Reliving long past events, second guessing your inaction.

[Five_Inch_Heels]

Eons ago, my older sister 'got in trouble'. Now, you know what that meant back then. She disappeared without explanation for several months and when she came back, it was like nothing had happened.

It was never mentioned between us. Not once. Not even a casual mention 20, 30 years later.

I was in the house and heard her tell our parents and heard their reaction. I was a kid, maybe mid teens.

Why have I been thinking about that this last week? What's worse, why have I been beating myself up for not going to her and talking to her, telling her it was OK and would work out? Why have I been reliving what I wish I'd done, sit with her, hold her hand and talk softly, tell her I'd stand by her?

I haven't seen her in 40 years now and don't even know if she's still alive or even what her last name might be.

 

[filthytrancendence]

I haven't seen her in 40 years now and don't even know if she's still alive or even what her last name might be.

Seems like a good enough reason to me. Regrets seem to creep up on you sometimes. And the strangest things make you remember people you haven't seen in decades. A smell. A song. A certain type of car. Could be anything.

The last time I got into one of those regret holes, my therapist told me that regret is a process you've got to go through. Face the things you wish you'd done differently and let yourself feel how you feel about them. Decide if you need to be different going forward, and if so, figure out how to start that process. Or, more likely, realize you've already learned those lessons and stop beating yourself up about it. Perhaps do what you can to start the process of reconnecting with her. I imagine there's some fear of what you might find there, but at a certain point, the uncertainty becomes worse.

 

[vanmyers86]

If I have done the math correctly, you’re right about at the point in your life where we all take stock of our pasts and try to make sense of it all. I’ve been doing the same thing for the last couple of years myself.
Not that you asked for my advice, but most people are pretty findable these days. An investigator could probably locate her in an afternoon. Why not try? She might be as glad to hear from you as you might be if she reached out to you. Worst case scenario, you reach out and she declines. That in itself is a form of closure.
Sending you a hug!

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

That door will not be opened.



Why is this on the AH? It may be driving some stories, or parts of them.

 

[Voyeurkenneth]

That door will not be opened.



Why is this on the AH? It may be driving some stories, or parts of them.

Why would that door be closed? Seems as if you were an innocent bystander.

 

[XerXesXu]

'You only have two lives. The second begins when you realise you only have one.' (A man on a hill.)

 

[MrPixel]

That door will not be opened.

Some doors shouldn't. Another metaphor: there are some things that should remain swept under the carpet.

The big question here is what is there to gain by contacting your sister out of the blue, especially after a 40-year estrangement, just to conjure memories of a truly awful time in her life. Assuaging your own guilt, maybe? Shoulda coulda woulda? You can't look at events of your childhood through your eyes as an adult and scold your younger self over something you had no comprehension of at the time.

I have deep, awful family secrets, too, that are not to be discussed, 50+ years after the fact. My parents have passed, all five of us kids are in our sunset years, and none of us have children. I only keep up with one sister and indirectly my youngest brother, who I never really knew. The secrets are going to die with us.

 

[lovecraft68]

Back when I was twenty I was supposed to hang out with my foster sister-who to this day to me is my real sister-we were going to grab some Burger King and hit a horror movie. I had a chance to work and called her asked if we could do it the next night. She had been upset over a break up and said she'd really like to keep our plans. I told her I really needed the money so she said, sure the next night was fine.

That night her ex came over, beat her and raped her. Got picked up and got off with a slap on the wrist. I found him in a bar and rearranged the structure of his face before getting pulled off. I did 18 months, compared to the 90 days he did.

In court I had a chance to plea that I had pretty much lost my mind over the circumstances and get a reduced sentence. When I was asked why I used excessive force I was supposed to lie and say I'd basically blacked out. Instead I repeated what he said in his hearing. "Hey, he liked it rough so I gave it to him that way."

37 years later I still hate myself for not going over that night. She would have never been assaulted, I would have not gone vigilante, both our lives very different. But for anyone that knows what happened when I'm asked about regretting what I did the answer will remain the same. The only regret was not waiting to get him alone where no one could save him. 37 years, a lifetime ago and if I saw him today I'd correct that mistake. He doesn't deserve whatever life he's had, even if it's been living hell, it's still living.

If anything positive came out of it, that event eventually led me to volunteer work for women's rights and domestic violence. I've taught a self-defense course for woman so they aren't helpless against these animals. I do volunteer not just because I don't want money for this, but if you get paid they can have say over the 'curriculum" so to speak. I teach these women things that range from dirty little tricks to ways to flat out maim someone. I teach the Cobra kai no mercy because none was or will be shown to them. I've also helped a lot of women in getting their blue card and sending them to a friend of mine that teaches a gun handling and safety course.

I like to think of myself as a behind the scenes equalizer that certain type of men have occasionally been on the receiving end of my good work.

So, moving forward when I go on some of my men are fucking trash rants, you might understand why. If not, doesn't matter, I hate a good portion of my own gender and always will. My wife preaches against harboring malice, says it hurts the one who holds it. But me? It keeps me warn at night.

 

[Erozetta]

My inaction may have caused a friend's death, so, yeah. Lots of regrets there. I have written about it, and I still can't think/write about it without crying, hating myself, and thinking of all the ways I should've acted instead.

There are other times I feel I should've acted, too, but all I had to do that time was put my fear of disappointing people aside and answer a phone call.