Unmatched Libidos

[alwaysdying]

Fellow readers, I’ve lurked on these forums for over 20 years. I’ve been content to keep things to myself all those years, but now I’ve got something I need to get off my chest.

I’ve been married to an amazing woman for 21 years, and we have 7 kids together. Over the years I’ve seen our sex lives change, evolve, ebb and flow. When we first got married we were 1-2 times per day people, up until the birth of our first child. Things slowed down a bit for a while, but picked right back up again after about 6 months.

After several of the kids, we went for long stretches where I felt unwanted, and sex became maybe once a month.
Therapy helped us through that, and I understand now that it’s a pretty common story when the kids are little.

Now 21 years later, things have taken a turn for the strange. These days, we still have sex 2-3 times per week, but I always have to initiate. Once things get going she’s into it, and has told me so. But she has no drive or desire for sex unless I’m starting the foreplay. If left to her own devices, I honestly think we’d only do it maybe once a month.

I also do all the work during sex. It’s my fingers, my tongue, etc. She prefers to relax and let me do whatever, sometimes even reading a book while I play to the point of getting her off. Once she cums, she actually wants PIV sex, but it’s still me on top taking the active role. She may cum again, she may not. But at that point once I’m done, we’re done. Usually we go directly to sleep.

I think the last time I got a handy was probably two years ago, and the last blowjob was 6 years ago. There’s nothing spontaneous or exciting about our sex life.
I still desire her and have no intention of looking elsewhere, and have made the best of things. I’ve even come to realize I’ve got a bit of a kink for being ignored. Pleasing her while she’s reading a book or playing a game on her phone until she cums is something I enjoy… but I don’t want it to be that way all the time. I want to be desired, lusted after. I want her to jump me spontaneously like she used to years ago. I keep looking for that “I want you NOW” look in her eyes, and I just don’t see it. I miss it.

I’m not sure if I want advice or support, but I just wanted to put it all out there in case someone else is in a similar spot.
She and I have good communication, and we’ve discussed this, but neither of us has any thoughts on how to make things different. We’re older, we’ve changed, and maybe that’s just life now. I wouldn’t trade her for anything. She’s my best friend in the entire world and the only woman I love. And if things never change, I’ll be content. But a guy can dream, right?

 

[Shaglus_Ziegler]

Ya man. I think the times are crazy and as the women, not all, get older they just don’t think about it like we do. I just want to get freakier and freakier, adventure and exploration. We have sex 5-7 times a week and my wife gets very wet and will entertain my fantasies I talk about but rarely instigates them. So much to do so little time!! I know I get more loving than anyone i know but…. I want so much more! Lol. Poor me. I also have many bisexual desires that she knows about and has helped me with some of them but I always have to instigate. I’m pretty calm about it all and have been focusing on gratitude for all I have and not being a little baby. As men it’s our job to light our ladies up. I’m fixing to get her as wild as I can, let her loose from her mind and get her into her delicious body! Cheers

 

[StrongMaster7]

None of this sounds too strange to me. When you were first married it was 1-2 time PER DAY?!?!?!? Wow. I’d give my right arm to experience that for a week.

When my wife and I were dating and even up until we got married we would have sex whenever we were together, but that was typically only once a day over a weekend. Once we were married, I remember very clearly one night after we got back from the honeymoon, and got back into our regular work-week, I asked her if we were going to have sex that night and she said no. She told me then that sex was not very important to her and she didn’t crave it ever. From then until now, 40+ years, it’s been once a week for 15-20 minutes and the menu of activities is limited. We 69 with her on top. I make her come and she sucked my cock, but never to orgasm. Then we have PIV sex, usually her on top, sometimes with me on top, and rarely from behind. Full stop.

I honestly can’t recall if she has ever given me a blowjob to completion. Certainly not since marriage. And it has always been very much the same every time with very little variation. I used to initiate or try to more than once a week. I got tired of hearing her say no. So, I told her that I wanted sex every day, but I knew she didn’t. I told her I would stop asking for it because I hate hearing her say no. So now I wait and wait until if I’m lucky she will finally say, on Sunday morning, let’s have some ‘together time’ later at 6:30pm. Then we have our 15 minutes just like always.

I love my wife and would never cheat. My wife is very sexy to me and I enjoy our brief, but limited sex. I masturbate to porn every day. I am sure she does not want to know.

 

[Shaglus_Ziegler]

None of this sounds too strange to me. When you were first married it was 1-2 time PER DAY?!?!?!? Wow. I’d give my right arm to experience that for a week.

When my wife and I were dating and even up until we got married we would have sex whenever we were together, but that was typically only once a day over a weekend. Once we were married, I remember very clearly one night after we got back from the honeymoon, and got back into our regular work-week, I asked her if we were going to have sex that night and she said no. She told me then that sex was not very important to her and she didn’t crave it ever. From then until now, 40+ years, it’s been once a week for 15-20 minutes and the menu of activities is limited. We 69 with her on top. I make her come and she sucked my cock, but never to orgasm. Then we have PIV sex, usually her on top, sometimes with me on top, and rarely from behind. Full stop.

I honestly can’t recall if she has ever given me a blowjob to completion. Certainly not since marriage. And it has always been very much the same every time with very little variation. I used to initiate or try to more than once a week. I got tired of hearing her say no. So, I told her that I wanted sex every day, but I knew she didn’t. I told her I would stop asking for it because I hate hearing her say no. So now I wait and wait until if I’m lucky she will finally say, on Sunday morning, let’s have some ‘together time’ later at 6:30pm. Then we have our 15 minutes just like always.

I love my wife and would never cheat. My wife is very sexy to me and I enjoy our brief, but limited sex. I masturbate to porn every day. I am sure she does not want to know.

Tough but way to honor your vows. I had another marriage where it was very sporadic. Glad that is over a long while ago. Cheers man.

 

[chapter6plan]

I can relate to the OPs current situation. My wife has no interest and I do all the work when we have sex. But we don't talk about it because she is embarrassed to talk about sex. We haven't had sex in maybe two years. So I spend my time on Lit and live vicariously through all of you. Occasionally, I get an opportunity to play with another guy. Yes, this is not fair to her, I know. I have no desire to find another woman - maybe because I imagine the sex would be the same. I want a partner that is enthusiastically all over me.

 

[LMWM321]

Now 21 years later, things have taken a turn for the strange. These days, we still have sex 2-3 times per week, but I always have to initiate. Once things get going she’s into it, and has told me so. But she has no drive or desire for sex unless I’m starting the foreplay. If left to her own devices, I honestly think we’d only do it maybe once a month.

Does your wife miss being more lustful - does she also want to enjoy more sex and better sex? Also, is she menopausal?

If so, it may be worth her talking to her OBGYN about having her testosterone checked. ..Yes, women have testosterone - about 1/10th the amount of men - and just as it does in men, it plays a major role in libido AND and sexual functioning (achieving orgasm, lubricating, etc..). If her testosterone is truly low, then TRT might help. ..Not every women should be on testosterone replacement therapy (there are risks), but there are some who can benefit. Rena Malik, MD (A board certified Urologist and Pelvic Surgeon) has a video series on YouTube and 1 or 2 of the videos address Testosterone for women. And she approaches these discussions from a very evidence-based perspective, with safety front and center. It may be worth watching...

Also.. Her OBGYN needs to be empathetic to her situation and determined to help her. ..Not all will feel this way. Some might say, "well, that's what happens when you get older - just get used to it, it's not like you need to have sex anymore." ..Kinda like one orthopedic doctor who might tell a guy with a bad rotator cuff, "Well, quit golfing, it's bad for shoulders..." whereas another will say, "Well, golf is important to you, so let's see what we can do to get you back to golfing!"