Lil_Jenni's Adventures, Past and Present...

[ShaneoD]

Sorry for being a fucking drama queen.

No need to apologize, it's your thread use it how you need to, and I hope it helped to get some of it out

 

[lil_jenni]

Just step back for a minute here. You trust him, yes? Just because parts of what's coming it might be uncomfortable, doesn't mean that the whole thing will be bad. You're going to survive whatever happens, and you're probably going to have some fun during the process. Not everything good in life is 100% good, even parts of vacations and weekend getaways can suck. So take the good with the bad, have the time and enjoy that.

If you have one of those moments, just step back and mentally remind yourself this is your life. Deserving or not, you got lucky. It's OK to enjoy getting lucky. If you're completely overwhelmed, and you tell him I suspect he will understand.

Thank you so much for your words. And rational Jenni gets that. Anxiety Jenni, however, can't stop worrying about it.

And yes, if I tell him, he'll understand. But I don't want to disappoint him. Then I'll start thinking about how I'm not the person he deserves, and I'll get caught in that loop and fucking drown in it.

 

[lil_jenni]

No need to apologize, it's your thread use it how you need to, and I hope it helped to get some of it out

Well, it is part of the reason I started my own thread. I was called a drama queen in other threads and figured I needed my own. But still...

 

[ShaneoD]

Well, it is part of the reason I started my own thread. I was called a drama queen in other threads and figured I needed my own. But still...

Not at all, it's quite endearing that you can be so honest and let yourself be vulnerable, and you always come through it too

 

[lil_jenni]

Not at all, it's quite endearing that you can be so honest and let yourself be vulnerable, and you always come through it too

So crazy is endearing, eh? I guess it's nice to know I'm not alone in being crazy.

And thanks for making me smile.

 

[ShaneoD]

So crazy is endearing, eh? I guess it's nice to know I'm not alone in being crazy.

And thanks for making me smile.

So glad I did, and right back at you (you made me giggle a bit)

 

[lil_jenni]

Ugh. Baby crying. The other one will join in soon. Gotta put my big girl pants on and go be Mommy.

 

[dkak001]

...And rational Jenni gets that. Anxiety Jenni, however, can't stop worrying about it.

Just let anxiety Jenni have her moment, and when she's had enough, just tell her it's time to be done.

And yes, if I tell him, he'll understand. But I don't want to disappoint him.

Even if he was disappointed, it's not the end of the world! Or the weekend for that matter!
After all these years, he probably knows you well enough to know when it's happening even if you don't say it. He might even know it before you do. (Similar shit happens to my wife, and I can see it happening long before she notices.)
If you need a break, take it. Then move on. Why ruin a whole weekend over a moment???

Then I'll start thinking about how I'm not the person he deserves, and I'll get caught in that loop and fucking drown in it.

So you're worrying about what you might worry about, in the future?

How can you step away from that feeling or those thoughts? You've dealt with younger children, what tricks have you learned to help them calm when they're in those sorts of situations?

(Funny story, my wife has this card on the fridge about how to deal with conflict between children. All the little tricks you can use to calm the situation. She uses those at work on her coworkers all the time. It's why that thing is laminated on the fridge! Hell, I think she uses it on me too! )

Point being, you have tools to deal with these things. Can you employ those on yourself? There is a lot to be said about mind over matter. Just gotta find that way to consciously overcome those unconscious thoughts. You are highly self aware, I don't see any reason you can't work your way through these things!

 

[ShaneoD]

Ugh. Baby crying. The other one will join in soon. Gotta put my big girl pants on and go be Mommy.

You're damn good at that too, if I remember right you can even flip people off while nursing at least one of them

 

[MischiefMakerAlways]

And you know what I hate the most? That I don't want the stuff I'm supposed to want. I wish I wasn't this fucking way. I wish I could accept it all without it making me feel like the whole world is going to come crashing down around me because a foul mouthed, nympho bitch like me doesn't deserve him.

Stop. Just stop there. Any therapist worth half their degrees will tell you that this is self defeating guilt that serves you no good. You want what you want. Period. You aren't a totally different person now than you were before, so this isn't new for your hubby. Don't take on the BS of other people. Don't assume you know your man's thoughts. Trust what he tells you and trust how he treats you.

Yeah, my head knows that, and I am trying to tell myself that it probably is the cae. He knows me. But the rest of me is trying to cope with the biggest panic attack I've had since I found out I was having twins.

I know anxiety is a real issue and I'm not detracting from that. Worrying about something means you'll suffer that concern whether it happens or not, so try and do what you need to soothe yourself and try to work those thoughts out and away.

 

[13Fantasies]

Alright, it's time to oust your husband clearly.

Who the FUCK does he think he is!? Flowers? Candy? God damn romance!?

Doesn't he know that all you want is to be so used and abused this weekend that you can't sit for a week and that the twins can't breastfeed because your nipples and breasts are so sore from the pleasure/pain combo?

Jesus fucking Christ let's put this guy out of his misery!

Or tie him up and let him watch. I'll try to explain what I'm doing as I use you all weekend, but he's got to pay attention! I don't have the time or patience for a remedial class!

 

[lil_jenni]

Stop. Just stop there. Any therapist worth half their degrees will tell you that this is self defeating guilt that serves you no good.

Oh yeah, my therapist would say that, and she would be quite stern about it, because we've gone over it ad nauseum. But when I get in this head space...

 

[lil_jenni]

You're damn good at that too, if I remember right you can even flip people off while nursing at least one of them

I can and a have.

 

[lil_jenni]

Alright, it's time to oust your husband clearly.

Who the FUCK does he think he is!? Flowers? Candy? God damn romance!

Oh yes. He likes that stuff. And, I'll admit, I've grown to like being on the receiving end... except on Valentine's Day, when the pressure to be a willing recipient makes me feel like my skin is going to crawl off my body...

 

[lil_jenni]

Just let anxiety Jenni have her moment, and when she's had enough, just tell her it's time to be done.


Even if he was disappointed, it's not the end of the world! Or the weekend for that matter!
After all these years, he probably knows you well enough to know when it's happening even if you don't say it. He might even know it before you do. (Similar shit happens to my wife, and I can see it happening long before she notices.)
If you need a break, take it. Then move on. Why ruin a whole weekend over a moment???



So you're worrying about what you might worry about, in the future?

How can you step away from that feeling or those thoughts? You've dealt with younger children, what tricks have you learned to help them calm when they're in those sorts of situations?

(Funny story, my wife has this card on the fridge about how to deal with conflict between children. All the little tricks you can use to calm the situation. She uses those at work on her coworkers all the time. It's why that thing is laminated on the fridge! Hell, I think she uses it on me too! )

Point being, you have tools to deal with these things. Can you employ those on yourself? There is a lot to be said about mind over matter. Just gotta find that way to consciously overcome those unconscious thoughts. You are highly self aware, I don't see any reason you can't work your way through these things!

I usually can. Earlier today, I got overwhelmed. But it's better now. Nursing can be incredibly calming.

 

[13Fantasies]

Oh yes. He likes that stuff. And, I'll admit, I've grown to like being on the receiving end... except on Valentine's Day, when the pressure to be a willing recipient makes me feel like my skin is going to crawl off my body...

Exactly! Can't he just bend you over and use on Valentine’s Day? Duh.

 

[dkak001]

I usually can. Earlier today, I got overwhelmed. But it's better now. Nursing can be incredibly calming.

Good, glad things have settled.

Actually, it releases oxytocin or some such. Not surprising it's calming, it's literally designed by nature to be calming and form bonds between Mom and babies.

Whatever happens this weekend, you got this!

Just don't forget the breast pump if you're going to be away for a few nights! Or you'll be fire hosing everything down!

 

[Purple_Fronds]

For what it’s worth…..

For the record I love that your husband loves that stuff, and as tough as it sounds like it is for you I would suggest it might be a tiny bit good for you.

He has shown time and time again with you an ability to fully and completely love you. Just as importantly he seems to provide some important guardrails for your more self-destructive urges. Which is what makes you such a great partnership.

I think men wanting and needing to be romantic to show their love to the people they love is very common, the notion that all they care about is sex is just a ton of crap.

I’m not indifferent to the very real feelings your having, I’m just trying to provide the perspective that sometimes in your desire to serve him and be submissive to him that giving him what he truly wants which is for him to show his love you for you is what you both deserve and maybe rather than confer on to yourself your unworthiness to this attention remind yourself that this is what he needs and that you’re going to be an amazing recipient of his romantic tendencies because you honor him.

Good luck but having read your thread for a while I know you won’t need it, you’re a very strong person and you’ll be fine.

 

[lil_jenni]

You are all very sweet, and I was a mess of anxiety yesterday. Today is much better. I just could not break out of the thought loops yesterday.

I told Hubby what I was feeling, and of course he understood, like rational me knew he would. But when I get in that headspace, all kinds of fears and insecurities are magnified beyond what is reasonable.

He does have something planned, and he does want to keep it a surprise, but he assured me my fears were unwarranted and that he knows me too well to go into full "romantic" mode for an entire weekend. And today, I'm good with that. Yesterday... I would not have been.

You all think he's lucky. But trust me, I'm the one who is lucky.

 

[13Fantasies]

You are all very sweet, and I was a mess of anxiety yesterday. Today is much better. I just could not break out of the thought loops yesterday.

I told Hubby what I was feeling, and of course he understood, like rational me knew he would. But when I get in that headspace, all kinds of fears and insecurities are magnified beyond what is reasonable.

He does have something planned, and he does want to keep it a surprise, but he assured me my fears were unwarranted and that he knows me too well to go into full "romantic" mode for an entire weekend. And today, I'm good with that. Yesterday... I would not have been.

You all think he's lucky. But trust me, I'm the one who is lucky.

Both things can be true on the lucky side.

 

[lil_jenni]

First time back in the gym with my trainer today. My leg strength is still good, probably because I walk around the house a lot, usually holding at least one Baby. But I have some toning work to do.

My upper body strength is way down, however. She's putting me on an accelerated schedule because she says I'm still in the window to get it back quickly. After looking at the schedule, I'm of the mind that I'm as strong as I need to be. Fuck. I think she's trying to kill me.

She also wants me to drop twenty pounds. I negotiated to ten. I have no desire to get back to where I was before this pregnancy. I'm good being a little thicker at this point in my life (and that's true for the first time in my life). Hubby's good with it too.

 

[lil_jenni]

Of course, the day I had my panic attack, I was overthinking fucking everything. Our weekend was awesome and included things we both like.

I especially liked the red patent leather cuffs and collar I received.

Oh, and sex in the snow. I mean, it was cold as fuck, but also exhilarating.

 

[13Fantasies]

Of course, the day I had my panic attack, I was overthinking fucking everything. Our weekend was awesome and included things we both like.

I especially liked the red patent leather cuffs and collar I received.

Oh, and sex in the snow. I mean, it was cold as fuck, but also exhilarating.

Either.very secluded or everyone enjoyed the free snow show.

 

[lil_jenni]

Either.very secluded or everyone enjoyed the free snow show.

Very secluded. Hell, I wasn't sure my Explorer was going to make it because the cabin is remote and there was a lot of snow. But it did fine.

I am currently trying to talk Hubby into buying our own cabin. That would probably mean I'd have to go back to work next school year... and give up my dream of owning a Cayenne in the foreseeable future. But I would so love to have our own cabin in the mountains...

 

[13Fantasies]

Very secluded. Hell, I wasn't sure my Explorer was going to make it because the cabin is remote and there was a lot of snow. But it did fine.

I am currently trying to talk Hubby into buying our own cabin. That would probably mean I'd have to go back to work next school year... and give up my dream of owning a Cayenne in the foreseeable future. But I would so love to have our own cabin in the mountains...

I'd say cut out the Cayenne. I think you'd both prefer you at home with the kids. At least for a couple of years