Newbie has some questions / Am I a sub?

[Liberia]

Hello everybody. I wanted to ask those of you with lots of experience if you could give me some advice and help me with my questions. English is not my first language, so please excuse any spelling mistakes and grammar butchering.

I'm a woman in my twenties, doing a PhD, lurked for years on and off and wanted to ask some questions. Yesterday I read all 20 pages of the pussy spanking thread and then decided to be brave and make an account.

I want to find out what I am, because I am not sure if I am a sub. In my day to day life I am told that people, especially men, are a little bit afraid of me, I am a bookworm, pretty bossy and a little like everyones elder sister and genuinely enjoy helping others. Growing up I identified with Hermione a lot. As embarrassing as that my seem, I sometimes like to read Harry Potter fanfic and this is the place where I stumbled about the term "good girl" and other things. That did something to me, to put it mildly.

I am not sure if I am a sub, because I don't want to be humiliated, I wouldn't want to be a slave, called degrading names or feel disrespected. At the same time, I really enjoy putting my hands over my head, keep them there like a good girl and have my delicate parts spanked while keeping my legs open. Or being fingered and kneaded with two hands, one at the front and one at the backside. Or anal play, taking a pounding like a... you know.
I enjoy giving oral pleasure, not because of submission, but because it gives pleasure. I prefer men, but whenever I was with a women I just gave her the treatment I would like to receive, so fairly dominant and topping, I guess, and they loved it. I have few real experiences outside of the vanilla world, only with two partners I could enjoy the spanking and anal part and one, who was fairly older than me, made me spread my legs and let me have 6 orgasms until everything was raw.

One of those spanking guys treated me not as their equal and without respect outside of the bedroom and was ditched because of that. Later he apologized and said, that he found me so smart and determined that he felt insecure in his masculinity and that's why he treated me with this aggressive attitude. I accepted the apology but did not wanted to stay in contact. I need safe men around me. Most of my friends are male, I love feeling safe with them, I also have good friendships with my vanilla exes. So, I am afraid of the implications of my likings, you could guess. My exes are all super nice, progressive men who consider themselves feminists and enjoy an independent partner.

So, there's some fear of being not treated with respect by a man. Sometimes my female friends tell me that their male friends are on much better behavior around me, because they are a little bit afraid of me. I do not want to lose my "authority", I guess. But at the same time I love to be bossed around in the bedroom and love it if my head stops thinking for once, it's such an amazing feeling.
I know, that I like it since I was very young, because I know that what words or fantasies make me excited. I know what I fantasize about when masturbating. Even some CNC.

So what I am asking myself more and more:
Am I a sub? Am I vanilla, who is a bit kinky perhaps? If there's a chance that I can get a little pussy spanking and some other activities I'm constantly horny and want to have sex a lot. This also works with softer vaginal or anal sex where I'm verbally 'dominated' and have maybe my hands above my head. But with just kissing and the typical vanilla stuff I have a hard time getting wet at all. With the other stuff, I'm like the sea.

Also, I find myself drawn only to men with whom I can talk. I can't even feel a little attraction if somebody is not into something like music, theater, books, progressive politics or something like that. For me to feel attraction, I need intellectual attraction, which makes it even more complicated.
But I feel like I can't ask those men I know, because I am afraid of shocking them completely or having the next one treating me without respect.

Could you give me some advice what to do next? Do I even belong to the kink space? Am I a sub? Am I a bottom?

Thank you all and kind regards

 

[filthytrancendence]

First of all, I just want to validate that you are what you are, even if it doesn't seem to fit neatly into regular categories. And you can change over time too. And all of that is okay.

I think there's a tendency to view certain BDSM terminology, especially dominant and submissive, as more loaded words than they actually need to be. A lot of kinks that get lumped into BDSM are describing different poles along an axis. To me, dom/sub are the poles on the axis of power exchange. That's it.

The confusing part is that there are some common but distinct things that tend to be associated with each one. Degradation, for instance. The enjoyment of giving or receiving humiliation is a separate axis than domination and submission. You can be a submissive (one who enjoys surrendering control) and not enjoy being humiliated even a little bit.

Sadism and Masochism is another common axis. It's common for people who enjoy submission to also be masochists, and visa versa. But it's also possible to be a submissive who is apathetic about giving or receiving pain.

Personally I think something like the opposite of sadism is a thing, the closest word we have for that is pleaser, I guess. I guess you could say there's an inverse dichotomy of sadism/masochism which is something like pleaser/hedonist.

Sorry, I'm getting really bogged down in English jargon, I guess. Point is, people are complex. You can be a thing (submissive) but also none of the other things usually associated with it (masochist, humiliation enjoyer, etc). You can also be contradictory things at once. Like a switch. Less important than whatever label you feel comfortable with is being open to exploring things to find out what you enjoy.

People in general have a really hard time not conflating submission with weakness. Sounds like that is what you might be afraid of. That's not the case at all, and if you encounter someone who behaves as if it is, that is just a sign they've got some insecurities or just shallow thinking to work through.

 

[Liberia]

Thank you both for your kind replies, I find them very helpful.

@all the Good Names were taken, I enjoy putting my hands over my head or have them tied, is that still not giving up control? I don't enjoy it if I have to tell very specific in the situation every little thing that they have to do, I prefer when they tell me beforehand what they like and vice versa, so that I don't have to do that in the situation. When I have to give specific instructions I have to think and use my head again. For me the most attractive thing about the spanking and just being held or tied is a silence in my head; no thinking but just feeling.

And to thank thee, you filthy transcendence, it's really an interesting read and you took the time to write a long reply. You can write as specific as you would like to, I read academic English daily, English literature for enjoyment, I understand you just fine.

I already feel that I'm much more comfortable with the term surrendering control then submissive, because that's an active act, the fear of being considered weak seems to be a thing.

Actually I entertained the idea of just foregoing partners, because I don't want to have someone in my life, who does not treat me with respect and as an equal. I always preferred partners which were way older than me, because they did not seem so insecure and treated me with so much more respect and understanding. Young men often struggle with their masculinity and than act controlling, jealous or aggressive towards women they like. Naturally I am afraid of a man mistreating me and triggering me or being abusive, because I made a good life for myself where finally I feel safe and secure. Probably I am a bit scared of risking the stability, the peace and harmony that I have achieved.

Is there even an option for me in my life to integrate the Eros while maintaining my boundaries and values? Or should I just accept my preferences, not beat myself up about it, but never act on them?

Are there even other people like me? Because whenever I hear from my kinky friends about the BDSM scene that they participate in, it's about hard whipping, brutal humiliation, strict control - which they enjoy, it's fine - and sometimes abusive behaviour.
I do not want to put myself in any danger and fear that I don't fit anywhere really. Sorry, if I am asking to many questions, but you've been most helpful.

 

[OralAllOver]

I appreciate your heartfelt concerns.
But, maybe not worry about labels?

"Labels are for filing. Labels are for clothing. Labels are not for people."
Martina Navratilova

BTW if you bring yourself to orgasm while rimming, yes, u r submissive

smile

 

[Liberia]

"BTW if you bring yourself to orgasm while rimming, yes, u r submissive"

It seems that I gave the wrong impression because English is my second language, I am sorry. I never did that and have no experience whatsoever with rimming. What I meant to say was that I like to do things for a partner like oral sex, not because I feel submissive, but because I like to interact with my partner and give back pleasure. I know some people like that because of submissiveness, for me that's definitely not the case.

 

[13Fantasies]

@Liberia , based on what I read, it sounds like maybe DD/lg would be more im your wheelhouse. Lots of trust to build, still getting your needs met, and all kinds of talk and trust.

Needs to be the right person for both of you, but might fit your desires and exploration best

 

[filthytrancendence]

Are there even other people like me? Because whenever I hear from my kinky friends about the BDSM scene that they participate in, it's about hard whipping, brutal humiliation, strict control - which they enjoy, it's fine - and sometimes abusive behaviour.

Yes. And my guess is you're probably more complex than you're giving yourself credit for.

I'm more of a switch, but lean dominant for reasons pretty similar to what you've voiced about being reluctant to call yourself submissive. I really enjoy being submissive. Under the right circumstances. I also don't really even rate on the sadist/masochist axis. I don't get off on inflicting pain, and I don't like receiving it. I feel pretty similarly about humiliation. I'm willing to give either one of those things, if a partner wants them, but it's never going to be something I'm seeking out.

If someone's going to dominate me, they kinda need to fit a pretty specific personality type for me to even be able to get in the right headspace. And I don't want to be hurt, I don't want to be insulted, I just want to be told what to do and/or restrained. I have a background that includes long-term emotional abuse, and I think that really takes the shine out of both pain and humiliation for me. I get what you mean about building a life where you feel safe. The thing about BDSM when it's done right? You should always feel safe. It should never be about harming/abusing your partner. But people suck, and abusive people exist everywhere. There is a huge distinction between abuse and people consentually engaging in sadomasochism.

As for whether you should act on anything? Again, life is long, you're not going to stay the same as you are now anyway, and you can always change your mind later. If you feel more comfortable just watching from afar right now, that's 100% okay.

 

[Liberia]

@Liberia , based on what I read, it sounds like maybe DD/lg would be more im your wheelhouse. Lots of trust to build, still getting your needs met, and all kinds of talk and trust.

Needs to be the right person for both of you, but might fit your desires and exploration best

Thank you for your answer and insight, I really appreciate it. I know what you mean, but I don't see myself as little and I think it would sober me up completely if somebody would call me little one. While I would find it certainly endearing to say something like 'yes, Daddy' to the right man only during activities everything else doesn't seems a good fit for me. At least from what I gathered about that dynamic. I prefer partners ten to fifteen years older than me, who treat me like an adult and are into watching french art movies with me or going to the theater or a jazz concert. Maybe I have a limited view of DDlg, but isn't that more of a safe space for people to embrace their inner child?

The idea of someone telling me when to go to bed would just make me mad. While I sometimes also enjoy feeling careless and young and running around in the flat, singing and dancing and maybe joking in baby talk, I think I have pretty adult tastes, don't own stuffed animals, do not like glitter, prefer strong colours over pink and baby blue, don't like unicorns or anything like that.

Again, thank you so much. All of you are really helpful, what an amazing community.

 

[Liberia]

Yes. And my guess is you're probably more complex than you're giving yourself credit for.

I'm more of a switch, but lean dominant for reasons pretty similar to what you've voiced about being reluctant to call yourself submissive. I really enjoy being submissive. Under the right circumstances. I also don't really even rate on the sadist/masochist axis. I don't get off on inflicting pain, and I don't like receiving it. I feel pretty similarly about humiliation. I'm willing to give either one of those things, if a partner wants them, but it's never going to be something I'm seeking out.

If someone's going to dominate me, they kinda need to fit a pretty specific personality type for me to even be able to get in the right headspace. And I don't want to be hurt, I don't want to be insulted, I just want to be told what to do and/or restrained. I have a background that includes long-term emotional abuse, and I think that really takes the shine out of both pain and humiliation for me. I get what you mean about building a life where you feel safe. The thing about BDSM when it's done right? You should always feel safe. It should never be about harming/abusing your partner. But people suck, and abusive people exist everywhere. There is a huge distinction between abuse and people consentually engaging in sadomasochism.

As for whether you should act on anything? Again, life is long, you're not going to stay the same as you are now anyway, and you can always change your mind later. If you feel more comfortable just watching from afar right now, that's 100% okay.

Thank you for your long answer and your good advice.

I'm so sorry for the abuse. Similar to you I grew up in emotionally abusive circumstances and needed years to build a really good, healthy safe life. I have a really nice place to live, successful finances, fulfilling work, fantastic and very close friendships and no longer struggle so much with anxiety. I hope, that you are alright, could probably heal and that you are also in a very good place.
I'm happy that you are setting good boundaries for yourself.

Kind regards

 

[13Fantasies]

Thank you for your answer and insight, I really appreciate it. I know what you mean, but I don't see myself as little and I think it would sober me up completely if somebody would call me little one. While I would find it certainly endearing to say something like 'yes, Daddy' to the right man only during activities everything else doesn't seems a good fit for me. At least from what I gathered about that dynamic. I prefer partners ten to fifteen years older than me, who treat me like an adult and are into watching french art movies with me or going to the theater or a jazz concert. Maybe I have a limited view of DDlg, but isn't that more of a safe space for people to embrace their inner child?

The idea of someone telling me when to go to bed would just make me mad. While I sometimes also enjoy feeling careless and young and running around in the flat, singing and dancing and maybe joking in baby talk, I think I have pretty adult tastes, don't own stuffed animals, do not like glitter, prefer strong colours over pink and baby blue, don't like unicorns or anything like that.

Again, thank you so much. All of you are really helpful, what an amazing community.

Like most BDSM, there is a large spectrum of DD/lg. Some use it as a way to allow peace and inner child personalities out. Others use it as a primarily bedroom activity.

However, I think most are in the middle. Any pet name (or none at all) can be used, the dynamic is all about respect, and there is growth and understanding on both sides.

I think a lot of people see the "Daddy" component and automatically think incest/child/etc and that is not always the case.

A good idea might be to discuss it with people who identify with the dynamic and see the different variations on it. It can be very surprising all the different subtleties.

 

[Britva415]

Am I a sub? Am I a bottom?

You sound like a bottom but you don't sound like a sub.

They often coincide but they aren't the same thing.

 

[filthytrancendence]

I'm so sorry for the abuse. Similar to you I grew up in emotionally abusive circumstances and needed years to build a really good, healthy safe life. I have a really nice place to live, successful finances, fulfilling work, fantastic and very close friendships and no longer struggle so much with anxiety. I hope, that you are alright, could probably heal and that you are also in a very good place.

Thanks, but no worries. I'm healing.

I feel like I probably overshared there and distracted from my own point. My point is, it's okay if your preferences don't align with what's 'normal'. The thing to do about that is just keep exploring.

And the other half of my point is that emotional abuse is about violating your agency. If somebody's doing something to violate your agency and calling it BDSM, that's just abuse. BDSM as a practice is a framework to attempt to ensure people respect each other's agency, even in extreme circumstances.

 

[Chilllax]

Not going to provide any answers here @Liberia because I am myself looking for one. But wanted to commend you on this very tight provoking and engaging thread. Learning a lot vicariously!

 

[Liberia]

Not going to provide any answers here @Liberia because I am myself looking for one. But wanted to commend you on this very tight provoking and engaging thread. Learning a lot vicariously!

Would you care to explain what provokes you?

Thank you and best regards

 

[barefootgirl69]

To add to this mix of terminology, there is also many who "surrender" or "submit" only in the bedroom. It's not a 24/7 Total Power Exchange (TPE).

At the beginning, I wanted all the labels. I wanted to know what I am, like you. Now, I find I only need them to describe myself to others. We are complex individuals and you may find a few labels you feel comfortable with.

The most important part is to explore where you feel comfortable exploring and keep learning and asking questions like you've done here.

Most of all, remember it's okay to be who you are, in or out of the bedroom.

 

[cascadiabound]

Like you I am a somewhat bossy, powerful , competent woman in my day to day professional life. Like you some people, including men, find me intimidating and behave themselves in my presence. But with my intimate partner and behind closed doors I am absolutely a submissive. I want all kinds of things, crave things, desire things that society tells us a liberated woman doesn't want or shouldn't want.

As others have said labels are useful to the degree they help you begin to understand/articulate your sexual needs and to communicate with others so they have a few handles to start with... but they are limited. And what you want, how you want to be will change over time and can depend on who you are with and what they desire.

There are quite a few old discussion threads around here that might be useful to you. I wrote quite a bit about these things when I was new on the board. And Daddy's Little Girl thread - especially the 1st two editions might give you some interesting reading. As @13Fantasies said there is a whole range within BDSM and within DD/lg. And like a buffet, take the stuff that looks good to you and leave the rest. No interest in age regression (me too btw), fine - you could still be someone who likes a DD/lg dynamic. Or maybe you have kinky needs but aren't otw submissive. Maybe you have some masochist tendencies but have no interest in humiliation. Also just fine. Explore what you like... Hopefully you'll find a partner you can honestly share your kinky inclinations and have him be a partner in meeting those needs.

It's super confusing to be a smart, capable person and also crave submitting sexually to a man. I've learned that thinking too much gets in the way of pleasure. I've learned to trust that if my pussy likes it, I should pay attention to that no matter how much cognitive dissonance it creates.

Good luck and enjoy the kinky journey.

 

[Chilllax]

Would you care to explain what provokes you?

Thank you and best regards

It's the part about potentially being multi-labeled and the search for the identity there in. Now, I am a male, so not sure if my search for my identity is any different than yours.
I guess I am stuck in a place where I feel a particular label is associated with only a particular set of characteristics/behaviors and I am battling that assumption, if you could call it that.
Long story short, I am a go with the flow person, but I am very much drawn to "submissive" type women. Does that make me dominant? That is kind of an anti-thesis to my main personality and hence a bit of a tussle.
Hope this answers your question.

 

[Liberia]

Like you I am a somewhat bossy, powerful , competent woman in my day to day professional life. Like you some people, including men, find me intimidating and behave themselves in my presence. But with my intimate partner and behind closed doors I am absolutely a submissive. I want all kinds of things, crave things, desire things that society tells us a liberated woman doesn't want or shouldn't want.

As others have said labels are useful to the degree they help you begin to understand/articulate your sexual needs and to communicate with others so they have a few handles to start with... but they are limited. And what you want, how you want to be will change over time and can depend on who you are with and what they desire.

There are quite a few old discussion threads around here that might be useful to you. I wrote quite a bit about these things when I was new on the board. And Daddy's Little Girl thread - especially the 1st two editions might give you some interesting reading. As @13Fantasies said there is a whole range within BDSM and within DD/lg. And like a buffet, take the stuff that looks good to you and leave the rest. No interest in age regression (me too btw), fine - you could still be someone who likes a DD/lg dynamic. Or maybe you have kinky needs but aren't otw submissive. Maybe you have some masochist tendencies but have no interest in humiliation. Also just fine. Explore what you like... Hopefully you'll find a partner you can honestly share your kinky inclinations and have him be a partner in meeting those needs.

It's super confusing to be a smart, capable person and also crave submitting sexually to a man. I've learned that thinking too much gets in the way of pleasure. I've learned to trust that if my pussy likes it, I should pay attention to that no matter how much cognitive dissonance it creates.

Good luck and enjoy the kinky journey.

You are a gem, thank you for long and thoughtfull answer, I will read your posts.

 

[Liberia]

A dom sub relationship is based on consent and clarifications. It is perfectly acceptable to want to be dominated just in bed and treated with respect should be mandatory in a relationship whether within a 24/7 or an ocaasional in bed D/s. Humiliation, name calling amd disrespect are only utilised when the sub asks.for.them.and even then a good dom treads very carefully with regular check jns amd debriefing. So my adivice is keep vetting until you find the right person. My opinion: within peogressive circles it ia difficult to find a proper dom.

I would imagine. You would be surprised how many men are into that: I know at least 3-4, who are into more hardcore stuff with whipping and everything. They do not know about me and will never know, but they exist. But I am not looking and agree, that it could be tough. Neoliberal men are not the tiniest bit attractive to me and I am pretty sure that that's mutual for them. So, for the moment everything stays as it is.

Thank you for your advice though.

Kind regards

 

[cascadiabound]

You are a gem, thank you for long and thoughtfull answer, I will read your posts.

Link to an old thread of mine:
https://forum.literotica.com/threads/submission-and-strength.1316024/

 

[cascadiabound]

A dom sub relationship is based on consent and clarifications. It is perfectly acceptable to want to be dominated just in bed and treated with respect should be mandatory in a relationship whether within a 24/7 or an ocaasional in bed D/s. Humiliation, name calling amd disrespect are only utilised when the sub asks.for.them.and even then a good dom treads very carefully with regular check jns amd debriefing. So my adivice is keep vetting until you find the right person. My opinion: within peogressive circles it ia difficult to find a proper dom.

I'm not sure what a "proper dom" is, but in my experience men of all political and social ideology exist in every part of the kinky spectrum. Just as it can be difficult for a progressive feminist to embrace their submissive needs/desires, progressive men who have a deep respect for women and value equality and diversity in educational, workplace and other settings to admit they want to sexually dominate their lovers including elements of control, power exchange, sadism etc. This is why honest conversation is so essential. Sharing a "secret need" is an extremely vulnerable thing to do, but it opens the door for them to also reveal their dirty secret kinky needs.

 

[Liberia]

I'm not sure what a "proper dom" is, but in my experience men of all political and social ideology exist in every part of the kinky spectrum. Just as it can be difficult for a progressive feminist to embrace their submissive needs/desires, progressive men who have a deep respect for women and value equality and diversity in educational, workplace and other settings to admit they want to sexually dominate their lovers including elements of control, power exchange, sadism etc. This is why honest conversation is so essential. Sharing a "secret need" is an extremely vulnerable thing to do, but it opens the door for them to also reveal their dirty secret kinky needs.

I seriously

In one case I could - unwillingly - hear a lot of things, because I was visiting and sleeping in the spare room and in the other case I knew the person was active in the community and also knew the girlfriend, who confirmed his statements.

No reason for me to disbelieve. There are some pretty sex-positive, progressive, queer-friendly spaces everywhere in the big cities, I suppose.

Of course, I do not know about the US.

 

[senior0074d]

It's Hard to Label Myself
The challenge I face is that labels are limiting. Yes, I may enjoy certain dynamics like being spanked or tied up, but that doesn’t mean I identify as a sub in every aspect of my life. Some days, I feel more dominant. Other times, I enjoy being the one who’s told what to do. I can switch between different roles depending on the person and the situation. The idea of being called a "good girl" or being made to submit doesn’t automatically mean I’m a sub — it's about the context, the trust, and the dynamic between me and my partner.
I’m Not Just One Thing:
I’ve come to realize that I’m complex. I can be dominant in certain relationships, but still enjoy submissive activities, especially when it’s with a trusted partner. Just because I like being taken care of or spanked doesn’t mean I want to be humiliated or controlled outside of the bedroom. The key here is trust. Without it, none of this works.

 

[PoetM]

Hello everybody. I wanted to ask those of you with lots of experience if you could give me some advice and help me with my questions. English is not my first language, so please excuse any spelling mistakes and grammar butchering.

I'm a woman in my twenties, doing a PhD, lurked for years on and off and wanted to ask some questions. Yesterday I read all 20 pages of the pussy spanking thread and then decided to be brave and make an account.

I want to find out what I am, because I am not sure if I am a sub. In my day to day life I am told that people, especially men, are a little bit afraid of me, I am a bookworm, pretty bossy and a little like everyones elder sister and genuinely enjoy helping others. Growing up I identified with Hermione a lot. As embarrassing as that my seem, I sometimes like to read Harry Potter fanfic and this is the place where I stumbled about the term "good girl" and other things. That did something to me, to put it mildly.

I am not sure if I am a sub, because I don't want to be humiliated, I wouldn't want to be a slave, called degrading names or feel disrespected. At the same time, I really enjoy putting my hands over my head, keep them there like a good girl and have my delicate parts spanked while keeping my legs open. Or being fingered and kneaded with two hands, one at the front and one at the backside. Or anal play, taking a pounding like a... you know.
I enjoy giving oral pleasure, not because of submission, but because it gives pleasure. I prefer men, but whenever I was with a women I just gave her the treatment I would like to receive, so fairly dominant and topping, I guess, and they loved it. I have few real experiences outside of the vanilla world, only with two partners I could enjoy the spanking and anal part and one, who was fairly older than me, made me spread my legs and let me have 6 orgasms until everything was raw.

One of those spanking guys treated me not as their equal and without respect outside of the bedroom and was ditched because of that. Later he apologized and said, that he found me so smart and determined that he felt insecure in his masculinity and that's why he treated me with this aggressive attitude. I accepted the apology but did not wanted to stay in contact. I need safe men around me. Most of my friends are male, I love feeling safe with them, I also have good friendships with my vanilla exes. So, I am afraid of the implications of my likings, you could guess. My exes are all super nice, progressive men who consider themselves feminists and enjoy an independent partner.

So, there's some fear of being not treated with respect by a man. Sometimes my female friends tell me that their male friends are on much better behavior around me, because they are a little bit afraid of me. I do not want to lose my "authority", I guess. But at the same time I love to be bossed around in the bedroom and love it if my head stops thinking for once, it's such an amazing feeling.
I know, that I like it since I was very young, because I know that what words or fantasies make me excited. I know what I fantasize about when masturbating. Even some CNC.

So what I am asking myself more and more:
Am I a sub? Am I vanilla, who is a bit kinky perhaps? If there's a chance that I can get a little pussy spanking and some other activities I'm constantly horny and want to have sex a lot. This also works with softer vaginal or anal sex where I'm verbally 'dominated' and have maybe my hands above my head. But with just kissing and the typical vanilla stuff I have a hard time getting wet at all. With the other stuff, I'm like the sea.

Also, I find myself drawn only to men with whom I can talk. I can't even feel a little attraction if somebody is not into something like music, theater, books, progressive politics or something like that. For me to feel attraction, I need intellectual attraction, which makes it even more complicated.
But I feel like I can't ask those men I know, because I am afraid of shocking them completely or having the next one treating me without respect.

Could you give me some advice what to do next? Do I even belong to the kink space? Am I a sub? Am I a bottom?

Thank you all and kind regards

Very well laid out. I'm an experienced Dom who has a fetish for all things sapiosexual/mental on D/s and kink. I've spent a lot of time over the years thinking through my own philosophy on kink and D/s and am pretty sure I could write a book or two at this point. I will just give you a few bits of my own insight on your situation.
A) First and foremost none of us fit in a nice neat little kink box. It's an ever changing thing that flows. I think a lot of people early on feel a need to find an identification. I believe our tags/labels are very useful in describing our interests and disinterests. Some people seem reluctant to describe themselves for fear they will be permanently identified. You won't be.
B) What you describe to me is what I refer to as a "warrior" sub. At a very high level I've come to find two types of subs. "Warrior" subs and sub subs. The later tend to be sub all the time. The former tend to be Dominant in their day to day but want to submit to a Dom behind closed doors.
C) You have a right to choose who you give your "sub respect" to. That respect differs of course from normal respect.
D) D/s (Domination/submission) stands on it's own. Don't confuse that with your other kink/bondage interests. Humiliation is a form of kink that does tend to fall under one of many types of submissive interests but you get to choose what type of submissive you want to be and what those kink interests are. A good Dom may well test your edges but won't force you into any that you aren't interested in.
E) Communication is key. Proper D/s takes patience and trust. Trust on more than one level in fact.
Anyway sounds like you have a good handle on your interests. Stay safe.

 

[Liberia]

Very well laid out. I'm an experienced Dom who has a fetish for all things sapiosexual/mental on D/s and kink. I've spent a lot of time over the years thinking through my own philosophy on kink and D/s and am pretty sure I could write a book or two at this point. I will just give you a few bits of my own insight on your situation.
A) First and foremost none of us fit in a nice neat little kink box. It's an ever changing thing that flows. I think a lot of people early on feel a need to find an identification. I believe our tags/labels are very useful in describing our interests and disinterests. Some people seem reluctant to describe themselves for fear they will be permanently identified. You won't be.
B) What you describe to me is what I refer to as a "warrior" sub. At a very high level I've come to find two types of subs. "Warrior" subs and sub subs. The later tend to be sub all the time. The former tend to be Dominant in their day to day but want to submit to a Dom behind closed doors.
C) You have a right to choose who you give your "sub respect" to. That respect differs of course from normal respect.
D) D/s (Domination/submission) stands on it's own. Don't confuse that with your other kink/bondage interests. Humiliation is a form of kink that does tend to fall under one of many types of submissive interests but you get to choose what type of submissive you want to be and what those kink interests are. A good Dom may well test your edges but won't force you into any that you aren't interested in.
E) Communication is key. Proper D/s takes patience and trust. Trust on more than one level in fact.
Anyway sounds like you have a good handle on your interests. Stay safe.

Thank you for your most kind and elaborate reply.

It's most certainly mostly a verbal, mental thing for me, I think I enjoy the game and pushing and pulling. One of the best flings I ever had was a perfectly plain looking, small friend, who wrote the boldest, smartest letters. I really enjoyed that.

I am smarter now, because I've made two amazing new friends, who helped so much already, I'm much more relaxed and don't care about that sub label any longer.
As a great artist and Jahwe said:
"I am who I am."

As we're speaking of labels: I doubt there's really something like sapiosexual, I think that's more of another label and the ongoing trend in neoliberalism to create non stop new identities and labels to give people special cultural chic and the feeling of specialness and belonging at the same time. Of course, intellectuals prefer intellectuals, because they share experiences and a common language, it's the same with other groups.

Is there something as a warrior-warrior-sub? One who even is a warrior inside the bedroom?

All the best and kind regards