Newly joined and looking for feedback

[mkvale]

Hi. I’m MKVale (Melissa) and looking for feedback on my first four posts that I submitted in last few days.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-woman-in-carriage-4

https://www.literotica.com/s/reflections-in-carriage-4-lily-2

https://www.literotica.com/s/carriage-of-three-lily-3

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-shift-in-carriage-4-lily-4


Appreciate feedback and comments

Thank you
MKVale

 

[AlinaX]

Lit makes series automatically if the titles have a common start, e.g., The Woman in Carriage Ch. 01: etc., but you can also create a series manually and add the chapters to it.

 

[mkvale]

Lit makes series automatically if the titles have a common start, e.g., The Woman in Carriage Ch. 01: etc., but you can also create a series manually and add the chapters to it.

Thank you. I did create a series and added the stories manually but been pending for a few days.

I’ll adopt the Ch. 01 approach going forward.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Manual series can take weeks to get approved. Laurel's first priority is seemingly always to publish new stories. Everything else (series, edits) happens when she has time, which isn't very often.

--Annie

 

[mkvale]

Makes sense and I bet it takes a lot of time . Thank you for letting me know.

 

[AlinaX]

Looking at The Woman in Carriage 4:

It's very short at 1.6k. You'll see a lot of discussion around here of story and chapter lengths, but really anything under 3k will feel short. I generally say that 1000 words makes a decent scene, and three scenes can make a decent short story / chapter. This is not, of course, an absolute rule.

Paragraph length. None of your paragraphs are more than two lines. There's nothing wrong with short paragraphs, but it can be distracting and it's a bit like making a meal and skipping on half the ingredients.

Carriage 4 was deserted, except for one figure seated by the window. She was already there when Daniel boarded. He didn't notice her at first. He was tired. The weight of the laptop bag was heavier than it should be, and the cold of the platform still clung to him.

The train departed and ran mostly empty late at night. The interior of Carriage 4 was dimly lit, its amber glow flickering overhead. Her hair was dark, a brunette, contrasting with the window and the space outside, barely illuminated. She had her legs crossed, her naked ankles lightly bouncing in rhythm with the train's quiet clatter. Her long legs were deliberately on view. He slid into the seat opposite, without thinking. A mistake that he would be fully aware of in the minutes ahead.

Also, I'm now puzzled about how her legs were in view on a train, crossed and both ankles bouncing. And, tired or not, who gets on a train and automatically sits next to the one occupied seat? - especially when that occupant is being unusually conspicuous.

Also a little confused at the start about POV:

She looked up. Not startled, not annoyed or inconvenienced. Just aware of this man, his presence in front of her.

Her eyes scanned him up and down. She displayed an amused curl at the corner of her mouth. Daniel noticed it immediately and tried not to react.

Daniel took out his book, pretending he hadn't noticed her at all, attempting to read in front of him.

Referring to Daniel as 'this man' suggests we're outside looking at both, and yet we know Daniel's name but she is anonymous. A mystery woman works better if the POV is Daniel's.

She looked up - not startled, nor annoyed or even inconvenienced, just aware. Aware of Daniel, his presence in front of her. Her eyes scanned him up and down, a curl of amusement on her lips.

Daniel tried not to react. He took out his book and attempted to read, pretending he hadn't noticed her at all.

Ignoring the missing period, but I feel the 'she replied' was unnecessary.

"You had the choice of all these seats, but decided to sit here?" she replied

A smile appeared on the woman's face.

A smile appeared? An honestly disconcerting use of the passive voice.

I'm increasingly confused. I think he's sitting opposite her, but there's no table between them? Is this a longitudinal coach (a far less intimate setting, so I doubt it, but maybe?) or an old-style compartmented coach (which would work well, but there would be no surprise at him sitting more-or-less opposite) or?

 

[mkvale]

Thanks for your comments and will take a look and read through.

Appreciate your comments.

In England, on my line many carriages have groups of four seats, sometimes six where people face each other (2x2 or 3x3) with no table between them.

 

[AlinaX]

Ah, okay. Our metro service has that, but I don't see mainline trains with that arrangement.