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Journal: a novice couple's journey into the world of Dominance and submission

Hey guys, don’t you think this is quite enough already?

I think some posts stopped being about offering help, support and guidance and started to feel more like piling on.

✌️
 
77fbird400 said:
This post is brilliant. I didn't get it the first time around but I got it now.

One last kick at the dog on your way out.

Very subtle, hardly noticeable. Very passive aggressive.
Click to expand...

When you pursue something that makes you happy and does nothing for your wife, that's fine... but when somebody wishes your wife happiness and not you, that's an attack?

Hmm.
 
TL:DR FOR THIS THREAD:

Play nice. Respect each other. Go slow. Com-fucking-municate.
 
Well.. that's an hour or so I'm never going to get back.

A couple of observations
1) it's amazing to me just how defensive the OP became when offered solid advice, especially when he recognized the poster as female
2) the OP seems to think that most of us BDSM cafe folks are into massive amounts of swinging, swapping, cuck and non monogamous sexual activities. (P.S. lots of us are monogamous. A good number of us have deep religious faith practices, and part of the benefit of this forum is the opportunity to learn from each other )
3) I believe the OP wanted advice on things "to do" to his wife. Things "to train" his wife to do. The reliance and obsession with slave positions is one illustration of that. To my mind, various positions can be fun, but they have very little to do with actual meaningful submission.
4) the OP kept saying that he wanted to try BDSM as a way to add more variety to his sex life. IMHO he has no actual interest in creating a D/s bond which is why I suspect he was so resistant to the idea of working on clear open communication. For those of us who are PYL or pyl, the observable stuff is some of the least important part of D/s. I can't begin to count the number of posts I have read over the years where people discussed the inner mind workings of this stuff. I am submitting to my Dom in a million ways that have nothing to do with sex. My submission is as much a part of me as my skin. I can't shed it and it's not a game. My advice to the OP and his wife would likely be if little value.

Enjoy playing BDSM games. I think role play is really your kink. Which is awesome. Honestly. It just isn't and will never be actual BDSM.

cb
 
Someone read that 40...or 50...who the fuck knows...it was fluff shit book...of grey.
 
Is it too late to offer an observation? If you're using your cock more than your ears, you are guaranteed to have a shitty BDSM experience.
 
77fbird400 said:
Oh that would be out of the question. Neither of us are interested in group, swing, cuck or joining a club. We are strictly monogamous.

Just curious if you ever think that the mistakes are actually kind of fun?

The slave position idea was from a Lit story I read. I've been searching for BDSM / slave / slave wife, collar stories on Lit. I've always thought that the fictional stories here on Lit are mostly people's erotic fantasies on paper. I'm guessing the majority of the writers are women. So by reading these stories, I figure I can get a glimpse of what women may find appealing in this D/s sex play.

Can you give me an example of some of the rules that you are given?

All of that is to say, there isn't one right way or wrong way. The thing that holds all the good and the sometimes not great sessions together is communication. I've had a couple of not great sessions and I communicated a lot after them. I've had seasons where I felt like I failed to find out that I hadn't but that I was being pushed. I'm so much happier knowing that, actually knowing that without guessing at it.

You've received some solid advice. Please incorporate more communication. Do it via email if you need to.

Well we prefer SMS / text to communicate about sex.

I just came up with an idea on how to bring up this topic. I'll trap her.

We have a favorite restaurant - Italian of course. It'll just be the two of us. This mght even work.

If you don't mind me asking, what does a type D/s night look like for you?
Click to expand...

I'm sorry I haven't responded earlier. I needed to give my response some thought.

As far as not going a group or any of that, there is nothing wrong with that at all. The demos I have attended are not events that specify no sexual intercourse at them. Initially I attended munches which were basically kind of a meeting of people with interests in kink at a restaurant. I was extremely nervous about going because this is an extremely private aspect of my life and I do not want to be outed because of how it could complicate my life. I have only come across one person that I met outside of kink at one and the etiquette is that people are expected to not put others. Of course there is still risk but if someone outs a person for attending a munch that person that did the outing was also attending so the risk is mutual. The events where demos occurred required vetting before attending so the risk becomes much less for someone outing a person.

At the events I attended there were couples that would do a session together without intercourse. The types of things I saw or tried included rope bondage, violet wand, impact play using floggers or whips, cupping, and fire play. The BDSM library has multiple threads talking about those. For some couples, it was a place to do a session using a spanking bench or cross or other furniture they did not have access you at their homes. Some couples that attended were monogamous and others were poly. Some people that attended were also single. These events were very Mich about learning and sharing information. My partner at that time did not have experience with rope so one of the very experienced rope guys tied me so that I could have that experience. There was no sexual contact. I was clothed when I was tied. After I was tied, my partner used different floggers on me. It was an amazing experience that confirmed that I loved rope. My partner had known the rope guy for years and I had become pretty good friends with his submissive. It was a way for my partner to watch and learn about tying too. Of course this was just my experience at one group's events. Other groups operate differently.

It's been a while since I've been to a munch. I had gone to a couple prior to the pandemic again but of course the pandemic stopped them for now. I was very nervous again going back after so long without knowing as many of the people that started coming in my absence. I'll still be nervous because I like to keep my life pretty private. Overcoming the nervousness the initial times I went was so worth it because I didn't have someone to learn with at first. I was very cautious about trying things and meeting people.

You also asked about me submitting to multiple people in an earlier post. I have gotten to know those people very well. We discussed in great detail things before ever meeting in person. Some of the things discussed included limits as well as things to try. For example, hair pulling is good but calling me worthless is a hard limit.

One other thing I think I should add is that while there is often a sexual component when I meet someone in private, the mental aspect of submission and serving is the most important part for me. I don't wear a collar when we play. I have at times before but it isn't a necessary part for me to be submissive. Also, I should add that while I'm submissive, I'm also very much in control of my life. In my day to day life, you would not necessarily know that I'm submissive. I have held leadership roles and am in a supervisory position at work. In private within a relationship, I'm happy when I'm submissive. I will still speak my mind though. I did not have children or a primary relationship right now. If I did have a primary relationship, I would still be in charge of some aspects. After all even though I'm submissive, there would still be things I could handle better as well as things my partner could handle better.

So while I can still be submissive, I can still take on roles of leadership.

As far as some of the rules I have, one mentor suggested a bedtime rule. He also wants me to check in with him daily. The bedtime rule is something to benefit me. It does nothing for him. He's kind to help me adhere to it. Checking in is beneficial for both of us. It maintains our friendship.

As far as a typical night, I'm not really sure how to answer that. Prior to it, plans would be made. We would discuss a little of what will be included. Earlier on, we would talk about anything that could cause an issue. That still might come up but only more if it's a physical ailment that might be an issue. Earlier it would include possible mental issues that could arise, etc. (Like being told I'm worthless being a limit.) I'd be given some instructions and I follow them upon arrival, either his or mine. After the session, either he or I leave and basically cleanup. I check in with thoughts after. Any time he's ever wondered if I was ok, he'd just ask. That's kind of like how aftercare works for us. I like to process while either driving home or getting cleaned up and then like I said, I send my thoughts on how everything went. I've talked about what I loved as well as why I loved it. I also would talk about what I thought I could have done better. That kind of situation works extremely well for me.
 
77fbird400 said:
D/s session #1 - The Beginning

Non-fiction

I hope you’re not expecting this to be as exciting as a fictional story. This happened 3 nights ago.

I’ve been under the counsel and mentorship of another Hip user via PM. He guided me with advice through our first three D/s sessions. One of his suggestions was to ask my wife for her submission prior to our first encounter. I did. I explained to her via SMS what that means and gave her a glimpse of what it may look like. She agreed. That is not a surprise as we have been lightly dabbling in D/s for some time now. I’ll soon learn it’s more complicated that I had imagined.

The nights we have extended sex can be roughly divided into 4 parts:
[a] Full body massage for her starting from her toes to the nape of her neck. ~30m
Oral for her and me ~30m
[c] Kink, bondage, spanking, pet training, cosplay, scenario, D/s play etc…~30m
[d] Sex ~1-4 hours

For our first D/s night, we didn’t do and move straight into [c] for our D/s session.

This will be our very first D/s sex play.

At this point, I haven’t presented her with a collar.

I placed a pillow on the floor for her knees beside the master bed. I asked her to wear panties only. I asked her to sit on her knees with her knees on the pillow and hands folded on her lap. I asked her if she would accept my training collar. It is a ¾” felt collar with a crab claw clasp. She giggled, rolled her eyes and said yes. I wasn’t thrilled about the giggling but again, we’re both new to this and she wasn’t wearing the collar yet. I’ll let it go I guess. Not having much experience handling jewelry clasps, I fumbled putting the collar on her, she giggled again and helped me. Cute!

Here is her training collar:
bbSy2LP.png


Now wearing the collar, my requests turned to commands. I commanded her to remain on her knees, hands folded on her lap, toes pointed together. I was sitting on the bed facing her. I gave her two simple rules. [1] While wearing the training collar, she is to obey me at all times. I will later learn that she has no idea what that entails. [2] She must not speak unless she asks first. I will later learn that this is almost impossible for this woman to stop talking. My simple intentions that night was to inform her of those two rules, teach her two slave positions and issue her first punishment under this new D/s sex play.

I informed her that I will teach her two slave positions from this document:
https://***************/document/d/1kKkEbfjUtk7lopFD_uwLH1-mbxWeH-bm-4_sVd92e3w/edit?usp=sharing

So while on her knees, I taught her position #1 - Good Girl. She is already in this position. Sitting on her heels in front of me, head down, back arched, mouth closed, waiting. She didn’t do a good job. She was slouched. I had to gently hold her chin with one hand, and use my other hand to arch her back. She wouldn’t stop fidgeting, adjusting herself on the pillow and talking. I gently reminded her about the rules and commanded her to stop fidgeting and talking. This isn’t a discussion. She didn’t listen very well. She held that position for about a minute.

I taught her position #2 - Ready. Kneeling, knees apart, back arched, hands behind her back, mouth open, tongue out. She doesn’t seem to take verbal instructions well. Once again, her posture was sloppy and far from my expectations. Once again, she required physical correction. I had to tell her not to hook her fingers behind her back, it looks terrible. I had to guide her hands to fully clasp each other. In order to do that, her arms needed to be further back pushing out her chest a bit more. This is what I was after. What a beautiful posture! I also had to guide her with my hands and physically arch her back by pressing on her lower back to get the curvature I wanted. Even then, she spoke, squirmed and didn’t hold the position for too long. So I corrected her again. She held this position for only a minute. Perhaps we could do this in a future session. I feel she needs to learn that her comfort is secondary to my commands. Of course, this is our first D/s play, she’s not used to this, neither am I. Training is going to take a long time. I allowed her to give me oral sex. She is already accustomed to this position for providing oral services to me. The only difference is that he is doing this as a slave, not as my wife. She consumed her prize with vigor as she usually does. I didn’t allow her to do it for very long, only a few minutes.

I commanded her to go back to position #1 - Good Girl. I told her that when moving from one position to the next, her movements need to be sharp, quick without overextending. I don’t think she understood me. Anyways, from slave position #1, I asked her to hold out her hands. I placed an 18” ruler on her open hands, palms up and asked her to present it to me while holding position #1 and holding the ruler at eye level with upward facing, open palms. A this time, I should mention that the 18” ruler is one of several spanking implements that I use regularly on various places on her body during regular sex. So, she has seen it many times before. Again, she spoke, fidgeted and I had to physically correct her posture. She held this position for 2 minutes with me sitting on the bed in front of her. I used a sand timer.

This was a very beautiful sight ingrained in my memory. To watch the woman I love so dearly as a slave wife, sitting in position #1, eager to please, willing to obey (but not doing very well) and presenting me with a spanking implement and holding all of this for 2 minutes in a room only lit with a single flickering candle. Watching her in this beautifully submissive position as I sit above her was just so erotic! She actually did a pretty good job and I should have rewarded her for her efforts. But things would change, no doubt due to our lack of experience.

I regret doing what I’m about to do, I’ll explain why later. For some reason, she dropped on hand to the side and looked to the left. I grabbed her chin with my fingers, rather forcibly turned her head back to a forward position and held her head in this position with my hand still grasping her chin. I pointed a finger at her and told her to behave herself, she is wearing a training collar. I spoke through my teeth with a rather angry tone. I tugged at her collar to remind her she’s wearing it. I couldn’t see her eyes very well as the room was completely dark except for a single flickering candle. This is something I’ve never actually done to her. She was surprised and let out a little “yelp”. It was quite erotic but even at that moment, even as a complete novice, I knew I had gone too far. I regretted my action but I can’t take it back.I just didn’t know how bad the damage was until later.

When the 2 minutes had elapsed, I gently cupped my hands on each of her cheeks and told her that she will be punished for her earlier infractions. I bent her over the bed, held her wrists behind her back, knees on the floor and spanked her with the 18” ruler that she was holding. Now, I should mention that spank-play during sex is normal. I spank her a lot using various implements - the 18” ruler is my favorite. I also use a plastic ruler, bamboo kitchen spoon, a belt I made and a flogger. Since this is also my first time as a Dominant, I didn’t realize that this was actually erotic pleasure, not a punishment. Regardless, it was fun for both of us!

Our first D/s session ended after that. Total elapsed time was about 30 minutes. At that time, I told her that her training was over, I took off her collar. I should have provided some after-care, at least a hug or a kiss or both. This is another mistake of mine. I told her, we can have sex now as we normally wold. This is where things got interesting and not in a good way.

Sex is really a lot of fun with her. She is very responsive and “wiggly” and just a real pleasure in bed. But this time, she was unresponsive. She just opened her legs and let me in. I knew right away something was wrong so I stopped immediately. Then, she started gently crying and curled into a fetal position and turned away from me. At this point, I knew I messed something up badly.

There were so many erotic experience that night during our first D/s session. This experience was both the most erotic experience and the most deely concerning one at the same time. The combination of erotica and concern was like mixing fire and ice. Watching her cry, naked in a fetal position with the single flickering candle light after being my slave was so sensual. Yet this is the first time she cried during sex play, in fact, I don’t think I’ve ever made her cry before. That was extremely concerning. I love my wife immensely, and I would never do anything to hurt her. Of course I pulled back from having sex with her and just hugged her deeply and closely. At least I had the clarity of mind to know that this isn’t the time to be probing her for answers as to why she was crying.

I didn’t know what else to do. I won’t insult other Dom’s by calling myself that, I’m not a Dom. I’m completely new at this. I’m learning. I kept spoon hugging her from behind and did nothing else. I was hoping that I could somehow convey through touch that I was sorry that I went too far in her first D/s experience. It didn’t matter to me at all if we have sex that night or not. It didn’t matter to me if this was our last D/s session. I’m not sure how much time elapsed but eventually, she turned around, wrapped her arms around my neck, kissed me and we had sex. And so concluded our first D/s session.
Click to expand...


i cannot escape the image of that single, flickering, candle, from my mind. i fell asleep with that flickering flame dancing in my head. as i read your posts, it’s like that that flicker flame is seemingly lighting the words as they pass my eyes and enter my head. its like a hazy circle of light quickly fading to darkness, the flickering amber glow lights each word of your post as i read them. i can just imagine the dancing pale light on her naked body. she’s gentle, scared, exposed, shivering… what will happen to her? what will you do to her? i can imagine her kneeling, you standing above her, she’s looking up, obedient, blinking, waiting, hoping, wanting to please you. you’re looking down, commanding, instructing, correcting, loving. she’s (trying) to obey you, you’re loving her, she’s loving you. her first time, she’s scared, excited, nervous, anticipating, waiting, trying hard… but failing. she must have tried so hard. she must trust and love you so much to allow you to do this to her.

i can imagine grainy shadows cast by the flickering flame accentuating the peaks, summits, contours and curves of her body … the tip of her nose, cheeks, lips, breasts, the valley of her waist, arch of her back. the orange, amber candle light casting prancing shadows onto her soft, naked body, reflecting from the sweat, of anticipation, fear, excitement. so sensual. so, vulnerable. it’s like a tangled dance, a juxtaposition between the randomly flickering flame, a tangled dance and her predictably rhythmic, gentle breathing. her breasts rising, falling with each controlled breath. wow, incredible! i waaaannt this! from the eyes of this beholder, your wife is soooo lucky! i was thinking you should have two candles. a red one symbolizing her enduring love for you. a blue one symbolizing, well, just you. hehee

so you divided your love making into four parts? that’s funny, does a bell go and you move to the next one, hehee do you stop for recess? hehee. slave positions? “her comfort is secondary to my commands?” “single flickering candle?” you don’t seem like an amateur to me. i think you know exactly what you’re doing.

i think i can handle it without crying, this is not too extreme. it isn’t even that “dirty”. i wonder how much harder would this be if i didn’t know what was going to happen to me next? on the other hand, do i simply do what i’m told? obey? doesn’t seem too hard at all. i think i do that anyways. many women do this (obey) i think for the men we trust and love. is that all there is to it? i am new to this and would like to learn more. much more. i really want to try this! And how do you do this with kids at home? Do you live in a castle with stone walls? hehe

do you mind some questions, when did you and wife start doing this? i highly doubt this is your first time, so it couldn’t be her first time? i would think a real beginner would need to start a lot slower than this. how did you two start? did you always know you liked this kind of, stuff? does she like it too or is she just pleasing you? were you both equally willing to explore this type of, sex? i guess my real question is how to convince an unwilling hubs to do these kind of things to me. i’d really like this a lot.

questions: i’m fascinated by the crying part and the intricate entanglement of emotions she was feeling that made her cry. assuming it’s real and not part of the ‘act’, i felt she was holding it inside of her until she couldn’t keep it contained anymore. men, i feel, can bottle their emotions for years. i think men distract themselves with other things, toys, things that go vrooom, to ignore their emotions. women, not so good at bottling emo’s. we just sit there and let our emotions eat us until we explode. she must have really been trying to please you but it wasn’t good enough for you. her crying, i feel, was a collision between her inability to please you and the way you “corrected” her rather harshly i might add. if my huss gets mad at me like that while making love i would for sure cry. that would not be good. i’m curious, did you get mad at her on purpose? was that part of the ‘act’? or was it, real? if real, why the heck would you get mad at her when she’s doing so much for you? when a woman gives a man that type of control, i’m not sure you realize how much of a gift it is. how much trust and love she must have for you. i mean, most of us won’t give that up to just any guy just because he wants it.
 
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