Offering amateur reviews for short TG/CD stories.

[AlexBailey]

I’m a fairly inexperienced writer but I’ve recently been studying fiction writing skills and I’m looking for practical ways to put some new knowledge to work.

TG/CD can have a narrow audience so I’d like to offer support within this community.

I’m not great with spotting punctuation or spelling but I believe I’m good with dialogue, emotions, exposition, action, and plot concepts.

I’m nonbinary and have personal experience within the LGBTQ and kink community and I’ve had the stress of dealing with an unaccepting family.

I’d prefer to work with newer authors with stories of three or fewer lit pages and I welcome other authors to chime in with critique of my critiques.

Please post or PM a link to your story and any description of particular points you’d like me to focus on.

-Alex

 

[AlexBailey]

Here is a link to a review I recently posted for another lit author:

https://forum.literotica.com/thread...ear-for-the-spoken-word.1602572/post-98172748

 

[StillStunned]

While you're waiting for other offers, I'll put one of mine forward to kick you off: Ben's Big Mistake (3.9k words).

I deliberately asked for it to be posted in NC/R, rather than TG/CD. The narrator is a straight man who's confronted with a surprise. I'm not concerned about my punctuation or spelling, so you can rest easy there. The story isn't my kink, but even so as a straight man it gets my juices flowing.

My concern, I suppose, is whether it works for the TG community. "Respectful" is probably what I should be asking about, even though I try to write all my characters as people rather than representatives of a particular group.

Note: I have a fairly thick skin. I'm confident in my use of language, so I'm comfortable with you querying or criticising my choices, and I'm willing to consider any suggestions for improvement. Content-wise, well, the whole story was uncharted territory for me, so any feedback is welcome.

 

[AlexBailey]

While you're waiting for other offers, I'll put one of mine forward to kick you off: Ben's Big Mistake (3.9k words).

I deliberately asked for it to be posted in NC/R, rather than TG/CD. The narrator is a straight man who's confronted with a surprise. I'm not concerned about my punctuation or spelling, so you can rest easy there. The story isn't my kink, but even so as a straight man it gets my juices flowing.

My concern, I suppose, is whether it works for the TG community. "Respectful" is probably what I should be asking about, even though I try to write all my characters as people rather than representatives of a particular group.

Note: I have a fairly thick skin. I'm confident in my use of language, so I'm comfortable with you querying or criticising my choices, and I'm willing to consider any suggestions for improvement. Content-wise, well, the whole story was uncharted territory for me, so any feedback is welcome.

Thanks for going first, I’ll check this out later tonight - US west coast.

My intention is to reflect on your storytelling, not so much to review your content. Your story is yours to tell.

I feel I’m an outlier among outliers in the LGBTQ and I won’t try to speak for anyone but myself about socio-political issues - I may say if something is offensive to me and I may decide not to work with particular subjects but I’m thick skinned for kink I’m not going to labor on ethics or judgement.

 

[HotCosmo]

Hi Alex,
I'm newer here and I'm working on my story The Circle of Druids. I'm not a native speaker of English I would be grateful if you could review it, especially the conversations and how I express the emotions of the characters.
I'm afraid I'm being too formal or saying how to feel and not showing it.

Note: There are four lit pages, but the introduction could be part of the first character. I don't know, it was my first time and I thought it would be better for some reason.

 

[StillStunned]

Thanks for going first, I’ll check this out later tonight - US west coast.

My intention is to reflect on your storytelling, not so much to review your content. I feel I’m an outlier among outliers in the LGBTQ and I won’t try to speak for anyone but myself about socio-political issues - I may say if something is offensive to me and I may decide not to work with particular subjects but thick skinned for kink I’m not going to labor on ethics or judgement.

Well, fair warning then: it's written in the first person present tense. Some people find that off-putting.

 

[MelissaBaby]

I doubt I'll have any material for review, but I'm looking forward to reading the thread.

 

[AwkwardMD]

I doubt I'll have any material for review, but I'm looking forward to reading the thread.

Seconded!

 

[Omenainen]

Ah, mine is too long and I’m not a “newer author.” I wish you the best of luck with your thread though

 

[TheRedChamber]

I'm not a new author but if you are willing/have time I would be interested in your thoughts on Motel Metamorphia.

I'd prefer not to guide your process by asking specific questions, but rather get your general honest feeling from a cold read.

 

[AlexBailey]

(I feel very on-the-spot reviewing a writer on the lit forum with has so many more stories than I’ve posted. )



Ben's Big Mistake by @StillStunned


I’m a fan of first person present tense for the way it fees so immediate and visceral - I think it’s great for smut.


Your narrative seems intended for straight-flexible guys, possibly CDs, or anyone with a fantasy of being trans-feminine.

Your opening drew me in. I wanted to know what the big mistake is but the quote in the opening felt misleading: "Tell me, Dr Llewellyn, why did you leave your previous employment?" I understand it was a hypothetical job interview but it spun me out for a moment, thinking this was a character speaking, wondering who it was and what happened to them after the scene opened.


The scenery is vague, it’s not wrong, but I feel that you're missing the opportunity to set the stage and the mood. For me only having “…my office” and later adding only a desk and chair wasn't very satisfying. I assume it’s an office in a school building, I’m wondering if someone could walk in at any moment or if someone in a hallway could hear what’s going on inside. Having the scene begin with a knock at the door followed by Gan’s entry could be more tantalizing and informing - is she wearing heels that click across the floor? Is she wearing combat boots? Kinky minds want to know.

The cock with its own voice is brilliant. They can have a huge influence over a horny man's decisions, and your MC displays his libidinous nature when he says how the placement of the chair was "clever." Now his cock is part of the conversation, though it isn't always clear when it is doing the talking. While you mostly set its dialogue aside with italics they should have been set aside into their own paragraphs and to have it "speak" in a unique style - you did this for the most part but not always. It might have been better to use italics only for the cock and to add occasional speech tags just for it. Something like:

Little minx! What's she wearing underneath? -- My nagging cock wants to know.

As you continue with the device through the story it would become more clear as the MC struggles with it - like in 'The Raven' by Edgar Allan Poe. Having the additional disembodied voice of the friend 'Robert' adds to the confusion, though it would probably work better if the cock's voice was kept more separate.


My most critical thought is how the action often gets bogged down by unnecessary words and hard stops, you can cut out many uses of ‘that’, 'now', 'then', ‘and’, and ‘just’, especially where you begin sentences with them. When you go over your piece and find these words check to see if they are necessary, if not you may be better off without them. This probably stands out to me largely because I do it too, there are enough to draw my attention to them and away from what’s going on.
--------------
You wrote:

And she turns round, so her back is to me, and bends forward to start moving things around.

It could work better as:

She turns her back to me, leans over my desk and shoves my stacks of papers aside.

(It's more fluid, uses fewer words, and says more about what's going on.)

----------

Her fingers brush across the back of my hand. My skin tingles at her touch.

Could be:

Her fingers brush across the back of my hand, my skin tingling at her touch.

(It avoids the hard stop and keeps things flowing, the action and reaction are more connected.)

-----------

It's just me and Gan, and my cock, and her naked body...

----------

Every part of my body is screaming at me to move, to speak, to do something. My heart's pounding. My mind has given up the struggle, but it's not quite ready to play along just yet.

Could be:

Every part of my body screams at me to move, to speak, to do something. My heart pounds, my mind has given up the struggle but it's not ready to play along just yet.

----------


Although you're already in present tense, there are places where you keep trying to establish a timeframe:

She hasn't made any effort to move away. Now that I'm committed to this, I'm raging hard in my trousers.

Could be:

She makes no effort to move away. I'm committed to this, raging hard in my trousers.

----------

There are a few places where you break the fourth wall in a jarring way. Sure it's first person, the narrator is already speaking to the reader, but asking the reader questions pulls them out of the story and into their own thoughts. In other places you are saying what Gan is thinking - the MC narrator doesn't know this. He can make observations about her expressions or body language but he can't know what's actually in her head, though you could possibly use it occasionally as a device to indicate how connected the characters are in a moment.


Lastly, while I don't want to labor on grammar I recommend you work on the mechanics of writing dialogue and action. There are several places where a character speaks and other characters acts within the same paragraph, making it confusing and difficult to keep a smooth pace.



************

It's new to me to be so openly critical of work that's not my own. Now that I've gone back to read over this it feels unbearably presumptuous of me to take this on. Thank you. I feel I've gained some of what I've missed by not studying writing in a classroom setting with other students. I invite others to critique my critique and only ask that everyone who does so remain constructive.

- AlexBailey

 

[AlexBailey]

Hi Alex,
I'm newer here and I'm working on my story The Circle of Druids. I'm not a native speaker of English I would be grateful if you could review it, especially the conversations and how I express the emotions of the characters.
I'm afraid I'm being too formal or saying how to feel and not showing it.

Note: There are four lit pages, but the introduction could be part of the first character. I don't know, it was my first time and I thought it would be better for some reason.

Hello HotCosmo,

I am impressed that you've taken on this project outside of your primary language. Writing in my own native language has been challenging enough, I couldn't imagine trying to do it in Spanish.

I'm sorry but I don't think I have the skills necessary to help you at this stage. The best advice I can offer is for you to seek similar stories which are available in both English and Spanish and compare the two versions.

I'm very sorry I can't be of more help. I wish you well and sincerely hope you are enjoying your learning process.

-AlexBailey

 

[StillStunned]

@AlexBailey
Thanks for your review. It's made me scrutinise the story again, which I hadn't done since I submitted it for publication.

My most critical thought is how the action often gets bogged down by unnecessary words and hard stops, you can cut out many uses of ‘that’, 'now', 'then', ‘and’, and ‘just’, especially where you begin sentences with them. When you go over your piece and find these words check to see if they are necessary, if not you may be better off without them.

I've been told before that I use too many instances of "that", "now" and "then", and I've started looking it them more critically. I tend to use them for emphasis, to stress a pause or shift or to improve the rhythm of the prose. But as a point that's been raised in multiple reviews now, perhaps that's not working as well as I thought.

About the choppy sentences: that's a deliberate choice for this story. Particularly the first half, the narrator's nervous and jumpy, and his thoughts are jumpy too. I was trying to reflect that.

In other places you are saying what Gan is thinking - the MC narrator doesn't know this. He can make observations about her expressions or body language but he can't know what's actually in her head, though you could possibly use it occasionally as a device to indicate how connected the characters are in a moment.

Could you give an example? I'm very strict about head-hopping, and I can't see any instances in the story.

It's new to me to be so openly critical of work that's not my own. Now that I've gone back to read over this it feels unbearably presumptuous of me to take this on. Thank you. I feel I've gained some of what I've missed by not studying writing in a classroom setting with other students. I invite others to critique my critique and only ask that everyone who does so remain constructive.

Not presumptuous. Even if you don't have any formal training (neither do I, by the way, at least not in fiction writing), you're a reader and can identify and highlight issues that readers see that the author doesn't.

Thanks again for your thoughts and suggestions, and for your time and energy!

 

[StillStunned]

I just realised I'd forgotten that I wanted to reply to this too:

is she wearing heels that click across the floor? Is she wearing combat boots? Kinky minds want to know.

You're absolutely right, dammit. I should have added the combat boots.

 

[AlexBailey]

Could you give an example? I'm very strict about head-hopping, and I can't see any instances in the story.

Well, I meant what I said about us both enjoying this.

It dawns on me now that this could be part of the conversation with his cock. That kind of 'head hopping' would work in this case.

 

[AlexBailey]

About the choppy sentences: that's a deliberate choice for this story. Particularly the first half, the narrator's nervous and jumpy, and his thoughts are jumpy too. I was trying to reflect that.

My thinking is that if you don't establish a regular rhythm first, the choppy sentences come across a poor writing rather than as an inflection. Maybe the action and observations could be smooth and only have the internal thoughts become choppy.

I don't know, I'm just letting you know my impressions, I'm just the weirdo in a miniskirt and combat boots sitting behind you who got handed your piece for a classroom review. You're probably getting better grades than me anyway.

 

[StillStunned]

Well, I meant what I said about us both enjoying this.

It dawns on me now that this could be part of the conversation with his cock. That kind of 'head hopping' would work in this case.

I don't get this. It's the narrator thinking to himself. He's blackmailing Gan into giving him sex, she wants him to go down on her, and he doesn't mind. He thinks to himself, "I meant what I said about us both enjoying this."

But perhaps I'm too close, and it's not clear to the reader.

I don't know, I'm just letting you know my impressions, I'm just the weirdo in a miniskirt and combat boots sitting behind you who got handed your piece for a classroom review. You're probably getting better grades than me anyway.

You're looking at it more objectively than I can, so you can highlight things that don't work.

 

[AG31]

Hi, @HotCosmo,

I won't undertake to critique your writing as such, but I will tell you where I think the language doesn't sound like native English. I'll only look at the first few paragraphs, as I see already that your language does sound very foreign, although the meaning is always clear.

What if you present your MC as a non-native English speaker, and just let the reader deal with it, the way they would if they were chatting with you at a party?
'
See below to get a feel for how your voice departs from a native speakers. But, as I said, I don't think that's necessarily a deal-breaker.

AG31

Apologies to AlexBailey for maybe hijacking the thread. That's not my intention and I won't jump in if you're able to respond to a request.

Hello HotCosmo,

I am impressed that you've taken on this project outside of your primary language. Writing in my own native language has been challenging enough, I couldn't imagine trying to do it in Spanish.

I'm sorry but I don't think I have the skills necessary to help you at this stage. The best advice I can offer is for you to seek similar stories which are available in both English and Spanish and compare the two versions.

I'm very sorry I can't be of more help. I wish you well and sincerely hope you are enjoying your learning process.

-AlexBailey

"were each time more close to me." were closer to me each time

"I didn't doubt more about it." I didn't doubt about it anymore.

"He continued his closeness" He stayed close [to me].

"I fell to the ground again due to fear." I fell to the ground again in fear.

"His snouts become a human face " His snout became a human face (maybe snouts was just a typo?)

"and his paws into strong and muscular legs and arms." and his paws became strong and muscular legs and arms.

"a dart stuck in his neck" This isn't exactly "non native," but a more active word than "stuck" would work better.

I hope this gives you a sense for what you're dealing with. You have four chapters, I think, and it would take someone a little time. Like I said, you could just be up front in a forward. We're all able to handle non-native syntax.

 

[AlexBailey]

Motel Metamorphia. By @TheRedChamber


This story reads like a Trent (edit) Quentin Tarantino movie script - as gritty as the desert and disjointed as a nightmare, and I mean that only in the best way. While it’s in the TG/CD category it seems to be written for anyone who wants to take a trip outside of their mind.


The pacing was rough for me. Honestly, I didn't really connect with a lot of it until the second read through. I get that it's supposed to have an off-putting vibe but I don't think it was all intentional, some of the phrasing and use of commas felt awkward and made it hard for me to settle into the story.

I'm not going to provide a specific quote about the commas and phrasing because you use it stylistically throughout and it isn't necessarily incorrect, but it hits me awkwardly at times, especially in the beginning - though that could just be how your GB style hits my California ear. You might want to have an experienced editor take a closer look.


There is some tense shifting - probably a bit confusing because some changes in tense are appropriate while other times it isn't. I'm only dwelling on this because of how it instantly pulls me out.

---------

It isn't late and I had been assuming that I was going to be driving through the night, but somehow the knowledge that I could stop if I wanted suddenly released all the exhaustion I'd been feeling for the past three hundred miles of desert.

Could be:

It isn't late and I had been assuming that I was going to be driving through the night, but somehow the knowledge that I can stop if I want suddenly releases all the exhaustion I've been feeling for the past three hundred miles of desert.

-------------

"I'm Mark," I told her. My name isn't Mark, but since I don't have any ID on me it's moot anyway. There was no reason to be unfriendly.

Could be:

"I'm Mark," I tell her. My name isn't Mark, but since I don't have any ID on me it's moot anyway. There is no reason to be unfriendly.

--------


You do a great job with the dialogue. The responses feel awkward in a natural way that feels right for this story. My only suggestion is to be more careful about using separate paragraphs for different characters' words and actions.

-----------

"I'm traveling light," I answer. She peels off and as she starts to head back to her sun-lounger, she says, "Why don't you come and join me once you've settled in? It's so much nicer outside,"

Should be:

"I'm traveling light," I answer.

She peels off and as she starts to head back to her sun-lounger, she says, "Why don't you come and join me once you've settled in? It's so much nicer outside,"

----------------


I really don't have any suggestions for bettering the plot, it works just how it is.

The soundtrack is still playing in my head: "And the colored girls go, Doo do doo do doo do do doo..." Did you do that on purpose? If so it was very artful. It almost seems like you referenced a few more lines from 'Take a Walk On the Wild Side' throughout the story.


-----

On a personal note, this story hits home in a scary and visceral way. As odd as it may be, I've had a relatable experience. What you wrote is accurate for how it feels to have to put your mind and memories back together the next morning. I was once unwittingly heavily dosed (LSD) while CDing at a festival and woke up the next morning, still in drag in someone else's camp. I was wearing tits and a gaff under a dress and a vest and couldn't figure out what the hell was going on or what had happened for a while. Luckily a friend had taken me to her backstage site and made sure I was safe for the night.

 

[AlexBailey]

I don't get this. It's the narrator thinking to himself. He's blackmailing Gan into giving him sex, she wants him to go down on her, and he doesn't mind. He thinks to himself, "I meant what I said about us both enjoying this."

Reading this line puts me (the reader) into my head.

“I meant what I said…” It isn’t in quotes in the story so it’s internal dialogue or narration, or maybe in this case, is it the words of the cock? Whatever your intention was it isn’t clear to me. I was wondering who said it and who they were saying it to. Did I forget that you already broke the fourth wall to tell me directly? You specify that you meant it, was there any reason to doubt?

“…about us both enjoying it.”
Who is ‘us both’? The MC and his cock? The MC and the reader? The MC and Gan?

If it’s the MC and Gan, how does the MC know Gan isn’t just performing for the grade?

It’s a superfluous statement. The action already shows us the MC is having a ball. If you’re using it for inflection for the MCs thoughts you could do it without triggering so many questions in the reader’s mind.

You do a similar thing by directly asking the reader how they feel about the word “scrotum”. When you ask the reader a direct question they have to think about it instead of letting the story flow. You could own the thought - and put a hesitation in the MC’s headspace by saying how uncomfortable he is about it without putting the question to the reader and making them pause.

I’ve got a couple of these moments I had to work out in my first person present tense novel.

 

[AlexBailey]

Apologies to AlexBailey for maybe hijacking the thread. That's not my intention and I won't jump in if you're able to respond to a request.

No worries whatsoever. I’m glad that you came in to help where I wasn’t able.

 

[MelissaBaby]

@AlexBailey
Thanks for your review. It's made me scrutinise the story again, which I hadn't done since I submitted it for publication.


I've been told before that I use too many instances of "that", "now" and "then", and I've started looking it them more critically. I tend to use them for emphasis, to stress a pause or shift or to improve the rhythm of the prose. But as a point that's been raised in multiple reviews now, perhaps that's not working as well as I thought.

When I'm proofing a story, I use the search function in my word processor and run searchs for "that", "then", "just" and other commonly overused words, and remove as many of them as I can.

 

[ElectricBlue]

When I'm proofing a story, I use the search function in my word processor and run searchs for "that", "then", "just" and other commonly overused words, and remove as many of them as I can.

Those words, yep, plus "and then", which is my worst tic. You might need one word or the other, but only very rarely, both. After a while, I catch them when writing, and can go on to find other bad habits. It's a moving find and replace.

I also use word clouds regularly during edit, to find more over-used words.

 

[MelissaBaby]

Those words, yep, plus "and then", which is my worst tic. You might need one word or the other, but only very rarely, both. After a while, I catch them when writing, and can go on to find other bad habits. It's a moving find and replace.

I also use word clouds regularly during edit, to find more over-used words.

Also, "began". There is almost never a good reason to say someone began to do something, just say they do it.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Motel Metamorphia. By @TheRedChamber

Thank you so much for taking the time to do this. I appreciate all the feedback.

This story reads like a Trent Tarantino movie script - as gritty as the desert and disjointed as a nightmare, and I mean that only in the best way. While it’s in the TG/CD category it seems to be written for anyone who wants to take a trip outside of their mind.

The pacing was rough for me. Honestly, I didn't really connect with a lot of it until the second read through. I get that it's supposed to have an off-putting vibe but I don't think it was all intentional, some of the phrasing and use of commas felt awkward and made it hard for me to settle into the story.

I'm not going to provide a specific quote about the commas and phrasing because you use it stylistically throughout and it isn't necessarily incorrect, but it hits me awkwardly at times, especially in the beginning - though that could just be how your GB style hits my California ear. You might want to have an experienced editor take a closer look.

I'll need to go back and look at this in detail. I like to write the occasional bit of Americana but being British I'm probably hitting some wrong notes however hard I try. I do have an American beta reader but I gave him the day off for this one as (IIRC) he was doing/had just done something else for me. Probably a mistake.

There is some tense shifting - probably a bit confusing because some changes in tense are appropriate while other times it isn't. I'm only dwelling on this because of how it instantly pulls me out.

*snip*

Yes, I messed up on this in a couple of places as I hadn't written much in the present tense at that time. I should probably go back and do a tidy up on it.

I really don't have any suggestions for bettering the plot, it works just how it is.

The soundtrack is still playing in my head: "And the colored girls go, Doo do doo do doo do do doo..." Did you do that on purpose? If so it was very artful. It almost seems like you referenced a few more lines from 'Take a Walk On the Wild Side' throughout the story.

It's good if this came across. I didn't consciously include references to the soundtrack outside of that one section, but I did have it playing in my head.

On a personal note, this story hits home in a scary and visceral way. As odd as it may be, I've had a relatable experience. What you wrote is accurate for how it feels to have to put your mind and memories back together the next morning. I was once unwittingly heavily dosed (LSD) while CDing at a festival and woke up the next morning, still in drag in someone else's camp. I was wearing tits and a gaff under a dress and a vest and couldn't figure out what the hell was going on or what had happened for a while. Luckily a friend had taken me to her backstage site and made sure I was safe for the night.

It's good to know that, even it it's a bit 'out there' it's still relatable.

Thanks again.