How to Find a Legitimate Dominant?

[_Sin_derella]

How does one find a legitimate Dominant? It seems there are many who pose at it on LIT. Some even go so far as to earn someone's kindness, then use it to their advantage to press for more without developing a foundation. Others take it to another level by using force or intimidation. And, then there are some who think it's ok to use the role to get themselves off, and that is not what I understood the relationship to be. I would love to hear from people who actually understand the D/s dynamic, not those pretending. People who open themselves to this dynamic should not be misled or mistreated, so an individual can be cruel, just for the sake of doing so.

Thanks for the insight you can provide.

 

[IrisAlthea]

How does one find a legitimate Dominant? It seems there are many who pose at it on LIT. Some even go so far as to earn someone's kindness, then use it to their advantage to press for more without developing a foundation. Others take it to another level by using force or intimidation. And, then there are some who think it's ok to use the role to get themselves off, and that is not what I understood the relationship to be. I would love to hear from people who actually understand the D/s dynamic, not those pretending. People who open themselves to this dynamic should not be misled or mistreated, so an individual can be cruel, just for the sake of doing so.

Thanks for the insight you can provide.

I think it is better to ditch the idea of how things should be and how the dynamic should work.
Instead focus on what is, getting to know people and finding out how they think things should work and observing how they actually treat you and others, so you can find someone who is compatible with your views and you as a person.

 

[BiBunny]

Tbh, and I know this is not gonna be a popular opinion, but fuck it: Lit is not really the place to find a Dom/me.

 

[AnnieLit]

I would love to hear from people who actually understand the D/s dynamic, not those pretending.

And how do you know that they are pretending? Just because their idea of D/s does not match your's doesn't mean that their world is any less real. What to you sounds like abuse and being taken advantage of to somebody else might be the humiliation that they crave.

Keep looking, keep trying, and keep communicating. Don't assume anything - ask. When you are asked - give specific answers, not "it is up to you" and secretly hope that he will want the same thing.

Talk to every new guy about you previous experiences and what didn't work there for you, why they are in the past. They need to know your limits, they can't stumble in the dark and figure them out by trial and error.

And keep your eyes open. Will you ever get EVERYTHING that you want? No. But as long as you are getting some part of it and not getting anything that you absolutely don't want, in my book that's enough.

 

[AnnieLit]

Tbh, and I know this is not gonna be a popular opinion, but fuck it: Lit is not really the place to find a Dom/me.

Why not? I did and I know quite a few other very stable couples. I even know a few couples that transitioned to real life from Lit.

 

[BiBunny]

Why not? I did and I know quite a few other very stable couples. I even know a few couples that transitioned to real life from Lit.

Well...I said it wasn't going to be a popular opinion.

I'm just thinking about all the people who constantly whinge about the quality of the pickings on Lit. From what I hear, there's way, way more chaff than wheat.

And, besides, I side-eye online relationships really hard, so maybe I'm the wrong one to ask.

 

[AnnieLit]

Well...I said it wasn't going to be a popular opinion.

I'm just thinking about all the people who constantly whinge about the quality of the pickings on Lit. From what I hear, there's way, way more chaff than wheat.

And, besides, I side-eye online relationships really hard, so maybe I'm the wrong one to ask.

Well, if you are looking for off line then yes, Lit is a very wrong place for that as geography here is crazy. Pickings are slim if one is looking for a female sub and even slimmer if they are looking for a Domme. Male subs are a plenty, and Doms... Believe me, they are here. Don't know if any of them ever answer personal ads, but they are definitely on the boards. Talk to people, get to know them, let them get to know you. Then take the conversation off the boards and see what happens. If one is looking for an online relationship, they need to be able to write. And if they can write, why not do it in public for a while?

 

[_Sin_derella]

Well, if you are looking for off line then yes, Lit is a very wrong place for that as geography here is crazy. Pickings are slim if one is looking for a female sub and even slimmer if they are looking for a Domme. Male subs are a plenty, and Doms... Believe me, they are here. Don't know if any of them ever answer personal ads, but they are definitely on the boards. Talk to people, get to know them, let them get to know you. Then take the conversation off the boards and see what happens. If one is looking for an online relationship, they need to be able to write. And if they can write, why not do it in public for a while?

Those are wonderful suggestions! Thank you!

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

There's fake Dom's everywhere. There's real Dom's everywhere. I met my Daddy Dom here on lit 1.5 years ago. I've encountered fake Dom's for sure.
You need to go with what you need and hopefully the right one will find you.
It may take patience and time.

 

[AnnieLit]

Hi, I'm puddle. This is a good topic. I suppose an online forum might not be the best place to find a Dominant , but I think there are people who could fit the mold of what you might desire in a Dominant who hints at the ability to control, or "dominate".
I think that personality type is inherent in some, as some are self-aware, but some might need an uncovering of sorts.
Maybe I'm too much of an optimist but in the right relationship, where the needs and desires are laid out in the beginning, you can rifle through those who do and those who don't.
Is it possible to find that personality type online? Someone genuine and willing to explore that side of them? I think so..and this type of site, where the "kink" is well accepted and even celebrated, they may very well be here.
I think it's up to the individual to discern if that person is the right person for the job.

The uncovering part - I don't agree with this at all. In a real life relationship yes, everybody has to start from somewhere, including Doms, so there is nothing wrong with exploring together. But with online ... I don't think it will work unless the D side has some real life experience with dominance. Because they need to know what is possible, what is easy and what is hard to do, and that is something that can't be learned from Lit kink stories and porn. There is much less feedback when all you see are letters on a phone screen, and that feedback is crucial in calibrating the kink side of the relationship. That is if we are talking about true dominance, if "topping from the bottom" is fine too, then sure, online will work. But I personally absolutely hate it, I can either dominate or submit, but the mix of both brings no joy at all.

 

[Primalex]

The glass palace walls of LIT encompass the chatters gliding into the chandelier lit room like a good glass of Cabernet.

Really?

You sound like the typical overweight married online submissive, who is pretty bored at home and flees into a text-based fantasy world and scurries away when things become too real, blaming the other person for not having unlimited patience.

 

[cookiecat]

I met my first dominant man online. We were on a different site - similar to this one - it has stories and a forum with different categories but it's all bdsm based. We met in a forum called "fun n games" - similar to the Playground here. We were going back and forth in some thread which led to messaging on the site, then to instant messaging (remember yahoo messaging!?)

After 6 months of messaging, calling, video chatting, we met in person. It was a great relationship because we got to know each other as friends first. Oddly, replying to people in different threads like a music thread, recipes or gardening (there are actually threads like this here in BDSM Cafe), what made you smile, etc -- can help you get to know a person without the bdsm stuff. I think that's important.

As a submissive, I used to feel like I had to be obedient or prove something to the dominant I was talking to. If I asked questions, I would not be submissive. It was confusing. I remember feeling so horny which I confused with intimacy / love.

These feelings were really powerful and generally led me to jumping in feet (or pussy) first without asking too many questions. I learned to slow down and ask questions. I learned to trust my gut. If it felt weird or creepy, I cut things off.

Meeting a potential dominant is no different than meeting a potential vanilla person online, a potential caregiver on a site like care.com, a house cleaner from craig's list or whatever. You have to do your due diligence. Ask questions. Trust your gut. You'd probably check reviews or references for a housecleaner or caregiver. Why not do the same for someone you're handing yourself to!?? Check out his / her profile and replies in other forums. Talk about goals / expectations. Don't do stuff that feels off. It's ok to say no and if they don't accept that and you feel pressured - it's time to leave.

This is a sex site. People are here for a million reasons. Phone sex. Exchanging dirty pics / texts. A few moments away from their real life. Go in to any conversation with eyes wide open. Take your time.

Yes, you can meet a legit dominant online. It's about meeting a legit person.

I met my husband online in a bdsm hook up site!

Real people are out there.

 

[Primalex]

Who are you quoting?

https://forum.literotica.com/members/_sin_derella.6633024/#about

 

[readingmary]

But where is that a sub doesn't get mistreated cause they don't obey every dom. To me, they aren't my Dom, so why should I obey?

Tbh, and I know this is not gonna be a popular opinion, but fuck it: Lit is not really the place to find a Dom/me.

 

[whenagain]

So many subs, so few doms.

 

[LarryTee50]

I experienced a wonderful dom/sub relationship for awhile in the mid 90's. Desiree (not her real name of course) and I would meet late at night at her small apartment due to our lives in the music and art scene in our city. She was very intellectual with solid street savvy and possessed a deliciously plump body.
Though she played the sub, she was my mentor. She was the first woman I ever "tortured" erotically, and I learned so much from her. I understood that my mission was to please her, to give her what she wanted. Later on I also understood the she was true master and I was true slave. Ultimately, If I failed to please her I failed as a dom.
Life went on and we moved on.....to this day we are dear friends.

 

[KatieDoes]

How does one find a legitimate Dominant? It seems there are many who pose at it on LIT. Some even go so far as to earn someone's kindness, then use it to their advantage to press for more without developing a foundation. Others take it to another level by using force or intimidation. And, then there are some who think it's ok to use the role to get themselves off, and that is not what I understood the relationship to be. I would love to hear from people who actually understand the D/s dynamic, not those pretending. People who open themselves to this dynamic should not be misled or mistreated, so an individual can be cruel, just for the sake of doing so.

Thanks for the insight you can provide.

The same way you’d find a legitimate friend. You’ll have more misses than hits. Be patient and selective and only engage with people who you’d genuinely like to hang out with whether or not you are fucking them. Have expectations and boundaries and standards when choosing a Dom similar to what you’d have when deciding whether or not you’d like to befriend someone.

 

[AnnieLit]

The same way you’d find a legitimate friend. You’ll have more misses than hits. Be patient and selective and only engage with people who you’d genuinely like to hang out with whether or not you are fucking them. Have expectations and boundaries and standards when choosing a Dom similar to what you’d have when deciding whether or not you’d like to befriend someone.

Yes and no. It really depends on what type of D/s relationship you are looking for. If you are basically looking for a boyfriend with a dominant side, then yes, sure, friends first, everything else later. But if you are looking for just a fuck buddy with some D/s play mixed in, you don't have to be friends. I had a very satisfying relationship where we were interacting only during the play time, outside of it we had completely separate lives and neither one of us had any interest in mixing everything together.

 

[readingmary]

Yes and no. It really depends on what type of D/s relationship you are looking for. If you are basically looking for a boyfriend with a dominant side, then yes, sure, friends first, everything else later. But if you are looking for just a fuck buddy with some D/s play mixed in, you don't have to be friends. I had a very satisfying relationship where we were interacting only during the play time, outside of it we had completely separate lives and neither one of us had any interest in mixing everything together.

Lucky you, not a casual person so that doesn't work well for me. Already tried.

 

[readingmary]

Speaking as someone who is dominant, I agree with a lot of what has been said on communicating, finding out what you are into and what you want out of a relationship (however you define that term) and being very explicit about your expectations and desires. This is true on both sides, and both people should respect each other's boundaries. And if they don't, then getting the hell out of Dodge.

I know that my kind of dominance will not be for every submissive. And that's ok! But that does not mean that I am in the wrong, it just means it's not a good fit.

So I would suggest being clear and up front with potential Doms about what you want and expect, and if they don't fit that, then move on.

Ooooo "my kind of dominance will not be for every submissive" mmm...lol very true, not everyone's submission is the same as well.

 

[KatieDoes]

Yes and no. It really depends on what type of D/s relationship you are looking for. If you are basically looking for a boyfriend with a dominant side, then yes, sure, friends first, everything else later. But if you are looking for just a fuck buddy with some D/s play mixed in, you don't have to be friends. I had a very satisfying relationship where we were interacting only during the play time, outside of it we had completely separate lives and neither one of us had any interest in mixing everything together.

I don’t necessarily mean like a best friend/boyfriend/full time companion. Just that I have no interest in spending time with people I don’t like or that don’t like me. I don’t need a boyfriend, but I’m also not going to get naked and vulnerable with someone who doesn’t give a shit about my well being.

I think people can be blinded by lust/love/sex and accept treatment that they’d never accept from even a casual friend. If I consistently felt worse about myself after having lunch with a friend, I’d stop having lunch with her. But we sometimes will try to ‘work it out’ with a romantic interest who causes the same effect.

 

[Oldermom935]

In my opinion my d/s relationships have to develope over time. You need to learn your likes,dislikes,pleasures and levels at which things may be a definate no. A d/s relationship has to be mutual it has to be enjoyable by both parties and not on every session but overall. In a d/s relationship at the beginning or as I say the learning phase the sub has the power to voice what there likes and dislikes are. There enjoys and dispises. What they want and expect from the relationship as well as what they forsee giving to the relationship. The dating relationship will decide if there is a strong enough bond to go further or walk away. The domme should also inform the sub as to what she/he wants and expects from the relationship and the sub as well as what there contribution to the relationship will be. It has to be an ongoing ever evolving relationship to keep it going. Contributed to by both and shared by both. Making the bond stronger and stronger.

 

[Yesok1]

Lit is the wrong place IMHO.

if it's real life, find a bdsm munch near you, make friends and talk. See what develops, go to several. It's not something that one can just fall into.

Other than that communicate with your partner and develop a mutual interest and play. With a partner it's more intimate and erotic as you find how their mind works.

 

[cowboyup6977]

In my opinion my d/s relationships have to develope over time. You need to learn your likes,dislikes,pleasures and levels at which things may be a definate no. A d/s relationship has to be mutual it has to be enjoyable by both parties and not on every session but overall. In a d/s relationship at the beginning or as I say the learning phase the sub has the power to voice what there likes and dislikes are. There enjoys and dispises. What they want and expect from the relationship as well as what they forsee giving to the relationship. The dating relationship will decide if there is a strong enough bond to go further or walk away. The domme should also inform the sub as to what she/he wants and expects from the relationship and the sub as well as what there contribution to the relationship will be. It has to be an ongoing ever evolving relationship to keep it going. Contributed to by both and shared by both. Making the bond stronger and stronger.

It didn’t take long for you to show me the way R

 

[Oldermom935]

It didn’t take long for you to show me the way R

Baby you deserved every bit of it.