Extramarital Affairs in Women.

[LexiSmiles92]

My story - been married a long time. my wife is the one who cheated on me. The story:

We started swinging about 15 yrs ago. My wife is a true 9+ and gets a ton of attention. Swinging became a integral part of our lives for quite a time. I had some fantastic encounters with women that I thought were well above my looks. All in all we had a blast and became good friends with few fun couples which we have kept in contact with. after being in the lifestyle for a few years My wife started getting jealous of a few of the women I had warmed up to so we stopped cold which was difficult. She accused me of cheating with one of the wives. Although I wanted to I didn’t. She didn’t believe me and ended up putting a bit of an emotional wall up. We remained married cause we had kids but the closeness of lifestyle fun was gone. I couldn’t get her to realize it was in her head but that is a consequence of swinging

Anyway, overtime she still thinks I am screwing around without basis and decides to get a boyfriend. she hooks up with one of the husbands we played with and develops a relationship. due to her job and required travel I didn't suspect a thing - it goes on for years. Then in 2019 she drops a bomb that she wants to have an open relationship - never mentions this guy but i believe she figures this is a way she can now cheat in the open. I had no idea she was cheating but i was suspicious. After about 8 months in this “open relationship” we’re both going out on dates and then she decides we should stop. Anyway, 3 months after that I got into her phone and figured out she had been cheating. Confronted her and the truth came out. I was blown away. Its been 4 years of rebuilding trust and had several heart to heart converstions. Now she realizes I never cheated on her.

Essentially, she thought I was cheating and felt neglected. Decided to cheat

That broke my heart. I’m sorry you endured that

 

[JR284]

It's so interesting to read different perspectives on this topic. I used to think that infidelity was primarily something that men did. Over the years though, I've come to realize that although probably not as prevalent, women certainly do their fair share of cheating. Personally, I do see a difference between emotional cheating, and just pure carnal desire. Of course, I'm a bit biased on the topic because I find infidelity driven by raw desire to be exciting. And, I've experienced it as the partner to a cheating girlfriend/wife.

I discovered that my wife, girlfriend at the time, had been cheating on me a couple of years into our relationship. I did find it incredibly arousing; however, a big reason why I found it arousing and not hurtful was because it was just hookups and it was three different guys. It wasn't a long-standing affair that she had nor did she have any kind of exchange that indicated and emotional connection with any of them. Strangely, the fact that she cheated on me with multiple men is what made it palatable to me. Had she been cheating with just one guy, and carrying on a deep meaningful relationship, I certainly would have ended things at the time. In the case of my wife, she's always had an extremely strong sex drive. She's someone who likes to live in the moment and simply gives into desire.

Someone mentioned, that if you have that type of personality, then you shouldn't enter a monogamous relationship to begin with. While I can certainly understand the logic behind that statement, I also understand that someone like my wife genuinely enjoys being in a relationship, and has always loved me deeply. To someone like her, sex and love are genuinely to very independent components. She didn't get into a relationship with me with the intention of not being faithful. She simply just gave into her desires.

 

[LexiSmiles92]

That sounds very much like ... me,

 

[LMWM321]

I do see a difference between emotional cheating, and just pure carnal desire. Of course, I'm a bit biased on the topic because I find infidelity driven by raw desire to be exciting.

Someone mentioned, that if you have that type of personality, then you shouldn't enter a monogamous relationship to begin with.

As to your first point, I feel the same. If I came home unexpectedly, saw the UPS truck out front, walked into our bedroom and saw my wife fucking the guy, I'd laugh, say something like, "don't mind me, please carry on!" then high-five both of them when they came downstairs. I'd be so happy my wife did something so scandalous that brought her joy. Why wouldn't I mind? Because I'm pretty goddamn certain my wife isn't leaving me for the UPS guy.

But if I went to a nice steakhouse downtown with college buddies and saw my wife - who said she was going out with girlfriends - sitting with a guy, holding hands laughing, smiling, kissing... I'd be absolutely devastated.

Catching my wife in the midst of a romantic affair has always bothered me and always will. But the idea of her fucking the UPS guy started seeming quite harmless to me, maybe even a fun notion, after about 25 years of marriage.

The point being (and regarding the second quote): The interest in non-monogamy may arrive much later in a relationship. Personally, I had no idea when I married my wife I would one day be OK with her having NSA sex with a stranger, or that I'd be interested in it myself. I guess it's because as time passes, a couple becomes more confident in the permanence of their union. After 30 years of being together, I know my wife isn't leaving me for the UPS guy just because he made her cum harder - which probably happened only because he wasn't ME, he was someone new, a stranger. To me, her fucking the UPS guy, or any other NSA sex, poses no threat to our marriage - so why should I disallow it or resent her for wanting it? I love her and want her to wring all the joy she can from life. We're only here a very short while.

 

[SlutAddicted]

The first time my wife fucked another guy she was cheating on me. It was a betrayal and I was hurt. But there was context in terms of our relationship and I could see that it was just a moment of weakness/temptation. She dealt with it in a straight forward manner and we ultimately ended up trying an open marriage before landing on our current hotwife/cuckold lifestyle.

That wasn't the first time someone cheated on me. Maybe it is something about me. However, I have also always been attracted to highly sexual women and I think those women were just not cut-out for monogamy. And those relationships happened before it was considered acceptable to be non-monogamous. I remember the first girl I dated who was explicit that she would not be monogamous. It was a bit of a relief. But I also wasn't yet open to understanding what that indicated about me.

 

[Escierto]

I definitely think there is a selection process among men and women choosing mates who are compatible in terms of sexual exclusivity.

 

[policywank]

The first time my wife fucked another guy she was cheating on me. It was a betrayal and I was hurt. But there was context in terms of our relationship and I could see that it was just a moment of weakness/temptation. She dealt with it in a straight forward manner and we ultimately ended up trying an open marriage before landing on our current hotwife/cuckold lifestyle.

That wasn't the first time someone cheated on me. Maybe it is something about me. However, I have also always been attracted to highly sexual women and I think those women were just not cut-out for monogamy. And those relationships happened before it was considered acceptable to be non-monogamous. I remember the first girl I dated who was explicit that she would not be monogamous. It was a bit of a relief. But I also wasn't yet open to understanding what that indicated about me.

Interesting perspective. As I have noted before I don't know if there is a good excuse for cheating. But in a world where people generally disapprove of non-monogamy, especially among women, I think it is fair to say that those of us who don't want to be monogamous are at a distinct disadvantage.

When I was growing up it wasn't just a matter of being clear on where you stand. A woman who chose to be non-monogamous and sexually adventurous was met with very harsh judgment. Being deemed a promiscuous slut - even if open and honest about it - was arguably no better than being a cheater. And in some ways an unhappy wife who keeps her affair(s) discrete might be more accepted than a slut. So all roads seemingly led towards being compelled to resists one's sexual temptation. And when we consider how some people may have a much higher sex drive and greater sexual opportunity it seems a bit unfair to be as harshly critical as we can be sometimes.

 

[Escierto]

I cheated on my husband and while I did have a lot of guilt around it I also am comfortable in the fact that I did everything I could possibly do to address things with my husband before ultimately doing it

By no means do I want this to sound like that absolves me of wrongdoing, it doesn’t. But I do take a little comfort in that.

I am an old man and over the years there is one thing I have learned. Most people are living life doing the best they can.

 

[LexiSmiles92]

I cheated on my husband and while I did have a lot of guilt around it I also am comfortable in the fact that I did everything I could possibly do to address things with my husband before ultimately doing it

By no means do I want this to sound like that absolves me of wrongdoing, it doesn’t. But I do take a little comfort in that.

Wasn't sure which "like" to put there ... so went with the general "thumbs up". But I feel some kinship with your stuff .

I had a brief affair ... hate that I did. But I did. And it led to some "honest talk" which led to some "vulnerable evaluations assessments whatever" of needs/types, etc which led to some defining of values blah blah blah. It was a process lol. But through it all we've landed fully in a marriage that is as happy/fulfiling/fun/insert blahs

Not excusing bad, "shouldn't have acted too rashly" behavior ... good came of it. (None of that meant as a recommendation)

(Oh, and I use too many quotation marks, parenthesis, blahs ... I write like I talk). Yeah ... I use air quotes too lol

 

[policywank]

None of it led to any improvements in my marriage. I am now going through the process of filing for a divorce after working hard at it for the past 5 years with little to no reciprocation from him. It sucks, but unfortunately this is the end result for us

Well at least it hopefully the end point is an improvement in your situation, even if the path is somewhat painful.

 

[LexiSmiles92]

None of it led to any improvements in my marriage. I am now going through the process of filing for a divorce after working hard at it for the past 5 years with little to no reciprocation from him. It sucks, but unfortunately this is the end result for us

I'm sorry. Truly. I will close my eyes real tight and hope for all the good that may come!!

 

[pace_purr]

We were a part of the swinging lifestyle for around thirty years some people would consider that cheating however we both agreed to it, both enjoyed it and never did anything behind each others back and we are still together after 57 years which is more than can be said for a lot of couples who are monogamous.

 

[newhere2learn]

Hey everyone,

I've been thinking about relationships lately and wanted to open up a discussion. What are your thoughts on the topic of infidelity? I'm curious to hear about your experiences and what you think might lead a woman to engage in an extramarital affair? No judgment here, just interested in hearing different perspectives.

I've been dating for over 20years, been married, and had flings. In that time, I've had two long term GF cheat on me. My wife was serially cheating. And my current GF cheated on her fiancé with me, unbeknownst to me.

In all honesty I have two theories;

Theory #1
Monogamy is dead, the idea that we (humans) settle for one person for life, with how the world moves at pace nowadays... Is defunct. Whether at work, socially, travel, sexually, empowerment?

Humans now want it all. The world is a smartphone and credit card away. Is anything off limits nowadays?

As the world shrinks, travel and the internet/global connectivity saw to that - is anything aside from the hard rules, really taboo?

As such monogamy fails to fit.

Theory #2
Disclaimer: this one is based on UK only, so geographic variations may apply.

In the UK, for the last ten to twenty years women have been told by media, each other etc they can have it all. They can have:

* Job
* Kids
* Equal pay
* Two foreign holidays a year
* Relatively new decent apex luxury car

Doesn't matter if they've the financial earnings for it, because you deserve it babes.

What you see more and more of nowadays is women "outgrowing" their male partner. Or their male partner, fails to be useful anymore. Whether that's he fails to carry on earning more, or isn't as good with kids as once was. Or whatever.

Add in social media, jealousy and temptation and suddenly they've an inbox full of men telling them;

"You're beautiful"
"You deserve better"
"I'd not treat you like that"
"I'd take you all over the world"

This isn't women's fault solely, not men's. It's society and temptation. And in some respects refers back to my first theory above.

(See above)


Add in cheating/affairs becoming almost normalised, and it's now almost become a case of "whoops, we'll try again".


Or, there's what are know around here as serial shaggers. These are the women who every 3-5years meet a new man, and have him ready to move in as the prior one is packing his bags and leaving.


The final thing in the UK, is that family law (child access, divorce courts, financials) HUGELY BENEFIT the woman.

The courts are so inversely biased against men, that the woman can pretty much have an affair, empty the bank account, sit in the family home..refuse to leave. Move her new man in. And then leave her ex paying 50% while in his friends spare room.

Again, this is things I've experienced myself and in work/socially around me.


With there being little consequences for the woman, what's stopping them?

My ex wife for instance has averaged one to two men a year since I threw her out, and had another child.

She's now financially catered for between her various child fathers, work, benefits as "single mum".

I realise none of the above is citationed or kink based, but it gives anecdotal feedback.

 

[Cobra6813]

That broke my heart. I’m sorry you endured that

Thanks Lexi, I appreciate it

Since we were swingers for a long period of time prior to her cheating, it made it a bit easier for me to accept and move forward. It took me a long time to trust her and she more than accomodating. Seh was upfront and open everytime she left the house. I also have full access to her phone anytime. All of this helped rebuild a level of trust so we could continue

I would like her to talk about details of her affair more but she is very reluctant. She wants to forget about it because she is embarrassed and doesn’t want to hurt me any further. I’d like to hear a lot more so I can better understand the whole thing and see if there is something I need to be doing. Maybe there is some positive we can get out of it since I feel like she was living a double life for a time that I don’t know much about