First story - seeking feedback - The Stand In

[np691981]

After over two decades of reading on this site and others, I finally wrote a story of my own. I would appreciate any feedback, positive or negative. I'm probably going to write another story soon but would like to pick up any tips I can before diving into the next one.
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-stand-in-5
Thanks in advance for anyone who even reads it!

 

[Nynah]

Looks like you already have a few comments on the story already if you wanted to check those out.

I will say off the bat that you can definitely write. Your command of sentence structure, dialogue and vocabulary made your work very easy to consume so no complaints there.

Content-wise, I agree with what others have already said in the comments section in that the story started strong but things got a little convoluted midway and did not have much of a payoff in the end. The dynamic between the MC and Lucy in the first half was flirty and fun and really made me feel like there was going to be something between them at the climax but the introduction of Kyle changed the tone and the interplay between them enough that it sort of deflated what they had. And for Lucy to not want Sam to watch and then for Sam to not even end up listening in kind of takes it out of the Exhibitionism & Voyeur category completely.

As for suggestions (which you are free to take or leave as you like), if you wanted to lean into the infidelity aspect of it (and change the category to Loving Wives), you certainly could, but that would likely require Sam and Lucy to hook up. Or if you wanted to keep it in E&V, you could have had Lucy be okay with Sam watching her and Kyle have sex, maybe even have been a little excited at the prospect.

Finally, I think most people on Lit expect some kind of "payoff" to a story in the sense of a sex scene detailed to a certain level of description, but you only gave us an abrupt fade to black into the immediate aftermath of what Sam did instead of listening in.

On the whole, I think you have a well-written story that started very well but lost its way halfway to the end and landed with a less-than-satisfying finish. Please don't feel discouraged because I definitely think you have the makings of a great erotica author and I'm looking forward to whatever you write next.

 

[np691981]

Thanks so much for the thoughtful feedback. I see where I got off track now, and I can think of a few things I could have done differently. I think one mistake was thinking of how the real people this story was very loosely based on would have acted, and not following where the story and the readers were naturally headed. I'm starting on another story and am excited to see how it goes. Thanks again!

 

[Nynah]

I think one mistake was thinking of how the real people this story was very loosely based on would have acted, and not following where the story and the readers were naturally headed.

This is indeed a difficult thing to balance sometimes. If you were telling this story on a website not focused around erotic content, I think it would have stood alone as a decent cautionary tale on the perils of Vegas and/or not hooking up with your attractive and married coworker. But since you published it on Lit, I think the audience here is expecting something a little bit more... salacious so I think leaning into the fantasy of what could have been is more encouraged over being true to who your characters were based on.

All that said, I'm looking forward to what you write next!

 

[TheRedChamber]

@Nynah 's feedback got me intruiged enough to go and have a look at this one. Congrats on the first story and definitely keep writing.

I agree that the story peters out. What I will say is that you could have written 'Colleuges hook up in Vegas' and you could have written 'Colleagues pretend to be married and she 'cucks' him'.Both would have been reasonable structures for a first story

The thing is, I've read both of those stories on this site, multiple times. You are a man after my own heart because you took a left turn with it and for a while at least, it wasn't clear where it was going and I was interested in knowing. I've played around with the idea of the cuck-wannabe, the guy who isnt even lucky enough to be a cuck and there are places it can go. I spent a long time during my drive thinking about what I would do with the story (I wont bore you with it because there were many many choices and no one definitive answer and no one likes having their stories rewritten)

I will say that there were hooks you could have done more with - the idea Kyle might be dangerous - the hero's sudden desire to call his wife - the fact that the encounter was only 'okay'. I felt like the story was just beginning to explore the directions it could take.

 

[TaskerFurness]

I would just echo what everyone else said where the story was fantastic in the first half and then fell off. It probably would have served better if Lucy's intentions were made clearer earlier. The lack of Sam watching or listening in kinda made it fall a little flat.

One way also it could have gone would be a swinging/wife swapping scenario where Sam and Lucy hook up with a couple and competing in noise.

I enjoyed reading the characters though and look forward to more of your writing.