Puns

[EmpressJosephine]

Receptionist: There's a man in the waiting room who think's he's invisible.

Psychiatrist: Tell him I can't see him right now.

 

[done_got_old]

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!

 

[Ask For More]

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

A Holly Davidson

 

[done_got_old]

The coffee around here is break fluid.

 

[done_got_old]

Circus dogs fly through the air with the greatest of fleas.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you die by hanging, the suspense is literally killing you.

 

[Ask For More]

What lies in a pram and wobbles?

A jelly baby

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Does anyone want any spare Haemorrhoid cream? I’ve got piles.

I can't stand piles - they're a pain in the ass

 

[Ask For More]

 

[done_got_old]

I don't think I'll attend Christmas dinner this year.

My wife gave me a haircut this morning, and now she said she's going to make Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.

 

[done_got_old]

Ski jumpers are inclined to be fast.

 

[done_got_old]

What do you call it when cafe customers joke about their coffee? A brewhaha.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you die by hanging, the suspense is literally killing you.

 

[done_got_old]

What is the difference between snowmen and snow-women? Snowballs.

 

[mnbreastluver]

What is the difference between snowmen and snow-women? Snowballs.

Ha Ha. That’s pretty funny.

A chiropractor is a lumbar jack.

 

[done_got_old]

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Claus wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

 

[done_got_old]

Stealing my computer files rarely gets my back up.

 

[done_got_old]

The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.

 

[lakesailer_mi]

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

 

[done_got_old]

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.

 

[HBergeron]

What did the terrorist's mom say?

Oh, they all blow up so quickly.

 

[done_got_old]

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong

 

[done_got_old]

Mischievous lambs post their videos on Ewe Tube.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Are we in South America? It sure is Chile.

 

[done_got_old]

The ship was sinking and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into the water and climb into it safely. As they relaxed, they decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey to safety.

The cigarettes were dry but all their matches had become wet. They had no way to light their cigarettes. Finally, one of the sailors came up with a solution. He threw away one cigarette overboard.

"What are you doing?" asked one of the other sailors.

"Don't worry, this will work," he began. "The lifeboat is a cigarette lighter now!"