Feedback on my first story - Gay Male

[m649]

Hi, looking for feedback on my first story. It's got a lot of dirty talk and is a gay male story. Specifically, I felt it got a little too long for the content, and I'm not sure I did enough to establish the characters. Let me know, thanks!

https://www.literotica.com/s/king-and-i-1

 

[TheRedChamber]

Is it too long for the content? Yes.
Did you do enough to establish the characters? No.
Does it have a score of over 4.8? Yes.
Do you have multiple comments asking you to write more? Absolutely.

There's a lot I could comment on in terms of technical writing and plot and character development, but what you are doing is clearly hitting for a lot of people. It's probably best to keep doing it for a few more submissions before starting to want to 'improve'.

 

[m649]

Is it too long for the content? Yes.
Did you do enough to establish the characters? No.
Does it have a score of over 4.8? Yes.
Do you have multiple comments asking you to write more? Absolutely.

There's a lot I could comment on in terms of technical writing and plot and character development, but what you are doing is clearly hitting for a lot of people. It's probably best to keep doing it for a few more submissions before starting to want to 'improve'.

Alright, fair enough! If you remember a couple of the things you noted when you read it, it'd be useful. I appreciated the comments for sure, will try to make part 2 cut to the chase more and leave improving the character development for future stories.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Alright, fair enough! If you remember a couple of the things you noted when you read it, it'd be useful. I appreciated the comments for sure, will try to make part 2 cut to the chase more and leave improving the character development for future stories.

Ok, I'll write some comments but it will.likely be towards the end of the week before I have time.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Firstly, as this is your first story, it's worth saying that you can write. There are a few typos here and there (a 'who's' for 'whose') and I think you over-relied on the pattern of 'dom says one line followed by a paragraph of action,' but in terms of language, you are good. You are also writing to a specfic kink (the dominant black top). FWIW that kink works for me personally.

Where I think I can comment constructively, is in terms of story. Put simply, there isn't one. That's actually fine for Lit. A lot of the stories on here are just scenes with no deeper meaning or structure. But it also means that, like a scene in a porn video, I found myself skipping ahead and, if I weren't reading for feedback, maybe skipping out on it entirely. From the middle of page one, we know what is going to happen and, if that hits our kinks exactly, we can enjoy it happening, but as you say there's no real ending to it.

You have something of an extended intro which in some ways serves to confuse the matter - you announce the character is 'solidly straight' but then flip and list a whole bunch of gay experiences they've had. You also tell us that the character has had gay sex exactly once in their life. You could build a story around why, if King is such a great experience, the MC only ever did it once, but again, that's not this story. The person you describe is probably realistic enough for a real-life person, but there's a certain lack of conflict running through the story. The will-they-wont-they suck a dick doesn't quite land if we've been told they've already sucked multiple penises before the story began. The set-up is also very plain. The character wants to try gay sex so they go on a gay sex app. There's not a lot to make this story particularly unique - perhaps that doesn't matter if you hit the actual sex writing out of the park, and the comments and score suggest you have.

King doesn't have much of a character outside of 'dominant top.' There is one moment, around discussing dirty talk, when the two characters look like they are about to have a real conversation, but it never quite happens. Similarly, the MC has some doubts, but they last only as long as it takes to list a few rhetorical questions. They're in horny sex mode the whole time. Especially after they initiate dirty talk it becomes clear that MC is going to say yes automatically to anything suggested and they are going to love it. This is particularly common in a lot of sub/dom writing, but, personally, it bores me. Having a sub say no, even if they go on to say yes later, or having a dom back off slightly because they realize they've gone too fast too soon is more interesting than everyone going straight from 0 to 180mph (everything I've written is imho, but this one especially).