Story Feedback on New Story

[al55]

Hi guys, could I get feedback on my new noncon / mermaid Story please?

https://www.literotica.com/s/joy-13

 

[countdowntolov3]

I thought the pacing was good. Though this isn't my kink, I can see how this would be an enjoyable trope'y read if it was. There isn't much mystery as to what's going to happen, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It lets the reader anticipate and I think you linger in the right spots.

The technicalities let you down a bit though. Let's look at some of them.

Joy saw car high beams in the distance, showing that someone was approaching. Joy blew into her hands for warmth as she waited. Although Joy had taken the Hippocratic Oath and sworn to do no harm, she was buried under a mountain of college debt that she was still repaying.

You are overusing proper nouns. "Joy saw... Joy blew... Although Joy." This both reads amateur and makes it hard to fall into prose. The first step, I think, is to get comfortable starting your sentences with things other than propper nouns.

Additionally, I think you are overeager to pass information to the reader. The Hypocratic Oath and medical debt plot points are important, but they don't follow from the rest of this scene.

Let's rewrite this paragraph addressing both these concerns:

Joy saw car high beams in the distance, showing that someone was approaching. As she waited, she tried not to think about the cold, but that left her mind free for it's favorite subject, her mountain of college debt. She blew into her hands for warmth.

Another critique is that I don't think you're trusting the reader nearly enough. In this format it's probably fair to expect readers to need a little reminding, but you're doing it constantly and it's a distraction.

"Becks, start the truck. I have the merchandise," said Chip.

Joy cried in horror, as it was clear that she was the merchandise and that Chip meant to sell into a life of slavery.

It it as obvious as could be that Chip was talking about Joy. Everything after "Joy cried in horror," can be struck.

This also warps the way your characters talk, which is a real shame because stiff dialogue is one of the best ways to break a reader's suspension of disbelief.

"Joy, what the fuck is happening? Why do you look like a mermaid? I don't understand,"

"That's terrible," said Nancy. "I can't believe it's possible. Mermaids aren't real, but here you are in front of me with a green tail," she said in disbelief.

Consider allowing your characters to leave unsaid the things we know they're thinking.

Lastly, you might consider making the fetish your story targets more obvious in either the title or subtitle. This is generally good advice for finding readers who want to read your stuff, and doubly true of you I think, since you're writing for a relatively niche fetish.

Keep writing!

 

[al55]

I thought the pacing was good. Though this isn't my kink, I can see how this would be an enjoyable trope'y read if it was. There isn't much mystery as to what's going to happen, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It lets the reader anticipate and I think you linger in the right spots.

The technicalities let you down a bit though. Let's look at some of them.



You are overusing proper nouns. "Joy saw... Joy blew... Although Joy." This both reads amateur and makes it hard to fall into prose. The first step, I think, is to get comfortable starting your sentences with things other than propper nouns.

Additionally, I think you are overeager to pass information to the reader. The Hypocratic Oath and medical debt plot points are important, but they don't follow from the rest of this scene.

Let's rewrite this paragraph addressing both these concerns:



Another critique is that I don't think you're trusting the reader nearly enough. In this format it's probably fair to expect readers to need a little reminding, but you're doing it constantly and it's a distraction.



It it as obvious as could be that Chip was talking about Joy. Everything after "Joy cried in horror," can be struck.

This also warps the way your characters talk, which is a real shame because stiff dialogue is one of the best ways to break a reader's suspension of disbelief.





Consider allowing your characters to leave unsaid the things we know they're thinking.

Lastly, you might consider making the fetish your story targets more obvious in either the title or subtitle. This is generally good advice for finding readers who want to read your stuff, and doubly true of you I think, since you're writing for a relatively niche fetish.

Keep writing!

Thank you so much for the feedback I really appreciate it!

 

[Belegon]

I left a little feedback in a comment on your story. Countdown's advice above is pretty solid.

 

[al55]

I left a little feedback in a comment on your story. Countdown's advice above is pretty solid.

Thank you very much for the feedback!