the marks of a slave

[eastern sun]

It's our ego that feels abandoned as the loosening reminds us of the truth: nothing is fair in a M/s relationship.

When the leash is short they are close to us as their focus is also all on us. So no matter how hard it is, we feel wanted, we feel needed, we feel important.

When the leash is loosened, we are still expected to act the same, sacrifice ourselves the same, but we dont get the reward of feeling wanted and needed and special. We just feel taken for granted.

You're absolutely right.

There is one fair thing in an M/s relationship. . . you do get what you asked for. Question is . . . do you still want it?

 

[rida]

You're absolutely right.

There is one fair thing in an M/s relationship. . . you do get what you asked for. Question is . . . do you still want it?

Isn't the answer to that question the key to everything?
And isn't that the hardest question to answer?

But, do we really get what we have asked for?
Did we really know what we agreed to when we first said "yes"?
The principle is a simple concept. And yet its practice feels like a never ending uphill hike. Where is the goal? Where is the reward?


Even in my part-time slavery to the Sadist, I ask myself the same question, each and every time: do I want this?
All I know is that the answer has not been "No" ... yet.

 

[eastern sun]

Isn't the answer to that question the key to everything?
And isn't that the hardest question to answer?

But, do we really get what we have asked for?
Did we really know what we agreed to when we first said "yes"?
The principle is a simple concept. And yet its practice feels like a never ending uphill hike. Where is the goal? Where is the reward?


Even in my part-time slavery to the Sadist, I ask myself the same question, each and every time: do I want this?
All I know is that the answer has not been "No" ... yet.

I know that I didn't. Not really.

And I did get what I asked for. Just not what I imagined.

We've been together for years, now. Given who we are, the nature of our interactions, and the ways we approach the world, the tight leash invariably makes us both feel better, enjoying each other's company more because we feel like our needs as individuals have a chance of being met. (And not just sexually)

But the fall-out of the tight leash also includes having to accept that the limitations, obligations, and patterns of behavior that are established during the "tight" period will continue when the loosening occurs. That any practice or discipline that is established in his presence will continue in his absence. During his bad moods. His exhaustion. His disappointment. His withdrawal. During the times when he's giving his best to someone else, and bringing his worst to me.

That is never "what I imagined." And it never feels fair. But it is "what I asked for."

Just as much as my slavery continues through all my bad moods, exhaustion, disappointment, and withdrawal. During the times when I'm giving my best to someone else, and bringing my worst to him.

Believe me. I can be a pretty bad slave.

And that's never "what I imagined," either.

But why would we fantasize about the hard times?

About the very real, and uncomfortable pain and discomfort, that inevitably mars even the best relationships.

What I like about slavery is that it puts that pain in perspective. Quickly.

Both because - over the years - my experience of the more "pleasurable" pain has changed my relationship to feelings of discomfort overall.

And because - as slave without an escape clause - there is no other option but to accept what is, as it is, for whatever it is . . . experience it . . . know it, fully and completely, and then - immersed in the wisdom of its lesson - take the next "right" step.

 

[MissHolly]

But why would we fantasize about the hard times?

Eastern sun....thank you. Speaking as a relative newbie...I find your posts very enlightening. I'm learning from them...and you

 

[eastern sun]

When the leash is short they are close to us as their focus is also all on us. So we feel wanted, we feel needed, we feel important.

I had to come back to this, rida. Because it's so true.

Who wants to put up with the things that are really, really hard if no one is watching.

Have you ever been left alone for a while?

If I'm not tied down, I will invariably try to move to a more comfortable position.

And . . . I'm usually not tied down.

 

[Goodgirl4him]

I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoy this thread. You guys explain it wonderfully with understanding and emotion. thanks for allowing me to see from the inside what this has the potential to be with the right attitude. *hugs*

 

[rida]

But why would we fantasize about the hard times?

I do ... The emotional masochist in me, I guess.

I had to come back to this, rida. Because it's so true.

Who wants to put up with the things that are really, really hard if no one is watching.

Have you ever been left alone for a while?

If I'm not tied down, I will invariably try to move to a more comfortable position.

And . . . I'm usually not tied down.

I wish I could say that I do because of slave pride...

But isn't pride an emotion that should not be part of slavery? Isn't "slave pride" an oxymoron?




Sorry if I all I have now are questions and not answers.

Things seems to have resumed on a somewhat very uncertain and temporary base with the Sadist, as he might be the one moving away shortly. I think we have entered what perhaps could be the last stage, where I'm being thrown so far down that it's all pitch blackness, where it is hard to see where the line between madness and sanity lies. So I might be the one throwing in the towel first instead.

Hubby has been making more demands on me and on how I spend my free time, actively using me for his entertainment. And at the same time life has been so demanding on its own that I've found myself having to prioritize the well being of the whole family above his own desires.

And I find myself full of questions and no answers

 

[eastern sun]

I do ... The emotional masochist in me, I guess.

Wow. I'm curious about those fantasies. . . With my slave glasses on, I am able to look back on difficult times with a certain fondness, but I don't look forward to them.

I wish I could say that I do because of slave pride...

But isn't pride an emotion that should not be part of slavery? Isn't "slave pride" an oxymoron?

I have a lot of pride.

In fact, since I became slave, I have better self-esteem and take much more pride in myself. Mostly because behaviors that made me ashamed of myself (i.e. submissiveness in a culture of feminism) were re-framed into positive qualities. Or, perhaps more accurately, because I was able to see, and especially develop, the positive aspects of behaviors that I had only perceived negatively.

Sorry if all I have now are questions and not answers.

Things seems to have resumed on a somewhat very uncertain and temporary base with the Sadist, as he might be the one moving away shortly. I think we have entered what perhaps could be the last stage, where I'm being thrown so far down that it's all pitch blackness, where it is hard to see where the line between madness and sanity lies. So I might be the one throwing in the towel first instead.

Hubby has been making more demands on me and on how I spend my free time, actively using me for his entertainment. And at the same time life has been so demanding on its own that I've found myself having to prioritize the well being of the whole family above his own desires.

And I find myself full of questions and no answers

I would think, rida, that those trips with the Sadist are even more precarious and intense because of the uncertainty and temporary nature of the relationship. Take care of yourself. No shame in throwing in the towel, if it comes to that. You owe your children a sound and healthy mother.

And if it doesn't come to that, please, please tell us about your internal journeys. Illuminating some of that hidden psychic space can be really helpful to your fellow travelers.

 

[eastern sun]

Last night, at work, I was told I was both "modest" and a "hard-working woman" by the immigrant women I was working with. Both were considered very good qualities in the culture in which I was engaged.

My slave-self wears those compliments with great pride.

I was also told, now that our project was finished, to go home and stand by my husband. The women felt he would be justified to be angry with me for spending so much time out of the house.

 

[SubCDinPHX]

i think this is an interesting topic.

i know for me, i think i am obviously spotted as at least submissive in public, especially around Dominant personalities. i can't help but open the door, look down, and sometimes even say, "Yes, Miss" or "No, Sir" to a stranger if they ask a question.

Perhaps part of me just wants them to know because it excites me to think that they may pick up on it. unfortunately, i've never had someone reply, "your submissiveness is beautiful; can i take you home?"

 

[eastern sun]

i know for me, i think i am obviously spotted as at least submissive in public, especially around Dominant personalities. i can't help but open the door, look down, and sometimes even say, "Yes, Miss" or "No, Sir" to a stranger if they ask a question.

Perhaps part of me just wants them to know because it excites me to think that they may pick up on it. unfortunately, i've never had someone reply, "your submissiveness is beautiful; can i take you home?"

Try making eye contact. It's the only way to communicate honestly, in my opinion.

 

[rosco rathbone]

i think this is an interesting topic.

i know for me, i think i am obviously spotted as at least submissive in public, especially around Dominant personalities. i can't help but open the door, look down, and sometimes even say, "Yes, Miss" or "No, Sir" to a stranger if they ask a question.

Perhaps part of me just wants them to know because it excites me to think that they may pick up on it. unfortunately, i've never had someone reply, "your submissiveness is beautiful; can i take you home?"

We can definitely spot it with our subdar. Only takes a couple minutes of interaction, sometimes not even that.

 

[SubCDinPHX]

thank you. Yes, i do try making eye contact and then usually lowering my eyes... i guess somewhat of a submissive way of showing my 'cards'.

 

[eastern sun]

We can definitely spot it with our subdar. Only takes a couple minutes of interaction, sometimes not even that.

Are you willing, for all the new submissive's out there, to identify what it is you're spotting?

 

[eastern sun]

thank you. Yes, i do try making eye contact and then usually lowering my eyes... i guess somewhat of a submissive way of showing my 'cards'.

Do you look back up to see their response? (That's the moment I'm referring to.)

 

[Goodgirl4him]

i think this is an interesting topic.

i know for me, i think i am obviously spotted as at least submissive in public, especially around Dominant personalities. i can't help but open the door, look down, and sometimes even say, "Yes, Miss" or "No, Sir" to a stranger if they ask a question.

Perhaps part of me just wants them to know because it excites me to think that they may pick up on it. unfortunately, i've never had someone reply, "your submissiveness is beautiful; can i take you home?"

for me...its pretty easy to spot a dominant personality in a crowd... whether they are trying or not. it seems only when I know there is one around, my sub tendencies kick in like its safe to let him or her see that side of me. although saying yes Sir to a stranger as a common courtesy for something is natural and you generally get the same responses.....your welcome young lady or I'm not sir thats my father lol

 

[eastern sun]

for me...its pretty easy to spot a dominant personality in a crowd... whether they are trying or not. it seems only when I know there is one around, my sub tendencies kick in like its safe to let him or her see that side of me. although saying yes Sir to a stranger as a common courtesy for something is natural and you generally get the same responses.....your welcome young lady or I'm not sir thats my father lol

I'm the opposite. Usually, if I pick up on that dominant vibe with a stranger, my heart starts racing and I drop my eyes and walk away. For some reason, it totally unnerves me.

It's taken me years to be able to stand still and make eye contact without stuttering or giggling and acting like a fool.

Interestingly enough, it got a lot easier once I started identifying as slave. As though, with the now-proper status id, I could hold my ground and be who I am without flinching.

 

[ownedsubgal]

even now, i cannot maintain direct eye contact with anyone...male/female, dominant or submissive or whatever...without being expressly commanded to do so. and even then, it takes an extraordinary effort of will and i can only keep it up for a few moments. i recognize that part of this is due to my submissiveness, yes yes whatever...but there's something else to it. something deep within me is quite adamant and positive that i am in some way less than other people, freakish beyond tolerance and utterly unacceptable. and it's my shame over this, and fear that they will recognize this in me, that makes eye contact SO painful.

 

[sweepthefloor]

I have a powerful energy when my eye meets another eye. When the return contact is also powerful, I naturally lower my gaze. It is a wonderful feeling, it makes me nervous. I seek it out with strangers.

 

[BiBunny]

even now, i cannot maintain direct eye contact with anyone...male/female, dominant or submissive or whatever...without being expressly commanded to do so. and even then, it takes an extraordinary effort of will and i can only keep it up for a few moments. i recognize that part of this is due to my submissiveness, yes yes whatever...but there's something else to it. something deep within me is quite adamant and positive that i am in some way less than other people, freakish beyond tolerance and utterly unacceptable. and it's my shame over this, and fear that they will recognize this in me, that makes eye contact SO painful.

I used to/sometimes still do feel this way. I went the other way and overcompensated by being arrogant and narcissistic. I'm not sure if that's the best way to cope with it, either.

 

[nippleslut]

Omg

I found your post this morning and sat here throughout the day and read the whole thread. My eyes hurt a bit.

I am new submissive and my Sir has been doing alot of talking to me. He thinks I am more of a slave and I never agreed with him but after reading this thread I am now questioning myself.

Thank you for giving me so much to think about.

 

[eastern sun]

even now, i cannot maintain direct eye contact with anyone...male/female, dominant or submissive or whatever...without being expressly commanded to do so. and even then, it takes an extraordinary effort of will and i can only keep it up for a few moments. i recognize that part of this is due to my submissiveness, yes yes whatever...but there's something else to it. something deep within me is quite adamant and positive that i am in some way less than other people, freakish beyond tolerance and utterly unacceptable. and it's my shame over this, and fear that they will recognize this in me, that makes eye contact SO painful.

Do you want to feel differently about yourself? It has always seemed to me that you have found a "comfortable" place to feel what you feel, and a relationship that allows you to be all that you feel you are.

(And personally, I just have to say . . . with the few pictures of you that I've seen and your posts here over the years, I have loved your presence in my world. I always look forward to your visits.)

 

[eastern sun]

I found your post this morning and sat here throughout the day and read the whole thread. My eyes hurt a bit.

I am new submissive and my Sir has been doing alot of talking to me. He thinks I am more of a slave and I never agreed with him but after reading this thread I am now questioning myself.

Thank you for giving me so much to think about.

What do you think he meant by that?

 

[eastern sun]

I have a powerful energy when my eye meets another eye. When the return contact is also powerful, I naturally lower my gaze. It is a wonderful feeling, it makes me nervous. I seek it out with strangers.

I only started making open (unmasked) eye contact with men on the street about five or six years ago; and I have had the most shocking experiences that all lasted maybe two seconds or so.

Moments in which we were both utterly naked. Moments in which I felt like I flew into the other's eyes. Moments in which we both burst out laughing.

I wore my sexual desire in my eyes until really strange things started happening. Interactions with strangers and acquaintances that defied social conventions, and threatened to paint a scarlet letter on my chest.

I figured, for the sake of my children, that I had to change the nature of my eyes.

It isn't quite as thrilling, but I still have startling interactions with strangers. Usually women. And they love me for two seconds like I am rarely able to feel loved anywhere else.

I miss the way my sexuality was permeating my street life. But I'd never have found this nature of love any other way.

 

[eastern sun]

I used to/sometimes still do feel this way. I went the other way and overcompensated by being arrogant and narcissistic. I'm not sure if that's the best way to cope with it, either.

You probably already know that arrogance and narcissism are just walls to hide behind. Only you know what's best. Sometimes it's important to build good solid walls in a harsh environment. Just remember to build openings for the windows and the doors as well.

There's nothing worse than the prison we build ourselves. We each hold our own set of keys. Too often we've forgotten how we locked ourselves in.