Wife is onboard… kind of

[DoItAgain1144]

Okay, so long story short I’ve been a dominant for years. Just until recently I thought there was something wrong with me. But there’s isn’t. All of these things are okay between two consenting adults.

Anyway. I have been writing her stories as a way to express my fantasies. She seems to be coming around to it. She’s certainly taking about sex with me more than we ever have. She read 50 shades and what she loved was Christian Grey’s attentiveness to her.

Okay. All that said. Orgasm denial. She’s open to the idea. She just doesn’t understand why it would be fun.

And I’m having trouble with how to explain it. It’s fun for me because I enjoy control. I get a lot of pleasure out of being in control. I get a lot of pleasure out of teasing. I get an incredible amount of pleasure out of pushing her to new heights. I know from the other women I’ve done it with that it can lead to some extremely intense orgasms. But I’m having trouble with the phrasing here. “Nah babe. All these other chicks loved it! You will too!!”

Anyway. I don’t know why it’s taken so long to go here in my marriage. So let’s just leave that alone.

But how do I explain the intensity she can feel when I take her hands away, take her to the edge over and over, make her beg, make her plead for it, and then I eventually bring her over the edge. I’ve done this before with other women. It’s just different when it’s my wife. Does that make sense? She’s not as experienced in this department. But she is okay to try new things.

Anyway. Advice on how to convince her that edging her half to death is going to be fun?

Here’s my draft. I’ll memorize it but then wing it after that.

“My love, I want to try something with you because I think it will make me feel even more connected to you, and help me learn you better. I want to watch how every part of your body responds to me… feel the way your muscles tighten… taste you as you get close. I want to look into your eyes when you’re right on the edge, then pull you back… and bring you right back there again.

While we do this, I want you to communicate with me. When you’re close, I want you to ask — so I can know you better, feel that trust between us. And when you finally let go, I hope it’s all the more intense because of the build-up.

It’s the anticipation, the ride we take together. I need you to trust me enough to savor it with me. Will you join me there?”

What do you think?

 

[MasterDarcy]

Just explain it to her as you have with this post. As you've written it well.

If she still doesn't get it, I'm afraid, she's vanilla. It's amazing that she's open to suggestion (please don't let her read "50 shades of grey." I got 40 pages in and wanted to kill myself) but if she doesn't get off on the idea, then it's dead in the water and you have to accept that she's vanilla and that she won't change.

Don't pressure her or rush her. If you're a good Dominant then you will guide her and mentor her. The key is communication. Explain things to her. Let her know that a D/s dynamic is about duality.

Ultimately, though, you have to respect her decision.

 

[DoItAgain1144]

Just explain it to her as you have with this post. As you've written it well.

If she still doesn't get it, I'm afraid, she's vanilla. It's amazing that she's open to suggestion (please don't let her read "50 shades of grey." I got 40 pages in and wanted to kill myself) but if she doesn't get off on the idea, then it's dead in the water and you have to accept that she's vanilla and that she won't change.

Don't pressure her or rush her. If you're a good Dominant then you will guide her and mentor her. The key is communication. Explain things to her. Let her know that a D/s dynamic is about duality.

Ultimately, though, you have to respect her decision.

Thanks. I will use what I wrote or something similar.

She read all 6 of the 50 shades books. lol. She did it one summer in like 3 weeks. She’s a voracious reader.

 

[seela]

Some thoughts from a woman really into orgasm denial.

If you’re not planning to do long(er) term denial from the get to, I don’t think calling it orgasm denial is a good idea. It makes it sound like you’re depriving her of something, so I understand why she would struggle to see the fun in that for her. If the plan is to give her the orgasms she likes when you have sex, just at a little later point of the sesh, maybe calling it just “teasing” or something instead of denial might work better.

I also question how much you’ll need to discuss this before doing. At the beginning the “denial” can be literally seconds or minutes. When she gets close, maybe tell her how much you love seeing her at the top of her excitement, just moments before she cums. That she looks so sexy when she is feeling so good. Try to prolong that edge a little bit, make her notice how good she feels just before having that orgasm. And then push her over the edge.

You can also have a discussion while you’re doing it and showing her what orgasm denial could be. Get her to describe how she’s feeling, maybe that’ll help her understand the appeal better. If you need some sort of a non-sexual comparison to help her see the point, maybe tell her it’s similar to when you’re cooking something you know will taste amazing. You’ll get to enjoy the aromas while it cooks and it’ll make your mouth salivate etc. And when you finally have the meal, the anticipation and care put into the cooking will make the meal taste even better.

If you’re into long(er) term denial, maybe leave that discussion until later point. Focus on talking about controlling her orgasms within each sex session first and really make it a point to tell her that you controlling her orgasms doesn’t mean she doesn’t get to have orgasms. For many women it can be difficult to cum for several reasons. The thought of having orgasms taken away might not sound too appealing.

Really, I can’t stress that enough. Make sure she understands you’re not thinking about taking away her orgasms, just rescheduling them a little.

 

[DoItAgain1144]

Some thoughts from a woman really into orgasm denial.

If you’re not planning to do long(er) term denial from the get to, I don’t think calling it orgasm denial is a good idea. It makes it sound like you’re depriving her of something, so I understand why she would struggle to see the fun in that for her. If the plan is to give her the orgasms she likes when you have sex, just at a little later point of the sesh, maybe calling it just “teasing” or something instead of denial might work better.

I also question how much you’ll need to discuss this before doing. At the beginning the “denial” can be literally seconds or minutes. When she gets close, maybe tell her how much you love seeing her at the top of her excitement, just moments before she cums. That she looks so sexy when she is feeling so good. Try to prolong that edge a little bit, make her notice how good she feels just before having that orgasm. And then push her over the edge.

You can also have a discussion while you’re doing it and showing her what orgasm denial could be. Get her to describe how she’s feeling, maybe that’ll help her understand the appeal better. If you need some sort of a non-sexual comparison to help her see the point, maybe tell her it’s similar to when you’re cooking something you know will taste amazing. You’ll get to enjoy the aromas while it cooks and it’ll make your mouth salivate etc. And when you finally have the meal, the anticipation and care put into the cooking will make the meal taste even better.

If you’re into long(er) term denial, maybe leave that discussion until later point. Focus on talking about controlling her orgasms within each sex session first and really make it a point to tell her that you controlling her orgasms doesn’t mean she doesn’t get to have orgasms. For many women it can be difficult to cum for several reasons. The thought of having orgasms taken away might not sound too appealing.

Really, I can’t stress that enough. Make sure she understands you’re not thinking about taking away her orgasms, just rescheduling them a little.

Thank you. This is really helpful.

We haven’t actually had a chance to discuss it face-to-face because she’s been traveling for work. But I like to write her little erotic stories while she’s traveling. And in one of them, I introduced the concept of orgasm denial by kind of just teasing her and bringing her the edge (in the story) a couple of times. Always we really had a chance to say is that she didn’t understand why the idea is pleasurable, but she’s not opposed to it outright.

Anyway, your advice on framing it is teasing and talking to her about how she feels while we are in the middle of it. It is great thank you very much.

Edit to add:

Yes, medium term Denial is something I would like to do with her. On the order of a couple of days. Not weeks. I’ll save that for much later once we’re comfortable with mid session teasing.

 

[Britva415]

how do I explain the intensity she can feel when I take her hands away, take her to the edge over and over, make her beg, make her plead for it, and then I eventually bring her over the edge. I’ve done this before with other women. It’s just different when it’s my wife. Does that make sense? She’s not as experienced in this department. But she is okay to try new things.

Anyway. Advice on how to convince her that edging her half to death is going to be fun?

Do it, and see if she finds it fun.

You can't make her enjoy it. It's a matter of taste. Just because other women have, doesn't mean she will. It's different with her because she's a different person.

But if you want her to experience it, do it, and she'll let you know if she's on board or not once you have controlled her orgasm and shown her what it's like.

What if she just doesn't? Would you still want to do it?

You have to be prepared for "experience" to not wind up leading her to where you want her to arrive.

 

[cascadiabound]

I think focusing on the teasing aspect is a good idea and getting her to agree to give up control to you about exactly when she gets to cum during a session. I don't think I would recommend introducing the idea of waiting even to the next day until she discovers she enjoys the roller coaster of being teased to the edge multiple times and having to wait until you let her cum.

You might also try having her masturbate for you with fingers or toys so you can watch her bring herself close- and then stop the stimulation when you say...at the point you can tell or she verbalizes that she is about to go over the edge.

There is something very delicious about the delayed gratification of orgasm. The analogy to a food treat is a good one, but other kinds of delayed gratification analogies may work better for her...the sweetness of knowing you will get the object of your desire but having to wait until it's time... like having to wait until Xmas morning for presents.

I think incorporating some element of mastubation, especially if you have periods of time away from each other for work or whatever can increase the impact of who gets to decide when she can orgasm. Bring asked/told to masturbate daily for a certain amount of time while not allowing myself to cum every day we are apart makes me much more aware of my sexual needs, makes me feel more sexy and my subby brain loves it because I'm thinking of him and what he wants and that I have to give my wishes over to his. An extended orgasm control (days/weeks) in this way amps me up and when we finally are together the orgasm he eventually allows is fucking fireworks.

Good luck.