Sexless Marriages

[Greytruck]

Again, it is not as though we are sex "crazed" lunatics, maurading the home for any opportunity to have sex. Although once upon a time, it was welcomed, "at least in my home."

As many have commented, we still have the desire. And for many that desire still centers on their partner. The partner we chose for life. I understand the physiology for both sides and both sexes. Having been an educator for decades, research and study have been the anwers to life's many quandries. It remains my chosen style of learning.

Understanding does not change the fact of what happens. Being informed that you are not desired in "that way", is a blow to ones ego, self esteem and general outlook. Male or female, we needed our partners to want us as they did. For me, it a part of my emotional stability. Sexual intimacy is not the only aspect in a relationship. There is also day to day conversation, engaging in like activities, and sharing of lives. I found that these also, have begun to wane. Hence, I am left alone with my thoughts, desires and questions of how to retrieve what is now absent.

I have been told on many occasions by those in like situations. "That's just the way it is." If I had listened to those types of voices when I was younger, I never would have accomplished much in my life. I'm a fighter and don't take no for an answer. And yet, this situation wearies me. I have lost more than just, "sex."

Those of us in this situation have occasionally been referred to as "whiners". I believe those that say such are uniformed and ignorant. If I may draw a parallel. I am a lifelong musician and teacher. If the ability to play my music was taken from my life, where would this leave me? Indeed, that would be tragic wouldn't it? Would you make the comment, "that's the way it is."?

We are whole individuals. Until the parts are slowly taken away. For each of that visits here, we have lost a part. I understand what many of you feel. You have my empathy and that of the many others that dwell here. I encourage you. Rage on, cry, lament, express, and whatever else you feel inclined to do. There many shoulders to lean on here.

To not be wanted by our spouse is a big blow to our ego.
I think my ED issues stem from her rejection of me.
And she dosent feel that way.. menopause was not kind to her.
I’m willing to take whatever I can get and I feel like a beggar somtimes

 

[PMarky2]

Her line of reasoning sounds very familiar. “I can’t or won’t. So neither will you.”

My consolation is that it is 'cannot' not 'will not.' The 'will nots' came out when we were first exploring 25 or so years ago.

 

[flameinsidesoul]

Sometimes, the loudest silence in a marriage isn’t about sex..it’s about vanishing. (or mentally not here with us..that hurts) I used to think I was starving for touch. later I realized: I was starving for witness.

But here’s the irony..…even in absence, I’ve found presence. Loneliness taught me how to make love to my life, not just a lover.

If you’re here feeling hollow, please know...you are not broken. You are blooming in unexpected soil. its not just about sex we lost, but the selves we are finding.

 

[Jackdoll1972]

I am 73 and my wife is 69. We have been married since 1977. She was a good Catholic girl when I met her, and of course a virgin. I had been with several women before her and slowly got her to become a very sexy woman. It took a year, first I got her to show me her sweet 34a tits in a dark parked car. Then a few weeks later her lovely hairy pussy. And finally we did the deed. She claims I am the only one to fuck her, or for that matter play with her tits and pussy, but a few years ago she said we were too old to have sex. I watch porn at least once a day and stroke till I cum. I would love to have a woman on the side for sexual activities, kissing, breast play, oral sex, or fucking. I have thoughts about a stroke buddy, as I do sometimes like to watch gay porn or shemales. Time to go I need to stroke.

 

[PMarky2]

Sometimes, the loudest silence in a marriage isn’t about sex..it’s about vanishing. (or mentally not here with us..that hurts) I used to think I was starving for touch. later I realized: I was starving for witness.

But here’s the irony..…even in absence, I’ve found presence. Loneliness taught me how to make love to my life, not just a lover.

If you’re here feeling hollow, please know...you are not broken. You are blooming in unexpected soil. its not just about sex we lost, but the selves we are finding.

That is a big part of the pain at my end. No nookie is irritating, but the lack of interest in my doings and interests is worse. Of course, one of my worst faults is that I am a autie chatterbox who craves an audience, so it does not help that one of the things which is missing from my life is something that I really need.

 

[OldSoldier96]

I’m glad I’m not alone in these feelings. I’d take a handjob or anything after years of no sex. Talking about it’s ok but eventually a little less talk and a lot more action.

 

[flameinsidesoul]

That is a big part of the pain at my end. No nookie is irritating, but the lack of interest in my doings and interests is worse. Of course, one of my worst faults is that I am a autie chatterbox who craves an audience, so it does not help that one of the things which is missing from my life is something that I really need.

I feel you. It’s not just about missing sex..it’s about missing being seen. hey, that “autie chatterbox” side? That’s not a flaw, that’s your spark. You’re not too much. You’re just craving real connection and that’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Keep shining. Some people are waiting to hear your stories.

 

[Drinkmein]

In my household, I’m the one doing without he doesn’t care. It’s because of his health we’ve had countless conversations about how it makes me feel rejected and less than and he just does not care.

 

[hulmule]

In my household, I’m the one doing without he doesn’t care. It’s because of his health we’ve had countless conversations about how it makes me feel rejected and less than and he just does not care.

Just had this conversation with my wife. She doesnt care about it anymore. Not even in her mind...Sad Cant get thru to her about the ;lonely feeling it does to a person

 

[KeenVoyeur]

In my household, I’m the one doing without he doesn’t care. It’s because of his health we’ve had countless conversations about how it makes me feel rejected and less than and he just does not care.

You have always been my enigmatic Lit person ... seeing your posts and wishing I was close enough to offer a shoulder or something for you to lean on.
Sad to know that you feel rejected although I guess health-related issues are the most common cause of loss of libido. I hope you can find someone to help ease your pain.

Just had this conversation with my wife. She doesnt care about it anymore. Not even in her mind...Sad Cant get thru to her about the ;lonely feeling it does to a person

Had something similar with my wife and didn't actually address it at the time, just went looking elsewhere ... short-lived fun time and I'm now paying for it as I face the rest of my life still married and still no getting any loving.

 

[CEOescape]

It breaks our hearts to read about not only sexless marriages but also love making voids .We are lucky ( or I am) when I went through a stage like yours David stepped up the flowers, the mints on the bed, clothing surprises -not lingerie, etc.. I got the hint and I changed and relaxed opening my mind to pleasures of sex for sex sake. Seeing the effects of me going bra-less, or putting my hand on this thigh during a night out. Then the sparks of talking about some friend or stranger that flirted with me or us. I remember how much I love seeing his reaction to a blow job or asking him for a massage and turning it into sex play.. Honey spank my butt or finger me please...OR NOW BABY it is my turn to do you!!!!

 

[CliimaxForYou]

My marriage was sexless. And not for lack of trying. Shrugs. We finalized the long divorce last year. Instantly a few of her friends began letting me know they were interested, even before things were finalized. I passed…wasn’t interested. I finally got to the point where I was in a good headspace and I’ve had more sex these last two weeks than I did my entire marriage. It’s nice to be wanted. : ). And it wasn’t with her friends.

 

[Greylag]

I am totally in a sexless marriage and have been pretty much for a few years! We’re out there but we are a bit like unicorns

I am a woman in her 50’s with the sex drive of an 18 yr old boy, that’s not normal I’ve been told by female friends the same age and male friends. I should be settling down for my old age with my hormones dying a slow death, but hell no!

It doesn’t stop in your 60s either still horny as hell

 

[Stargatefan78]

To not be wanted by our spouse is a big blow to our ego.
I think my ED issues stem from her rejection of me.
And she dosent feel that way.. menopause was not kind to her.
I’m willing to take whatever I can get and I feel like a beggar somtimes

I feel the same way when I was married. We divorce now. My sex life is little better. I just need a regular person to meet regular.

 

[Stargatefan78]

It doesn’t stop in your 60s either still horny as hell

I still get horny as hell many times.

 

[Wolfie605]

this may become the new hookup thread!!

Like the sound of that. I truly feel for all you ladies and men. We shouldn't feel bad for having needs and wanting them met. It doesn't mean we don't love our SO any less

 

[CliimaxForYou]

It doesn’t stop in your 60s either still horny as hell

Agreed. Im
Fast approaching 60 and have the libido of when I was a teenager. If I’m not having sex, I’m pleasuring myself on average 2-3 times a day, every day. And when I do have sex, it’s very active and lasts a lot longer than you’d think. : ). I’ll take this over my teenage years any time, and im
Confident my partners would say the same.

 

[beachlights44]

Back on Lit after some time off. Seeing this thread still active makes me simultaneously happy and sad.

 

[AspiringAuthor]

Do you think our partners are on another Web site. Congratulationing themselves that they do not have to have sex again.

Mine could very well be on this site, in this thread and I'd never know it. Despite having a sex drive that would rival my 18-year-old self, I'd rather be celibate and romance my Satisfyer than have sex with him again. I have valid reasons for this; DV is one of them, and somehow, I'm still here with him. And sister, if this is you, don't make my mistakes and stay... keep yourself safe at any cost. My ducks are consistently in the same state, at least. I'm one foot out the door...

 

[Lonely50M]

I read your later post about making it plain to your spouse that you were in the mood for sex, and this resonates so strongly with many of us of both/all genders.

You characterize it perfectly above. I LOVE my wife. I adore her. She's the love of my life. I want to grow old with her, spend the rest of my life as her loving husband. As I've written about in other threads, putting pressure on her for sex is the very last thing I want to do; coercing her into it several years ago was a mistake I made that horrified me and made me feel like a terrible person.

We were talking to a marriage counselor several years ago about our mismatched (since menopause) libido situation. This was a female therapist that my wife had chosen because I know her well enough to know that SHE needs to feel in control, needs to feel comfortable when things are somewhat fraught. The therapist was clearly surprised that my wife didn't seem to want to make any effort, and told her that a healthy sexual life was an important part of a relationship. Yes, it is, but...you can't force it. You can't MAKE someone feel things that they don't feel.

The great irony for us is that we originally got together over sex! We were hot and heavy, wild and adventuresome for years, playing with others, enjoying all sorts of sexual excitement. Then...menopause. We've talked about it at length, of course, as we enjoy very open communication. She has tried, bless her, working with her gyne doc and taking hormones, but it just doesn't work for her. If she doesn't initiate it...maybe once or twice a year...it won't happen, and I've learned that hinting about my arousal just turns her off and then we both feel guilty.

And now here I am, in my early 60s, sexual appetite as strong as ever, sexual attitudes and interests wider than ever, and, frighteningly, feeling my mortality. I think about the years of life I have left...when they are done, existence is over, the universe winks out forever. Is it fair that I cannot enjoy a sexual relationship for the rest of all existence? Of course it isn't, but expecting fairness in life is folly. Do I seek it outside the marriage? Well, that certainly isn't fair to the woman I love, isn't fair to our marriage. Yet I do not judge others who make that decision...this is powerful, existential stuff.

I feel for all of you who face similar dilemmas. This is hard.

My friend, it took me a long minute to think if this thread had been written by ME! This is almost exactly what's happening in my marriage. Our sex life wasn't amazing in the beginning, but it was pretty good. 18 yrs later and we had sex once last year. We just had sex last weekend but neither of us finished as it was late Friday night and we both had gotten up real early for work that day. We considered it a win since it technically was about an hour of sex.
It's been cold since then though. And me bringing it up all the time is a turn off to her as well. I'm stumped. I'm 50 and share the very same concerns about life.

 

[blulilacgrl]

So hubby got a good laugh at me...

Last week I mowed the yard and when he came in being all amorous, I was totally wiped. In fact I kinda fell asleep to him rubbing my back. He could have been a real ass and made a stink but he just made a joke and let it go. I made it up to him the next day (and then some ). But I really did feel shitty and hypocritical.

 

[Wisconsin65]

So hubby got a good laugh at me...

Last week I mowed the yard and when he came in being all amorous, I was totally wiped. In fact I kinda fell asleep to him rubbing my back. He could have been a real ass and made a stink but he just made a joke and let it go. I made it up to him the next day (and then some ). But I really did feel shitty and hypocritical.

It happens.

 

[TomnDiane]

32 years married. I'm 65, she's 67, and she's a stage 4 cancer patient for the last 2 years. She ended our physical relationship 15 years ago, saying sex "hurt too much". Refused to see her ob/gyn, wouldn't talk about why. So, we've been room mates ever since. Was good before, anything I wanted, any way I wanted. I made sure she came multiple times before I did. One of the conversations we've had she told me ending sex was her biggest regret in our marriage. Too late now. She said she wants me to marry again. Didn't say this to her, but I would never consider doing that. Women our age are not attractive, come with a lifetime of baggage and scars. Not interested in a younger woman. So, I do this as the alternative.

 

[flameinsidesoul]

32 years married. I'm 65, she's 67, and she's a stage 4 cancer patient for the last 2 years. She ended our physical relationship 15 years ago, saying sex "hurt too much". Refused to see her ob/gyn, wouldn't talk about why. So, we've been room mates ever since. Was good before, anything I wanted, any way I wanted. I made sure she came multiple times before I did. One of the conversations we've had she told me ending sex was her biggest regret in our marriage. Too late now. She said she wants me to marry again. Didn't say this to her, but I would never consider doing that. Women our age are not attractive, come with a lifetime of baggage and scars. Not interested in a younger woman. So, I do this as the alternative.

your love and loyalty are deeply moving. To walk beside someone through silence, illness, and unmet needs with grace is no small thing. It’s okay to grieve what was lost, even while honoring what remains.

You’ve given so much. Perhaps now, some part of that care can turn inward into rediscovering joy, companionship, or creative intimacy in ways that don’t betray your love, but help you feel alive again. You still matter.

 

[MidnightinLA]

Wow, I can’t believe I found this thread and so many people just like me! 45 with a crazy sex drive and a husband that isn’t interested in me at all. I just want to be needed and craved by someone. I’ve had so many conversations with him about it and he is not interested in me at all. I’ve gained some weight recently due to some health issues and I feel like he doesn’t find me attractive. We are roommates, living under the same roof and not having a real relationship. 21 years of marriage so it’s hard to walk away.