliments I tend to get are pretty wordless or monosyllabic.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

Maybe the best and maybe the worst country song lyric .....


'If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?'

 

[WCSGarland]

You'd be more likely to get those compliments if it was tight enough to show off your tits, oh wait.....

Heh... my moobs are not my best feature, just sayin'

 

[WCSGarland]

The goofy T-shirt exception to the rule?

There's an exception for that?

 

[Kelliezgirl]

There's an exception for that?

Let's just go with, "of course there is."
Also an exception for anything that allows men to connect over a Fandom. "Cool Star Wars hat, bro!"
Stuff like that.

As opposed to, "that cornflower blue shirt really sets off your eyes Dale."
"Why thanks Fred, that belt you are wearing is simply divine."

 

[WCSGarland]

Let's just go with, "of course there is."
Also an exception for anything that allows men to connect over a Fandom. "Cool Star Wars hat, bro!"
Stuff like that.

As opposed to, "that cornflower blue shirt really sets off your eyes Dale."
"Why thanks Fred, that belt you are wearing is simply divine."

What about ties? Is there an exception for ties/neckties?

 

[Kelliezgirl]

What about ties? Is there an exception for ties/neckties?

I'll defer to the Gentlemen on that one. Although my brother has a pretty extensive tie collection, I think ANYONE noticing his tie is a win for him.

 

[Cagivagurl]

I was doing my thing of people-watching while waiting for my doctor's appointment (and boy, today was a 10 for fodder material), and the first event was this man telling a woman that she looked beautiful in that dress. She thanked the man and kept on her way. I think this dude was saying that as a line to ask her out. Clearly, timing and context matter, as well as what the person says. IMO, a woman wants to know that she's of value and inspires others (clearly, this doesn't apply to strangers). IMO, a woman has no control over her looks, but she does have control over how she presents herself, what value she adds to the table, and wants to be respected.

this is research for a female character that's at the C-Level

So the woman adds value if she presents herself to you in the way you like....
A typical male perspective...
She looks good when she puts on make up, wears clothes you think are sexy... It's just male ego driven fantasy... women are only sexy if they meet your requirements...
It totally ignores the actual value that that woman adds as part of her life. A mother... the good she offers as part of the community... Clubs, society's... Schools...
Value isn't added by how she looks (To you)...

Of course this is only my opinion

Cagivagurl

 

[Bramblethorn]

A good rule of thumb is to only give compliments that you would feel appropriate to give someone in a church.

Although "love the nails" is more appropriate when said to a woman than to Jesus.

 

[SilkyVine]

Although "love the nails" is more appropriate when said to a woman than to Jesus.

Im a bit slow — i pictured Jesus with absolute killer nails...

 

[Kelliezgirl]

Im a bit slow — i pictured Jesus with absolute killer nails...

Well....yeah...

 

[SilkyVine]

Well....yeah...

No one can out slay a roman I suppose