Anyone else feel trapped in your marriage?

[LovelyLadyBits]

I’ve been married to a man that I never wanted to marry for 30 miserable years. Why you ask ? Because I was pregnant and wanted to do the right thing. After child # 2 came along 2 yrs later I never had sex with him again. For 26 yrs we didn’t have sex ! I couldn’t stand the thought of him touching me. Our second child was born very sick so it was a convenient excuse not to . He never tried to, never asked why,just accepted it. I actually wish he would’ve asked for a divorce then I would’ve been forced to figure out how to go it alone with 2 little ones ( one severely sick). Instead I spent 30 years unhappy, unsatisfied, and lonely. We have nothing in common. We do nothing together. We barely talk and only when necessary. I did step outside our marriage for maybe a year because I couldn’t stand it anymore after 26 yrs of no sex.
What I wouldn’t give to go back and do it differently. Found a way to keep working and supporting myself . Instead I gave up my job to care for our son and haven’t worked in 30 years .
I want out and think about it everyday but I don’t know how . It’s like I’m frozen in place.
I’m sorry for the pity party. I just needed to vent.

 

[LuLu_moan]

You did what you thought was right, and that takes courage. You put your kids above your own happiness and that means you are a great mom. You will figure it out and do what’s right for you.

 

[Hornymwtxn]

You were dealt a bad hand and played it best you could.

 

[EmmAgain]

I’m so sorry to hear how things have happened. Ranting and venting are perfectly fine - that’s what the internet is for!

You and I have something in common: God or whoever gave us only one life. You deserve to experience the world, love, friendship. If you can steel yourself for a year’s turbulence as you rediscover your feet, you’ll finally get to enjoy what’s left on the clock.

Best wishes and hugs

 

[LovelyLadyBits]

You’re all very kind , ty .

 

[lets_roll_12]

Venting is important when you have no other choice in being able to express your feelings. As others have so rightly mentioned, you did what you had to do. Make tough decisions to be a Mom that focused on her precious kids. That has to take a toll when you are literally going it alone. But it also takes a lot of strength and courage. Amazing attributes you should be proud of.

I too feel trapped but in very different circumstances. Trapped because I don’t want to leave a 27 year marriage but trapped in a love-less, emotionally starved marriage. I don’t even remember that last time she hugged me.
For good or bad, I have sought solace in a connection with someone on the other side of the world to feel loved. Someone who says ‘I care’. The person who lives in the same space as I do has not said that to me for decades.
Yours is not a pity party - I see a reaching out for reassurance and comfort

 

[LovelyLadyBits]

I’m sorry. It’s such a lonely existence. Mine hasn’t touched me, hugged me, complimented me or anything else most of our marriage. Mind you i started that ball rolling but it still sucks. I don’t want his affection but I want it from someone that cares.
I’m glad you’ve found someone regardless of where , if they make you feel cared about

 

[lets_roll_12]

I’m sorry. It’s such a lonely existence. Mine hasn’t touched me, hugged me, complimented me or anything else most of our marriage. Mind you i started that ball rolling but it still sucks. I don’t want his affection but I want it from someone that cares.
I’m glad you’ve found someone regardless of where , if they make you feel cared about

Sorry to hear this. You are not alone with your feelings - many others are also feeling similar experiences in their own ways.
Always happy to be a listening ear if you need one.

 

[LovelyLadyBits]

Ty very much !

 

[ClockworkCourtesan]

Yes. It's been a lonely 15 year mistake. No kids with her, thank goodness. Waiting for the divorce attorney to call back to get a court date set.

 

[appalachianplay]

Regarding the career, have you thought about or have any interest in health care? There is a lot of need, and it is industry standard to pay/reimburse tuition if you wish to advance your education. Your experience with your son will be appreciated. I wish you the best!

 

[lifeis2short2b]

I’ve been married to a man that I never wanted to marry for 30 miserable years. Why you ask ? Because I was pregnant and wanted to do the right thing. After child # 2 came along 2 yrs later I never had sex with him again. For 26 yrs we didn’t have sex ! I couldn’t stand the thought of him touching me. Our second child was born very sick so it was a convenient excuse not to . He never tried to, never asked why,just accepted it. I actually wish he would’ve asked for a divorce then I would’ve been forced to figure out how to go it alone with 2 little ones ( one severely sick). Instead I spent 30 years unhappy, unsatisfied, and lonely. We have nothing in common. We do nothing together. We barely talk and only when necessary. I did step outside our marriage for maybe a year because I couldn’t stand it anymore after 26 yrs of no sex.
What I wouldn’t give to go back and do it differently. Found a way to keep working and supporting myself . Instead I gave up my job to care for our son and haven’t worked in 30 years .
I want out and think about it everyday but I don’t know how . It’s like I’m frozen in place.
I’m sorry for the pity party. I just needed to vent.

Wow, sorry to hear this but this is a good first step. Your venting and talking out loud about it. I think it's tougher for a woman in this situation, she has the mother instincts to care for her child, Men tend to make more money and have more job opportunities. so yes you did the right thing at the time.
I'm surprised that he never asked for a divorce. He probably felt the same unhappiness. Maybe it's time to talk to him about each others unhappiness and you can work something out. It's not to late to be happy and make up for lost time .
Bear in mind we are just people strangers on the internet and your better off talking to someone who knows your situation better than us,

Good Luck

 

[Shaglus_Ziegler]

I’ve been married to a man that I never wanted to marry for 30 miserable years. Why you ask ? Because I was pregnant and wanted to do the right thing. After child # 2 came along 2 yrs later I never had sex with him again. For 26 yrs we didn’t have sex ! I couldn’t stand the thought of him touching me. Our second child was born very sick so it was a convenient excuse not to . He never tried to, never asked why,just accepted it. I actually wish he would’ve asked for a divorce then I would’ve been forced to figure out how to go it alone with 2 little ones ( one severely sick). Instead I spent 30 years unhappy, unsatisfied, and lonely. We have nothing in common. We do nothing together. We barely talk and only when necessary. I did step outside our marriage for maybe a year because I couldn’t stand it anymore after 26 yrs of no sex.
What I wouldn’t give to go back and do it differently. Found a way to keep working and supporting myself . Instead I gave up my job to care for our son and haven’t worked in 30 years .
I want out and think about it everyday but I don’t know how . It’s like I’m frozen in place.
I’m sorry for the pity party. I just needed to vent.

Sounds tough. Sorry for your troubles.

 

[AverageGuy86]

My initial thought is that you have little to lose really, by having a respectful, but brutally honest conversation with your husband about this. If you state that you just want to feel happier and loved, maybe you two could have a really nice second act, so to speak.

The book "5 Love Languages" is really good. The audio version is great too. I would suggest either one.

 

[MaturemanAJ]

My initial thought is that you have little to lose really, by having a respectful, but brutally honest conversation with your husband about this. If you state that you just want to feel happier and loved, maybe you two could have a really nice second act, so to speak.

The book "5 Love Languages" is really good. The audio version is great too. I would suggest either one.

Great book but it doesn't help if the spouse won't read it. I know, it took my wife 6 months to read it obviously telling her we were in trouble didn't sink in.
Long story short once she got scared enough to read it she told me your love tank is empty isn't it. I said bone dry and she started to cry. She said that sucks because mine is full.

 

[LMWM321]

It's heartbreaking to read your story, @LovelyLadyBits. And, sadly, probably not an uncommon one.

You don't need yet another person telling you this, but it's time you prioritize your own happiness. For one, you can't be the best parent you can be without being happy yourself. Seek out counseling, a support group, etc.. whatever you have to do to get the ball rolling. If you're depressed, tell your doctor and a close friend. If you don't exercise, try to find some form of it that you enjoy - it will improve your mood and help you to think more clearly. Big changes can start from these small steps. ..I know this sounds trite, but it's still true.

Divorce is hard on kids, but not as hard as living in a home where there is no love between parents and the tension between them is omnipresent. Kids do better when their parents are happy, but apart, than together and miserable. Don't take my word for it, ask a therapist.

Good luck and keep venting.. ..It's healthy.

 

[OldSoldier96]

I stayed in my marriage for 17 years thinking it was for the kids….it did more harm than good.
You aren’t trapped. Work on ways to get yourself out of that situation and then do so. It’s better for you and any kids in the long run and best for all parties tbh.

 

[LovelyLadyBits]

Yes. It's been a lonely 15 year mistake. No kids with her, thank goodness. Waiting for the divorce attorney to call back to get a court date set.

Sounds tough. Sorry for your troubles.

Thank you .

 

[LovelyLadyBits]

Great book but it doesn't help if the spouse won't read it. I know, it took my wife 6 months to read it obviously telling her we were in trouble didn't sink in.
Long story short once she got scared enough to read it she told me your love tank is empty isn't it. I said bone dry and she started to cry. She said that sucks because mine is full.

Hope things are getting better for you two!

 

[LovelyLadyBits]

My initial thought is that you have little to lose really, by having a respectful, but brutally honest conversation with your husband about this. If you state that you just want to feel happier and loved, maybe you two could have a really nice second act, so to speak.

The book "5 Love Languages" is really good. The audio version is great too. I would suggest either one.

Thank you, unfortunately I feel absolutely no attraction to him . I hoped that would change thru the years but it hasn’t .

 

[LovelyLadyBits]

It's heartbreaking to read your story, @LovelyLadyBits. And, sadly, probably not an uncommon one.

You don't need yet another person telling you this, but it's time you prioritize your own happiness. For one, you can't be the best parent you can be without being happy yourself. Seek out counseling, a support group, etc.. whatever you have to do to get the ball rolling. If you're depressed, tell your doctor and a close friend. If you don't exercise, try to find some form of it that you enjoy - it will improve your mood and help you to think more clearly. Big changes can start from these small steps. ..I know this sounds trite, but it's still true.

Divorce is hard on kids, but not as hard as living in a home where there is no love between parents and the tension between them is omnipresent. Kids do better when their parents are happy, but apart, than together and miserable. Don't take my word for it, ask a therapist.

Good luck and keep venting.. ..It's healthy.

Thanks, I agree. The exercising has helped in a number of ways both physically, mentally and with my self esteem.

 

[Solsurfer]

Dang. This is rough. Sometimes I want to leave but we have two kids. She has no idea I’ve had these thoughts. And if I brought it up or talk about anything that I need, she takes it as “things that she do correctly” and makes it about her. Lots of crying. So I never bring things up anymore. It’s sad. I once read “crying is a form of manipulation” and laughed out loud. It really can be.

 

[LovelyLadyBits]

Dang. This is rough. Sometimes I want to leave but we have two kids. She has no idea I’ve had these thoughts. And if I brought it up or talk about anything that I need, she takes it as “things that she do correctly” and makes it about her. Lots of crying. So I never bring things up anymore. It’s sad. I once read “crying is a form of manipulation” and laughed out loud. It really can be.

Do you “ really “ want to leave though or do you just want her to listen and act on what you’re saying to her ? I’m sorry , you’re right, rough is putting it mildly.
Crying definitely can be manipulating . If I do cry it’s when I’m alone and rarely .

 

[MaturemanAJ]

Hope things are getting better for you two!

Hope things are getting better for you two!

We are dealing with alot right now and it definitely is affecting the relationship but we are ok.
Life stresses are a bigger problem right now.
Thanks

 

[Biglibido99]

It's good to vent your feelings - maybe you're not able to do so in real life to anybody else? Telling others if your situation & feelings can act as a small relief.

I'm in a similar sexless, intimacy-free marriage but without your added complication of a very sick child. I know the pyschological effect of years of no intimacy which in itself is difficult and eats away at your confidence. It's not an unusual scenario, on these forums so I expect many have an understanding and sympathy for your particular situation

Unfortunately, it often falls to the woman in a marriage to be the main carer which, in your situation, is even more unfair. Does he help in the physical/medical care of the child?

It's a very difficult situation you are in.