Guys what’s the Secret to a Long-Lasting Relationship ?

[Representingmyhotwife]

For those who’ve been in long relationships, how do you keep the connection strong through the ups and downs?

 

[ThatIrishGirl]

From a sexual stand point,
be really open about kinks. To be able to tell your partner what you want of fantasise about. Even if they don't like it, being told wow, that's cool but it's not really my thing, no judgement.
It's the same in everyday life, big road blocks will pop up but respecting each other in the darkest of times is a must

 

[LMWM321]

I'm assuming you're asking about a relationship that was healthy and mutually valued at the outset. Some are, but sadly, some aren't. So, how to keep a "good" relationship going?

If you want the relationship with your partner to be like "it used to be" then DON'T take her love, affection and sexual attraction for granted. Continue to earn it the they way it "Used to be" back when you were trying to impress her every time you went on a date.

I have two friends in their late 50's who endlessly grumble about their wives' declining libido. And although they are both kind and loving husbands who adore their wives, they seem to make NO effort whatsoever to stoke their wives' desire with just a LITTLE bit of attention to their own attractiveness. As men we can't help our thinning hair, wrinkles, adding a few pounds, etc. But what about....

• Tell your wife that she's beautiful and MEAN it! Don't do it only when you want sex, do it every single day.
• Quit wearing the same tired clothes and update your wardrobe every few years.
• Clip your gnarly toenails every week. And if you have nail fungus, see a doctor and get it dealt with. Both of my friends have this problem and NEITHER has done anything about it.
• Brush and floss your teeth before intimacy.
• Teeth don't have to be bright white, but they shouldn't be yellow. If they are, use a teeth whitening rinse for a few weeks.
• Don't leave the door open as you use the toilet - you're not a 5-year old.
• Don't poop in the bathroom as your wife is showering. Friend #1 sneaks in to do this and thinks it's hilarious when his wife starts screaming when she notices the smell. It's great for a laugh but not so good for her sexual interest in him. Apparently, he'd rather be a crude prankster than be sexually desired.
• Quit discussing the details of your daily pooping with your wife. Again, both of my friends do this all the time.
• Never spit or pick your nose in front of your wife.
• Keep your mouth closed while eating and don’t shove more food in your mouth than you can chew without looking like some kind of monster.
• Don’t pick at your teeth in front of your wife. Friend #1 does this constantly, even in a restaurant, and it's nauseating.
• Tend to your ear, nostril, and eyebrow hair. Yes, it's a cruel irony that this hair gets bushier as our heads get balder, but deal with it.

Am I forgetting some?

Bottomline: It's wonderful to feel totally relaxed and comfortable around your wife, but don't get complacent about her attraction toward you. ..It takes work and commonsense manners to preserve it.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

Mutual respect

 

[frappingwilly]

I've been married 3x so I'm reading this thread with interest

 

[Representingmyhotwife]

I've been married 3x so I'm reading this thread with interest

What do u think about this advice?

I'm assuming you're asking about a relationship that was healthy and mutually valued at the outset. Some are, but sadly, some aren't. So, how to keep a "good" relationship going?

If you want the relationship with your partner to be like "it used to be" then DON'T take her love, affection and sexual attraction for granted. Continue to earn it the they way it "Used to be" back when you were trying to impress her every time you went on a date.

I have two friends in their late 50's who endlessly grumble about their wives' declining libido. And although they are both kind and loving husbands who adore their wives, they seem to make NO effort whatsoever to stoke their wives' desire with just a LITTLE bit of attention to their own attractiveness. As men we can't help our thinning hair, wrinkles, adding a few pounds, etc. But what about....

• Tell your wife that she's beautiful and MEAN it! Don't do it only when you want sex, do it every single day.
• Quit wearing the same tired clothes and update your wardrobe every few years.
• Clip your gnarly toenails every week. And if you have nail fungus, see a doctor and get it dealt with. Both of my friends have this problem and NEITHER has done anything about it.
• Don’t engage in intimacy without first brushing and flossing your teeth.
• Teeth don't have to be bright white, but they shouldn't be yellow. If they are, use a teeth whitening rinse for a few weeks.
• Don't leave the door open as you use the toilet - you're not a 5-year old.
• Don't poop in the bathroom as your wife is showering. Friend #1 sneaks in to do this and thinks it's hilarious when his wife starts screaming when she notices the smell. It's great for a laugh but not so good for her sexual interest in him. Apparently, he'd rather be a crude prankster than be sexually desired.
• Quit discussing the details of your daily pooping with your wife. Again, both of my friends do this all the time.
• Never spit or pick your nose in front of your wife.
• Keep your mouth closed while eating and don’t shove more food in your mouth than you can chew without looking like some kind of monster.
• Don’t pick at your teeth in front of your wife. Friend #1 does this constantly, even in a restaurant, and it's nauseating.
• Tend to your ear, nostril, and eyebrow hair. Yes, it's a cruel irony that this hair gets bushier as our heads get balder, but deal with it.

Am I forgetting some?

Bottomline: It's wonderful to feel totally relaxed and comfortable around your wife, but don't complacent about her attraction to you. ..It takes work and commonsense manners to preserve it.

 

[Mrs_and_mr]

Good communication about everything. And doing the dishes.

 

[JennyCapricorn]

Hubby and I are approaching 26 years and the advice set above works for a lot of things. It's insane that you have to include basic bodily care on this, as well as baseline bathroom respect, but I suppose men who know this don't need advice.

Hubby doesn't just tell me I'm beautiful as rote - he means it, he takes pictures of me in new outfits so I feel hot in them, he brushes up against me, touches me, reminds me how he feels every day - but he also reminds me I'm smart, funny, strong, capable... all the other things someone needs to hear.

He cooks dinner a couple nights a week and got really good at it. The things he does do as rote are his half of the child and house care, so that it doesn't feel like he's vacuuming for a blowjob. He's taking care of himself physically, and since he lost a lot of weight he's updating his wardrobe with the intent of finding a style that makes him feel good and makes me think he looks hot (those are often the same thing).

We share our sexual desires, kinks, needs, openly. If he wasn't doing everything else he does I would never have felt comfortable opening the relationship up the way we have.

He lets me know he wants _me_. Not just sex. Not just women. _Me._

 

[LMWM321]

It's insane that you have to include basic bodily care on this, as well as baseline bathroom respect,

Agree - 100% ...It is totally insane that this needs to be pointed out - but it does. I mention just two friends in particular, but I know many guys who love that their wives are so attentive to their beauty but seem to pay NO attention to their own. Age and time take their toll on all of us - there's no shame in that - but there's no excuse for lapses in manners, hygiene and not wanting to look as nice as you reasonably can for your partner.

Being kind, loving, and an empathetic partner are of course THE MOST important elements of a marriage, but they are not sufficient. People should never take their partners physical attraction toward them for granted. They need to work to preserve it. Just as you have beautifully described.

 

[LoneMilf]

Basic hygiene, definitely.
But I don't get the 'bathroom respect' part at all. If you're willing to share every part of yourself with someone and has been doing that for years, why the need for closed doors?

Personally, I think the most important part of a long lasting relationship is to have some common dreams and work towards them together

 

[Mrs_and_mr]

Basic hygiene, definitely.
But I don't get the 'bathroom respect' part at all. If you're willing to share every part of yourself with someone and has been doing that for years, why the need for closed doors?

Personally, I think the most important part of a long lasting relationship is to have some common dreams and work towards them together

As to the bathroom respect. We poop alone but other than that we share the bathroom well. It’s funny we have 2 sinks in the bathroom (his and hers) when we brush at night we share one sink even tho it’s very inconvenient because I like warm water and she likes cold to brush but we got it figured out.

 

[ericrodman101]

How long are we talking? Overnight? The whole weekend?

 

[hiker283]

Skin to skin touch, every day, is very important.

 

[MarionsLover]

Constant communication as your lives change through the years.
Every day you've got to CHOOSE to be in that relationship.
Are you perfect? Then why expect your partner to be perfect? You've got to be forgiving of each other.

 

[NCWSLvr]

We are completely ourselves. No filters, no good behavior, no secrets. We’ve been in each others lives for 29 years, together for 25. We never joke at each others expense, thats what we do to the rest of the world. We care what the other one wants and do everything in our power to make that happen.

 

[Lifestyle66]

I like to think I maintained our relationship through tolerance ... until there was no reason to continue. Then, when the kids were grown and out of the house, I began wondering "What's in this for me?"

Now after our divorce, I'm much happier after finding things which were missing in my first marriage. But not everyone finds things better after a divorce.

So, in my experience, the secret to a long-lasting relationship might be to never ask "What's in it for me? I may as well stick it out until I'm dead."

 

[PapaRomantic]

Love. Trust. Commitment. Communication.

We have been married 42 years. Some of these are not present now, and it's a struggle...

 

[LMWM321]

For us a big key to keeping the affection alive was realizing that although menopause did NOT mean the end of sex, it did mean that sex would forever be very different.

My wife struggled with enjoying sex after menopause and the reason was largely because we BOTH put pressure on her to continue having orgasms just as she did before, and when it didn't happen it lead to apprehension and stress that carried forth to the NEXT time we had sex - OR it lead to sexual avoidance. It became a cycle of over-expectation then crushing disappointment. And when it was clear orgasms weren't going to happen, my idiotic response was to try to "liven" things up being more sexually forward with more lust, more passion, etc.. It was often counter-productive. As an example, one night I convinced her to watch a porn clip even though decades earlier she told me she doesn't enjoy porn and doesn't want me pestering her to watch it.. My hope was if she saw a bunch of super handsome dudes with gorgeous cocks having sex, it would re-ignite her interest.

As she watched the group sex scene unfold (two guys, two women) her eyes began filling with tears. She then turned to me and said, "Why would you think watching a bunch of hot, tight-bodied 30-somethings orgasming with ease would do ANYTHING but make me feel WORSE about my body and my struggle to enjoy any kind of sexual stimulation?" Ugh...My heart sunk. I badly misjudged and felt terrible for it.

A few weeks later, she brought it up with her OBGYN, then Primary Care Physician, who prescribed Estrodiol Cream and suggested we see a sex therapist. We both agreed that sex was way too important to go without so we took her advice and found a therapist. In brief, she helped us realize that the goal of sex going forward should NOT be to have orgasms but rather to simply enjoy being naked and close and enjoy each others' touch and caresses and, if my wife is receptive, whatever may come next. Her advice seemed so fucking obvious, but the idea eluded us - it was a godsend. It wasn't long before my wife resumed having orgasms - albeit only occasionally, and very different than before. And I'm careful these days to not ask if she had one or make a big deal of it either way. The question I now ask is, "Did you enjoy that?" and the answer is always yes regardless of whether it was just touching, or if it lead to oral, dildo penetration, or full PIV (which she wants only about 1/3 of the time because it's often painful - and only then with lots of lube).

My point? That couples need to expect that sex will be quite different after menopause. That they will need to proceed more slowly, more cautiously and PIV will likely require lots of quality lube and may not last long before it becomes unpleasant for her. And if neither of you expect an orgasm, then neither of you will be disappointed if it doesn't happen. ..Just make enjoyment of 20-30 minutes of touching - whatever it's form - the goal. Do that and you'll never be let down and good sex can continue indefinitely.

 

[anaughtywife]

we have been together 40 years...married 38 this year..
when we got together, we said, we did not want someone to live with...
but someone we could not live without....
we both feel the same now.. I say I found my perfect....
I still get that flutter at work, when he is mentioned...
we cook and clean together, always have...
not one made a mess, so why not, both clear it up? it really can be fun...
but our hobbies we share also...
and are many and varied....
the affection we share is never hidden...
an accident on the beach and exposing myself surprised us..
it was also a very good thing to happen...
it opened up our naughty side...
helped us explore it.. and talk openly...
we never keep secrets as someone once said, secrets lead to lies ,and they hurt ...
hygiene is important, but never a problem..
we shower often together..
quite often if one gets home first, bath run, bubbles, candles etc..
ok we both end up in it normally... but the thought of wanting the other to relax...
but the little gestures mean so much, even a text during the day..
with, I miss you....
I never question if I am loved, I know I am...
but I make sure he knows he is loved...
we have always made us time even when life gets tough...
we think of the other, before ourselves.. in all aspects including sex...
because the other's pleasure is ours....

 

[rthnck]

Communication is indeed the foundation of successful long term relationship but that's only the main necessity. The other part is what a partner does with the information. Mismatched libidos are very hard to manage if partners can't find a compromise. In my case, I do plenty of things to make my spouse feel special, wanted, desired, and loved. I do the majority of the housework, and have been very clear in my communications about my sexual needs, including touching, cuddling and yet there is very little effort made on her part to approach even a modicum of my desires. After 30+ years, the sex has gone from amazing to adequate. Disappointing and depressing.

 

[SPARTAN047]

Too much honestly would kill it, but don't hide critical things which would be found out. Ex wives, ex husbands, kids, etc.

Set reasonable expectations. Your parents might have treated you like a prince or princess. Those days are over. You're not a prince, princess, king or queen in the sense of being in a relationship. As Chris Rock said, you're both there to serve.

 

[Britva415]

For those who’ve been in long relationships, how do you keep the connection strong through the ups and downs?

It takes two. There's nothing which one partner can do to ensure that the other partner will hold up their end of it.

So, you have to trust each other.

I'll tell you what, though, there's a particular thing we can do to make sure that we aren't the ones who escalate the expression of feelings into a serious conflict or argument. It's this:

When a partner says something like "you always" or "you never" or makes some other statement which triggers us into wanting to defend ourselves and challenge the statement they made, it's true that those statements might not be fair and it's true that they might not be literally true, but understand that what the partner needs at that moment probably isn't a fact-check or a push-back from a position of defensiveness. There are times and there are some statements which do call for that - we are allowed to have boundaries.

However, a better reaction than "Nuh uh!" or "How can you say I never [...]? I just did it this morning!" is to react as if the person had said it this way: "I feel like you never [...] right now."

That might not be what they said, and it might not be how your reactive nervous system heard and received it, but try to override the reflex to push back and react defensively. Instead, try to react as if they expressed a feeling they're presently having, instead of reacting as if they expressed a hard factual statement which you can - you must - pick apart.

That's what they need, emotionally, at the moment. They don't need to feel like you're ignoring their feelings by lawyering up and fact-checking them. When you do that, emotional connection fails. When you react to their feelings instead of their bare literal statement, emotional connection forms.

Of course they're communicating badly - I'm not ignoring that. In a different, separate conversation, it's fine to tell them, "When you make literal and absolute statements like that, I feel like I'm being blamed and judged and accused, and I hate that. Please try to stop doing that and use grownup words about your feelings, instead of distorting the facts. That will make me want to pay attention to your feelings and needs, and not make me want to push back and make it about me."

We owe it to each other to each try to improve. We can ask them to try to work on nonviolent communication, and at the same time, we can pay attention to what they mean when we hear them say "You don't care!" They mean that right now they feel like we don't care. That's a 100% factual statement which we don't have to defend against. All we have to do is show them we heard them and understand that feeling. We also have to keep in mind that that's how they feel at the moment - they aren't going to feel that way forever.

Let them let it out, and then have hot makeup sex once they've let it out and you've witnessed them. They'll feel better and you'll be the one who got them there, by being mature enough and emotionally stable enough to not get triggered by their feelings.

You just made a connection, and connection is what you were asking about.

Sure - I really, really wish people would always say what they mean, and say that this is how they feel rather than this is what they really believe is the literal absolute constant truth. But people don't always even know what they think - once they have expressed feelings like this, and we have heard them, witnessed them, and shown them they can trust us to do so, once we have demonstrated respect for their right to feel feelings, then, their thinking and beliefs will snap into focus and they'll no longer want to insist that "You don't care!" or "you always [...]" or "you never [...]." They will backtrack away from what look like statements of objective fact (factually wrong, but still objectively factual statements) and we'll then see them state that they didn't really mean it or don't still feel that way.

Be strong enough to land that plane when you're at risk of becoming triggered. You can still have a separate conversation, later, about your own needs and boundaries, if something came up and you really do need to set the record straight. But first, just trust the other person to feel feelings and to then resolve them if the feelings aren't challenged when they show them to you. Because that's what you're challenging, if you take the bait - you're challenging their feelings, not the facts. And that feels like an attack to them and dramatically escalates their present difficulty. It creates a whole new problem.

A lot of people probably have friends they can talk that way to, and the friend understands they don't mean the statements literally, they just represent feelings. "He doesn't care," "she always, "they never" - a friend with no stakes in the matter can hear these things and make space for the person to just express them as feelings. It's a lot harder for the partner to do that, but, if the friend can do it, if the friend can understand that they're saying how they feel, the partner can learn to do it too.

As the partner, maybe also make a point of learning from this that we, too, could smooth things out and move conversations along by using "I feel" statements instead of factual statements which aren't literally true. We can't know if they care, but we can know that we feel like they don't care. It's probably not true that they always or never [...], but it's certainly true that we feel like they always or never [...]. Saying so goes a long way toward creating a successful conversation instead of creating a triggered partner.

This also makes a connection, and connection is what you asked about.

It takes two. These are two things you can do: 1, Hear statements about feelings as statements about feelings, even if they aren't saying "I feel," and 2, express feelings as feelings and not as objective (and wrong) statements. If you can do them, great, if you both can do them, much better.

Listening/hearing them is receiving connection from them. Expressing feelings to them is extending connection to them. Don't be the one who destroys connection by failing to recognize feelings (disguised as statements of fact). Don't be the one who fails to establish connection by failing to express feelings by disguising them as statements of fact.

And talk to each other about this. Encourage and teach each other to communicate nonviolently and to listen authentically. Then, when it hits the fan, you won't have to guess about whether the other person is capable of these things.

 

[SPARTAN047]

It takes two. There's nothing which one partner can do to ensure that the other partner will hold up their end of it.

So, you have to trust each other.

I'll tell you what, though, there's a particular thing we can do to make sure that we aren't the ones who escalate the expression of feelings into a serious conflict or argument. It's this:

When a partner says something like "you always" or "you never" or makes some other statement which triggers us into wanting to defend ourselves and challenge the statement they made, it's true that those statements might not be fair and it's true that they might not be literally true, but understand that what the partner needs at that moment probably isn't a fact-check or a push-back from a position of defensiveness. There are times and there are some statements which do call for that - we are allowed to have boundaries.

However, a better reaction than "Nuh uh!" or "How can you say I never [...]? I just did it this morning!" is to react as if the person had said it this way: "I feel like you never [...] right now."

That might not be what they said, and it might not be how your reactive nervous system heard and received it, but try to override the reflex to push back and react defensively. Instead, try to react as if they expressed a feeling they're presently having, instead as if they expressed a hard factual statement which you can pick apart.

That's what they need, emotionally, at the moment. They don't need to feel like you're ignoring their feelings by lawyering up and fact-checking them. When you do that, emotional connection fails. When you react to their feelings instead of their bare literal statement, emotional connection forms.

Of course they're communicating badly - I'm not ignoring that. In a different, separate conversation, it's fine to tell them, "When you make literal and absolute statements like that, I feel like I'm being blamed and judged and accused, and I hate that. Please try to stop doing that and use grownup words about your feelings, instead of distorting the facts. That will make me want to pay attention to your feelings and needs, and not make me want to push back and make it about me."

We owe it to each other to each try to improve. We can ask them to try to work on nonviolent communication, and at the same time, we can pay attention to what they mean when we hear them say "You don't care!" They mean that right now they feel like we don't care. That's a 100% factual statement which we don't have to defend against. All we have to do is show them we heard them and understand that feeling. We also have to keep in mind that that's how they feel at the moment - they aren't going to feel that way forever.

Let them let it out, and then have hot makeup sex once they've let it out and you've witnessed them. They'll feel better and you'll be the one who got them there, by being mature enough and emotionally stable enough to not get triggered by their feelings.

You just made a connection, and connection is what you were asking about.

Sure - I really, really wish people would always say what they mean, and say that this is how they feel rather than this is what they really believe is the literal absolute constant truth. But people don't always even know what they think - once they have expressed feelings like this, and we have heard them, witnessed them, and shown them they can trust us to do so, once we have demonstrated respect for their right to feel feelings, then, their thinking and beliefs will snap into focus and they'll no longer want to insist that "You don't care!" or "you always [...]" or "you never [...]." They will backtrack away from what look like statements of objective fact (factually wrong, but still objectively factual statements) and we'll then see them state that they didn't really mean it or don't still feel that way.

Be strong enough to land that plane when you're triggered. You can still have a separate conversation about your own needs and boundaries, if something came up and you really do need to set the record straight. But first, just trust the other person to feel feelings and then resolve them if the feelings aren't challenged when they show them to you.

A lot of people probably have friends they can talk that way to, and the friend understands they don't mean the statements literally, they just represent feelings. "He doesn't care," "she always, "they never" - a friend with no stakes in the matter can hear these things and make space for the person to just express them as feelings. It's a lot harder for the partner to do that, but, if the friend can do it, if the friend can understand that they're saying how they feel, the partner can learn to do it too.

As the partner, maybe also make a point of learning from this that we, too, could smooth things out and move conversations along by using "I feel" statements instead of factual statements which aren't literally true. We can't know if they care, but we can know that we feel like they don't care. It's probably not true that they always or never [...], but it's certainly true that we feel like they always or never [...]. Saying so goes a long way toward creating a successful conversation instead of creating a triggered partner.

This also makes a connection, and connection is what you asked about.

It takes two. These are two things you can do: 1, Hear statements about feelings as statements about feelings, even if they aren't saying "I feel," and 2, express feelings as feelings and not as objective (and wrong) statements. If you can do them, great, if you both can do them, much better.

Listening/hearing is receiving connection from them. Expressing feelings is extending connection to them.

And talk to each other about this. Encourage and teach each other to communicate nonviolently and to listen authentically. Then, when it hits the fan, you won't have to guess about whether the other person is capable of these things.

Very good advice.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

I was married 25 years, and trust was the key. Communication is important, but laughter and having fun is important also.
Being able to get over an argument respectively, and opposites can attract...

 

[Britva415]

Very good advice.

I wish I'd known it 30 years ago!