Looking for actual feedback

GrantBricksly

Daddy Dom
Joined
Apr 3, 2014
Posts
600
So, some of you may know me, and may have even read some of my stories (maybe even the ones I'm about to mention in this post. But, here I am nonetheless.

For those that do not know, I am working on a series (to eventually become a full fledged book) currently titled "The Tales of Shoshana" While my original intent was to write this away from lit, and publish it as a book, I decided to put it here, at least for now, because I wanted to get some feedback.

Because of how long it will end up being in the long run (As of tomorrow morning (8/8/25) 7 Chapters and almost 70k words) I chose to put it in Novels and Novellas. As a result, While I am definitely getting views, I am NOT getting much in the way of feedback. I've gotten a grand total of 2 comments so far (only one of which was really of any use) and not a lot of votes either. Ch 1 has 59 votes, but everything else is sitting around 10-15 or lower.

So, I come to you, in this section of the forums, humbly requesting some feedback, be it good or bad, I simply hope for constructive feedback. I want to know if I am writing a compelling story or not.

Here is a synopsis:

The Tales of Shoshana

Shoshana Leafspire’s journey begins with a hidden door, a whisper of destiny, and the call of her god.
A newly devoted follower of Aaos, she seeks not only to master magic, but to prepare for the day she will search the world for Him—and the lost relics of His faith. Guided by the immortal mage Dak Helranth, Shana’s training sharpens her command of magic, and the subtle weavings of power, all in service of her greater quest.
Her nights, however, belong to seduction—where the warmth of friendship with Rae, a captivating dancer, and Nin, a steadfast blacksmith, deepens into passion.

Any feedback would be awesome, whether in the form of an email, comment here, or comments/votes on the story.
 
Just from the excerpt, I can tell you are not going to have the readership you want in Novels. For one, it is has few views. You need somebody into that fantasy stuff. When you start using other world names, and fantasy jargon,you have limited your readership down to those who like that stuff.
You might get a better readership in sci-fi where those people read.
I'd bet many of the views you got were simple clicks to see what the story was about, but they didn't read it.
 
Just from the excerpt, I can tell you are not going to have the readership you want in Novels. For one, it is has few views. You need somebody into that fantasy stuff. When you start using other world names, and fantasy jargon,you have limited your readership down to those who like that stuff.
You might get a better readership in sci-fi where those people read.
I'd bet many of the views you got were simple clicks to see what the story was about, but they didn't read it.
Yeah..I kind of figured I shot myself in the foot using that category. With the size of the story, I thought it was the best option...but now... Chapter 1 has a decent amount of views...and more votes than I anticipated...so that's something...
 
What other kinds of feedback did you want? I think you should ask readers for feedback at the beginning/end of your posts.
Well, mostly, I was hoping for feedback from people who actually read the story. Cause it's kind of pointless to try to critique something that you haven't actually read, and know literally nothing about....

But without carefully reading Ch 01 or reviewing the later chapters, I don't know how much of a "hook" your story has.
The story hook is pretty clear in the first chapter, or at least I think so. (that's kind of what I'm hoping readers will help let me know about. I think it's there...)

And correct me if I'm wrong, but in Ch 01 (about three pages) there's on masturbation scene and one sex scene. And that's fine and other stories have this ratio (or less),
Every chapter (with the exception of ch 4) has a pretty significant sex scene. And They are anything but vanilla. I may not go hardcore BDSM (yet) but that's why I didn't post in any BDSM categories.

I took a peek at Ch 02 and I had to go back a re-read the end of Ch 01. I didn't get the impression that she ended Ch 01 in an orgasm, but Ch 02 starts with: "Shoshana's breath caught--not just from the pleasure still buzzing through her limbs..." I thought that was not a welcoming way to start Ch 02 and it made me wonder why you decided to break up those chapters that way.
If you had actually READ ch. 1 you would have seen that ch 1 ended with a sex scene, and then a some conversation. The last bit, was a question. That question is what makes Shoshana's breath catch....the "pleasure she was still buzzing from" is the sex they just had. You probably missed that when you were not READing the chapter.

Or the hook is her downfall (and the mother's never mentioned, so maybe the mother is already a follower of Aaos?).
It's very clearly stated that her mother died when she was young. And also that Aaos is a god who has fallen out of favor with the other gods, and who's followers have waned in numbers. So the likelihood that she would have been a follower doesn't make sense, especially given the context. But of course, you probably missed all of that when you weren't READING the chapter...

it made me wonder why you decided to break up those chapters that way.
I'm guessing most of the books you've 'read' you've read the same way you 'read' my story? This is (in my experience) a fairly typical way to end/break up a chapters. it leaves it on a bit of a cliff hanger, keeping you enticed, wanting to move on to the next...

I'm sorry to anyone who thinks this comes off as rude, or defensive. I really DO want feedback. But feedback has to be real. And you cannot give real feedback, if you haven't actually read the story. If you skimmed over it and decided it wasn't for you, I have no issue with that. But just say that and move on. Don't try to critique the story based on zero knowledge about the story.
The only useful thing you said was about the category. However, That's already been said/discussed, so even that was kind of pointless.

I may change categories... But if I do, it will be not for future chapters, it will be for all of them. I'll move the entire thing from start to finish.
 
GrantBricksly You're welcome? We may have detected the reason you don't get much feedback...
If you are about to blame my lack of feedback on my reaction to you, go ahead, but it's not accurate.

My reaction to your 'feedback' is based solely on the fact that you didn't actually read the story, by your own admission. If you had actually read it, and then gave feedback, good or bad, I would have zero issues. Tear my piece to part if it has problems, please tell me. But don't tell me it has problems, if you haven't even bothered to read it.
 
@GrantBricksly your point-by-point rebuttal included ad hominem attacks. Don't beg for feedback on your boring story and then attack someone who's trying to help you.

I don't mean to be mean, but I did carefully read and re-read parts of your boring story and made comments. And I'd like to point out that you criticized and dismissed those points as well. I honestly don't know what you want. Maybe you shouldn't ask for feedback?
 
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@GrantBricksly your point-by-point rebuttal included ad hominem attacks. Don't beg for feedback on your boring story and then attack someone who's trying to help you.
I haven't attacked anyone trying to help. I attacked someone who pretended to help. You never read the story. You said so yourself. If you thought it was boring, that's fine. To boring to read, fine. I'm good with that too. But that is literally as far as you are capable of going. You did not read the story, you do not have the ability to critique something you have not read. That would be like me trying to critique how you are dressed right now. I haven't got any right, or factual basis to do so.

If you would like to critique my story, I'd love to hear some feedback from you. But, you'll have to actually read it first.

I've never once responded negatively or aggressively to REAL feedback, regardless of whether it was good or bad. The problem here is not me.

Again, if you just didn't like what you saw...then that's fine, move on. But why try to critique it, when you have nothing of value to add?
 
Well, @GrantBricksly, now that you've clarified your totally reasonable position that all feedback that you approve of will be verry welcome, I'm looking forward to the FLOOD of feedback you'll be getting on your boring 70K story.

Glad I could help you out.
 
Well, @GrantBricksly, now that you've clarified your totally reasonable position that all feedback that you approve of will be verry welcome, I'm looking forward to the FLOOD of feedback you'll be getting on your boring 70K story.

Glad I could help you out.
I'm sorry, are you implying that it is unreasonable of me to want feedback from people who READ my story?

Is that REALLY your stance here? I am being unreasonable because I want people to read my story? you do realize...this site is literally all about...writing, and READING stories....right?
 
@GrantBricksly , apology accepted.

And to clarify, you're extremely unreasonable to beg for feedback and then turn it into a debate with personal attacks.
 
@GrantBricksly , apology accepted.

And to clarify, you're extremely unreasonable to beg for feedback and then turn it into a debate with personal attacks.
One: I never begged. I simply requested.
Two: You are the one who didn't bother to read the story.
Three: I didn't, and have no intention of apologizing to you. My anger and annoyance with you was 1,000% justified.
Four: I am now done with you. You are not worth my time anymore.
 
Since you've apologized and we're buds now, let's have a do-over on my review. (I'm being sincere).

@GrantBricksly, your Tales of Shoshana series was on my "read later" list so I'm pleased to be able to provide feedback. I started with chapter 1 and read as much as I could, but I'll be honest: I was bored. I know that's hard to read, but I think you need to work on pacing and add more of a "hook" near the beginning I think your writing is really good on a micro level (spelling, grammar, etc. was perfect). I also think some people will be drawn to the fantasy elements if you post in the "Sci-Fi & Fantasy" category. I hope this helps.
 
I tried reading episode 1 and it’s not very good.
The story is dull and unoriginal, there is no hook and the characters are not developed enough to care about.
The writing, punctuation and grammar are poor and the style inconsistent. You frequently start sentences with conjunctions and put commas in at seemingly random places. You seem to try to strike a tone as if recounting a saga then drop in a lazy phrase that I suspect you think is a killer line “silence echoed louder than the choirs’ songs” for example, which kills any mood or sense of grandeur that may be developing

Of course, the following episodes may be up there with Tolkien and Ursula K LeGuinn but I for one will never know because I don’t care enough to want to find out.
 
I tried reading episode 1 and it’s not very good.
The story is dull and unoriginal, there is no hook and the characters are not developed enough to care about.
The writing, punctuation and grammar are poor and the style inconsistent. You frequently start sentences with conjunctions and put commas in at seemingly random places. You seem to try to strike a tone as if recounting a saga then drop in a lazy phrase that I suspect you think is a killer line “silence echoed louder than the choirs’ songs” for example, which kills any mood or sense of grandeur that may be developing

Of course, the following episodes may be up there with Tolkien and Ursula K LeGuinn but I for one will never know because I don’t care enough to want to find out.
Thank you for your feedback. I am sorry you did not enjoy it.
 
So, after multiple comments, I am editing my first chapter. I have re-written the beginning to move the hook (which was a little bit later in the chapter) to be at the very beginning. Not sure when I'll have that edit uploaded. But keep the constructive feedback coming!
 
Ok, right off the bat, without even reading your story; this might be relevant, since we are talking about a mammoth project (novel) that will need to hook readers in and require marketing one day:

What is your hook? Because from the description, I'm not really seeing it.

I learn that we are talking about a world of magic and mysteries, and very likely romance. Neat. Thing is, there are millions of stories like that.

You talk about a hidden magic god - why should that thing be found? Will it save the world, or destroy it?

Your prota wants to master magic - why? Is she trying to wake that god because she is CRAZY, a dead-eyed fanatic, or because she genuinely wants to do good? Or is she just a selfish, hypocritical opportunist?

Your prota got love interests - is that conflicting with her goals? In support of them?

And no, you don't get to say "just read the story" - the hook and central conflicts should be something you always have in mind and be ready to blow out at any occasion. Especially when you are first trying to draw someone's attention to it.

That's my perception as a reader, anyhow.

Remember your medium - in an erotic fantasy comic, readers can skim the text and look at the pretty pictures to decide whether this is promising. A novel however is WORK. A reader must dig into it, chew it, digest it and for that, they must be pulled in.
Even the most bare-bones description should ideally be a question which the readers wants an answer to.
Keeping that at the front of your mind should be very valuable with a megaproject like this.

If you were able to condense your above description into a literotica one-liner that draws in crowds, respect. From the paragraph, I'm not yet seeing it. It demonstrates worldbuilding, but not yet storytelling.

Either way, I'll see where you are going with this!
 
Ok, right off the bat, without even reading your story; this might be relevant, since we are talking about a mammoth project (novel) that will need to hook readers in and require marketing one day:

What is your hook? Because from the description, I'm not really seeing it.

I learn that we are talking about a world of magic and mysteries, and very likely romance. Neat. Thing is, there are millions of stories like that.

You talk about a hidden magic god - why should that thing be found? Will it save the world, or destroy it?

Your prota wants to master magic - why? Is she trying to wake that god because she is CRAZY, a dead-eyed fanatic, or because she genuinely wants to do good? Or is she just a selfish, hypocritical opportunist?

Your prota got love interests - is that conflicting with her goals? In support of them?

And no, you don't get to say "just read the story" - the hook and central conflicts should be something you always have in mind and be ready to blow out at any occasion. Especially when you are first trying to draw someone's attention to it.

That's my perception as a reader, anyhow.

Remember your medium - in an erotic fantasy comic, readers can skim the text and look at the pretty pictures to decide whether this is promising. A novel however is WORK. A reader must dig into it, chew it, digest it and for that, they must be pulled in.
Even the most bare-bones description should ideally be a question which the readers wants an answer to.
Keeping that at the front of your mind should be very valuable with a megaproject like this.

If you were able to condense your above description into a literotica one-liner that draws in crowds, respect. From the paragraph, I'm not yet seeing it. It demonstrates worldbuilding, but not yet storytelling.

Either way, I'll see where you are going with this!
You are absolutely correct. And as mentioned above, I am doing some editing to adjust my "hook."
My comment about "just read it" was specifically to the one person who chose to only skim, and not read, but then decided they somehow knew enough about the story to dissect it and try to critique it. If you haven't read it, you can't truly do that. That was my only point. I have no issue with the idea that someone didn't read the story. I have no issues with the idea that someone found the "hook" to be boring enough that they did not WANT to read the story. But trying to critique a story you haven't read is neither helpful, or constructive. And I am here for constructive criticism. Tell me it sucks, tell me it's good. Tell me where to improve. But you need to have actually read it in order to say more than "I couldn't get past the beginning, because it just didn't grab my attention. after that i just had to skim" THAT...that would have been an appropriate and helpful critique.

Like I said, I am editing, and adjusting the hook. I think I've got it better now. I've made a few other changes as well. And am now going through subsequent chapters and making edits. So hopefully with continued feedback, not only will the story get better, but so too will my writing skills.
 
You are absolutely correct. And as mentioned above, I am doing some editing to adjust my "hook."
My comment about "just read it" was specifically to the one person who chose to only skim, and not read
Actually, I didn't even read the previous conversations. My remark wasn't in critique to anything you had actually said, but just to illustrate how first impressions are non-negotiable!
 
Fair enough. :) Either way your point was well made, and i appreciate it. My 'short description' above is probably not the best...I struggle with those...cause there is so much I WANT to tell about the story...I can never figure out what i should or shouldn't disclose in the summary. I'll work on that.
 
What is the central conflict? I couldn't tell. Something about the god she's chosen to worship?

A pretty standard bit of advice is to start your story just before something interesting happens. What you have for your beginning should all be spooned out gradually as the interesting stuff happens. For a beginning, hit us with an interesting scene that hints at the central conflict.
 
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