Poetry in Progress ~ construction zone

[tarablackwood22]

LIAR

I love it. You might play with the first stanza...I'm not fond of its last line.

 

[Tathagata]

.....

 

[tarablackwood22]

1st draft w/fixes 6/25/04

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[tarablackwood22]

2nd draft

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[fawnie]

 

[fawnie]

Re: 3rd draft.......+ minor edits

the birth of contradiction


Wednesdays were sad, unlike
other days, no games
of tag or hopscotch,
no sodas at Nathan’s or running
in laughter from spitting boys.

even in winter they appeared, hot
and humid like August, no crying
or begging kept them at bay, feigned illness
that worked for school and Sunday
failed in week’s middle.

that day was for the spirit, for saving
your skin, keeping it
fair and cool forever,
but the short walk to St. Vincent’s
was long, grueling
to the minds and hearts of eight year olds,
an early death march
to save the unfortunates
of public education, bolster
unsteady truths.

mother called it catechism, the ladies
in black, nuns,
but they looked like no ladies
we’d ever seen,
certainly not like Miss O’Connor, young
and pretty and kind
in white blouse and manner
as she spoke of subtraction, sweet and smiling
over worms and war.

these ladies were harsh, covered
in darkness head to toe
and frowning,
had men's names and a touch of madness
in their sunken eyes and swollen ankles,
hair on lips and cheeks
but not heads, hulking
over the trembling young, scolding
petty crime.

they pulled ears, cracked wood
on boy’s knuckles for sport, howled
liked devils
about the beauty of heaven, faces possessed
and twitching as they praised goodness, drool
dripping from cracked mouths, venom
from hearts
as they screamed kind scripture, their method
of teaching forgiveness and love.

these were the women
trusted with our souls.

*************************

the wails of witch hazel -new poem......please read!

ugliest baby i ever saw!
brilliant tara!

 

[fawnie]

 

[tarablackwood22]

3rd draft..close...a matter of vocabulary and touch

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[fawnie]

3rd attempt

 

[fawnie]

 

[Tathagata]

2nd draft

.....

 

[tarablackwood22]

1st draft

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[tarablackwood22]

2nd draft

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[Tathagata]

3rd??

.....

 

[fawnie]

rubber heels

 

[fawnie]

rubber heels, 2nd draft

 

[echoes_s]

I dunno, make any sense?
lot of work?
please...

unseen

riding high on those waves
never-ending
ebbing and rising
lapping the shore
lusty moaning
rolling back into
a higher wave

mind screaming high
bursting forth
somewhere being
anywhere, complete
pressured explosion
vocalized, untamed
giving madness
handing everything
over to You.

pain tearing across
heated searing
flashing lashes
exploding insanity
for a moment
ripping through my mind

or heated touch
soft embrace
wetted lips
soothing grace
intelligence

then Your force again

my place on my knees
trembled shivers
fluttered breath
as you enter the room
muscles clenching and unclenching
then calm enveloping
Your warmth radiating forth
feeling instead of seeing

Your voice
You know how untamed i am
untouched
and slowly
You have been showing them

so gentle and patient
kind, reassuring
encouraging a blossom
nurturing a bloom
and slowly inhaling

and tease
so creative
intensity matching
and overriding
always surprising
pushing more
overjoying

and to never show You this…

 

[tarablackwood22]

3rd draft

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[echoes_s]

I dunno, make any sense?
lot of work?
please...

unseen

riding high on those waves
never-ending
ebbing and rising
lapping the shore
lusty moaning
rolling back into
a higher wave

mind screaming high
bursting forth
somewhere being
anywhere, complete
pressured explosion
vocalized, untamed
giving madness
handing everything
over to You.

pain tearing across
heated searing
flashing lashes
exploding insanity
for a moment
ripping through my mind

or heated touch
soft embrace
wetted lips
soothing grace
intelligence

then Your force again

my place on my knees
trembled shivers
fluttered breath
as you enter the room
muscles clenching and unclenching
then calm enveloping
Your warmth radiating forth
feeling instead of seeing

Your voice
You know how untamed i am
untouched
and slowly
You have been showing them

so gentle and patient
kind, reassuring
encouraging a blossom
nurturing a bloom
and slowly inhaling

and tease
so creative
intensity matching
and overriding
always surprising
pushing more
overjoying

and to never show You this…

time to get off my sorry butt and try and write something...
maybe change it to


unseen

riding high on those waves
never-ending
ebbing and rising
lapping the shore
lusty moaning
rolling back into
a higher wave

mind screaming soar
bursting forth
somewhere being
anywhere, complete
pressured explosion
vocalized, untamed
giving madness
handing everything
over to You.

pain tearing across
heated searing
flashing lashes
exploding insanity
for a moment
ripping through my mind

or heated touch
soft embrace
wetted lips
soothing grace
intelligence

then Your force again

my place upon knees
trembled shivers
fluttered breath
as you enter the room
muscles clenching and unclenching
then calm enveloping
Your warmth radiating forth
feeling instead of seeing

Your voice
You know how untamed i am
untouched
and slowly
You have been showing
everything

so gentle and patient
kind, reassuring
encouraging a blossom
nurturing a bloom
and slowly inhaling

and tease
so creative
intensity matching
and overriding
always surprising
pushing more
overwhelming beautifully

and although
You see all
to never be able to
tell You this…

 

[echoes_s]

Re: 3rd??

The air is epileptic
twitching, turning , tuning ,
with secret wave lengths,
shadow frequencies,
thoughts and words unspoken.
holy recitations
from days of ceremony and ritual.


This music
comes to me on many planes
guided , spontaneous migration,
home.
snug.
fit.
It suckles at my brain...


Modern offerings are
equalized and split,
lacking conviction ,dissected
broken down to soylent green
for mass consumption.
I miss the hiss, depth
warmth , immediacy
richness of vinyl.

The growl of the throat,
raw from praising life and God
or summoning djin,rain, plagues.
Chanted, syllabic rhythms
inducing visions
blending the orbs
healing the sick.



The ear
is now attuned to perfection,
flawless ,smooth, slick
not an edge to cling to
or catch you.
cookie cutter
no distinction..no character
So
the inconsistencies
that made it human
are lost..
as is
My interest.


Now
I need sound
moan for me......
beg,
curse,
slather me with unholy requests
in foul vulgar language.
Call down a God
Whimper, sigh, breathe
I need
realism
to feed my
heart


__________________

funny Tath, hope you dont mind me saying, i liked the first draft better, more raw, less defined, straightforth with emotion, not political correctness within...not said offensively, but only my take.
It is a beautiful poem, so sad, almost ravaged, yet with an ending. So final...

 

[fawnie]

 

[tungtied2u]

Help ! please?

Unknown familiar (working title)

I’ve never seen you
Wouldn’t know you if we passed
You voice would not be familiar
but your words

not spoken but written
strike me so deep
like an anvil striking a tuning fork
perfect pitch perfect harmony

resonating
resounding
exploding
compounding

confounding how this could be
how you make me weep
just words

I’ve heard them all before
but never like this
this combinations’ sensation
plucking and picking
chords within me
crying out to be sung

You are an angel or a demon

Please be an angel
Let me know the sweet sounds
you stir in me are true and honest and real

For whether angel or demon
I will be lost to you anyways
You have nothing more to do
than write the words
I am yours

 

[tarablackwood22]

2nd draft

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[tarablackwood22]

-

 

[Tathagata]

Re: Re: 3rd??

funny Tath, hope you dont mind me saying, i liked the first draft better, more raw, less defined, straightforth with emotion, not political correctness within...not said offensively, but only my take.
It is a beautiful poem, so sad, almost ravaged, yet with an ending. So final...

no i dont mind
lol
I know I've added too much
now i can chip away and try and leave the good stuff


thanks sweetie