What's wrong with this sentence. Or, what makes something klunky?

[AG31]

I was a short way into a story today and came upon, "She led us to a tbale and we sat down." Probably nothing. But it hit me as klunky and put me on alert for writing that would cause me not to finish the story. As it turned out, the writing was OK enough for me to finish. Maybe it was just that I was waiting for my coffee. But could this sentence be improved?

Do you have examples of klunkiness and examples of fixes?

 

[Writer61]

"She led us to a table." Should be enough. If the location is a restaurant, what else are you going to do?

 

[StillStunned]

Two things

For such a short sentence you refer to people three times: she, us, we. See whether you can cut this, for example, "She led the way to a table..."

And "down" implies sitting on the table. The sentence works better without it.

 

[iwatchus]

A big part of editing for me is getting rid of 90% of my 'and's. Sometimes it is just simplifying, like @Writer61.Or you can do more with it. Do you want the emphasis on the sitting at the table? Or that she was leading? Or she was choosing? Did you end up sitting across from each other or next to each other? What is the sentence structure around it?

 

[TheLobster]

"She led us to sit down at the table" is how I would phrase it, assuming you really need to express both the leading and the sitting.

 

[NotWise]

That is not only a short sentence, but it's two independent clauses. There should be a comma before the "and." To make it even shorter, "down" is superfluous.

The act could probably be smoothed out by combining it with other elements of the context.

 

[StillStunned]

And "down" implies sitting on the table. The sentence works better without it.

Coming back to this because I wrote my first reply in a hurry while I was in line at the butcher's.

The "down" doesn't necessarily imply sitting on the table, but it highlights the action and the direction. So it takes away from moving *towards* the table. Placing it right before the full stop gives it a finality that breaks the flow of the narrative and puts momentous weight on the act of sitting. It seems to want to follow an act of standing up, or of causing some commotion.

I'd probably rephrase your sentence as something like, "She led us to a table. As we sat/Once we were seated,..."

 

[Kumquatqueen]

I agree you don't need the "and we sat down" unless the entry into the venue and being led to a particular place by someone is actually important to the plot.

In most stories, we don't care that A and B have showered and dried and got dressed and got into his car and drove 15 minutes to an upscale neighborhood, parked in front of X restaurant, given their name to the greeter and then been led to a table by the waitress. You can cut from deciding to go out, to dithering over the menu - or even to after the meal, if the meal doesn't add to the story.

People often say that all details should add to the story, but I sometimes find it more useful the other way round - if a detail doesn't add to the characterization or atmosphere or plot, cut it out and get back to the chase.

 

[AG31]

Two things

For such a short sentence you refer to people three times: she, us, we. See whether you can cut this, for example, "She led the way to a table..."

And "down" implies sitting on the table. The sentence works better without it.

Just to be clear, I wasn't the author of the klunky sentence.

 

[TheLobster]

Coming back to this because I wrote my first reply in a hurry while I was in line at the butcher's.

Fascinating. Do you often visit the website that's mostly about beating your meat while you wait for the meat you bought to be beaten and packaged?

 

[StillStunned]

Fascinating. Do you often visit the website that's mostly about beating your meat while you wait for the meat you bought to be beaten and packaged?

What, am I the only one who masturbates to sex stories while they're waiting in line at the shops?!

 

[Tio_Narratore]

She led us to a table that should have been in Hungarian, but it was Tuesday.

 

[filthytrancendence]

if a detail doesn't add to the characterization or atmosphere or plot, cut it out and get back to the chase.

Agreed, and I wouldn't even call these details. Walking to a table and sitting down at a restaurant is a definitional part of going to a restaurant--nobody needs us to tell them it happened.

So if we do tell them, it ought to be in the context of setting the scene, or establishing some tension between the characters, or noticing how hot the hostess is as she seats you, etc.

The actions here are rote and irrelevant. The only thing that even could matter is what the characters see or feel while they are being sat.

 

[XerXesXu]

'We were shown to our table', would get you quickly to the table and sitting. But context is everything, yet we have none. As written, we don't know where this happens and why. 'We' sound disgruntled. Was 'She' an adversarial party in some context? Were they commanded, 'Sit down', and were they being sat down reluctantly?

 

[Writer61]

What, am I the only one who masturbates to sex stories while they're waiting in line at the shops?!

Let's hope you don't get served too quickly.

 

[Writer61]

She led us to a table that should have been in Hungarian, but it was Tuesday.

In my experience, anything in Hungarian is a challenge, but if it helps, "Egy asztalhoz vezetett minket".

 

[MrPixel]

"The host showed us to a corner table with a nice view outside." Opportunity for scene-setting.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

In my experience, anything in Hungarian is a challenge, but if it helps, "Egy asztalhoz vezetett minket".

I'm sorry, but today is Tuesday.

 

[Writer61]

I'm sorry, but today is Tuesday.

It may be where you are, but it is already Wednesday in parts of Asia, Australasia, and Oceania.

Time is relative, lunchtime doubly so.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

It may be where you are, but it is already Wednesday in parts of Asia, Australasia, and Oceania.

Perhaps, but where is the table?

 

[Writer61]

Perhaps, but where is the table?

No, it is definitely already Wednesday in some places. As for the location of the table, the OP might know.

 

[TheRedChamber]

The sentence is fine. It says what happens. You could cut words, but given that all the words are simple, how much quicker is your reader going to parse it whatever you cut?

 

[KittyOfSteele]

Hmm... "She led the way to a table," as @StillStunned put it works the best. I just don't see how could that be improved without context.

That's one of the sentences I wouldn't edit, but cut. If the scene is set maybe there's no need for it.

 

[AG31]

I was thinking "What does 'klunky' mean, exactly, when applied to writing?"

(Apparently it's clunky, not klunky), anyway,

1. awkwardly solid, heavy, and outdated.
   "even last year's laptops look clunky"
   
   
2. 2.
   making a clunking sound.
   "clunky conveyor belts"

I think clunky probably derives from trying to move something heavy and awkward. It bumps into things (like doorways and shins). It stops forward motion. It interrupts with noise. So, for writing, extra words that slow down forward motion. I think a lot of the replies up thread point out how the sentence just has more words/info that are necessary. You stumble a bit reading it.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

No, it is definitely already Wednesday in some places. As for the location of the table, the OP might know.

But she led them to a table. Are you presuming that she might be StillStunned? I would expect she'd be slightly annoyed, perhaps surprised, but not stunned, and definitely not still in that condition. She would know where the table is; for all I know it could be in Hindi yesterday or Inuktitut even. I guess we should ask her.