Journal: a novice couple's journey into the world of Dominance and submission

[77fbird400]

I thought it would be fun to document the very beginning of what I hope will turn into a long lasting D/s relationship between my wife and I.

Given the nature of this form of communication, and since only my wife and I know these details, I feel confident that I can share some intimate details while protecting my anonymity.

My wife and I are in our 40’s. We have teenage children - daughters and sons. We live in North America. We are strictly monogamous with no interest in sharing, cuck, group or swinging. We are completely new to D/s sex play. We are very kinky. Rough sex, spanking, cuffs, bondage, ceiling hooks, spreader bars, roppes, gags, pet dog play are already part of our regular sex for many years. We feel we’ve taken bondage and rough sex as far as we can go, we’ve recently been engaging in cosplay and scenario sex in an attempt to keep our sex fresh and exciting. We’ve been talking about D/s sex play. Recently, I asked her if she’s willing to try it. She said yes and accepted a training collar with no hesitation.

Perhaps our D/s adventure will flourish and bring us to many exciting places. Perhaps it will take weeks, months or years for me to learn how to dominate and for her to learn how to submit. Perhaps one will learn faster than the other. Perhaps our attempts will flounder and we will discover that it isn’t really our thing. At this point, I don’t know which way it’s headed. Such uncertainty makes it very exciting to pursue.

We hope that a D/s relationship is another way for us to keep our sex fresh and exciting for many years to come. By sharing the start of our D/s relationship, I hope that experienced D/s’s will read it with nostalgic joy when they are reminded of the start of their own relationship. I also hope that you can share some ideas and give guidance to my wife and I.

I hope that other novice D/s’s will join the conversation so we can learn together and share ideas.

I will start by posting a new message detailing our first D/s session which happened 3 nights ago.

 

[77fbird400]

D/s session #1 - The Beginning

Non-fiction

I hope you’re not expecting this to be as exciting as a fictional story. This happened 3 nights ago.

I’ve been under the counsel and mentorship of another Hip user via PM. He guided me with advice through our first three D/s sessions. One of his suggestions was to ask my wife for her submission prior to our first encounter. I did. I explained to her via SMS what that means and gave her a glimpse of what it may look like. She agreed. That is not a surprise as we have been lightly dabbling in D/s for some time now. I’ll soon learn it’s more complicated that I had imagined.

The nights we have extended sex can be roughly divided into 4 parts:
[a] Full body massage for her starting from her toes to the nape of her neck. ~30m
Oral for her and me ~30m
[c] Kink, bondage, spanking, pet training, cosplay, scenario, D/s play etc…~30m
[d] Sex ~1-4 hours

For our first D/s night, we didn’t do and move straight into [c] for our D/s session.

This will be our very first D/s sex play.

At this point, I haven’t presented her with a collar.

I placed a pillow on the floor for her knees beside the master bed. I asked her to wear panties only. I asked her to sit on her knees with her knees on the pillow and hands folded on her lap. I asked her if she would accept my training collar. It is a ¾” felt collar with a crab claw clasp. She giggled, rolled her eyes and said yes. I wasn’t thrilled about the giggling but again, we’re both new to this and she wasn’t wearing the collar yet. I’ll let it go I guess. Not having much experience handling jewelry clasps, I fumbled putting the collar on her, she giggled again and helped me. Cute!

Here is her training collar:

Now wearing the collar, my requests turned to commands. I commanded her to remain on her knees, hands folded on her lap, toes pointed together. I was sitting on the bed facing her. I gave her two simple rules. [1] While wearing the training collar, she is to obey me at all times. I will later learn that she has no idea what that entails. [2] She must not speak unless she asks first. I will later learn that this is almost impossible for this woman to stop talking. My simple intentions that night was to inform her of those two rules, teach her two slave positions and issue her first punishment under this new D/s sex play.

I informed her that I will teach her two slave positions from this document:
https://***************/document/d/1kKkEbfjUtk7lopFD_uwLH1-mbxWeH-bm-4_sVd92e3w/edit?usp=sharing

So while on her knees, I taught her position #1 - Good Girl. She is already in this position. Sitting on her heels in front of me, head down, back arched, mouth closed, waiting. She didn’t do a good job. She was slouched. I had to gently hold her chin with one hand, and use my other hand to arch her back. She wouldn’t stop fidgeting, adjusting herself on the pillow and talking. I gently reminded her about the rules and commanded her to stop fidgeting and talking. This isn’t a discussion. She didn’t listen very well. She held that position for about a minute.

I taught her position #2 - Ready. Kneeling, knees apart, back arched, hands behind her back, mouth open, tongue out. She doesn’t seem to take verbal instructions well. Once again, her posture was sloppy and far from my expectations. Once again, she required physical correction. I had to tell her not to hook her fingers behind her back, it looks terrible. I had to guide her hands to fully clasp each other. In order to do that, her arms needed to be further back pushing out her chest a bit more. This is what I was after. What a beautiful posture! I also had to guide her with my hands and physically arch her back by pressing on her lower back to get the curvature I wanted. Even then, she spoke, squirmed and didn’t hold the position for too long. So I corrected her again. She held this position for only a minute. Perhaps we could do this in a future session. I feel she needs to learn that her comfort is secondary to my commands. Of course, this is our first D/s play, she’s not used to this, neither am I. Training is going to take a long time. I allowed her to give me oral sex. She is already accustomed to this position for providing oral services to me. The only difference is that he is doing this as a slave, not as my wife. She consumed her prize with vigor as she usually does. I didn’t allow her to do it for very long, only a few minutes.

I commanded her to go back to position #1 - Good Girl. I told her that when moving from one position to the next, her movements need to be sharp, quick without overextending. I don’t think she understood me. Anyways, from slave position #1, I asked her to hold out her hands. I placed an 18” ruler on her open hands, palms up and asked her to present it to me while holding position #1 and holding the ruler at eye level with upward facing, open palms. A this time, I should mention that the 18” ruler is one of several spanking implements that I use regularly on various places on her body during regular sex. So, she has seen it many times before. Again, she spoke, fidgeted and I had to physically correct her posture. She held this position for 2 minutes with me sitting on the bed in front of her. I used a sand timer.

This was a very beautiful sight ingrained in my memory. To watch the woman I love so dearly as a slave wife, sitting in position #1, eager to please, willing to obey (but not doing very well) and presenting me with a spanking implement and holding all of this for 2 minutes in a room only lit with a single flickering candle. Watching her in this beautifully submissive position as I sit above her was just so erotic! She actually did a pretty good job and I should have rewarded her for her efforts. But things would change, no doubt due to our lack of experience.

I regret doing what I’m about to do, I’ll explain why later. For some reason, she dropped on hand to the side and looked to the left. I grabbed her chin with my fingers, rather forcibly turned her head back to a forward position and held her head in this position with my hand still grasping her chin. I pointed a finger at her and told her to behave herself, she is wearing a training collar. I spoke through my teeth with a rather angry tone. I tugged at her collar to remind her she’s wearing it. I couldn’t see her eyes very well as the room was completely dark except for a single flickering candle. This is something I’ve never actually done to her. She was surprised and let out a little “yelp”. It was quite erotic but even at that moment, even as a complete novice, I knew I had gone too far. I regretted my action but I can’t take it back.I just didn’t know how bad the damage was until later.

When the 2 minutes had elapsed, I gently cupped my hands on each of her cheeks and told her that she will be punished for her earlier infractions. I bent her over the bed, held her wrists behind her back, knees on the floor and spanked her with the 18” ruler that she was holding. Now, I should mention that spank-play during sex is normal. I spank her a lot using various implements - the 18” ruler is my favorite. I also use a plastic ruler, bamboo kitchen spoon, a belt I made and a flogger. Since this is also my first time as a Dominant, I didn’t realize that this was actually erotic pleasure, not a punishment. Regardless, it was fun for both of us!

Our first D/s session ended after that. Total elapsed time was about 30 minutes. At that time, I told her that her training was over, I took off her collar. I should have provided some after-care, at least a hug or a kiss or both. This is another mistake of mine. I told her, we can have sex now as we normally wold. This is where things got interesting and not in a good way.

Sex is really a lot of fun with her. She is very responsive and “wiggly” and just a real pleasure in bed. But this time, she was unresponsive. She just opened her legs and let me in. I knew right away something was wrong so I stopped immediately. Then, she started gently crying and curled into a fetal position and turned away from me. At this point, I knew I messed something up badly.

There were so many erotic experience that night during our first D/s session. This experience was both the most erotic experience and the most deely concerning one at the same time. The combination of erotica and concern was like mixing fire and ice. Watching her cry, naked in a fetal position with the single flickering candle light after being my slave was so sensual. Yet this is the first time she cried during sex play, in fact, I don’t think I’ve ever made her cry before. That was extremely concerning. I love my wife immensely, and I would never do anything to hurt her. Of course I pulled back from having sex with her and just hugged her deeply and closely. At least I had the clarity of mind to know that this isn’t the time to be probing her for answers as to why she was crying.

I didn’t know what else to do. I won’t insult other Dom’s by calling myself that, I’m not a Dom. I’m completely new at this. I’m learning. I kept spoon hugging her from behind and did nothing else. I was hoping that I could somehow convey through touch that I was sorry that I went too far in her first D/s experience. It didn’t matter to me at all if we have sex that night or not. It didn’t matter to me if this was our last D/s session. I’m not sure how much time elapsed but eventually, she turned around, wrapped her arms around my neck, kissed me and we had sex. And so concluded our first D/s session.

 

[CyberKitty20]

...deleted...

 

[77fbird400]

Reflection on our first D/s experience

It’s hard to describe in words what an utterly amazing experience our first D/s session turned out to be! I realize for experts like you, this session would have put you to sleep. But for us it was just the most wonderful experience! What made it even more amazing was the fact that we both made a number of mistakes. It wasn’t predictable. It didn’t go as planned. How exciting!

Here are a few observations.

# I don’t think she is truly submissive. I hope you’re not shocked to learn that this was my idea. My reasoning is simply we do a lot of these “BDSM things” already, lets try to take it to another level. I would call her 75% submissive.

# I think she’s doing this mostly because she loves me. Bless her kind heart, she is a woman who stands by her man. As indicated by her crying, I believe she derives pleasure because she knows this is what I wish for her - a slave wife. But she finds it difficult to do.

# Given the above two points, I question how far I can go. If I want this to continue, I must step slowly, carefully, gently and with her feelings primarily in my mind.

# The thought of being able to sexually control someone but out of love and respect is intensely erotic beyond words. If I’m right, and she is not truly submissive, her main motivation is to please me. Then, I must somehow show how pleased I am that she is doing this for me.

# As indicated by the crying, I think I went way too far in our first session. It was far too intense for my poor wife. She couldn’t handle it but she forced herself to do it out of pure love for me. Bless her pure heart! How do you thank someone for this?

# Spanking is not a punishment, it’s erotic pleasure - a reward. I was thinking a more appropriate punishment is to make her hold a slave position for a longer period of time. She is a chatty and wiggly girl, sitting still and not talking is hard for her to do. I feel this is a simple punishment, it isn’t necessarily sexual, but I feel this will be effective. Another punishment I was thinking about implementing is not allowing her to give me oral sex. She loves giving me oral, so like spanking, it’s a actually reward.

# Perhaps I’m wrong I feel that in a way, the slave has a much easier job than the Dom. The slave needs to obey. But it is the Dom’s responsibility to ensure his slave is operating somewhat within the confines of her abilities and limits. The slave pleases her Dom. But I’m going to argue that it is much more of a task for Dom to please not just himself but his slave as well. I’m not sure even someone is 100% submissive would do it if they’re not getting at least something out of it.

# She’s really bad at this. I can see she is trying. But she just can’t stop fidgeting to adjust for comfort and talking. I think she will need to learn a lesson to accept discomfort. She needs to learn what it means to obey me. I will need to think of ways that I can teach her how to put her wants and needs second to my wishes when she is wearing a training collar.

# The next day, I texted her and apologized that I had gone too far in our first D/s session. I mentioned that I would love to continue training her as my submissive, slave wife. But if she’s not into it, I simply won’t ever bring this up again no matter how much I desire it. She texted me back immediately that it is ok to continue. However, I still believe she is doing this because she loves me and wishes to please me. I still don’t think she’s 100% submissive by nature.

# Holy smokes this is fun!

 

[KimGordon67]

Three words ... aftercare, aftercare and aftercare. I won't be the only person to say this.

Submitting is pretty psychologically draining, and can bring up some unexpected (but often entirely predictable) responses. After a particularly intense session, I need to be wrapped up and allowed to cry. Sometimes I'll also cum, if there's been physical stuff going on, but that's up to me, not him. Sometimes there'll be sex afterwards, but not always. Me crying doesn't mean he's done something wrong ... but if you or your wife are not OK with that response from her, then maybe this isn't the thing for you?

With the guy I'm seeing atm, which is strictly casual, I'll only engage in pretty light d/s stuff with him, because I know that if we go further, there's likely to be a response from me that's entirely inappropriate for that particular relationship, and he's unlikely to know how (or even particularly want to) deal with that. It's fine - he's a great guy and I enjoy being with him a great deal, but that sort of d/s play is off the table.

 

[77fbird400]

Three words ... aftercare, aftercare and aftercare. I won't be the only person to say this.

Submitting is pretty psychologically draining, and can bring up some unexpected (but often entirely predictable) responses. After a particularly intense session, I need to be wrapped up and allowed to cry. Sometimes I'll also cum, if there's been physical stuff going on, but that's up to me, not him. Sometimes there'll be sex afterwards, but not always. Me crying doesn't mean he's done something wrong ... but if you or your wife are not OK with that response from her, then maybe this isn't the thing for you?

With the guy I'm seeing atm, which is strictly casual, I'll only engage in pretty light d/s stuff with him, because I know that if we go further, there's likely to be a response from me that's entirely inappropriate for that particular relationship, and he's unlikely to know how (or even particularly want to) deal with that. It's fine - he's a great guy and I enjoy being with him a great deal, but that sort of d/s play is off the table.

Great advice again Kim, I did realize that even before the first session was over. I should not have moved from D/s play to sex right away, there needs to be a significant amount of after-care, and I do know that my wife requires it even outside of D/s.

I think we all stumble when we try anything new - a new musical instrument, a new sport, a new job, new school. I only hope to survive the initial bumps so we can keep this going. But as soon as she tells me she's had enough, I'm done with D/s play.

Our second session was 1 night ago, it was simpler. I'll post it while it's still fresh in my mind.

Thank you for your response Kim. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

 

[KimGordon67]

I'm a little puzzled that you don't seem to be talking to her about how the whole thing makes her feel, beyond simply texting to say you'll stop if that's what she wants. When I've been in relationships with d/s dynamics, we've spent a fair bit of time talking about how it feels - for both of us - which makes everything a bit safer. You seem to make a couple of assumptions about why she's doing certain things ... why don't you just ask her?

 

[wicked woman]

May I suggest that you do some more research/learning about D/s before you continue?

May I suggest that you have a huge amount of communicating to do with your wife if you have any hope of this working.

Your expectation that she be perfect and silent for her first training, when it sounds like she didn't even know what would be expected of her, nor had she been part of a negotiation of what this D/s relationship might look like/entail before she agreed, was unreasonable.

Please look up the difference between punishment and funishment. It appears that you may have confused the two based on your assumption, before it even started, that this first session would include punishment.

Wondering where you got your expectations of what a D/s relationship looks like. (No need to answer.)

People often giggle, fidget, even smile and laugh when they're nervous. It's involuntary. This can happen despite their trying to please.

Tops/Doms don't always need to demand. A simple request can mean the same thing.

Did your wife understand that training meant being put into various positions?

This should be a huge learning experience for both of you. That requires negotiations up front, feedback during, and discussion after. Perfection, and punishment when it doesn't happen, is an unrealistic expectation.

This is just the tip of the iceberg of my thoughts/questions. I'm trying to be constructive, since you've been vulnerable in sharing this, especially knowing it didn't go well, but if this had been my first D/s experience, there would be so much talking before I would even consider there being another.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I'm a little puzzled that you don't seem to be talking to her about how the whole thing makes her feel, beyond simply texting to say you'll stop if that's what she wants. When I've been in relationships with d/s dynamics, we've spent a fair bit of time talking about how it feels - for both of us - which makes everything a bit safer. You seem to make a couple of assumptions about why she's doing certain things ... why don't you just ask her?

This right here is the biggest thing that seems to be missing to me. Have y'all discussed what submission and domination looks like to both of you? I see that y'all have been in a relationship for a long time so I know y'all know one another very well. Has she read and done as much research as you have about domination and submission? She may have different ideas or different interpretations of it.

Do you think some of her initial reactions could have been from nerves? I'd personally probably giggle if I was nervous. Did y'all discuss what would be expected prior to the session?

Punishment is a tricky thing too. In demo sessions I've had, punishment was never part of it. It was about learning. I may have been redirected to do better or hold a position better. I'm also not the type to go about doing stuff so I'll be punished. I can't stand being bad or doing something deserving punishment. Of course I understand that sometimes it is warranted but I never set out to be punished. Things that I would normally enjoy are absolutely horrid during punishment. But again for me, I don't want to do something that would warrant punishment. Punishment is also separate from other scenes or sessions. Also for me just the suggestion of causing disappointment or frustration or anything like that is enough to refocus me.

Thank you for contributing here and being so open with your experiences and observations. I hope y'all are having discussions about all of it that are as open. Oh and I struggle to talk about this stuff verbally with a couple of my partners so we did a lot of communication via email. It doesn't have to be online. Paper and pencil work great. It really helps me gather my thoughts.

 

[ultramarineblue]

May I suggest that you do some more research/learning about D/s before you continue?

May I suggest that you have a huge amount of communicating to do with your wife if you have any hope of this working.

Your expectation that she be perfect and silent for her first training, when it sounds like she didn't even know what would be expected of her, nor had she been part of a negotiation of what this D/s relationship might look like/entail before she agreed, was unreasonable.

Please look up the difference between punishment and funishment. It appears that you may have confused the two based on your assumption, before it even started, that this first session would include punishment.

Wondering where you got your expectations of what a D/s relationship looks like. (No need to answer.)

People often giggle, fidget, even smile and laugh when they're nervous. It's involuntary. This can happen despite their trying to please.

Tops/Doms don't always need to demand. A simple request can mean the same thing.

Did your wife understand that training meant being put into various positions?

This should be a huge learning experience for both of you. That requires negotiations up front, feedback during, and discussion after. Perfection, and punishment when it doesn't happen, is an unrealistic expectation.

This is just the tip of the iceberg of my thoughts/questions. I'm trying to be constructive, since you've been vulnerable in sharing this, especially knowing it didn't go well, but if this had been my first D/s experience, there would be so much talking before I would even consider there being another.

She expressed a lot of my thoughts so much more eloquently than I did. Don't give up but research and communicate, communicate, communicate.

 

[KimGordon67]

Also, I would recommend checking in with her during sessions to make sure she's OK. People usually only use safewords when they're really at their limit - there can be quite a bit of room between that and being 'OK'.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Well, I moved this to the Cafe as it was a Journal/Personal Blog kind of thread, but now a lovely discussion is taking place. Should I move it back?!?

Also, great takes and suggestions in the thread. All of the posts have resonated with me and I don’t have more to add other than I hope the OP sees these and considers them.

 

[77fbird400]

This right here is the biggest thing that seems to be missing to me. Have y'all discussed what submission and domination looks like to both of you? I see that y'all have been in a relationship for a long time so I know y'all know one another very well. Has she read and done as much research as you have about domination and submission? She may have different ideas or different interpretations of it.

Do you think some of her initial reactions could have been from nerves? I'd personally probably giggle if I was nervous. Did y'all discuss what would be expected prior to the session?

Punishment is a tricky thing too. In demo sessions I've had, punishment was never part of it. It was about learning. I may have been redirected to do better or hold a position better. I'm also not the type to go about doing stuff so I'll be punished. I can't stand being bad or doing something deserving punishment. Of course I understand that sometimes it is warranted but I never set out to be punished. Things that I would normally enjoy are absolutely horrid during punishment. But again for me, I don't want to do something that would warrant punishment. Punishment is also separate from other scenes or sessions. Also for me just the suggestion of causing disappointment or frustration or anything like that is enough to refocus me.

Thank you for contributing here and being so open with your experiences and observations. I hope y'all are having discussions about all of it that are as open. Oh and I struggle to talk about this stuff verbally with a couple of my partners so we did a lot of communication via email. It doesn't have to be online. Paper and pencil work great. It really helps me gather my thoughts.

She reads erotic literature but not from here. I do know that hers are mostly romantic stories.

No, we haven't discussed what it might look like.

Nerves = yes. But she is normally fidgety and talkative.

That is why I set that rule, she can't talk. Because I knew she would have a hard time with it but it isn't that hard to do. Does that make sense? Was that a bad idea?

What is a demo session?

Thanks for sharing your views of punishment. Spank / whip / flogging is a normal part of our sex for quite a number of years. So that is nothing new to her. I've noticed a long time ago, ie: when my youngest daughter was conceived, that her orgasms are highly intensified by rough sex / spanking. I still remember that night in our old home, I got carried away, she was having an orgasm from missionary, I held her arms above her head, slapped her breasts, I've never seen her orgasm like that. I didn't even know why I did that, it was just a reaction on my part. Regardless, that is how we discovered rough sex. So really, spanking type punishments are really just erotic pleasure.

I too prefer to communicate via text with my wife when it comes to these topics.

She expressed a lot of my thoughts so much more eloquently than I did. Don't give up but research and communicate, communicate, communicate.

Also, I would recommend checking in with her during sessions to make sure she's OK. People usually only use safewords when they're really at their limit - there can be quite a bit of room between that and being 'OK'.

How do I check in on her in the middle of D/s play without ruining the mood? Do I just ask “Are you ok hun?” This is a legit question, not joking.

I thought safe words are only for more intense BDSM play and not D/s stuff. Great tip, I’ll ask her but not sure if I trust that she’ll use the safeword when needed. I’m sure that she is doing this because she loves me and she knows I want it. I think that love can bring her to dangerous places. I have to be careful even with a safe word.

I'm a little puzzled that you don't seem to be talking to her about how the whole thing makes her feel, beyond simply texting to say you'll stop if that's what she wants. When I've been in relationships with d/s dynamics, we've spent a fair bit of time talking about how it feels - for both of us - which makes everything a bit safer. You seem to make a couple of assumptions about why she's doing certain things ... why don't you just ask her?

You’re not going to believe me, but my wife and I are staunch Christians even though we break a lot of rules behind closed doors. Now that I’m an adult with a mind of my own, I don’t necessarily buy everything that I’m being told. Not like when you’re a kid, and the teacher says “pray” and you pray. “Kneel” and you kneel. "Put your hands together" and you put your hands together. I still consider ourselves practising and active Christians. We practice together with our children. I’m not sure if that is the only reason but that is defiantly a big reason we don’t talk about sex.

Another possible reason is that our home is full of kids (for better or worse). Even worse, they’re all teenagers this year and they can stay up to all hours of the night. It gets worse. My daughters are used to running in and out of the master bedroom to use my wife’s woman products whenever they please. If you're a girl I bet you know this. I have a hard time saying no to my daughters. Still, I will take your advice Kim and make a big effort to talk about it more with my wife. I know the perfect time, before or after sex in the privacy of our room (we have a different room for sex outside of our bedroom).

May I suggest that you do some more research/learning about D/s before you continue?

May I suggest that you have a huge amount of communicating to do with your wife if you have any hope of this working.

Your expectation that she be perfect and silent for her first training, when it sounds like she didn't even know what would be expected of her, nor had she been part of a negotiation of what this D/s relationship might look like/entail before she agreed, was unreasonable.

Please look up the difference between punishment and funishment. It appears that you may have confused the two based on your assumption, before it even started, that this first session would include punishment.

Wondering where you got your expectations of what a D/s relationship looks like. (No need to answer.)

People often giggle, fidget, even smile and laugh when they're nervous. It's involuntary. This can happen despite their trying to please.

Tops/Doms don't always need to demand. A simple request can mean the same thing.

Did your wife understand that training meant being put into various positions?

This should be a huge learning experience for both of you. That requires negotiations up front, feedback during, and discussion after. Perfection, and punishment when it doesn't happen, is an unrealistic expectation.

This is just the tip of the iceberg of my thoughts/questions. I'm trying to be constructive, since you've been vulnerable in sharing this, especially knowing it didn't go well, but if this had been my first D/s experience, there would be so much talking before I would even consider there being another.

"funishment" - nice!

Thank you for your response. Understood, more communicating, I will make a big effort to do that. Promise.

Correct, she wasn’t part of the negotiation of what it would look like. I still think she is putting up a huge effort for the simple reason that she loves and trusts me. I don’t think she is really that submissive. That’s why in my reflection, I’m questioning how far this can go?

I got most of my ideas from reading Literotica stories, including the slave position idea and the punishment. I’ve always thought the Literotica stories are people’s sexual fantasies expressed in writing.

You’re right, I don’t think she understood what training meant.

There is so much information available on the internet, do you have a suggestion on where I should go to do more research?

You’re right, it didn’t go well. But I should mention that the next day after our first session, she was very affectionate with me. Even more so than normal. She didn’t have to tell me, I know that she was OK with it even though we didn’t talk about it. Still, you and Kim are correct, D/s play is much more complicated than sex. Communication is essential.

I have an analogy of our first D/s session. I’m a novice musician trying to play my favorite song. I have some skills. I worked hard and I can play the song. To another novice, it sounds similar to the version played by a professional. But to another professional such as yourselves and my mentor here on Lit who has been advising me via PM, there are so many mistakes even though it sounds similar. A novice musician simply doesn’t have the muscle control to truly bring the song to life like a professional. Only after years of practice and training can the novice musician really bring the song to life like a professional.

Well, I moved this to the Cafe as it was a Journal/Personal Blog kind of thread, but now a lovely discussion is taking place. Should I move it back?!?

Also, great takes and suggestions in the thread. All of the posts have resonated with me and I don’t have more to add other than I hope the OP sees these and considers them.

Your call boss-lady! Yes I’m learning a lot. I will do my best to implement all the suggestions.

 

[KimGordon67]

Just a small question ... if "she wasn’t part of the negotiation of what it would look like", how have you worked out where your respective boundaries are?

 

[Bramblethorn]

That is why I set that rule, she can't talk. Because I knew she would have a hard time with it but it isn't that hard to do. Does that make sense? Was that a bad idea?

Silencing people can be a fun part of BDSM, but if you're doing it, need to give some thought to how you're going to communicate when necessary, especially while exploring new things.

How do I check in on her in the middle of D/s play without ruining the mood? Do I just ask “Are you ok hun?” This is a legit question, not joking.

I thought safe words are only for more intense BDSM play and not D/s stuff. Great tip, I’ll ask her but not sure if I trust that she’ll use the safeword when needed. I’m sure that she is doing this because she loves me and she knows I want it. I think that love can bring her to dangerous places. I have to be careful even with a safe word.

Yeah, it's good to have a safeword, but it's also good to have some room for nuance in between "bring this scene crashing to a halt right now" and "having the time of my life, don't stop". As you've noticed, people can be reluctant to spoil their partner's fun and may make martyrs of themselves, which isn't a great idea.

It's hard to give universal advice because this kind of thing depends both on the physical logistics of the play (what kind of signals might the pyl need to give, what signals CAN they give?) and also on what's in both of your heads - one couple's normal in-scene communication might ruin things completely for another.

I'm fond of positive assent, which turns the safeword concept upside down - instead of silence meaning "go on", the pyl has to indicate that they're okay with it. "Squeeze my hand if you're ready to continue", for instance. My story "Counting to Eleven"

For role-play-type situations, sometimes it works to establish a "scene" tone ("HA HA HA I HAVE YOU IN MY POWER, WENCH") vs. a "checking in" tone (e.g. a quiet "how you doing there?")

And another option is to expand things slowly, add a little bit each time and then talk afterwards about how it went for both of you.

If you've been with your partner a long time, you will hopefully have some experience reading her moods, and that can help a lot. But especially for new territory it's still important to communicate.

(obligatory chorus of "not 50 Shades!" goes here)

You’re not going to believe me, but my wife and I are staunch Christians even though we break a lot of rules behind closed doors.

That's not in the top 1000 of "things Bramble wouldn't believe". I've played with some very kinky Christians in my time.

I got most of my ideas from reading Literotica stories, including the slave position idea and the punishment. I’ve always thought the Literotica stories are people’s sexual fantasies expressed in writing.

They are, but there are different styles of fantasy.

A lot of the BDSM stories here are pure wish-fulfilment, the BDSM equivalent of "and then I won the lottery and everybody wanted to fuck me". Everybody's a mind-reader and has a bajillion dollars to spend on their sex dungeon, that kind of thing. A good deal of commercially published "BDSM" fiction is in the same category.

OTOH, there are also stories here that are closer to how healthy BDSM can work IRL. I'd nominate my own stories "Counting to Eleven" and "Anjali's Red Scarf" as stories that incorporate what I'd consider realistic styles of communication around BDSM scenes, both during the scene and outside it. Kumquatqueen also writes a bunch of good BDSM-themed stories that include realistic levels of communication, and I expect other posters here can point to more.

(My "The Floggings Will Continue..." is also kind of BDSM-themed, I guess, but dysfunctional; among other things, it's about what happens when people remember consent but forget care.)

 

[77fbird400]

OTOH, there are also stories here that are closer to how healthy BDSM can work IRL. I'd nominate my own stories "Counting to Eleven" and "Anjali's Red Scarf" as stories that incorporate what I'd consider realistic styles of communication around BDSM scenes, both during the scene and outside it. Kumquatqueen also writes a bunch of good BDSM-themed stories that include realistic levels of communication, and I expect other posters here can point to more.

(My "The Floggings Will Continue..." is also kind of BDSM-themed, I guess, but dysfunctional; among other things, it's about what happens when people remember consent but forget care.)

Thanks for your response, I'll respond in detail later, I'll start reading those stories. I need many more D/s BDSM ideas. I'm finding that video porn is a bad place to look.

 

[seela]

Reflection on our first D/s experience

It’s hard to describe in words what an utterly amazing experience our first D/s session turned out to be! I realize for experts like you, this session would have put you to sleep. But for us it was just the most wonderful experience!

*snip*

Was it the most wonderful experience for your wife? Was she happy doing the slave positions and getting trained? Have you asked her what she thinks about the experience now that some time has passed? Also did she know that the training collar you placed on her meant all those things you wrote it did? Maybe to her it was just a kinky accessory and not a symbol of ownership like you seem to view it as.

There are so many different flavors of BDSM. Her interests may lie somewhere else than holding a slave position for a certain amount of time. You seem to be open to each other about your kinks, so I really suggest you talk about what each of you want from D/s. Maybe write down some thoughts, both of you, and see where your common ground might be.

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

First, thank you for sharing your journey in public. And thank you for being so thoughtful about some great feedback.

To add my 2 cents (CDN*):

I will repeat that communication is key. You should know each other's limits to the point that use of a safe word should be a rare occurrence. This means "negotiating" beforehand.

I don't like to say "A True Dom will..." (any more). But in effect, a Dom should never be angry in role, especially when dealing out any form of "punishment" (pick your word for impact play and other punitive measures). Control is key. An angry Dom with a crop is going to cause unintended damage. Brat play is fun, as long as you are both prepared for that. A great session starts:

Dom: Get your panties off

sub: Make me.

Let the fun ensue. (FUN)

Remember as well a Dom(me) cannot take power: the sub must give power to him or her. The sub has the power in the relationship and choses to TRUST the Dom enough to give it. To repeat again, trust comes in part from communication. The first time she sees a flogger in your hand, she must trust (a) that you have some idea how to use it properly and (b) you will stop if she safe words out.

(Did I say the same thing enough different ways to get that through? I'm kinda passionate about that)

Ignore Fifty Shades and 95% of the BDSM porn on PornHub and xHamster.

Have an emergency plan. For example, if you are using rope or similar ties, have some EMT scissors and a sharp knife in the nightstand with the lube and nipple clamps.

And on a more personal note: I recommend that you try sensory deprivation. A blindfold, earmuffs / ear plugs or both asserts domination in a surprisingly effective way with little or no probability of harm. (Get a leather eye mask. The scent of leather will trigger you both after.)

Finally, you have already found out that the wonderful PYL/pyl pervs of the BDSM Café will answer about any question. We love to talk about our kinks. Ask away. No kink shaming here.

* We don't use pennies in Canada. We round up or down. $0.02CDN rounds to zero lol

 

[IrisAlthea]

First about the punishment thing:
It sounds from what you wrote, like she really tried to please you, to do what you wanted her to do and to overcome her normal fidgety, talkative ways.
Being punished for failing, when you really tried your best, is very different from being punished for not giving it your best shot or messing up on purpose.
If what she is into is pleasing you and getting spanked, you will probably have rethink the dynamic.

Like you already noticed, there is some work to be done and not just fun.

Knowing more about what motivates her and what she hopes to get out of it is important. Being in a strong committed relationship is a help with some things, but it also makes it difficult because you have so much invested in it.
She may be doing this just for you, like you were thinking. What does that mean for your journey? What do you need to talk about then?
She may be in to it, but have her own needs and wants. What will that mean for you and how do you make it work?

I know about the thing with teenagers, but they are old enough to learn to knock and wait. Also, if you have a room outside the house for sex (!?), you have a place to go talk.
Knowing what motivates you and what you want to get out of this is just as important. Look deeper than cool things you saw and what others tell you you should be doing.

 

[77fbird400]

Thank you for your kind responses! Your wise counsel is appreciated. Here are my consolidated responses:

First about the punishment thing:
It sounds from what you wrote, like she really tried to please you, to do what you wanted her to do and to overcome her normal fidgety, talkative ways.
Being punished for failing, when you really tried your best, is very different from being punished for not giving it your best shot or messing up on purpose.
If what she is into is pleasing you and getting spanked, you will probably have rethink the dynamic.

Yes, I’ve been spanking her for a long time, I didn’t realize it in our first D/s session but spanking is not a punishment at all. It’s erotic pleasure for her. FYI, I tried to get her to spank me, I even made several implements for her to use on me but she doesn’t put effort into it and frankly, it doesn’t hurt.

Knowing more about what motivates her and what she hopes to get out of it is important. Being in a strong committed relationship is a help with some things, but it also makes it difficult because you have so much invested in it.
She may be doing this just for you, like you were thinking. What does that mean for your journey? What do you need to talk about then?
She may be in to it, but have her own needs and wants. What will that mean for you and how do you make it work?

She told me flat out that it isn’t her favorite sex play. I believe her favorite is oral (giving) and something new we’ve been doing - scenario or cosplay sex (with costumes, maid, school girl, nurse etc…)

I know about the thing with teenagers, but they are old enough to learn to knock and wait. Also, if you have a room outside the house for sex (!?), you have a place to go talk.
Knowing what motivates you and what you want to get out of this is just as important. Look deeper than cool things you saw and what others tell you you should be doing.

[/QUOTE]

We do actually, we have a spare bedroom that we use for sex. We have a different approach to our teenage children and sex. Although we don’t blatantly make it obvious, when we do have sex, we lock the door, start late (ie: 2AM), hopefully they’re sleeping. And if they arn’t, it isn’t exactly a bad thing for them to learn that sex is a normal part of a health and comitted relationship.

First, thank you for sharing your journey in public. And thank you for being so thoughtful about some great feedback.

I don’t mind sharing. Only my wife and I knows these details so it would be pretty hard for someone to identify me online.

To add my 2 cents (CDN*):

I will repeat that communication is key. You should know each other's limits to the point that use of a safe word should be a rare occurrence. This means "negotiating" beforehand.

Communication = understood, I’m working on it!

I don't like to say "A True Dom will..." (any more). But in effect, a Dom should never be angry in role, especially when dealing out any form of "punishment" (pick your word for impact play and other punitive measures). Control is key. An angry Dom with a crop is going to cause unintended damage. Brat play is fun, as long as you are both prepared for that. A great session starts:

Dom: Get your panties off

sub: Make me.

Let the fun ensue. (FUN)

That sounds fun! But I’m afraid that isn’t her personality. I feel she really does have somewhat of a submissive personality. I call it 70% submissive. However, reflecting on our first D/s experiences, it is really fun when she tries, but fails. Even better when I know she is not doing it on purpose. After all, this is for the mutual enjoyment for both of us. However, there is no doubt that I enjoy it more than her.

No real anger in roleplay, understood. I will remember that.

Remember as well a Dom(me) cannot take power: the sub must give power to him or her. The sub has the power in the relationship and choses to TRUST the Dom enough to give it. To repeat again, trust comes in part from communication. The first time she sees a flogger in your hand, she must trust (a) that you have some idea how to use it properly and (b) you will stop if she safe words out.

(Did I say the same thing enough different ways to get that through? I'm kinda passionate about that)

Ignore Fifty Shades and 95% of the BDSM porn on PornHub and xHamster.

Yes, I learned quickly that BDSM video porn is a bad place to research.

Understood:
Communication is key
She must give me control, I can’t take it, but she can withdraw it I’m guessing

Spank play is nothing new to us. She gets spanked a lot and for many years. D/s is completely new to us.

Have an emergency plan. For example, if you are using rope or similar ties, have some EMT scissors and a sharp knife in the nightstand with the lube and nipple clamps.

GREAT TIP! I will do that! Bondage is part of our sex play but I’m not a big fan of it (takes too long) and neither is she. We do engage in bondage once in a while. However, she is almost always wearing ankle and wrist cuffs. I just like to hear them clink around when we’re having sex. And I like the way she looks in them. It is very erotic! I don’t alway use them even when she is wearing them. However, our bed has multiple tie points around it and quick clips for easy bondage. Bondage, spank and general kink play is something we’ve been doing for a long time. We’re 100% monogamous, this is how we attempt to keep things exciting without the benefit of group, cuck, swinging.

And on a more personal note: I recommend that you try sensory deprivation. A blindfold, earmuffs / ear plugs or both asserts domination in a surprisingly effective way with little or no probability of harm. (Get a leather eye mask. The scent of leather will trigger you both after.)

Oh I never tried ear plugs. How is she going to hear my commands? But blindfolds are part of our sex play already. I like to use my ties. Something about being restrained by men’s clothing really gets her excited. She’s not a big fan of gags, but she’ll do it for me. Therefore, I don’t use a gag that often.

Finally, you have already found out that the wonderful PYL/pyl pervs of the BDSM Café will answer about any question. We love to talk about our kinks. Ask away. No kink shaming here.

Nope, no idea what “PYL/pyl pervs” are, will do some research.

* We don't use pennies in Canada. We round up or down. $0.02CDN rounds to zero lol

LOL!

Was it the most wonderful experience for your wife?

No, it wasn’t. She cried. I feel only her love for me carried her through our first session. It was somewhat scarring for both her and me. I was 100% ready to stop this immediately. I’ve asked her a number of times after that first session if she is willing to continue D/s play. She said it isn’t her favourite sex play but she is willing. I know she is doing this because she knows I like it and she loves me. Bless her heart, truly and deeply.

Was she happy doing the slave positions and getting trained?

She seemed happy.

Have you asked her what she thinks about the experience now that some time has passed?

See my response above. As of today, it has been about 6 days since our first session. I asked again today, she said she wishes to continue. But I can’t always trust what she says. Sometimes she does and says things out of love but doesn’t really want to do it. I have to step carefully.

Also did she know that the training collar you placed on her meant all those things you wrote it did?

No, I did give her a glimpse of what it may entail. And as I mentioned above, we already engage in pet-girl training, BDSM, bondage, spank play quite a bit. So I figure, layering D/s play ontop of it won’t be a big step. Well, once again, I was wrong. It is a HUGE step.

Maybe to her it was just a kinky accessory and not a symbol of ownership like you seem to view it as.

I never thought of that. Perhaps she simply didn’t understand what the collar meant. This is a great tip, thank you!

There are so many different flavors of BDSM. Her interests may lie somewhere else than holding a slave position for a certain amount of time. You seem to be open to each other about your kinks, so I really suggest you talk about what each of you want from D/s. Maybe write down some thoughts, both of you, and see where your common ground might be.

Really dumb question, is BDSM the same as domination and submission? I thought the BD stands for Bondage and discipline and the SM stands for Sado / Masochism - deprivation, pain, humiliation. I honestly thought BDSM is different than domination and submission. I mean D/s can include BDSM, or not?

Silencing people can be a fun part of BDSM, but if you're doing it, need to give some thought to how you're going to communicate when necessary, especially while exploring new things.

Yeah, it's good to have a safeword, but it's also good to have some room for nuance in between "bring this scene crashing to a halt right now" and "having the time of my life, don't stop". As you've noticed, people can be reluctant to spoil their partner's fun and may make martyrs of themselves, which isn't a great idea.

It's hard to give universal advice because this kind of thing depends both on the physical logistics of the play (what kind of signals might the pyl need to give, what signals CAN they give?) and also on what's in both of your heads - one couple's normal in-scene communication might ruin things completely for another.

Well in the last 12+ years we’ve been spanking, BDSM, bondage, ropes, cuffs etc… we’ve never had a safeword. I simply don’t trust she’ll use it in the heat of sex. I’m usually the instigator when it comes to trying something new and … well, dirty. After over 20 years of sex with the same person, I just know her very well.

And trust me, she has no issue about telling me if I’ve hit a hard point. For example, we engage in pet girl training and have been doing that for a while. This is way before we started D/s play (only a few days ago as of this writing). She’ll let me put her on a doggie collar (one made for women, comfortable) and leash. She’ll walk around in a leash, play fetch, heel, beg. I’ll hold her neck and face to the floor with one hand and spank her with my other hand etc… She’ll also eat a certain bodily fluid (from me) out of my hands or a dish from the kitchen. So I figure, I’ll get her a proper dog dish. Well she freaked out on me! Heck I couldn’t even return the doggie dish I was afraid to even look at it!

I'm fond of positive assent, which turns the safeword concept upside down - instead of silence meaning "go on", the pyl has to indicate that they're okay with it. "Squeeze my hand if you're ready to continue", for instance. My story "Counting to Eleven"

For role-play-type situations, sometimes it works to establish a "scene" tone ("HA HA HA I HAVE YOU IN MY POWER, WENCH") vs. a "checking in" tone (e.g. a quiet "how you doing there?")

Wow, never heard of this! I will investigate further! Maybe I can find a Lit story on it?

And another option is to expand things slowly, add a little bit each time and then talk afterwards about how it went for both of you.

If you've been with your partner a long time, you will hopefully have some experience reading her moods, and that can help a lot. But especially for new territory it's still important to communicate.

(obligatory chorus of "not 50 Shades!" goes here)

Honestly, I really do love my wife immensely. I’m not boasting, but I can tell how she is feeling by the way she greets me in the morning or the way she walks. Everyone here is telling me communication is so important. But my wife and I rarely talk about sex except sometimes through sms / text. It has always been like that. Aside from our Christian upbringing and generally “wrong” to talk about sex, I find it weird to talk about it when you’re not in the heat of the moment (having sex).

That's not in the top 1000 of "things Bramble wouldn't believe". I've played with some very kinky Christians in my time.

Count us in!

They are, but there are different styles of fantasy.

A lot of the BDSM stories here are pure wish-fulfilment, the BDSM equivalent of "and then I won the lottery and everybody wanted to fuck me". Everybody's a mind-reader and has a bajillion dollars to spend on their sex dungeon, that kind of thing. A good deal of commercially published "BDSM" fiction is in the same category.

Hmmm… no idea there was commercially published BDSM, I assume you can get it through Amazon or something? A bookstore? I’m curious…

OTOH, there are also stories here that are closer to how healthy BDSM can work IRL. I'd nominate my own stories "Counting to Eleven" and "Anjali's Red Scarf" as stories that incorporate what I'd consider realistic styles of communication around BDSM scenes, both during the scene and outside it. Kumquatqueen also writes a bunch of good BDSM-themed stories that include realistic levels of communication, and I expect other posters here can point to more.

(My "The Floggings Will Continue..." is also kind of BDSM-themed, I guess, but dysfunctional; among other things, it's about what happens when people remember consent but forget care.)

I’m going to start reading them TONIGHT!!! I can’t wait to start

Just a small question ... if "she wasn’t part of the negotiation of what it would look like", how have you worked out where your respective boundaries are?

Kim, I just know her so well. It is really that simple. I’m always the instigator, the one who tries new (sex) things, buys new toys. When I make a mistake and hit one of her limits, she forgives me. Always.

Kim the way I see it, I’ve learned we are actually really kinky in our sex play compared to others. But we don’t share, swing, cuck, group or have multiple partners. It is hard to explain, but I feel it is through our mutual love and respect for each other that she allows me to do those things to her. I value her efforts and trust so much, that I am determined to show her the same love and respect both in and outside of the bedroom. Then she trusts me more and allows me to even push her hard limits. Then I want to return that love and trust even more and the vicious continues in the RIGHT direction.

I’ve always thought that when I hear men say they’re not getting enough sex from their wives. I’m thinking, when was the last time you opened the car door for her? Or when was the last time you came home early from work to make her a nice dinner? Or when was the last time you bought her something for no particular reason. Ie: it wasn’t her birthday, anniversary, Valentines, mothers day etc…Or when was the last time a husband said I want to take you to a park near the water with greasy pizza and a bottle of wine, watch the sunset together and kiss you like we’re on our first date? I bet not for a long time because you’re not getting enough sex from her so you want to punish her. Then these guys sit around wondering why they’re not getting sex from their wives. But they won’t treat her better because they’re not getting sex from her. It works in a vicious cycle in the wrong direction.

I’ve had one other sexual partner aside from my wife. That’s it. Just one. I am her first. So I’m not qualified to make this claim. I have a very simple thought. A woman needs to feel good about her man to allow him to have sex with her. The more she loves and trusts him, the more she is willing to abandon her sexual inhibitions for him. Of course, this only benefits him. The caveat is that he must make the first moves to build that trust and love. In a new relationship, it’s a huge investment for him with no guarantee of an adequate return from her. However, if he is not willing to make that initial investment, then you can be certain that nothing is going to happen.

 

[Justplatonic]

Hello 77fbird400.

I really respect putting your heart and soul out there.

I also respect and echo all the comments above. Sage advice indeed.

This caught my eye, with all due respect > "When I make a mistake and hit one of her limits, she forgives me. Always."

I used to think this, verbatim. I used think my Wife was this infinite well of forgiveness, that I could do no wrong.

I have to warn you... This is not true. No matter how it may appear from your POV (or how much she tells you its "OK"). I've learned this the hard way, and we still bare the scars as a couple.

We are all capable of forgiveness, but memory always persists and can do for a lifetime.

It took me years to really understand my Wife (I'm still learning). To really appreciate the consequences of what I asked of her over the years, versus what she was actually willing to do for me (on her terms).

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

Sorry. I used a slang term that I had to ask about.. PYL /pyl is "Pick Your Label / pick your label.

It means different people use different terms for Dom and sub, indicated by Upper and lower case letters. You commonly see W/we, referring to the couple.

We, the denizens of the Cafe are the "pervs"

Sensory Deprivation relies on the Dom giving pleasure to the sub in whatever form he/she likes it best. Food play (see 9 1/2 Weeks) and heat play (wax and ice) fit nicely as well as anything involving varying touch. This is where I learned how versatile a flogger can be, from gentle caress (with the scent of leather) to stinging impact. But start slowly if you've never used one. It's a step up from spanking. You need to practice, and learn first hand what an impact tool will do. (on yourself)

You should research SSC (Safe, Sane and Consentual) and RACK (Risk Assured Consentual Kink) while youre googling the other stuff. It just means "play safe", but thee are nuances.

Have fun. Keep this going.

 

[Bramblethorn]

No, I did give her a glimpse of what it may entail. And as I mentioned above, we already engage in pet-girl training, BDSM, bondage, spank play quite a bit. So I figure, layering D/s play ontop of it won’t be a big step. Well, once again, I was wrong. It is a HUGE step.

Yep. Different people have hugely different ideas about what counts as severe and scary play.

Really dumb question, is BDSM the same as domination and submission? I thought the BD stands for Bondage and discipline and the SM stands for Sado / Masochism - deprivation, pain, humiliation. I honestly thought BDSM is different than domination and submission. I mean D/s can include BDSM, or not?

BDSM incorporates B&D, D&S, and S&M. Domination and submission can be part of BDSM though it's not part of everybody's play.

I'd class humiliation more under D&S than S&M, but others might draw that line differently.

Well in the last 12+ years we’ve been spanking, BDSM, bondage, ropes, cuffs etc… we’ve never had a safeword. I simply don’t trust she’ll use it in the heat of sex. I’m usually the instigator when it comes to trying something new and … well, dirty. After over 20 years of sex with the same person, I just know her very well.

And trust me, she has no issue about telling me if I’ve hit a hard point. For example, we engage in pet girl training and have been doing that for a while. This is way before we started D/s play (only a few days ago as of this writing). She’ll let me put her on a doggie collar (one made for women, comfortable) and leash. She’ll walk around in a leash, play fetch, heel, beg. I’ll hold her neck and face to the floor with one hand and spank her with my other hand etc… She’ll also eat a certain bodily fluid (from me) out of my hands or a dish from the kitchen. So I figure, I’ll get her a proper dog dish. Well she freaked out on me! Heck I couldn’t even return the doggie dish I was afraid to even look at it!

Keep this in mind. Yes, you learn a lot about somebody after twenty years with them, but there's always room to learn more. I've been with my partner since the Clinton administration and we routinely finish one another's sentences, but when it comes to BDSM-type stuff I still check in now and then to make sure she's okay with stuff.

Honestly, I really do love my wife immensely. I’m not boasting, but I can tell how she is feeling by the way she greets me in the morning or the way she walks. Everyone here is telling me communication is so important. But my wife and I rarely talk about sex except sometimes through sms / text. It has always been like that. Aside from our Christian upbringing and generally “wrong” to talk about sex, I find it weird to talk about it when you’re not in the heat of the moment (having sex).

These conversations do feel weird at first. But they get a lot easier with practice, and in my experience it's really important to be able to talk about this stuff. All the love and good intentions in the world do not make us telepathic.

In a vanilla relationship, there are some fairly standard defaults about sex: people tend to assume that if you're married to somebody, you will be available for sex with your spouse reasonably often (for some value of "reasonably often") and not with everybody else. Certain activities can be assumed to be part of the Standard Package, and others are definitely non-standard, with a few that are grey areas.

If both partners are happy with those standard rules, then you can get away without ever talking about sex. You just stick to the social-standard package deal and you're okay.

But if you want to explore beyond that, BDSM or polyamory or various other ways in which people can depart from the package deal... you don't have that standard model to fall back on. There is so much more potential for catastrophic mismatch of expectations.

Hmmm… no idea there was commercially published BDSM, I assume you can get it through Amazon or something? A bookstore? I’m curious…

Sooooo much, though the quality is very variable. There are non-fiction how-to-s (I think we've had a few threads about BDSM resources before on this forum), there are picture books, there are novels. Overall, most fall into the "escapist fantasy" category, but there are realistic stories too.

*checks watch*

oh look, time for my weekly plug for Stjepan Šejić's "Sunstone" graphic novels. Gorgeously drawn, sexy, funny, and in my experience pretty true to the vibe of BDSM between a couple who care about one another.

Kim, I just know her so well. It is really that simple. I’m always the instigator, the one who tries new (sex) things, buys new toys. When I make a mistake and hit one of her limits, she forgives me. Always.

Forgiveness is an essential part of a healthy long-term relationship, but it's something one needs to avoid leaning on more than necessary. In my book, a prerequisite for forgiveness is contrition, and contrition isn't consistent with the intention to continue doing things that will require forgiveness.

Kim the way I see it, I’ve learned we are actually really kinky in our sex play compared to others. But we don’t share, swing, cuck, group or have multiple partners.

And that's fine. I think a lot of people make the mistake of going into BDSM with the mindset that more is better, that the end goal is to work up to doing all the hardcore things they've seen in porn. But none of that is obligatory. It's fine to decide that one likes this stuff, and not that stuff, and maybe ask me again about that other stuff in a couple of years.

It is hard to explain, but I feel it is through our mutual love and respect for each other that she allows me to do those things to her. I value her efforts and trust so much, that I am determined to show her the same love and respect both in and outside of the bedroom. Then she trusts me more and allows me to even push her hard limits. Then I want to return that love and trust even more and the vicious continues in the RIGHT direction.

You've been together 20 years. It sounds like you intend to be together another 40 or so. It might be worth thinking about how long you can sustain a cycle that involves repeatedly pushing hard limits, and what the end of that cycle looks like.

Human psyches are funny things. Sometimes when one pushes on something uncomfortable, one overcomes the discomfort and expands one's comfort zone. But sometimes, strain accumulates, like an athlete powering their way towards a crippling stress fracture. The fact that she loves you enough to allow this is not necessarily a sign that you should keep on pushing.

 

[seela]

No, it wasn’t. She cried. I feel only her love for me carried her through our first session. It was somewhat scarring for both her and me. I was 100% ready to stop this immediately. I’ve asked her a number of times after that first session if she is willing to continue D/s play. She said it isn’t her favourite sex play but she is willing. I know she is doing this because she knows I like it and she loves me. Bless her heart, truly and deeply.

The point I was trying to make with my question about if it was a wonderful experience for you wife is that you seem to extrapolate your views and feelings of the to be your wife's as well.

In your early post you wrote:

I realize for experts like you, this session would have put you to sleep. But for us it was just the most wonderful experience!

Yet you described her crying and withdrawing from you etc. And afterwards you've written that she only did it to please you. So there's a big juxtaposition there.

It's the juxtapositions like that that make at least me a little weary and question this set up a little. I feel like your wife didn't really have a lot of say in all of this and didn't really know where she was headed, didn't have that great an experience, yet you say it was a wonderful experience for you (plural).

Crying afterwards and doing something just to please your partner is legit and can be a part of bdsm play. I've done both and some of my fondest experiences revolve around those two things. But I think the difference between me in that situation and your wife in that situation is that I knew that it was a part of the game, it wasn't the first time I was doing D/s things.

Once more, communicate. Talk about your (both of you) expectations, don't be so dead set on doing what you think D/s should look like, involve your wife in the process. Fantasize together and figure out where your limits lie before going in and poking at things. When you've been with someone for a long time, you know how to read their body, but it doesn't mean you know everything that goes in their head. So... Talking is good, even though you know her really well.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Yes, I’ve been spanking her for a long time, I didn’t realize it in our first D/s session but spanking is not a punishment at all. It’s erotic pleasure for her. FYI, I tried to get her to spank me, I even made several implements for her to use on me but she doesn’t put effort into it and frankly, it doesn’t hurt.

That was not my biggest worry though. It was the reason for the punishment.
As I said, getting punished when you already tried your best and put yourself out there will not work for everyone.
Think about it. Preferably talk about how she feels about it.
For me it would cause real resentment that would cause relationship issues and I know I’m not alone in feeling that way. Only your wife can tell you how she would feel.

Hello 77fbird400.

I really respect putting your heart and soul out there.

I also respect and echo all the comments above. Sage advice indeed.

This caught my eye, with all due respect > "When I make a mistake and hit one of her limits, she forgives me. Always."

I used to think this, verbatim. I used think my Wife was this infinite well of forgiveness, that I could do no wrong.

I have to warn you... This is not true. No matter how it may appear from your POV (or how much she tells you its "OK"). I've learned this the hard way, and we still bare the scars as a couple.

We are all capable of forgiveness, but memory always persists and can do for a lifetime.

This!

The point I was trying to make with my question about if it was a wonderful experience for you wife is that you seem to extrapolate your views and feelings of the to be your wife's as well.

In your early post you wrote:



Yet you described her crying and withdrawing from you etc. And afterwards you've written that she only did it to please you. So there's a big juxtaposition there.

...

Crying afterwards and doing something just to please your partner is legit and can be a part of bdsm play. I've done both and some of my fondest experiences revolve around those two things. But I think the difference between me in that situation and your wife in that situation is that I knew that it was a part of the game, it wasn't the first time I was doing D/s things.

Once more, communicate. Talk about your (both of you) expectations, don't be so dead set on doing what you think D/s should look like, involve your wife in the process. Fantasize together and figure out where your limits lie before going in and poking at things. When you've been with someone for a long time, you know how to read their body, but it doesn't mean you know everything that goes in their head. So... Talking is good, even though you know her really well.

Yes.