Is it menopause or husbands libido-destroying behaviors that is ending sexual intimacy?

[jackthelad11]

Several years ago I told my wife of over 20 years that her enjoying sex was so important to me that I would be fine with her having an occasional few hour fling with other men. I don’t mean having a boyfriend or opening our marriage - I'm taking about occasional one-off no strings attached sex. For example, having sex with a trust-worthy co-worker while away at a business conference.

Why did I do this? Because I believed that after menopause, anything that helped to restore my wife's sexual self-esteem and capacity for lust was ultimately good for our own sexual relationship. And I knew with certainty my wife was not going to leave me and our wonderful family just because she enjoyed 60 minutes of sex with another guy - no matter how great it was. So why should I not allow it, maybe even encourage it?

My permission was sincere and earnest. And I've convinced myself - whether it's true or not - that I'm now be in competition with other men for my wife's sexual affection. Some might think this is outrageous and unhealthy - but I feel like it encourages me to always give and show her my reasonable best. To never take her attraction for me for granted.

She's adamant she has no interest in taking me up on my offer, but I'm not sure that's entirely true - only time will tell. ..In any case, it's a good way to ensure I always tend to my own attractiveness, and try my very best to please her in AND out of bed. I truly believe that this at least partly explains why after nearly 35 years of marriage, we still have sex 2-3 times a week, and quite often initiated by her.

You say your wife is adamant she has no interest in taking up your offer........but you're not sure that's entirely true.
Why do you think that? Has she said or done something that has made you doubt her?

 

[TemptationTango]

Romance and white teeth will never trump zero female hormones. Unless hormone therapy is started and maintained....it's game over. You can't beat a royal flush in 5 card stud.....

 

[LMWM321]

Unless hormone therapy is started and maintained....it's game over. You can't beat a royal flush in 5 card stud.....

I disagree. There are many couples who continue to enjoy sex long after menopause, including my wife and I who have sex 2-3 times per week. My wife is not on HRT but she does use a topical estrogen cream to help with vaginal dryness and restore vaginal elasticity. It works wonders.

Sex after menopause is indeed different. The days of entering her then recklessly pumping away until we cum together are gone forever. Nowadays, it takes more foreplay, more focus on her clitoris, more rimming and fingering her anus, etc. Sometimes this leads to PIV, other times mutual masturbation. We don't always cum, but we ALWAYS enjoy what we did. So our sex life is great.

My wife still finds me sexually attractive, in part because I feel like I need to continue earning her sexual interest in me. I take care of myself, dress nicely around her, and I mind my manners, etc.. I always try to be charming and interested in her. Not bored with her company. I think this helps a lot.

 

[LMWM321]

You say your wife is adamant she has no interest in taking up your offer........but you're not sure that's entirely true.
Why do you think that? Has she said or done something that has made you doubt her?

She hasn't traveled to a business conference in quite a while but there are a few coming up. My wife is quite attractive so it's likely some attractive guy she works with will show some interest in her. Until she's in that situation, I don't think she knows exactly how she'll respond. But if she's had a bit of wine and if she truly trusts the guy to be discrete and to fully respect her expressed boundaries, she just might take me up on the offer. At least, that's what I tell myself. And yes, the thought of it does excite me quite a bit.

But whether she does or doesn't isn't important. What matters is I treat my wife as a woman who has other sexual options than just me. So I try to be the most handsome, charming, and exciting man in her orbit. That doesn't mean I always succeed, but I make it my general goal. And I credit this mindset for the great and frequent sex we still have after nearly 35 years of marriage.

 

[TemptationTango]

I disagree. There are many couples who continue to enjoy sex long after menopause, including my wife and I who have sex 2-3 times per week. My wife is not on HRT but she does use a topical estrogen cream to help with vaginal dryness and restore vaginal elasticity. It works wonders.

Sex after menopause is indeed different. The days of entering her then recklessly pumping away until we cum together are gone forever. Nowadays, it takes more foreplay, more focus on her clitoris, more rimming and fingering her anus, etc. Sometimes this leads to PIV, other times mutual masturbation. We don't always cum, but we ALWAYS enjoy what we did. So our sex life is great.

My wife still finds me sexually attractive, in part because I feel like I need to continue earning her sexual interest in me. I take care of myself, dress nicely around her, and I mind my manners, etc.. I always try to be charming and interested in her. Not bored with her company. I think this helps a lot.

All women are different. Some have no hormones and still have a very high sex drive. Others, like my wife lost all interest in sex & don't care if they never have another O. Then there are those in-between. Consider yourself very lucky, and I am truly happy for those like you. I tried everything for a decade, and yes the cream did help, but it can't create drive, so I gave up. It was a weight off my shoulders to take care of myself for a change & the sex outside of marriage is amazing. She is happier since the whole issue has been put to rest & we get along great.

 

[jackthelad11]

She hasn't traveled to a business conference in quite a while but there are a few coming up. My wife is quite attractive so it's likely some attractive guy she works with will show some interest in her. Until she's in that situation, I don't think she knows exactly how she'll respond. But if she's had a bit of wine and if she truly trusts the guy to be discrete and to fully respect her expressed boundaries, she just might take me up on the offer. At least, that's what I tell myself. And yes, the thought of it does excite me quite a bit.

But whether she does or doesn't isn't important. What matters is I treat my wife as a woman who has other sexual options than just me. So I try to be the most handsome, charming, and exciting man in her orbit. That doesn't mean I always succeed, but I make it my general goal. And I credit this mindset for the great and frequent sex we still have after nearly 35 years of marriage.

I'm am/was in a similar situation as yourself so am a little curious about your experience.

Does your wife know that her being with another man is exciting for you?
Were you always open to your wife being with other men or how did that way of thinking come about?

Sorry for all the questions - I'm not nosey - just curious!!!

 

[LMWM321]

I'm am/was in a similar situation as yourself so am a little curious about your experience.

Does your wife know that her being with another man is exciting for you?
Were you always open to your wife being with other men or how did that way of thinking come about?

Sorry for all the questions - I'm not nosey - just curious!!

No... Definitely was not always okay with it. And yes, my wife knows the idea excites me. But I have never and will never pressure her to do it.

Here's my explanation from a different thread.

why I would let my wife be with another man

 

[Mike302]

I disagree. There are many couples who continue to enjoy sex long after menopause, including my wife and I who have sex 2-3 times per week. My wife is not on HRT but she does use a topical estrogen cream to help with vaginal dryness and restore vaginal elasticity. It works wonders.

Sex after menopause is indeed different. The days of entering her then recklessly pumping away until we cum together are gone forever. Nowadays, it takes more foreplay, more focus on her clitoris, more rimming and fingering her anus, etc. Sometimes this leads to PIV, other times mutual masturbation. We don't always cum, but we ALWAYS enjoy what we did. So our sex life is great.

My wife still finds me sexually attractive, in part because I feel like I need to continue earning her sexual interest in me. I take care of myself, dress nicely around her, and I mind my manners, etc.. I always try to be charming and interested in her. Not bored with her company. I think this helps a lot.

My wife uses a cream like that, and we use water based, food grade lube.

I really missed her V last night, though. We'd teased eachother about protein for her earlier in the evening. Well, I came to bed right after her, but she was already out. Her standing order is for me to wake her up, not go to bed frustrated. She'd rather give me a BJ because it only takes 5-15m and it helps us both sleep. So I do and she's only on me perhaps 3 minutes and I really exploded! It was hard, long lasting, lots of squirts! It faded just a tad, and then I felt like I was going to cum again! That hasn't happened in a long time, though there are times I think I might, but don't. But this time it really felt like I was going to! So I started fucking her mouth, not too deep, which she likes. But being she was tired and mouth probably full of cum (I couldn't tell if she'd swallowed yet) I kept feeling her dang teeth! I needed the grip of her pussy and the keep moving to cum again, but instead I had her loose mouth and pain from scraping her teeth every stroke! It was like I had a great orgasm followed but a "ruined" one! I had to stop.

She apologized and said our angles got messed up and she couldn't keep her teeth off me. Obviously, I'm not going to criticize her, but man, I really needed her pussy last night!

 

[Ash999]

Has it ever struck a Hubby that many women prefer Tit spanking , Pussy Spanking and Ass Spanking to plain vanilla sex....some of her kinks need to be catered to....what gets her Nipples/ Clitoris erect with dezire/ OK desire....????
Research explore......seek and Thou Shalt Achieve Erotic Bliss

 

[GoodnessO]

Has it ever struck a Hubby that many women prefer Tit spanking , Pussy Spanking and Ass Spanking to plain vanilla sex....some of her kinks need to be catered to....what gets her Nipples/ Clitoris erect with dezire/ OK desire....????
Research explore......seek and Thou Shalt Achieve Erotic Bliss

Can be true, but I suggest asking 1st or at least starting very gently. Some women don't go for pussy spankings at all, & only light swats on the tits, & ass spanking a bit harder... but that's just me.
I put 1 Lit guy on ignore because he repeated wanting to spank my pussy, even after I said I don't like that.

 

[Ash999]

Can be true, but I suggest asking 1st or at least starting very gently. Some women don't go for pussy spankings at all, & only light swats on the tits, & ass spanking a bit harder... but that's just me.
I put 1 Lit guy on ignore because he repeated wanting to spank my pussy, even after I said I don't like that.

Honey 'Ur wishes R Paramount Commands to this Dominant Male: i Spank to Please my Sweetcheeked Ladies ---ash9

 

[Liberia]

She hasn't traveled to a business conference in quite a while but there are a few coming up. My wife is quite attractive so it's likely some attractive guy she works with will show some interest in her. Until she's in that situation, I don't think she knows exactly how she'll respond. But if she's had a bit of wine and if she truly trusts the guy to be discrete and to fully respect her expressed boundaries, she just might take me up on the offer. At least, that's what I tell myself. And yes, the thought of it does excite me quite a bit.

But whether she does or doesn't isn't important. What matters is I treat my wife as a woman who has other sexual options than just me. So I try to be the most handsome, charming, and exciting man in her orbit. That doesn't mean I always succeed, but I make it my general goal. And I credit this mindset for the great and frequent sex we still have after nearly 35 years of marriage.

Made me think about Esther Perel's book the state of affairs:


"Jealousy
The Spark of Eros

The Green-eyed Monster causes much woe, but the absence of this ugly serpent argues the presence of a corpse whose name is Eros.
—Minna Antrim

Q: Are there any secrets to long-lasting relationships?
A: Infidelity. Not the act itself, but the threat of it. For Proust, an injection of jealousy is the only thing capable of rescuing a relationship ruined by habit.
—Alain de Botton, How Proust Can Change Your Life
Euripides, Ovid, Shakespeare, Tolstoy, Proust, Flaubert, Stendhal, D. H. Lawrence, Austen, the Brontës, Atwood—countless literary giants have delved into the subject of infidelity. And the stories keep on coming, continuously supplied by new pens. At the center of many of these works lies one of the most complex emotions, jealousy—“that sickening combination of possessiveness, suspicion, rage, and humiliation [that] can overtake your mind and threaten your very core as you contemplate your rival,”1 as evolutionary anthropologist Helen Fisher describes it. Indeed, the canon of literature, along with theater, opera, music, and film, would be almost decimated were it to shed infidelity and its haunting companion, jealousy. The pages and stages of the masters are filled with characters contorted by this most excruciating and high-risk emotion. (...)

Scheinkman and Werneck are particularly attuned to cultural differences in the interpretation of jealousy. They write, “Recognized all over the world as a motivation for crimes of passion, jealousy is construed in some cultures as a destructive force that needs to be contained, while in others it is conceived as a companion of love and gatekeeper of monogamy, essential for the protection of a couple’s union.”3
My own experience working in the United States and around the world confirms Scheinkman and Werneck’s observations. In Latin America, the term “jealousy” is bound to appear in the first breath. “In our culture, jealousy is the gut issue,” a woman in Buenos Aires told me. “We want to know, does he still love me? What does she have that I don’t?”
“What about the lying?” I asked. She laughed dismissively. “We’ve been lying since the Spanish arrived!”
Such cultures tend to emphasize the loss of love and the desertion of eros over the deception. Hence, jealousy is, in the words of Italian historian and philosopher Giulia Sissa, an “erotic rage.”4 In Rome, twenty-nine-year-old Ciro has an expression of grim satisfaction when he tells me his plan to shorten his girlfriend’s night with her hot lover by slashing her tires. “At least now I don’t have to imagine her in his arms; I just see them waiting for the tow truck in the rain.”
In the United States, however, and other Anglo-Saxon cultures (which tend to be Protestant), people are remarkably silent on the subject of this perennial malady of love. Instead, they want to talk about betrayal, violated trust, and lying. Jealousy is denied in order to protect the victim’s moral superiority. We take pride in being above such a petty sentiment that reeks of dependency and weakness. “Me, jealous? Never! I’m just angry!” Stuart, whom I meet on a flight from Chicago, admits that it irked him to see his girlfriend flirting with some guy, in plain sight. “But I would never let her know that I felt jealous,” he says. “I don’t want her to think that she has that much power over me.” FYI, what Stuart doesn’t realize is that we may try to hide our jealous feelings, but the one who inspires them always knows—and sometimes even enjoys stoking the embers into maddening flames.
(...)
Until the 1970s, it was generally seen as a natural emotion intrinsic to love. Advice on the topic, not surprisingly, was exclusively directed to women, who were encouraged to control it (in themselves) and avoid provoking it (in their husbands). After 1970, jealousy fell out of favor, and became increasingly viewed as an inappropriate remnant of an old marriage model in which ownership was central (for men) and dependency inevitable (for women).5 In the new age of free choice and egalitarianism, jealousy lost legitimacy and became something to be ashamed of. “If I have freely chosen you as the one, forsaking all others, and you have freely chosen me, I shouldn’t need to feel possessive.”
As Sissa points out in her refreshing book on the subject, jealousy has a built-in paradox—we need to love in order to be jealous, but if we love, we should not be jealous. And still, we are. Everybody speaks ill of jealousy. Therefore, we experience it as an “inadmissible passion.” We are not only forbidden to admit we are jealous, we are not allowed to feel jealous. These days, Sissa warns us, jealousy is politically incorrect.6
While our societal rebalancing around jealousy was part of an important shift beyond patriarchal privilege, perhaps it has gone too far. Our cultural ideals are sometimes too impatient with our human insecurities. They may fail to account for the vulnerability inherent in love and for the heart’s need to defend itself. When we put all of our hopes in one person, our dependence soars. Every couple lives in the shadow of the third, whether they admit it or not, and in some sense, it is the lurking presence of potential others that consolidates their bond. In his book Monogamy, Adam Phillips writes, “Two’s company, but three’s a couple.”7 Knowing this, I am more sympathetic toward the intransigent feelings that modern lovers seek to suppress.
Jealousy is riddled with contradictions. As captured by the incisive pen of Roland Barthes, the jealous one “suffer four times over: because I am jealous, because I blame myself for being so, because I fear that my jealousy will wound the other, because I allow myself to be subject to a banality: I suffer from being excluded, from being aggressive, from being crazy, and from being common.
(...)
Certainly, jealousy that is rooted in patriarchal notions of possession could use some reexamination. And relationships in which couples seek to claim ownership of each other’s every thought can often be strengthened through loosening the grip. But before we consign the jealous heart to the pages of history, let us also listen for the whispers of eros. In a world where so many long-term relationships suffer much more from monotony and habituation than from unsettling feelings like jealousy, this erotic wrath may serve a purpose, if we are willing to bear the attendant vulnerability."


I think, that you feel you have competition definitely contributes, the same is true for knowing others find you desirable.

 

[LMWM321]

@Liberia

OMG!! A fascinating contribution to the convo, thank you for it! ..Forgive my asking, but did you use AI to write it? ..No judgement if yes.

Your post contains great insights into the nature of love, of jealousy and how you might not be able to have one without the other. ..And how jealousy hurts the relationship and the person consumed by it.

But it doesn't specifically address the challenges that couples face when their marriages lasts for decades.. something that may have been inconceivable to the people you quote. It wasn't long ago that most women didn't live much past menopause. ..Now, many people live into their 90's and seek to have full, vibrant, and exciting lives for as long as possible. ..So, then, how to keep the lust for each other alive after having had sex with each other literally thousands of times. How does this change the dynamics, and usefulness of jealousy? Or does it?

And as I've said, I too was a jealous and possessive husband, but the jealousy faded with time. The idea of letting my wife be with other men didn't "feel safe" until we had been together for 30+ years. And I've also pointed out, my ease with my wife being with others isn't because of ambivalence about our marriage. ..Not at all. I adore my wife, and our marriage and am very protective of both. ..But no longer possessive.

 

[Liberia]

@Liberia

OMG!! A fascinating contribution to the convo, thank you for it! ..Forgive my asking, but did you use AI to write it? ..No judgement if yes.

Your post contains fascinating insights into the nature of love, of jealousy and how you might not be able to have one without the other. ..And how jealousy hurts the relationship and the person consumed by it.

But it doesn't specifically address the challenges that couples face when their marriages lasts for decades.. something that may have been inconceivable to them. It wasn't long ago that most women didn't live much past menopause. ..Now people do and seek to live full, vibrant, and exciting lives. ..So, then, how to keep the lust for each other alive after having had sex with each other literally thousands of times.

No, it is a quote by Esther Perel, a belgian psychologist treating couples and unhappy lovers, she wrote one book about keeping the flame forever, mating in captivity and one about infidelity, the state of affairs.

You keeping attractive for her and thinking about possible competition made me want to quote it.

 

[Liberia]

Esther Perel helped me a lot to understand modern erotic better.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Esther_Perel

 

[SweetLips44DD]

There have been lot’s of posts lately about dealing with a wife's plummeting desire, and while some of it is inevitable due to menopause, I believe some of it can be blamed on many husbands' libido destroying behaviors.

As I see it, if you want sex with your wife to be more like it "Used to be" then tend to your appearance and manners they way it "Used to be" back when you were trying to impress her. Try to earn her sexual interest in you like you did when you were dating.

I have two friends in their late 50's who endlessly grumble about their wives' declining libido. And although they are both kind and loving husbands, they seem to make NO effort whatsoever to stoke their wife's desire with just a LITTLE bit of attention to their own attractiveness. As men we can't help our thinning hair, wrinkles, adding a few pounds, etc. But what about....

• Quit wearing the same tired clothes and update your wardrobe every few years.
• Clip your gnarly toenails every week. And if you have nail fungus, see a doctor and get it dealt with. Both of my friends have this problem and NEITHER has done anything about it. Gross.
• Don’t engage in intimacy without first brushing and flossing your teeth.
• Teeth don't have to be bright white, but they shouldn't be yellow. If they are, use a teeth whitening rinse for a few weeks.
• Don't leave the door open as you use the toilet - you're not a 5-year old.
• Don't poop in the bathroom as your wife is showering. Friend #1 sneaks in to do this and thinks it's hilarious when his wife starts screaming when she notices the smell. It's great for a laugh but not so good for her sexual interest in him. Apparently, he'd rather be a crude prankster than be sexually desired.
• Quit discussing the details of your daily pooping with your wife. Again, both of my friends do this all the time.
• Never spit or pick your nose in front of your wife (or anyone else, for that matter).
• Keep your mouth closed while eating and don’t shove so much food in your mouth it drips down your chin like some kind of monster.
• Don’t pick at your teeth in front of your wife (or anyone else, for that matter).
• Tend to your ear, nostril, and eyebrow hair. Yes, it's a cruel irony that this hair gets bushier as our heads get balder, but deal with it.

Am I forgetting some?

If this doesn’t impact your partner’s desire for you directly, maybe it will result in more smiles and glances from other women and perhaps knowing other women find you attractive will help to restore your wife's sexual interest in you.

Or just pin me to the wall and change my attitude your the hubby fix me

 

[LMWM321]

Esther Perel helped me a lot to understand modern erotic better.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Esther_Perel

Got it! And will definitely read the wiki and maybe her books as well. Again, that you for sharing it.

So what are your thoughts on the subject? How might couples keep the fire going for 40-50 years? ..And can allowing sex outside of the marriage help or is it destined to ruin a marriage?

 

[Scareltt]

Made me think about Esther Perel's book the state of affairs:


"Jealousy
The Spark of Eros

The Green-eyed Monster causes much woe, but the absence of this ugly serpent argues the presence of a corpse whose name is Eros.
—Minna Antrim

Q: Are there any secrets to long-lasting relationships?
A: Infidelity. Not the act itself, but the threat of it. For Proust, an injection of jealousy is the only thing capable of rescuing a relationship ruined by habit.
—Alain de Botton, How Proust Can Change Your Life
Euripides, Ovid, Shakespeare, Tolstoy, Proust, Flaubert, Stendhal, D. H. Lawrence, Austen, the Brontës, Atwood—countless literary giants have delved into the subject of infidelity. And the stories keep on coming, continuously supplied by new pens. At the center of many of these works lies one of the most complex emotions, jealousy—“that sickening combination of possessiveness, suspicion, rage, and humiliation [that] can overtake your mind and threaten your very core as you contemplate your rival,”1 as evolutionary anthropologist Helen Fisher describes it. Indeed, the canon of literature, along with theater, opera, music, and film, would be almost decimated were it to shed infidelity and its haunting companion, jealousy. The pages and stages of the masters are filled with characters contorted by this most excruciating and high-risk emotion. (...)

Scheinkman and Werneck are particularly attuned to cultural differences in the interpretation of jealousy. They write, “Recognized all over the world as a motivation for crimes of passion, jealousy is construed in some cultures as a destructive force that needs to be contained, while in others it is conceived as a companion of love and gatekeeper of monogamy, essential for the protection of a couple’s union.”3
My own experience working in the United States and around the world confirms Scheinkman and Werneck’s observations. In Latin America, the term “jealousy” is bound to appear in the first breath. “In our culture, jealousy is the gut issue,” a woman in Buenos Aires told me. “We want to know, does he still love me? What does she have that I don’t?”
“What about the lying?” I asked. She laughed dismissively. “We’ve been lying since the Spanish arrived!”
Such cultures tend to emphasize the loss of love and the desertion of eros over the deception. Hence, jealousy is, in the words of Italian historian and philosopher Giulia Sissa, an “erotic rage.”4 In Rome, twenty-nine-year-old Ciro has an expression of grim satisfaction when he tells me his plan to shorten his girlfriend’s night with her hot lover by slashing her tires. “At least now I don’t have to imagine her in his arms; I just see them waiting for the tow truck in the rain.”
In the United States, however, and other Anglo-Saxon cultures (which tend to be Protestant), people are remarkably silent on the subject of this perennial malady of love. Instead, they want to talk about betrayal, violated trust, and lying. Jealousy is denied in order to protect the victim’s moral superiority. We take pride in being above such a petty sentiment that reeks of dependency and weakness. “Me, jealous? Never! I’m just angry!” Stuart, whom I meet on a flight from Chicago, admits that it irked him to see his girlfriend flirting with some guy, in plain sight. “But I would never let her know that I felt jealous,” he says. “I don’t want her to think that she has that much power over me.” FYI, what Stuart doesn’t realize is that we may try to hide our jealous feelings, but the one who inspires them always knows—and sometimes even enjoys stoking the embers into maddening flames.
(...)
Until the 1970s, it was generally seen as a natural emotion intrinsic to love. Advice on the topic, not surprisingly, was exclusively directed to women, who were encouraged to control it (in themselves) and avoid provoking it (in their husbands). After 1970, jealousy fell out of favor, and became increasingly viewed as an inappropriate remnant of an old marriage model in which ownership was central (for men) and dependency inevitable (for women).5 In the new age of free choice and egalitarianism, jealousy lost legitimacy and became something to be ashamed of. “If I have freely chosen you as the one, forsaking all others, and you have freely chosen me, I shouldn’t need to feel possessive.”
As Sissa points out in her refreshing book on the subject, jealousy has a built-in paradox—we need to love in order to be jealous, but if we love, we should not be jealous. And still, we are. Everybody speaks ill of jealousy. Therefore, we experience it as an “inadmissible passion.” We are not only forbidden to admit we are jealous, we are not allowed to feel jealous. These days, Sissa warns us, jealousy is politically incorrect.6
While our societal rebalancing around jealousy was part of an important shift beyond patriarchal privilege, perhaps it has gone too far. Our cultural ideals are sometimes too impatient with our human insecurities. They may fail to account for the vulnerability inherent in love and for the heart’s need to defend itself. When we put all of our hopes in one person, our dependence soars. Every couple lives in the shadow of the third, whether they admit it or not, and in some sense, it is the lurking presence of potential others that consolidates their bond. In his book Monogamy, Adam Phillips writes, “Two’s company, but three’s a couple.”7 Knowing this, I am more sympathetic toward the intransigent feelings that modern lovers seek to suppress.
Jealousy is riddled with contradictions. As captured by the incisive pen of Roland Barthes, the jealous one “suffer four times over: because I am jealous, because I blame myself for being so, because I fear that my jealousy will wound the other, because I allow myself to be subject to a banality: I suffer from being excluded, from being aggressive, from being crazy, and from being common.
(...)
Certainly, jealousy that is rooted in patriarchal notions of possession could use some reexamination. And relationships in which couples seek to claim ownership of each other’s every thought can often be strengthened through loosening the grip. But before we consign the jealous heart to the pages of history, let us also listen for the whispers of eros. In a world where so many long-term relationships suffer much more from monotony and habituation than from unsettling feelings like jealousy, this erotic wrath may serve a purpose, if we are willing to bear the attendant vulnerability."


I think, that you feel you have competition definitely contributes, the same is true for knowing others find you desirable.

I read Mating in Captivity but it’s been a while. When I finish Haley Cass’s On the Same Page I’ll find it..