Sexless Marriages

[Ciceri]

I'm in a sexless marriage because I'm not sexually attracted to women

 

[Whynotyeahwhynot]

Then why did you marry a woman.

 

[Hopeful1972]

Personally, I despise that my marriage has become sexless (once a year for three years). Despite my keeping on shape, attempting to be romantic, caring and thoughtful.
Yet having it described as "not important", grates my gears.

 

[Dadoftwo87]

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Guys, let's please remember that "just taking her" also in a marriage, is called rape. And this comment really makes me wonder what sort of expirience you base this claim on...

 

[firefox27eros]

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It is a really wise advice, especially if your spouse thinks the NO means NO, and you live in the wrong state and your spouse will find a good layer then you can easily find yourself in prison...
or in an expensive divorce procedure...
Would you really like from me to continue the list?

 

[Polranny]

First of all, I'm a terrible person to offer advice, you're younger than me, but I've been in your situation for a couple of decades. I regret not following thru with a separation/divorce in my early 50's. I was afraid my children would hate me, so I stuck it out. My wife would never even discuss our situation, much less be open to trying anything to help. Watching a TEDtalk by a woman, sex-expert, she said that even if you've had sex 4-5 times a year, that qualifies as a sexless marriage. That number probably adds another decade to my original number.

I'm now a healthy-74 year-old, who works out 4-5 times a week; for what, I don't know. Full disclosure, in the last 20 years, I've had a few FWB's, two were long-term. My last FWB moved to Florida with her husband several months ago, and I don't plan on doing that again. Yes, her husband knew about us, and we've had drinks and many lunches together, but that was all. Am I a terrible husband for going outside our marriage, probably so? At one point about 10 years ago, she said to me, I wouldn't blame you if you went outside our marriage, but I didn't respond and say anything.

My approach was that if my FWB was discovered by my wife, I would have calmly told her everything, rather than deny or lie about it. That was where my 'head' was after not showing me any affection, much less sex for 20-30 years. If she wasn't willing to discuss our 'problem' after many attempts I tried, then I wasn't going to spin some fairy tale about looking for sex outside our marriage. Kind of cold, I suppose, but I'm in the DGAF mind-set at this point.
Now, I'm practically a care-giver and driver for her many Dr. appointments; breast cancer survivor, several other surgeries and maladies plus in need of a knee replacement, which she won't do.

Our stories are almost identical

 

[stephen88]

First of all, I'm a terrible person to offer advice, you're younger than me, but I've been in your situation for a couple of decades. I regret not following thru with a separation/divorce in my early 50's. I was afraid my children would hate me, so I stuck it out. My wife would never even discuss our situation, much less be open to trying anything to help. Watching a TEDtalk by a woman, sex-expert, she said that even if you've had sex 4-5 times a year, that qualifies as a sexless marriage. That number probably adds another decade to my original number.

I'm now a healthy-74 year-old, who works out 4-5 times a week; for what, I don't know. Full disclosure, in the last 20 years, I've had a few FWB's, two were long-term. My last FWB moved to Florida with her husband several months ago, and I don't plan on doing that again. Yes, her husband knew about us, and we've had drinks and many lunches together, but that was all. Am I a terrible husband for going outside our marriage, probably so? At one point about 10 years ago, she said to me, I wouldn't blame you if you went outside our marriage, but I didn't respond and say anything.

My approach was that if my FWB was discovered by my wife, I would have calmly told her everything, rather than deny or lie about it. That was where my 'head' was after not showing me any affection, much less sex for 20-30 years. If she wasn't willing to discuss our 'problem' after many attempts I tried, then I wasn't going to spin some fairy tale about looking for sex outside our marriage. Kind of cold, I suppose, but I'm in the DGAF mind-set at this point.
Now, I'm practically a care-giver and driver for her many Dr. appointments; breast cancer survivor, several other surgeries and maladies plus in need of a knee replacement, which she won't do.

Oh I understand the driver part. I am a taxi driver. And the list of maladies grows. I will turn 67 in a few days. Yet the other day, I moved two tons of gravel to the floor in my new greenhouse. So, as you are still physically active in great shape, I try to do the same. I love being retired and out of doors. I bike, work in the yard and in the last month, have begun to play tuba in the local town band. The music isn't difficult as I have played in orchestras and wind ensembles. But it gets me out and meeting others. I secretly hope to meet someone. Yes, outside of the marriage vows. We'll see.

 

[BiggDogg91]

Anyone else with this problem?
I have a high sex drive and the wife doesn't.
Looking for others with this problem, and possibly helping fill our needs.

Sex doesn't solve all problems. Another thing I will say is that people get old.

 

[stephen88]

Sex doesn't solve all problems. Another thing I will say is that people get old.

No, it doesn't solve all the issuses. There are other things at play here. Communication being paramount. But if we can't talk about the problems, nothing is remedied. And yes. We do get old. But I intend to fight the entire way.

 

[Deepdesrp]

I've seen the comments that sex doesn't solve everything.

No it doesn't but it can be an indication that all is not well (Generalising here)

My own experience - pretty low on the sex scene but I haven't been looking at just penetrative sex.
I've been looking for enjoyment together - although I do have a higher drive than the wife. I have been on a quest to see if she will enjoy just me licking her lovely pussy and ass - and this had worked about 5 times last year.

This year she has enjoyed me more - some of the kids have left for uni and we have more time together alone in the mornings. SO on the mornings where we have a bit of time I've dared to kiss caress and give pleasure. So get rejected but not as much. She knows that I'm not just after a shag so it is working to some extent.

We even had a laugh after I had made a mess cumming on the bed - so finally a bit more relaxed.

I don't think she will get to my drive again (like the early days before kids) but think she is getting the message that we aren't done for yet.

Still weeks it doesn't quite come together but the feeling of closeness is certainly better.

So it's not just the sex - its the putting life's stresses to one side for a bit, I definately think she takes life tooo seriously at times.

 

[RoperTrace]

Sex doesn't solve all problems. Another thing I will say is that people get old.

No it doesn't, but try zero signs of affection over months and years. It's being a hermit living in a cave from other humans.

 

[BiggDogg91]

I think a lot of men are being selfish . Women go through so much more than men do. Especially when women get older. If it's all about good sex then why get married? Marriage is more than just what you can get.

 

[stephen88]

I think a lot of men are being selfish . Women go through so much more than men do. Especially when women get older. If it's all about good sex then why get married? Marriage is more than just what you can get.

Selfish?? I think not. Yes, I understand it is different for women. I have spent over 4 decades providing a safe environment and supplying needs. I've worked hard at multiple jobs to make this so. Yes, I understand it is different for women. I live with an RN. I have a better depth of knowledge than most. I have given a lot, gave up a lot, sacrificed a lot for my family. I regret none of it. It was the right thing to do. I just want some of the old touch and flame, instead of being pushed away.

 

[Easyvirtue]

Selfish?? I think not. Yes, I understand it is different for women. I have spent over 4 decades providing a safe environment and supplying needs. I've worked hard at multiple jobs to make this so. Yes, I understand it is different for women. I live with an RN. I have a better depth of knowledge than most. I have given a lot, gave up a lot, sacrificed a lot for my family. I regret none of it. It was the right thing to do. I just want some of the old touch and flame, instead of being pushed away.

PREACH! Amen brother! Marriage is about connection and sorry but sexual contact is 100% part of that, we are animals by nature and sexual contact is part of that! I’m gonna piss some people off but the animals don’t “feel tired” have “worked too hard” or “have a headache!”
Oh well.

 

[Deepdesrp]

Where I’ve been trying to get to is a time that we are both not tired (mornings mainly).

My wife has been so wrapped up in keeping the family straight - and I’ve been so wrapped up in career and making sure we have money.

Stresses both sides.

But generalising a bit I find stress relief in sex at times. She doesn’t. And can’t seem to have the need to be on a sexual relationship any more. We don’t need to produce kids any more.

But we are a couple - still after all these years. I’ve stated that I see her still as my girl friend - I.e friend and lover.

The loving - lover bit has come back a bit now.

It isn’t about scoring points on war of sex - but being a couple still and able to enjoy each other.

But as a guy I do have a need

 

[Deepdesrp]

Then what do I know
Life’s still a mystery - a bit like my wife

 

[CliimaxForYou]

I think a lot of men are being selfish . Women go through so much more than men do. Especially when women get older. If it's all about good sex then why get married? Marriage is more than just what you can get.

Dude. You’re the reason they have tampons in men’s restrooms. Jesus.

Come back when you leave mom’s basement and actually have a healthy adult relationship and no longer have your virginity.

You’re like the white dudes that drive big trucks. Small pexker syndrome. Big dog?????

 

[Dadoftwo87]

PREACH! Amen brother! Marriage is about connection and sorry but sexual contact is 100% part of that, we are animals by nature and sexual contact is part of that! I’m gonna piss some people off but the animals don’t “feel tired” have “worked too hard” or “have a headache!”
Oh well.

Hey, my man, if you know you are gonna piss off some people, I am sure you'll see this one comming. Let me please offer you a very heartfelt "go fuck yourself, you one-dimensional, inconsiderate arse."

Phew, glad I got that out of my system.... we're all still good right, since you were planning on pissing people off?

 

[BiggDogg91]

Dude. You’re the reason they have tampons in men’s restrooms. Jesus.

Come back when you leave mom’s basement and actually have a healthy adult relationship and no longer have your virginity.

You’re like the white dudes that drive big trucks. Small pexker syndrome. Big dog?????

I stand by what I said

 

[SassyPixiedust]

Because the richest country in the world is floating everyone else's free health care.

Where's the lie

 

[SassyPixiedust]

Does anyone have experience with a chronically ill partner? Im trying to figure out why I'm in a sexless marriage. I know part is stress. But I'm trying to understand why he all of a sudden just doesn't want to. Technically not all of a sudden at this point. He's not seeing anyone on the side, we've been through that. I try to be affectionate with him, he literally tells me to stop. I'm the chronically ill person. I have lupus and was taken off birth control. I know that was part of it for a while. But now it's just like roommates and I'm starving for affection.

 

[stephen88]

Does anyone have experience with a chronically ill partner? Im trying to figure out why I'm in a sexless marriage. I know part is stress. But I'm trying to understand why he all of a sudden just doesn't want to. Technically not all of a sudden at this point. He's not seeing anyone on the side, we've been through that. I try to be affectionate with him, he literally tells me to stop. I'm the chronically ill person. I have lupus and was taken off birth control. I know that was part of it for a while. But now it's just like roommates and I'm starving for affection.

Oh my , I understand.

 

[razor33a]

But I'm trying to understand why he all of a sudden just doesn't want to.

Has he seen a doc about anything like ed or drop in libido?

 

[SassyPixiedust]

Has he seen a doc about anything like ed or drop in libido?

I think he did, or maybe doc assumed because one time I went to pick up my meds, they have me his too, it was a rx for sidenafil or whatever the generic viagra is. He knows I know he has it, and of course i wondered if it was for someone else and now he doesn't even talk about it.

 

[razor33a]

Ok. I'm in ED land myself. There was a point when it started that I wasn't wanting to be with the wife and just handled my own needs. But I dove in finally and gave her the low down and am working with docs on it. We now can do other stuff together but seeing pics on here and videos does bring up "would be nice to do that" thoughts. I can totally get where it can really hit a guy hard. My only "advice" is that talking about it made it just a thing not a crisis, even though the quick treatments aren't working for me. Best of luck.