Anyone else feel trapped in your marriage?

[Solsurfer]

Do you “ really “ want to leave though or do you just want her to listen and act on what you’re saying to her ? I’m sorry , you’re right, rough is putting it mildly.
Crying definitely can be manipulating . If I do cry it’s when I’m alone and rarely .

Probably 80% listen and act vs 20% really leave.
And I’m sorry, I wasn’t saying that your crying is manipulative, I was talking about my wife. If I share my feelings and she starts crying, then I’m comforting her and apologizing for my feelings. So I don’t share much anymore. Super difficult.
I wish you all the best.

 

[LovelyLadyBits]

Probably 80% listen and act vs 20% really leave.
And I’m sorry, I wasn’t saying that your crying is manipulative, I was talking about my wife. If I share my feelings and she starts crying, then I’m comforting her and apologizing for my feelings. So I don’t share much anymore. Super difficult.
I wish you all the best.

That’s ok, I knew you didn’t .

 

[Chilllax]

I’ve been married to a man that I never wanted to marry for 30 miserable years. Why you ask ? Because I was pregnant and wanted to do the right thing. After child # 2 came along 2 yrs later I never had sex with him again. For 26 yrs we didn’t have sex ! I couldn’t stand the thought of him touching me. Our second child was born very sick so it was a convenient excuse not to . He never tried to, never asked why,just accepted it. I actually wish he would’ve asked for a divorce then I would’ve been forced to figure out how to go it alone with 2 little ones ( one severely sick). Instead I spent 30 years unhappy, unsatisfied, and lonely. We have nothing in common. We do nothing together. We barely talk and only when necessary. I did step outside our marriage for maybe a year because I couldn’t stand it anymore after 26 yrs of no sex.
What I wouldn’t give to go back and do it differently. Found a way to keep working and supporting myself . Instead I gave up my job to care for our son and haven’t worked in 30 years .
I want out and think about it everyday but I don’t know how . It’s like I’m frozen in place.
I’m sorry for the pity party. I just needed to vent.

Really sad to read this @LovelyLadyBits . I don't think I can tell you whether you should leave or not. Each person's situation is different. But regardless, what can do is do things that bring you joy, maybe even learn something new. A bit of distraction with doing things that you might enjoy, might ease the pain a bit.

And as hard as it might be, the right thing IMHO, is to share your thoughts and feelings with your husband. Nothing may come of it but at least he knows and it's out there. You may find yourself less suffocated.

Sending you loads of support and positive vibes!

 

[FireStarter6]

Great book but it doesn't help if the spouse won't read it. I know, it took my wife 6 months to read it obviously telling her we were in trouble didn't sink in.
Long story short once she got scared enough to read it she told me your love tank is empty isn't it. I said bone dry and she started to cry. She said that sucks because mine is full.

I’d asked my husband what his love language was and he told me he was dead inside.

 

[LovelyLadyBits]

Really sad to read this @LovelyLadyBits . I don't think I can tell you whether you should leave or not. Each person's situation is different. But regardless, what can do is do things that bring you joy, maybe even learn something new. A bit of distraction with doing things that you might enjoy, might ease the pain a bit.

And as hard as it might be, the right thing IMHO, is to share your thoughts and feelings with your husband. Nothing may come of it but at least he knows and it's out there. You may find yourself less suffocated.

Sending you loads of support and positive vibes!

Ty, that’s very good advice ! Something worth considering. At least the “ learning something new” part. Maybe it’s time to take that concealed carry class I’ve been wanting to do !

 

[Chilllax]

Ty, that’s very good advice ! Something worth considering. At least the “ learning something new” part. Maybe it’s time to take that concealed carry class I’ve been wanting to do !

Thank you. And absolutely do something for yourself! You have put others before you and perhaps it's time to focus on yourself. Rooting for you!

 

[SirSparky]

So sorry to hear this. Its hard when you feel trapped and think there is no way out agter so long. You will find the strength and the courage to move on. You have been a good mother to your kids, especially when one is sickly. You did what you had to do and thought what was right at the time.

Hope everything works out for you

 

[MaturemanAJ]

I’d asked my husband what his love language was and he told me he was dead inside.

Did the conversation go any further?
I guess to a degree when you know your marriage has fallen apart and there isn't any love left or you feel there isn't I could see that statement being used.
He obviously has read the book to even know what a love language is. I never did till I read the book.
My story about this is long and obviously it never stops if you are trying to stay together

 

[Britva415]

I don't feel trapped now but I have in the past. Things got un-stuck and are fine now, but feeling trapped would not have kept me from getting out.

 

[LovelyLadyBits]

It's good to vent your feelings - maybe you're not able to do so in real life to anybody else? Telling others if your situation & feelings can act as a small relief.

I'm in a similar sexless, intimacy-free marriage but without your added complication of a very sick child. I know the pyschological effect of years of no intimacy which in itself is difficult and eats away at your confidence. It's not an unusual scenario, on these forums so I expect many have an understanding and sympathy for your particular situation

Unfortunately, it often falls to the woman in a marriage to be the main carer which, in your situation, is even more unfair. Does he help in the physical/medical care of the child?

It's a very difficult situation you are in.

Thank you. He does to a point. I had him takeover my son’s bath duties once he entered high school. That helps a lot. Otherwise he’s clueless about things until I give him a task to do. It gets annoying considering I’ve been doing this for 28 years and he acts oblivious to what needs to be done.

 

[y=mx+b]

No. Not at all.
It's been pretty great.

Thanks for asking

 

[live4thebj]

Well if I was in Texas and single I would reach out.

 

[flameinsidesoul]

I’ve been married to a man that I never wanted to marry for 30 miserable years. Why you ask ? Because I was pregnant and wanted to do the right thing. After child # 2 came along 2 yrs later I never had sex with him again. For 26 yrs we didn’t have sex ! I couldn’t stand the thought of him touching me. Our second child was born very sick so it was a convenient excuse not to . He never tried to, never asked why,just accepted it. I actually wish he would’ve asked for a divorce then I would’ve been forced to figure out how to go it alone with 2 little ones ( one severely sick). Instead I spent 30 years unhappy, unsatisfied, and lonely. We have nothing in common. We do nothing together. We barely talk and only when necessary. I did step outside our marriage for maybe a year because I couldn’t stand it anymore after 26 yrs of no sex.
What I wouldn’t give to go back and do it differently. Found a way to keep working and supporting myself . Instead I gave up my job to care for our son and haven’t worked in 30 years .
I want out and think about it everyday but I don’t know how . It’s like I’m frozen in place.
I’m sorry for the pity party. I just needed to vent.

There’s no pity in your words, just truth. Raw, heavy, aching truth that many feel but rarely say aloud. Reading your post felt like watching someone open a window in a room that’s been locked for decades, letting in light, finally, even if it burns a little.

You didn’t fail. You chose survival. You carried sick babies, loneliness, and silence for 30 years and never collapsed under it. That’s not weakness. That’s endurance most people can’t fathom. But here’s the thing: the part of you that’s frozen? That’s not fear. That’s just exhaustion pretending to be fear. The real you, the one that dreamed of a different life, the one that still wants, she’s not gone. She’s just buried under decades of sacrifice.

You’re not starting from zero. You’re starting from experience. From grit. From a woman who knows what she doesn’t want and who deserves, finally, to have a life where her body, her voice, her joy isn’t optional.

So ask yourself this: If you were free, just you, on your own—what’s the first thing you’d do that’s entirely, selfishly, gloriously yours?

Start there. We’re listening.

—Flame

Not here to judge. Just here to remind you: it’s not too late to belong to yourself.

 

[Britva415]

Breaking up hurts for a while

Abiding in a painful marriage hurts forever

 

[LovelyLadyBits]

There’s no pity in your words, just truth. Raw, heavy, aching truth that many feel but rarely say aloud. Reading your post felt like watching someone open a window in a room that’s been locked for decades, letting in light, finally, even if it burns a little.

You didn’t fail. You chose survival. You carried sick babies, loneliness, and silence for 30 years and never collapsed under it. That’s not weakness. That’s endurance most people can’t fathom. But here’s the thing: the part of you that’s frozen? That’s not fear. That’s just exhaustion pretending to be fear. The real you, the one that dreamed of a different life, the one that still wants, she’s not gone. She’s just buried under decades of sacrifice.

You’re not starting from zero. You’re starting from experience. From grit. From a woman who knows what she doesn’t want and who deserves, finally, to have a life where her body, her voice, her joy isn’t optional.

So ask yourself this: If you were free, just you, on your own—what’s the first thing you’d do that’s entirely, selfishly, gloriously yours?

Start there. We’re listening.

—Flame

Not here to judge. Just here to remind you: it’s not too late to belong to you.

Ty so much . Your words really touched my heart.

 

[ScorpioRising71]

I’m sorry. It’s such a lonely existence. Mine hasn’t touched me, hugged me, complimented me or anything else most of our marriage. Mind you i started that ball rolling but it still sucks. I don’t want his affection but I want it from someone that cares.
I’m glad you’ve found someone regardless of where , if they make you feel cared about

I feel the same, my wife ignores me, never thanks me when I try and do something nice for her, I always get yelled at if I make the slightest mistake or do something she doesn’t like. We have never been on the same page with our kids and I feel like she has no respect at all for me. She spends our money freely and when I try and buy something for myself I get the third degree and made to feel guilty about it. We haven’t had sex in 15 years and she literally just rolls away from me when I touch her., But I also stay for the kids and because I have nowhere else to go and no access to money to get there anyway.

I lover her, and hate her at the same time, and sometimes I just park the car on the way home and sit because I don’t have the emotional strength to face her

 

[SirSparky]

I feel the same, my wife ignores me, never thanks me when I try and do something nice for her, I always get yelled at if I make the slightest mistake or do something she doesn’t like. We have never been on the same page with our kids and I feel like she has no respect at all for me. She spends our money freely and when I try and buy something for myself I get the third degree and made to feel guilty about it. We haven’t had sex in 15 years and she literally just rolls away from me when I touch her., But I also stay for the kids and because I have nowhere else to go and no access to money to get there anyway.

I lover her, and hate her at the same time, and sometimes I just park the car on the way home and sit because I don’t have the emotional strength to face her

I feel for you, thays how my marriage ended up. We had been together since 15 and after 30 years ot was just hownyiu described. I could never do anything right. Never on same page with our kids, especially the younger son. He was definitely a mothers bot and coukd do no wrong. Whenever I had a go at him, ot was always leave him alone, you dont understand what he is going through and shit like that. Didn't mind spending my money (she was a stay at home mum) but woukd complain if I wanted to buy something. We eventually split up. Im mediation she put that i was using her patent time job money to pay for my expensive cars. Well who paid the mortgage amd bills and days out and vacations etc. Seems she wanted to keep her money to herself but spend mine. Rant over lol
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