Dear X,

[SweetErika]

Dear Jackass Boss,

FUCK YOU for accusing him of slacking off. I'm here, and I'm watching him do several peoples' jobs, never slacking off, never even relaxing because he's so worried about doing a good job for your company.

FUCK YOU for telling him to do something, then yelling at him and slinging accusations when he does it, but you screw up, or shit just happens. He's following your orders and using his best judgment (which is damn good), just like you told him to. You have no right to blame him for doing just that, or your screwups.

FUCK YOU for saying he "wouldn't have made these mistakes last year."

First of all, he very rarely makes mistakes. He certainly makes far fewer than you do.

Second, you usually see his oversights because, unlike all of your other previous and current employees, he doesn't lie to you and put covering his own ass first. Do you know you are pushing him to sacrifice his integrity, to lie to you, to avoid the verbal abuse? Would you really rather employ a self-serving liar over a loyal, honest, hard-worker?

And have you ever stopped to think he might be making a few more small errors because he's exhausted and burning out? He's been running on fewer than 6 hours sleep every night since April, and he's only had a few days off since then. He's slept in his own bed for four whole nights in the past three months, and he's been away from everyone and just about everything he loves for months. He's always "on," always waiting for your calls and always jumping at your demands because he's a good worker and he still believes you're going to keep your promises of compensating him properly in the near future. He wasn't so jaded and burned out last year, but he's still making far fewer mistakes than he did then. And the mistakes he does make are small and very quickly forgotten.

FUCK YOU for accusing me of being a distraction. I'm not here for fun, I'm here to support my husband and relationship. I get him things, do his laundry, help him take better care of himself and help him work. He does a better job and makes fewer oversights because I'm with him. He works more for you because he doesn't have to come home to me and isn't distracted by our distance. Trust me, you don't want to push this issue or play chicken with it. He's not going to sacrifice his marriage for your shitty job.

FUCK YOU for not valuing your employees' families and personal lives. Just because you have a shitty relationship with your wife and daughter (through every fault of your own), doesn't mean family and fun isn't an integral part of your employees' lives. I wouldn't be surprised if you were pleased about your employees getting divorces and limited custody arrangements and being childless. I bet you think that'd make them work harder and stay with your crappy company longer. Shame on you for not understanding better relationships at home make for better employees. Shame on you for not doing everything you can to make sure your people get as much quality time as possible with their loved ones.

FUCK YOU for the frequent verbal abuse and withholding the recognition and positive reinforcement he needs and deserves. You're an unprofessional, untrained, out-of-control ass. You can't even manage your own anger or mouth, much less your employees. You blame everyone else for your problems and mistakes. You never ask for their side of the story or look for the truth. Do you even remember the last time you told someone you appreciated their hard work or they did a good job?

But please feel free to push it a little further. Just a little more abuse, and he'll walk right out the door, into a much better job and company than you could ever offer. He has everything any company would be incredibly lucky to have, and it'll be oh so rich to think of you floundering without him, unable to find anyone as good as he is for a long time to come. Go ahead, you little bastard!


Very sincerely,

Your Best-Employee-Ever's Wife

 

[bailadora]

Dear Sweet E:

I totally understand about jackass bosses. There was many a time when I wanted to rip my husband's ex-boss a new one. I bit my tongue instead. Hugs and strength to you both.

B

 

[WriterDom]

Dear bailadora,

Nice legs!

 

[bailadora]

Dear Writer Dom:

Thank you kindly!

 

[bailadora]

Dear X, Y, and Z:

The very least you could have done was to show up for the service today, given the fact he was your father. But I guess since you can't mooch off of him anymore, none of you could be bothered. For all your bitching and moaning about wanting to be included, all three of you showed your true colors today. You know what? As much as we are going to miss him, I'm glad he's in a place where none of you can abuse his love and generosity ever again.

 

[CWatson]

Dear Self,

This whole "waking up at 5 AM for no reason" thing you've done for the past two nights is getting extremely old, extremely fast. You should know by now that, for us, "how much sleep did you get last night" is calculated by recentness, meaning that a 6-hour chunk followed by a 2-hour chunk is... Two hours of sleep. So please cut out this 5-AM wake-up stuff before I have to take drastic measures, like a hammer to the forebrain. As your forebrain is my forebrain, I do not particularly look forward to taking this measure, but I will if I have to. Some things are more important than non-dented crania.

no love,
~me


- - - - - - - - - -



To L,

I hope you haven't noticed that I actually kind of have a thing for you.

I hope you haven't noticed this because you are already dating someone else--you've been seeing him for almost as long as I've known you, and that's seven years. Furthermore, every time I get into this kind of unrequited love, I end up creeping out the beloved to the point that she never wants to speak to me ever again. I'd kind of like to stop doing that; even more, I'd kind of like you to be the person I stop doing it for. Fourth time's the charm and all that.

Ideally, you would dump him. I doubt you will, because five years is a long time, four years of long-distance is even longer, and there must be something holding you two together even if I don't know what it is. (Which I don't, and never will. Only three people know the truth about what goes on in your relationship with J--you, J, and God. And you or J might be behind the times.) Besides, I'd feel bad for J. I like him. He and I have only been friends for a year, but aside from his smelly socks and history of WoW addiction, I think he's pretty cool. (And since we're all three of us gamers, WoW addiction is arguably a selling point.) But what I hear from you is that he simply doesn't know how to relate to your particular style of emotions... And, eventually, you'll need to decide whether you're okay with that. Can you actually marry him?--understanding that he will never be there when you need him most, understanding that he can't be there when you need him most? Can you live with that? If so, I wish you many years together, and hopefully happy ones as well. But, kiddo, you're even more insecure than I am. Even if you tried (and we all know you're trying), I don't think you could stand to be with someone who is as insensitive to you as you find him to be.

There's no shame in this. There's no shame in being incompatible with him on an important and fundamental level. That's what dating's for. And since it's been LDR for so long, there's no shame in not knowing this yet either. (Though, by what you've said and posted, these things have been cropping up regardless.) For that matter, I certainly can't guarantee that we are compatible, you and I--I know that I understand your insecurity a lot better than he does, but the rest of it (and there's a lot of it) will stay up in the air until / unless we ever get together. I can only say that I want to be good for you, which (between the two of us) may be more than can be said for J.

But, of course, I can't say any of this to you. Part of that is because, if I do, I turn into the creepy-homewrecker-stalker-guy, and we've already established just how big a no-no that is. Part of it is because it's not my place to tell you what I see, not unless you ask--and heaven knows when (if!) you will. Part of it is because I can't stay impartial here. I love you. I respect your boyfriend immensely, and value him as a friend, but I have an agenda here and I know it. And finally, if this happens, I would want to do it right--to let you break up with him naturally and then give you time and then say something to you when you feel ready to move on. I don't want to incite J's emnity, and I don't want to be the shelter whom (as it turns out) you only liked because I was a better alternative to him. I don't want any of us to burn bridges, if that's possible.

And that's why I kick myself every time I say something that might tip my hand. And that's why it freaks me out that, every time I do, you sound as if you might like me back. There's a right way to go about this, and this isn't it. And yet, the more hopeful and curious I get...

I love you. I hope that one day I can say that openly and without any strings attached. But if not, then that's that: I love you, and that means I support whatever you decide is best for yourself. No matter how little I might like it.

(Funny how "nice guy" isn't really a compliment, né?)

sincerely,
~me

 

[bailadora]

Dear X, Y and Z:

I don't know why, but the degree to which the three of you are so self centered never ceases to amaze me. The woman in that hospital is your grandmother as well as mine. She's been there nearly two weeks and yet none of you have bothered to call, let alone visit her. Funny how you are around when she has something for either you or your kids but you can't be bothered to pay her any attention when the chips are down.

And have you even spared a thought for our grandfather? Called to check to see how's he's doing? Does he have enough food? Is there anything you can do for him? Perhaps take over the driving because you know being out after dark makes him nervous? Of course not. Spare me your excuses because I don't want to hear them. X - I have the same number of kids to attend to as you do, so don't even go there. Z - you have 1 kid AND you have a live in sitter in the form of your mother. Y - YOUR kids don't even live in the same damn state, so you have no fucking leg to stand on. Yes - we all have responsibilities, but can you not spare even a half hour to call, let alone visit? Do you think they will be around forever? They are in their 80's, FFS! Don't you realize how fucking blessed we are to still have them around?

You miserable shits. When they are gone, don't you DARE cry in front of me and say, "I wish I had...." because I will BLAST you and I won't give a shit who the hell is around. You have been warned.

 

[CWatson]

Dear L,

I'm really happy that your 48-hour break-up is over. I'm really happy that you and J got back together.

At least, that's what I'll keep saying. Hopefully, saying it enough will make it true.

~C

 

[bluebell]

Dear ghost cookie that says "Boo" in black icing,

Your mouth is obscene.

- Bluebell

 

[VFaulkon]

Dear Friends:

Y'know, you CAN call me first once in a while. I mean, you've said you like hanging out with me and talking to me, you know I'm dealing with a lot of personal shit right now, and it'd be nice if maybe, juuuuuuuuuust maybe, you take the initiative and show you're at least a little concerned about me.

Yes. I understand you're busy and you've got your own shit to deal with. I get that. And I don't mind calling you guys. But I do it because I care about you, I'm concerned at times, but mostly I just like talking to you too. Maybe a little reciprocation is in order? I mean, if you have the time to upload stuff on Facebook, talk to your other friends, etc., a less-than-five-minute phone conversation or IM chat just to say 'hey' can't be THAT hard.

I mean, you *know* I have trust issues with my friends, which does include you, and I'm constantly fighting off thoughts of 'maybe they really can't stand me' or 'maybe they're sick of me'. You know this. And while I am working on it, showing you give a shit, even a little, would give me a little more ammo to fight off my own issues.

You guys have been great to me, and I'm grateful in a way I really can't properly express. I love you guys. But come the fuck on!


Wishing his phone was more than just a paperweight,
VFaulkon

------------

My dear charming mother:

No, I'm not going to grad school.

Yes, I'll look for a job and an internship so I'm ready for when I'm out of college.

No, I'm not going to tell you every damn detail.

Because it's not your business, that's why.

No, I'm not going to grad school!

I'm sorry you're so worried that I can't handle my own business that you freak out if I don't call every week, but once I'm out on my own I'm not going to constantly update you on my life.

I know you've worked really hard to raise me without Dad, and my sister's been no help at all (believe me, I hear ya there). You did a great job providing for me. But stop pressuring me to do all this shit and let me figure it out on my own. I don't want to become one of those 30-somethings that can't make a financial decision without calling Mommy 'cause I never figured this stuff out on my own.

No, dammit, I'm not going to grad school!

I'm sorry Grandma fucked you up as a kid. She does need help, but she won't take it. She's a miserable woman, and she wants to drag us down with her, and you can't just cut her off 'cause she's your mother. I understand. But you don't need to 'protect' me from her. I'll deal with Grandma in my own way. Same with my father.

Yes, I love you. You've done so much for me. Just stop trying so damn hard! And maybe just put a foot up my sister's ass once in awhile. She really needs it.

NO. I'M. NOT. GOING. TO. GRAD. SCHOOL. STOP. ASKING.


Your loving, yet frustrated-as-hell son,
VFaulkon

------------

Dear eX-boss;

Calm the fuck down. You have a stressful job, I can only imagine. I sympathize, I do. But that was my first job ever, and things were really chaotic at home. I told you about my time needs when you 'interviewed' me, you knew I was taking classes, so why are you blaming me for being difficult? You knew it, and you still hired me, so deal with it!

And I'm sorry I had to take one sick day three weeks in. But I was working with food. If you wanted me to come in sick, start touchin' the deli meats and chicken fingers and spread my pestilence amongst the customers, that's your business. I just assuming you didn't want to get sued by someone who had a diseased ham sandwich.

I will thank you for showing me why so many people hate their bosses. If you're par for the course, I fucking get it now. Grazie.


Waiting to hear of your imminent coronary,
VFaulkon

-----------------

Dear November,

Pleeeeeeeease get here soon. I'm so fucking sick of all this election coverage. Just pick our near-powerless figurehead leader who will inevitably fail to live up to our expectations and move on.


Wanting more celebrity news (j/k),
VFaulkon

 

[CWatson]

Dear X,

If you're wondering why I don't seem to respect you, I can explain it very simply:

There's no 'seem' about it. I don't respect you.

And it's because you don't respect us. Not enough to take responsibility for your things and possessions. "But I was out of the house! How is it my business where my stuff gets?" "But I don't like spiders! That makes it okay for me to not grab the cat when she's attacking one! I mean, it's pathological!" "But I have a job! I shouldn't have to worry about all the tiny little details of, like, keeping our tenant happy and answering problems and paying the bills on time!"

Whatever. Excuses are like assholes: everyone has them, they all smell, and they all start with a "But".

None of them hold any water in Real Life. And while I am a Psych major and have great respect for the human mind, I don't respect yours because you don't use it. The brain is the one computer in existence that can reprogram itself. Eventually you get up your willpower and your gumption and you force yourself to do it. That's what grown-ups do. They don't let their limitations stop them. They know that life goes on. They know that, in the end, their feelings don't matter: nobody gives a flying fuck that they've had a bad day, that they just got back from a vacation, that they had to spend three hours doing twelve separate surgical operations on a piece of sheet music so that twelve different people could sing it. Our feelings don't matter. Real Life doesn't wait for us to be in a good mood. Either you pick yourself up out of the dust and keep going... Or you sit and cry about it, like the child you are, and I keep losing the few bits of respect you've managed to earn.

Get over yourself. Your feelings don't matter. There are more important things than brain chemistry; I say this as a psych major, as a sufferer of depression, as a victim of ADHD. You're 23 years old. Act it.

no love,
your brother.

 

[mark_j]

Dear X

I used to fret and rack my brain
and really wonder "why"
but as of late, the sentiment
is just fuck off and die..

 

[bailadora]

Dear Self:

Stop being so chicken shit. It's just a lecture. You can do this....

~Me~

 

[Sleazy19]

Dear Me,

Stop being such a baby and get used to the fact that you have to wake up at 4:30 am every Saturday and work until 4:00 pm.

Now go to sleep! And stop thinking about tomorrow's classes, improvise like you've done before....you don't have to be a perfect teacher all the time.....

I can't wait for November 15 to come....when this nightmare will be over!
ONLY 4 MORE SATURDAYS UNTIL I'M DONE!

Love,

Me!

 

[Kikori]

Dear bai,

In every family, there is always one person who is different. Whether this is great or not, it's unknown. However, it's safe to say that you are the 'good' different. Don't ever change; your views are the good kind of uncommon and your morals are in the right place. Don't let being a good person hold you back from letting go and setting things right with anyone who makes anything wrong. The kindest people hold back for different reasons while deserving the most to reach out and do or take what is needed; don't let fear or regret stop you from trying what you know is right, which it probably is.

~Jeff

 

[pretty_green_eyes]

Dear X -

You have NO IDEA how thrilled I am that your friends live over 1,000 miles away. Seeing them once every few years is MORE than enough for me.

And if you all stop treating R like a fucking child, maybe she'll begin to act like an adult. The next time someone pukes on me, it had better be my child, and not a 24 year old spoiled brat.

Enjoy your nap.

xoxoxo

 

[Eilan]

Dear Eilan's Mind,

Please stop reliving those 11 days every night at bedtime. It won't change anything.

Love,

Me

--------------

Dear X,

I wish I hadn't sent you that email, even though what I said was honest and truthful. Like I said, at least you and the rest of the gang will have something to talk about the next time you make plans without me. I know I'm being/have been a crappy friend, but I don't have the time or energy to change that right now.

Love,

Eilan

 

[DarkBee]

Self-therapy! Cool!

Dear mind,

get yourself straight and actually command my body to do useful stuff, like seeing a doctor and a dentist, cleaning your room and the rest of the house, get a higher-paid job, call or IM your friends, etc. etc. ad infinitum.

Yours,
Bee


Dear parents,

thank you for raising me the way you did, without abuse and pain, with a decent set of morals and intelligence, without a chip on my shoulder.
Love you eternally,

your son.


Dear cousin of my landlord currently living in the same house,

get a fucking life! Get a job, get a girlfriend, stop smoking (in the livingroom at least), and find a house dammit! Your presence is really annoying, even though you clean up more than I do.

Bee

 

[Treasured]

Dear X,

When it's quiet I hear your voice. Two months has passed since we first met and everyday I cherish every second I get as it's my last. Thank you for your wonderful friendship.

 

[DarkBee]

Dear girls from Ghana with whom I work,

I want to fuck you all! Preferably all at once

Bee

 

[LegsApart]

Dear Friend,

I miss you...
It breaks my heart to know that u won't be there when I come home next year.

E

 

[Eilan]

To the woman at the steakhouse:

Although I respect your right to wear whatever you want, I think your "Designated Hottie" t-shirt would have been more appropriate if you were, well, hot. Or at least had some of your teeth.

Eilan

 

[Windflower]

M,

I miss you already.

 

[AnitaMann]

dear...

Dear Jen - really? Is this how it's going to be? You have tried to make me feel bad about myself for years. I never believed it, but I finally have the courage to cut all ties. I don't need you in my life. Keep your negativity, and your pathetic attempts to win back my friendship to yourself. I'm done. Really done.
That is all.

 

[VFaulkon]

Dear Camelia,

I feel...not bad exactly, but uncomfortable saying this, but...I don't think we're meant to be good friends.

I want to be - you are a nice girl, strong-willed, and you like me, which frankly I'm still a little puzzled on - but I think we met at the wrong time. As much shit as you've been through, you're still always on the defensive with everyone...even me, who hasn't done anything to offend you to my knowledge.

I offer to treat you to lunch. You ask why, and end up criticizing me for 'insisting' (I only asked once if you were sure - that's standard politeness in my book). I tell you why I don't vote. You take my explanation as a personal attack, and end up attacking me in turn - and aiming low. You still bitch about guys you meet and talk to for one night not meeting your standards. You can't take two hours out of your busy schedule to hang out with me and watch a movie even once - no one your age should be that booked-up, and I stand by that.

You just take things so seriously, and are so stuck on yourself and showing off your strength you don't even notice offending other people. No, you're not supposed to care what other people think, but there's a little thing called TACT - you do your best to be strong and self-assertive without shoving everyone out of your way. And you want to work in a diplomatic position after college?!

I feel bad saying this, but...I think you're showing your age too much. You don't have to be the invincible do-it-yourself supergirl all the time! Relax, lower your guard just a tiny bit, at least for your friends, and realize that you don't have to be super-involved, get straight As and not take shit from anybody to be happy. 'cause I hate to break it to you, but...well, shit's gonna come, and sometimes you're going to have to learn that sometimes you aren't right, and sometimes you are but it doesn't change anything.

Life is unfair, and no amount of sheer bravado is going to fix that. Learn to roll with the punches, or life's just gonna beat the shit outta you. And you deserve better than that.

And who knows? Maybe, if you grow up a little bit and learn to be more vulnerable, you might find it's easier to be happy than you think.


Sorry I got there before you.


--------
Dear Me,

You have a seven-page research paper due in 13 hours, and you haven't started. MOVE IT, DUMBASS!

Signed,
-Me