Limited Offer

[pensivepoet]

Be still, your beating heart
In this one time only offer, I'm generously offering myself on time share.
Yes! It's true!
In conjuntion with Ginsu and Bill Shatner enterprises, this one time offer is now being made available to the general public!
For only 89.99 a month, you too, can have a piece of me.
What will you get for this ridiculously low price?
For three weeks a year, you can whisk me off to an island of your choice.
Once there, you can wine me and dine me while I nod, smile, and act attentive to your every supercilious need!
If I don't fall asleep, pass out, or run away with the waitress, there may even be sex involved!
*an added charge if you're over 80 years old, more than 500 pounds, or have a better moustache than me*
But wait! There's more!
I will also send you a card on your birthday, and three holidays of your choosing!
To good to be true, you ask?
And there's even more!
I will sit for a family portrait, and one lucky girl will win a Thanksgiving with me!
So act quickly, ladies. The weeks are filling up fast.
*all expenses are to be paid by Mastercard-yours*

 

[AKentuckyLady]

Be still, your beating heart
In this one time only offer, I'm generously offering myself on time share.
Yes! It's true!
In conjuntion with Ginsu and Bill Shatner enterprises, this one time offer is now being made available to the general public!
For only 89.99 a month, you too, can have a piece of me.
What will you get for this ridiculously low price?
For three weeks a year, you can whisk me off to an island of your choice.
Once there, you can wine me and dine me while I nod, smile, and act attentive to your every supercilious need!
If I don't fall asleep, pass out, or run away with the waitress, there may even be sex involved!
*an added charge if you're over 80 years old, more than 500 pounds, or have a better moustache than me*
But wait! There's more!
I will also send you a card on your birthday, and three holidays of your choosing!
To good to be true, you ask?
And there's even more!
I will sit for a family portrait, and one lucky girl will win a Thanksgiving with me!
So act quickly, ladies. The weeks are filling up fast.
*all expenses are to be paid by Mastercard-yours*

Okay, that gave me a good laugh this morning.

I'm sure that with that sense of humor, you'll find plenty of willing ladies ready to take you on.

Good luck

 

[Chris_Michael]

Looks like I need to shave then.

 

[pensivepoet]

*in my best W.C. Fields voice*
Run along you little brats, you're bad for business.

 

[EquinoxRising]

*whipping it out!* (My card, that is.)

 

[AKentuckyLady]

*in my best W.C. Fields voice*
Run along you little brats, you're bad for business.

Bad for business? Here I am, graciously and kindly bumping your thread, and all I get is told to "run along".

I'm so unappreciated. I suppose it's time for me to take my broken heart and my platinum Visa, run away to my private island compound in the Caribbean to drown my sorrows with the cabana boys.

*deep sigh*

 

[pensivepoet]

*whipping it out!* (My card, that is.)

I can assure you, Madame, you wont be sorry. Excuse me just a moment, please~
*whispers*
Hey, get in the closet, I've got a live one.

 

[pensivepoet]

Bad for business? Here I am, graciously and kindly bumping your thread, and all I get is told to "run along".

I'm so unappreciated. I suppose it's time for me to take my broken heart and my platinum Visa, run away to my private island compound in the Caribbean to drown my sorrows with the cabana boys.

*deep sigh*

Not so fast, little Lady. I just found an open in May.
You did say platinum, right?

 

[EquinoxRising]

I can assure you, Madame, you wont be sorry. Excuse me just a moment, please~

*blindly waving credit card around, excited*

*whispers*
Hey, get in the closet, I've got a live one.

Wait. What?

 

[pensivepoet]

*blindly waving credit card around, excited*



Wait. What?

It's nothing. Just my mother visiting. She's afraid of spiders.

 

[EquinoxRising]

Kinky.

 

[AKentuckyLady]

Not so fast, little Lady. I just found an open in May.
You did say platinum, right?

So sorry, in May I'm in Monte Carlo. Christophe is always good for a broken heart and a *filling* diversion.

 

[pensivepoet]

So sorry, in May I'm in Monte Carlo. Christophe is always good for a broken heart and a *filling* diversion.

He's not trustworthy. He has a 70's porn moustache. I saw him with Charlie Sheen at a Lakers game.
I might consider a 10% discount just cuz I like you.

 

[EquinoxRising]

He's not trustworthy. He has a 70's porn moustache. I saw him with Charlie Sheen at a Lakers game.

Christophe sounded HAWT before you mentioned Sheen...

 

[pensivepoet]

Kinky.

Mom wants your number

 

[EquinoxRising]

Mom wants your number

555-867-5309

 

[AKentuckyLady]

He's not trustworthy. He has a 70's porn moustache. I saw him with Charlie Sheen at a Lakers game.
I might consider a 10% discount just cuz I like you.

That's strange, he told me he saw *you* with Charlie Sheen in Aspen last month.

Discounting yourself already? You need to have more confidence in yourself, that's no way to catch a sugar mama.

 

[pensivepoet]

Christophe sounded HAWT before you mentioned Sheen...

I know. He begged me not to tell (ie bribed) but I feel I have to protect you from him.
But I refuse to tell you the really bad stuff.

 

[EquinoxRising]

Discounting yourself already? You need to have more confidence in yourself, that's no way to catch a sugar mama.

Hahahahahahahaha!



Best.

Post.

Ever!

 

[pensivepoet]

That's strange, he told me he saw *you* with Charlie Sheen in Aspen last month.

Discounting yourself already? You need to have more confidence in yourself, that's no way to catch a sugar mama.

That? I'm a part time ski instructor. Strictly business.
It's not really a discount once you read the fine print.
But please don't.

 

[pensivepoet]

Well, that's it Ladies.
I'm afraid I'm all booked up.
I've received thousands of PMs and crazy offers!
I even had to turn down Megan Fox.
Only so much of me to go around.
Remember to book early next year, and for 19.99 I'll still send you a Birthday card.

 

[AKentuckyLady]

That? I'm a part time ski instructor. Strictly business.
It's not really a discount once you read the fine print.
But please don't.

Do you always give ski lessons in a spiked collar, complete with leash, and a leather thong? Christophe was very turned on by that.

I always pay full price; discounts are for peasants. And I always expect to get my money's worth.

Of course, if I decide you're worthy, there will be several meetings with my team of lawyers and a complete and binding non-negotiable contract.

The moment your eyes stray, sweetness, you'll be stripped and made to walk the plank. Think carefully

 

[pensivepoet]

Do you always give ski lessons in a spiked collar, complete with leash, and a leather thong? Christophe was very turned on by that.

I always pay full price; discounts are for peasants. And I always expect to get my money's worth.

Of course, if I decide you're worthy, there will be several meetings with my team of lawyers and a complete and binding non-negotiable contract.

The moment your eyes stray, sweetness, you'll be stripped and made to walk the plank. Think carefully

Damn you're good
Send me anything. I'll sign it.

 

[AKentuckyLady]

Damn you're good
Send me anything. I'll sign it.

But what will I be getting for my money?

I'm very particular, you know. I have eclectic tastes, a desire for the finer things in life. After all, there are *thousands* of men here, and many beautiful women as well.

What do *you* bring to the table besides your cheap Hallmark holiday card and a witty tongue?

Speaking of, how talented is that tongue?

 

[pensivepoet]

But what will I be getting for my money?

I'm very particular, you know. I have eclectic tastes, a desire for the finer things in life. After all, there are *thousands* of men here, and many beautiful women as well.

What do *you* bring to the table besides your cheap Hallmark holiday card and a witty tongue?

Speaking of, how talented is that tongue?

What it lacks in talent, it makes up for with effort and perseverance.
And I'm very "pliable"