Got it. Sometimes one does want a lot of alliteration, like in a humorous poem or one that's using alliteration for some other, specific effect. Also it can be good practice imo to try writing poetry where every word starts with the same letter. That doesn't produce especially good poetry lol but it's a good exercise, one that gets you thinking hard about word choices.
That's also why I was happy for @JaySecrets to play around with it. He may have given me inspiration for a different directionGot it. Sometimes one does want a lot of alliteration, like in a humorous poem or one that's using alliteration for some other, specific effect. Also it can be good practice imo to try writing poetry where every word starts with the same letter. That doesn't produce especially good poetry lol but it's a good exercise, one that gets you thinking hard about word choices.
Hope I did just that. Not trying to change your voice, just help you find new tools.
and that's where the magic 'rule of three' becomes importantIt's all a matter of taste, isn't it? For me, too much alliteration can make a poem, especially a short poem, seem like it's trying too hard to be "poetic." I prefer your original version: I think it works better with just the one alliterated line. And if "unraveled" feels wrong to you, maybe "undone" would work? Just my opinion (and taste) of course.
Otoh there's nothing wrong with playing around with the tools of poetry like alliteration to see what you get.
My years here have taught me that if I ask five poets how I might strengthen my poem (or line or even word), I'll likely get five different, mostly conflicting opinions!
not so much in the new suggestions but in the agreements on a place not feeling right
It's all a matter of taste, isn't it? For me, too much alliteration can make a poem, especially a short poem, seem like it's trying too hard to be "poetic." I prefer your original version: I think it works better with just the one alliterated line. And if "unraveled" feels wrong to you, maybe "undone" would work? Just my opinion (and taste) of course.
Otoh there's nothing wrong with playing around with the tools of poetry like alliteration to see what you get.
My years here have taught me that if I ask five poets how I might strengthen my poem (or line or even word), I'll likely get five different, mostly conflicting opinions!
Interesting,
