How NOT to Get Lit Laid- A Parody Thread

[AtramentousRex]

Fuck, I love this thread. You made my shitty day turn positive. If only a true Dom was here to put me in my place. I'd be happy to pop his back pimples.

Apologies, all but a couple of men here are just Beta Cucks. The others are liars. Good luck with your search!

 

[SimonSex]

Writing “lol” at the end of sentences in PM’s shows depth and inner security. Way hot.

Way.

 

[Hornymwtxn]

Writing “lol” at the end of sentences in PM’s shows depth and inner security. Way hot.

Way.

I think you forgot to end with a lol
Lol

 

[SimonSex]

I think you forgot to end with a lol
Lol

I did, but I was feeling kind of secure. Does that sound right to you? *cyber hair flip*

 

[MindYaBitness]

I did, but I was feeling kind of secure. Does that sound right to you? *cyber hair flip*

So hot, lol (obnoxiously smacks gum)

 

[SimonSex]

So hot, lol (obnoxiously smacks gum)

OMG

 

[Hornymwtxn]

Another tip
Lead with dick measurements. Length and girth, cut or uncut

 

[SimonSex]

Another tip
Lead with dick measurements. Length and girth, cut or uncut

Labia measurements do not go over so well….or so I have heard.

 

[TomTeacher19]

Another tip
Lead with dick measurements. Length and girth, cut or uncut

Make sure to multiple all measurements by at least five because woman can't possibly say no to a penis that size of a fire hydrant. The sheer thought of that being forced inside them is magic. And they can't do math either so when they finally see the real thing they won't realize you embellished.

 

[Qky75]

Labia measurements do not go over so well….or so I have heard.

 

[SimonSex]

Acceptable terms for phallus as a meat/fish product:
- sausage
- salami
- knockwurst
- trouser trout

Unacceptable terms for vagina as a meat/fish product:
- roast beef
- beef curtains
- pretty much any oceanic protein reference

LOL
OMG
Does that sound right? *cyber hair flip*
#Iamsogettingsometonight

 

[deft]

Another tip
Lead with dick measurements. Length and girth, cut or uncut

Seriously, I find it endlessly fascinating how Americans are so hung up on measurements in stories… every time it’s “8 inch” this or “36D” that…. interrupts the flow of every story they’re employed in

 

[barefootgirl69]

Make sure to multiple all measurements by at least five because woman can't possibly say no to a penis that size of a fire hydrant. The sheer thought of that being forced inside them is magic. And they can't do math either so when they finally see the real thing they won't realize you embellished.

You promised you'd never talk about my kinks to others! I'm devastated!

 

[MindYaBitness]

Seriously, I find it endlessly fascinating how Americans are so hung up on measurements in stories… every time it’s “8 inch” this or “36D” that…. interrupts the flow of every story they’re employed in

This brings up another great point: always ask her bra size. Even if you've seen her pics, knowing the exact size is extremely important and shows you are interested in her big set of personality. She'll love you for it.

 

[EvaLane]

This brings up another great point: always ask her bra size. Even if you've seen her pics, knowing the exact size is extremely important and shows you are interested in her big set of personality. She'll love you for it.

When they think all boobs are a C cup and have no idea what band size means

 

[Hornymwtxn]

Seriously, I find it endlessly fascinating how Americans are so hung up on measurements in stories… every time it’s “8 inch” this or “36D” that…. interrupts the flow of every story they’re employed in

So you prefer metric, noted and gotcha

 

[barefootgirl69]

Me next, me next!!!

Adding 500 of Lit's ladies to your "following" the very first day, even before you've posted.  Then, message each one and ask "What’s up? I'm new here, wanna chat?"

I guess it's the strategic way to do things. Like inviting people to a wedding. There's your A and B list, and if you invite 50, at least 1 is bound to show up.

 

[Qky75]

So you prefer metric, noted and gotcha

The title just doesn't roll off the tongue....2.463 Millimeters to Heaven.

 

[SimonSex]

This brings up another great point: always ask her bra size. Even if you've seen her pics, knowing the exact size is extremely important and shows you are interested in her big set of personality. She'll love you for it.

Can I get an Amen?!

 

[TomTeacher19]

When they think all boobs are a C cup and have no idea what band size means

I'm pretty sure you could write the letter of the size in sharpie on the boobs themselves and most of us would still not figure it out.

I am willing to have you all try this out to prove how bad we are at this.

 

[SimonSex]

A brief break in the action of the hottest thread du jour in praise of @AtramentousRex for creating a place where no one gets laid but everyone laughs and enjoys our camaraderie. Cheers!

 

[Qky75]

Remember that stud is completely clueless and needs constant reminding and mental gameplay to keep him trained. Filters are your friends! If you want space always remind him to talk to one of his many many other floozies - even the ones that don't exist.

 

[velona]

Can I get an Amen?!

AMEN

 

[Ratchetman1982]

When PMing someone, make sure to include your Call of Duty kill/death ratio. Women can't help but instantly blow someone over a 1.0.

 

[~Elizabeth~]

Fuck, I love this thread. You made my shitty day turn positive. If only a true Dom was here to put me in my place. I'd be happy to pop his back pimples.

That made me laugh and cringe at the same time, girl!