when you accidentally date a narcissist

[old_hippy_46]

Sooooo been dating, (we'll call him) "slick" for a year. Kinks matched up great, banters in check, Hes handsome all that good jazz, right?

However....the warning bells start going off....women's intuition or what have you. I know he has his anxiety issues or whatever....HOWEVER...I noticed he is ALWAYS playing the victim whenever something happens and Mr. Domly dom here cant take care of anything. I have too.

Lost his keys. Yup. I had to call one of MY FRIENDS to go get his spare set. HE didn't even ASK his friends!
I had to pay for a plunger AND show him how to use it whenever his toilet was clogged. Can't be bothered to take his kid to school....has one of his relatives do it because he can't get up that early . (bro...what? seriously?)

Never initiates dates, I ask every time, and every time its always, "Well I gotta see whats going on...might be a couple hours." its been a year and i see him once or twice a week....if im lucky. Whenever I have had enough if his shit? He threatens to self harm. Well self harm or not, I blocked him today on all fronts. I think home slice needs a mommy domme not a submissive.

I mean am I over reacting here??

Your thoughts...please. Give it to me good or bad, I can take it.

I wish I just dated, I married a narcissist.

 

[flameinsidesoul]

You are absolutely not overreacting. You’re seeing clearly—finally—and you acted exactly as you should have.

Being a Dominant (or a man, period) isn’t about having kinks or a commanding voice when it’s convenient. It’s about carrying your own weight—emotionally, practically, and spiritually. If a man can’t unclog his own toilet, show up for his kid, or plan a date without being pushed… he’s not a Dominant. He’s a dependent, wearing a Dom’s costume.

A true Dom doesn’t ask you to rescue him. He builds a space where you can fall apart safely, because he’s holding everything steady.

Your instincts were spot on. He didn’t need a submissive woman. He needed a therapist, a babysitter, and a lifeline. You made the right call, even if it stings a little now.

Remember this:

Power exchange only works when the power is real—not just a fantasy he hides behind.

Good on you for choosing yourself. You’re stronger than you know.

 

[LeaHaven]

Sooooo been dating, (we'll call him) "slick" for a year. Kinks matched up great, banters in check, Hes handsome all that good jazz, right?

However....the warning bells start going off....women's intuition or what have you. I know he has his anxiety issues or whatever....HOWEVER...I noticed he is ALWAYS playing the victim whenever something happens and Mr. Domly dom here cant take care of anything. I have too.

Lost his keys. Yup. I had to call one of MY FRIENDS to go get his spare set. HE didn't even ASK his friends!
I had to pay for a plunger AND show him how to use it whenever his toilet was clogged. Can't be bothered to take his kid to school....has one of his relatives do it because he can't get up that early . (bro...what? seriously?)

Never initiates dates, I ask every time, and every time its always, "Well I gotta see whats going on...might be a couple hours." its been a year and i see him once or twice a week....if im lucky. Whenever I have had enough if his shit? He threatens to self harm. Well self harm or not, I blocked him today on all fronts. I think home slice needs a mommy domme not a submissive.

I mean am I over reacting here??

Your thoughts...please. Give it to me good or bad, I can take it.

I see two things about your bf (ex bf) that stand out in your post. 1) He always plays the victim, and 2) he threatens self harm when you can't deal with him anymore, which sounds like a fear of separation. Those two things make him sound more like he has Borderline Personality Disorder than Narcissism. Either way, you did the right thing to block him. I feel sorry for people with BPD or NPD, but that does not change the fact that they will wreck your life if you stay with them. I hope he can get some help, and I hope you find a more suitable bf. And btw, it was very intelligent of you to have noticed those symptoms.

 

[OddLove]

Every time I read through stuff like this, I become more terrified of dating. I'm 33 and had one relationship for about half a year and it wasn't what I would call a 'positive' experience, and I don't even think she was narcissist or anything. But it's impossible to fully know people, and we're going to discover more of the person AFTER our lives become more entwined. So breaking up can be very messy or just difficult to do cause feelings and stuff. Add manipulation in the form of threating self harm to the mix, it's a billion times more difficult.

I know there's 'red flags' for narcissism, but those red flags are probably near impossible to see when they're actively trying to attract people and it might be something that can only be noticed after a serious relationship forms.

Sorry you had to deal with that. Hopefully you can completely disconnect without too much drama and nonsense then move of to better things.

[EDIT] Not trashing my ex. We just wanted very different life's and had different core values.

 

[satanicbubblegum]

I get it completely...you don't completely understand people until they tell you who they are

 

[flameinsidesoul]

I get it completely...you don't completely understand people until they tell you who they are

People are like onions with mirrors inside.

They peel off layers (habits, masks, fears) to show you what they think they are… but the deeper truth often leaks out not in their words, but in their reactions. When life (or others) “push their buttons,” their raw, unfiltered self flares up—that’s the unmasked version.

You’re hinting at a paradox: We define ourselves, yet we’re also defined by what breaks through when we’re cracked open. The “funnel” isn’t just about others revealing themselves to you—it’s about them confronting their own shadows in the process.

Maybe the “easy tool” you sense is this: Watch how people respond to chaos, pain, or joy. Their instinctive reactions are clues to the hidden self they’ve buried—or haven’t met yet. And the same applies to you.

Life isn’t about “figuring out” who we are, but unknowing who we thought we were.

 

[MaturemanAJ]

I guess maybe people have different ideas what a narcissist is but to me he just sounds like a very immature man child.

 

[flameinsidesoul]

Exactly. A lot of people confuse plain immaturity with full-blown narcissism. True NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is a serious clinical condition—they need help, not just criticism.

That said, almost everyone has some narcissistic traits… most of us just don’t realize it. (I say this as someone who works around human behavior every day.)

Funny enough, my ex was actually diagnosed with NPD. At first, it was all charm and big promises. But slowly it became a world of gaslighting, silent treatments, and manipulation dressed as “love.”

It taught me: a narcissist doesn’t break you overnight—they do it in small, almost invisible cuts.

Just sharing a little hard-earned truth.

 

[MaturemanAJ]

T

Exactly. A lot of people confuse plain immaturity with full-blown narcissism. True NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is a serious clinical condition—they need help, not just criticism.

That said, almost everyone has some narcissistic traits… most of us just don’t realize it. (I say this as someone who works around human behavior every day.)

Funny enough, my ex was actually diagnosed with NPD. At first, it was all charm and big promises. But slowly it became a world of gaslighting, silent treatments, and manipulation dressed as “love.”

It taught me: a narcissist doesn’t break you overnight—they do it in small, almost invisible cuts.

Just sharing a little hard-earned truth.

They do need help but I would not hang around to get them through it.

 

[satanicbubblegum]

I guess maybe people have different ideas what a narcissist is but to me he just sounds like a very immature man child.

he is very much a mam child AJ...but he whispers very cruel things under his breath to me calls me a loser and ugly...then when I confront him on it...ohhh I'm hearing things or I must be crazy with the BPD. wtf ever dude...YOU'RE the one with the problems...hes just so sad. I feel so bad for him actually

 

[satanicbubblegum]

Exactly. A lot of people confuse plain immaturity with full-blown narcissism. True NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is a serious clinical condition—they need help, not just criticism.

That said, almost everyone has some narcissistic traits… most of us just don’t realize it. (I say this as someone who works around human behavior every day.)

Funny enough, my ex was actually diagnosed with NPD. At first, it was all charm and big promises. But slowly it became a world of gaslighting, silent treatments, and manipulation dressed as “love.”

It taught me: a narcissist doesn’t break you overnight—they do it in small, almost invisible cuts.

Just sharing a little hard-earned truth.

thank you for sharing this

 

[MaturemanAJ]

he is very much a mam child AJ...but he whispers very cruel things under his breath to me calls me a loser and ugly...then when I confront him on it...ohhh I'm hearing things or I must be crazy with the BPD. wtf ever dude...YOU'RE the one with the problems...hes just so sad. I feel so bad for him actually

Narcissists want total control over you normally cutting you out of your friends and families lives, they look for empaths and people who are into BDSM normally because of past trauma is what I have found.
I am not an expert so this is just my take.
They control you by belittling you verbally and many times physically abusing you until you are at your breaking point and then they turn to the sweetest person ever because they don't want to lose their victim.
Run, don't look back and it will be hard for most people. My friend she struggled for a year trying to stay away from him

 

[MasterDarcy]

He doesn't know to use a plunger?

Regardless.

I don't think he sounds like a narcissist. I just think he sounds useless.

The threatening to cut himself is truly the last refuge of a manipulative scoundrel.

Dump him and move on to a man who deserves you.

 

[AsianFusion]

"when you accidentally date a narcissist"

Though of course the narcissist knows it wasn't an accident, you were drawn inexorably as a moth to his flame.

 

[cowboyup6977]

I get it completely...you don't completely understand people until they tell you who they are

Or show you which is even worse

 

[satanicbubblegum]

"when you accidentally date a narcissist"

Though of course the narcissist knows it wasn't an accident, you were drawn inexorably as a moth to his flame.

exactly

 

[RoperTrace]

I thought he was 45-55 actually, worried about losing his looks and all.

I'd be happy to go back to my 45 or 55 year-old looks.