Loneliness...how do you cope?

[NaughtyLil1]

Every day I'm surrounded with good, caring people. I lead a full life by taking care of my family, helping to care for others, staying involved in my community, but at the end of the day I feel like an empty shell. I don't know how to fill the void.

Any suggestions?

I guess I should consider myself lucky that I have people who depend on me. Otherwise, I think I would just disappear.

 

[Guest]

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Your post leaves me wondeing if you live alone?
That might help shed some light on your situation.

No, I have a house full. I have my children and a few that stay with me that aren't mine. My oldest is away at school and my youngest is not far behind.

Come to think of it, that may be my problem. Maybe I'm going through the "empty nest syndrome" and didn't realize it.

I'm not in a meaningful relationship either and that probably has something to do with it.

And on top of all that, I'm a menopausal maniac. Damn, I didn't realize what a mess I was until I typed it out.

 

[Guest]

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Well, I'm glad I was able to help

Our oldest son is in his second year of college. He has always been a difficult kid (he is very intense, self righteous, hard-headed, opinionated, never wrong....one look at his face and you could tell the mood he is in). When he went off to school there was almost a collective sigh of relief in the house. His mood always seemed to affect the overall mood of the household.

Our younger son is a senior in high school this year. He is laid back, always has a smile on his face, basicly the opposite of his older brother. We started visiting colleges about a year ago, and last summer it really hit my wife hard that it was the last year he'd be home with us. Although our daughter is a sophomore in HS, my wife was really starting to get the empty nest syndrome too.

I think the menopause thing is having some affect too.

So yeah, you might be right. A lot of things going on at the same time for you that all add up. Sounds like you could probably use a little quality time for yourself too.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

You did help. Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts.

 

[bobsgirl]

No, I have a house full. I have my children and a few that stay with me that aren't mine. My oldest is away at school and my youngest is not far behind.

Come to think of it, that may be my problem. Maybe I'm going through the "empty nest syndrome" and didn't realize it.

I'm not in a meaningful relationship either and that probably has something to do with it.

And on top of all that, I'm a menopausal maniac. Damn, I didn't realize what a mess I was until I typed it out.

"Empty nest" sadness and I are very good friends. My oldest has been out on her own for 6 years and my youngest moved out last year. Since I was a stay-at-home mom, I found myself "retired" and feeling like I had no useful purpose in my life. And it caused problems in every area of my life: my physical health, my mental health, and my marriage all suffered.

I ended up going on anti-depression medication. That and some short-term counseling have helped a lot. Your statement about feeling like you could disappear really stood out to me. IMHO, it may be a good idea to talk to your doctor about the possibility of depression.

And menopause. Don't get me started on that particular joy. I used to be a reasonably sane and nice person (at least I think I was) and now I'm pretty good at shooting first and asking questions later, if you know what I mean. It pretty much sucks that children going out on their own and menopause can happen at roughly the same time in your life.

I don't have any magic answers, but I sympathize and empathize with you, Naughty. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help.

 

[Guest]

 

[NaughtyLil1]

"Empty nest" sadness and I are very good friends. My oldest has been out on her own for 6 years and my youngest moved out last year. Since I was a stay-at-home mom, I found myself "retired" and feeling like I had no useful purpose in my life. And it caused problems in every area of my life: my physical health, my mental health, and my marriage all suffered.

I ended up going on anti-depression medication. That and some short-term counseling have helped a lot. Your statement about feeling like you could disappear really stood out to me. IMHO, it may be a good idea to talk to your doctor about the possibility of depression.

And menopause. Don't get me started on that particular joy. I used to be a reasonably sane and nice person (at least I think I was) and now I'm pretty good at shooting first and asking questions later, if you know what I mean. It pretty much sucks that children going out on their own and menopause can happen at roughly the same time in your life.

I don't have any magic answers, but I sympathize and empathize with you, Naughty. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help.

Thank you, BG. It's always nice to hear that someone's circumstances are similar and you're not out there floating by yourself.

I think your advice about the depression is right on. I'm totally lacking motivation with life and my sleep pattern is really suffering, so it's time to do something. It's as if I can never shut my mind down - I'm always wondering, worrying about something.

I used to be a reasonably sane and nice person (at least I think I was) and now I'm pretty good at shooting first and asking questions later, if you know what I mean.

I'm sorry but that statement made me giggle. I can totally relate. I used to be mild mannered but not anymore.

Thank you again for taking the time to respond. I appreciate your input.

 

[Cathleen]

Naughty, my circumstance is very different but I understand loneliness and how doing for others can be tied to it. I spent years taking care of people, sort of like one after another. To some extent I still do. However, I found myself being the one that needed care a few years back and I realized my body had been screaming at me for care but I was occupied elsewhere.

It made me slow down, forced is more like it. I don't like it at all and it's effected my personal/social life which sort of put a spotlight on loneliness in my life. I can't do what I want and there are times I don't do what I can.

There are things I could expend some energy on to help ease loneliness and sometimes I do but sometimes I don't. When I was forced to slow down I had to feel. I was a human doing not a human being. Now I have a lot more 'being' time so I try to connect with others on a level that is comfortable for me.

Spending time doing for others I realized I wasn't paying attention to my needs and wants - wasn't keeping my mind and spirit fed. I started spending some energy on activities that I liked, but I had to first remember what I liked. It can be a slow process but it's important for me to notice what I like. Sounds odd to say I didn't know what I liked but doing all that running around for others didn't leave much mental energy to notice.

I started yoga and it was wonderful - is wonderful. I took a night class to learn Spanish, let's just say it was a good thought but I'm not bi-lingual - so far. I volunteered with a group in town and I met nice people and it helps to know there are people to connect with about similar likes.

I guess I'd suggest starting slowly to notice what you want to do that you're not, what interests you that you can't find the time to pursue, just begin to check in with yourself, the inside stuff. I got into crafts, started knitting and painting again, writing came out of nowhere... I think it was that I quieted myself inside so I could learn about me and what I like.

There are different types of loneliness and some I've had some success reducing. I keep trying to ease the feeling myself.

 

[bobwhitecrow]

The thread title

told me "DEPRESSION".

Yes, I've been there. Counselling and Prozac have been a great help to me.

My wife has also helped, even she has bouts of Depression, herself.

She is now going to school to become a nurse and she has really begun to blossumm.

I wish for you help, health and hope.

 

[naughtygirl69s]

Yup, depression, empty nest, menopause, all good answers.

I'm lonely, too. Sometimes, painfully so.

With soooo many people in this world, it's amazing one can EVER feel lonely.

*big hug*

 

[Hotsngldad]

I feel that way too alot of the time...

and it doesnt matter how many people there are in the world, its finding the ones that truly matter to EACH other. I would agree with your empty nest prognosis, I am feeling the same way in a similiar situation. I would loike to talk to more people who have similiar issues, anyone?

 

[JustSkye]

Every day I'm surrounded with good, caring people. I lead a full life by taking care of my family, helping to care for others, staying involved in my community, but at the end of the day I feel like an empty shell. I don't know how to fill the void.

Any suggestions?

I guess I should consider myself lucky that I have people who depend on me. Otherwise, I think I would just disappear.

you too?


Some days are so much harder than others.

 

[PG13]

Have you ever tried massage therapy (not necessarily erotic, but that's good too )? The body craves another's touch, and the muscular benefits are good, too. This is a very non-invasive treatment that is finding some success for treatment of depression. Simultaneous aromatherapy may also help.

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Cathleen, you are such an eloquent soul.

I think it was that I quieted myself inside so I could learn about me and what I like.

I'm trying very hard to get to that point.

I think it's vital to undergo an occasional life reassessment; expand on what's working and discard what isn't, figure out where we are and where we would like to go.

Normally I look forward to it; it's like clicking the refresh button. This time around it seems more difficult; too many issues and far too many decisions. I lack the energy to sort them all out.

While reading a thread on the GB, I came across an excellent quote. Thanks Rainy. It's something we should never lose sight of.

I don't know,
I believe it all comes down to one question.

Do you know yourself.

Too often we as human beings spend time looking for things or people to make us happy or make us feel "full and contented" when we should be spending time looking inside instead of out.

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Have you ever tried massage therapy (not necessarily erotic, but that's good too )? The body craves another's touch, and the muscular benefits are good, too. This is a very non-invasive treatment that is finding some success for treatment of depression. Simultaneous aromatherapy may also help.

I haven't tried it but I think I should. Thank you for the suggestion.


What do you think, ladies? I think we should designate a date for an All About Me Day. It will be a mandated paid holiday. We will spend our day being pampered and fawned over.

 

[ickle_stace]

I've had problems in the past of feeling lonely, even though I have loads of people around who care about me

I haven't experience empty nest syndrome, I don't have kids, not for a few years yet! but mine is linked to depression

I'm not sure how i fix it though, it just comes and goes, so I can't really help with a solution, but I can be a "I know how you feel" person

Stace

 

[rainyguy]

you know,
sometimes it can be a good thing to feel precisely what you are feeling. I know for myself that "feelings" can be tricky things to quantify and much of the time they shouldn't be. Our feelings for the most part have their own flow and line in relation to who we are and what we are. I think it's so important to "feel" what you feel and after that, step forward in what you believe might be a positive direction.

Feeling lonely or unfulfilled isn't always a bad thing.
I believe life is a collection of contrasts and very well that it is, for with out true sadness and loss, we would never appreciate happiness, joy and satisfaction.

I know for myself I try and effort not to allow feelings of sadness or "nothingness" to overwhelm me. But of course they do at times as all feelings will do.

Sometimes it can be the smallest pleasures to bring a pure smile to our lips. And when you find these little pleasures, hold on and grip them well.

For the simple act of laying on your back in the yard and looking up in the sky can be a wonderful way to remind you just how "alive" you are. Sometimes you can make the periods of feeling down, lonely or insignificant go away by realizing how big the world is and how small other things are.


Probably the best advice I could possibly give is this.
Do not repress feelings, let them flow like a river until they are spent. Be in the moment of what you feel for it is our feelings which cause creation and hopefully leave a mark of understanding.

One thing I do try and do for myself is this.
I also at times will view stress, grief, pain, loneliness and other such feelings, I try and see them as stacks of books at a library. And when I can do this, I make a conscious choice whether or not I pick those books up or let them be. Even if it's only for an afternoon. Taking a break from such organic feelings can bring a smile.

 

[sherazade]

Feeling Lonely

Dear loneliness,

Feeling lonely has nothing to do with being surrender by people or having people depending on you. It has to do with being able to take a good look at yourself and do things for you. Like going to the spa, reading a book. Do you let other people give you in retrun or you just give, give and give. At one point, you have to let the other give you in return or give a bit less...

Sherhazade

 

[V_Faulkon]

I definitely know what it's like being lonely. Not being able to open yourself up to others is what hurts me the most. I have a lot of things I would love to share with someone I'm close to, but the people I know aren't terribly good listeners. It can sometimes feel like it's a perpetual loop, constantly feeding on itself, making it harder and harder to solve the problem.

I honestly don't KNOW what the solution would be, but I think one of the best solutions would be to just bite the bullet, go out, and open yourself up to someone. Find someone who you like (preferably someone you know at least as more than an acquaintance), who you think will really listen to what you have to say, and, most importantly, someone you trust.

When I say 'open yourself up', I don't mean saying "Hello, how are you?" and then spilling your life story two seconds later. I mean have a leap of faith. Be truthful with your words, and truly believe, no matter what your head says, that they're interested in you. Put yourself out there, at least a little bit, and then hope for the best.

It's possible you'll miss the target a couple of times, and you'll get a little hurt. But as long as you know when enough is enough (when the person you've been talking with is no longer listening, or when they've moved on to someone else, for example), and you're able to get back up after a couple of falls, you should eventually find someone you connect with at a level you couldn't when you were closing yourself off.


Again, that's just my opinion. It's the method I'm going to try myself once I'm out on my own, and I think it'll work for me. If you think it can help you too, then good luck! If not, sorry I couldn't be of use.

 

[Batman4ever71]

No, I have a house full. I have my children and a few that stay with me that aren't mine. My oldest is away at school and my youngest is not far behind.

Come to think of it, that may be my problem. Maybe I'm going through the "empty nest syndrome" and didn't realize it.

I'm not in a meaningful relationship either and that probably has something to do with it.

And on top of all that, I'm a menopausal maniac. Damn, I didn't realize what a mess I was until I typed it out.

If I may be so bold as to add my two cents.....It sounds to me like I have felt many times before. I have been married twice before and cheated on both times. I was without a meaningfull relationship for quite some time. Even though, like you, I had many people depending on me....I had nothing for myself.

It wasn't until I made the concious choice to make time for myself and do something just for me that I learned that I wasn't that empty shell I thought I was. Finally, I met the most wonderful woman I have ever met. Even though it is I who make myself feel whole, she compliments me, as a rose on the lapel compliments a tuxedo.

You are NOT invisible and you mean so much to the people you help. Just think of all the lives you have touched in a positive way throughout your life and I'll just bet you won't feel so empty anymore. If you still do, please feel free to PM me at any time and I'll remind you of how important you are.

Batman

 

[Quoll]

I haven't tried it but I think I should. Thank you for the suggestion.


What do you think, ladies? I think we should designate a date for an All About Me Day. It will be a mandated paid holiday. We will spend our day being pampered and fawned over.

I'll wear the leather mini skirt, I'll wear the cami, I'll do the stockings and stilletos, but I'm not shaving the mo, I wanna be pampered too damnit.

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Stace, V_Faulkon, hang in there. We'll get it figured out.

Rainy, great insight, as always. Thank you.

sherazade and Batman, thank you. I appreciate your input.

Quoll, I'd like to see photos.

Thanks to all who took the time to respond. Y'all have given me a lot to think about.

 

[cfnmparty]

I escape into my own world of sexual adventures.

 

[Your1Guy]

Hi NaughtyLil1
Set aside some "Me" time.
Take up a course, learn a new skill or join a group of people involved in something that interests you. Go out & socialise with your "new friends".
It's amazing what a change of venue & habits will do for your self esteem.