Bard's Review Thread: My $0.02 on your stories

[Sammael Bard]

A bit of delay here

With an insect sting at the back of my thigh, I've been bed-ridden for the past 3 days. I'll get back into my reviewing (read nose poking) business tomorrow.

Those who have requested for my review will be notified by a small PM from this guy. Till then, kick back your feet and relax. Let this guy do the job.

First up on my list are The Missing Dragon Ch. 02 and Ch. 03 by Lien_Geller.

Cheers.

 

[HeyAll]

Hello,

I wrote two stories about ambitious young women who become "office sluts" in a sense. They're both inspired by one of my favorites stories, which unfortunately have been taken down by the author.

Anyway, just out of curiosity, can you tell me which one you think is better?

Both stories have low scores, but have more votes/favorites than other stories in their respective categories.

Personally, I love both of them very much. I think they're both great, even though readers may not agree.

Let me know what you think.

Corporate Whore: 3 pages

http://www.literotica.com/s/corporate-whore-1

The Office Slut: 2 pages

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-office-slut-4

 

[Sammael Bard]

Hello,

I wrote two stories about ambitious young women who become "office sluts" in a sense. They're both inspired by one of my favorites stories, which unfortunately have been taken down by the author.

Anyway, just out of curiosity, can you tell me which one you think is better?

Both stories have low scores, but have more votes/favorites than other stories in their respective categories.

Personally, I love both of them very much. I think they're both great, even though readers may not agree.

Let me know what you think.

Corporate Whore: 3 pages

http://www.literotica.com/s/corporate-whore-1

The Office Slut: 2 pages

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-office-slut-4

It'll take some time but I'd love to provide feedback for your story.

 

[Sammael Bard]

My Review for The Missing Dragon Ch. 02 by Lien_Geller

DISCLAIMER: These are my views alone. I never harbor any personal grudge against anyone while doing my reviews. I try to be neutral and clinical. The thoughts of this dumbass are his alone and might not be shared by everyone.

Okay, so today is a fine day and I'm in a grumpy mood. So be forewarned, I'll be rambling.

Sample the first few lines:

" To his left, he felt the soft peachy bottom of Janette Riley and gave the supple...

" Wrapped up in his right arm with her own arm resting across his chest and her leg...

" Every part of her was strong and lithe with long beautifully toned legs, a tight round bottom, a trim waist and gorgeous generously proportioned breasts...and so on."

Is this a news report from the Playboy Mansion?

Despite the eroticism that you try to create here, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It sounds like the beginnings of a cheap and sleazy porn video (maybe not sleazy) but if you want the story to have some gravity to it, make the beginings better than that.

The appearance of a cloaked figure gives a much needed kickstart to your second chapter. It was a much needed jump in the excitement level of the readers. Good job!

I really hate these lines and these are a personal hate of mine:

" Unbeknownst to Gregory, keeping her eyes on his face was taking quite a good bit of effort from the woman...."

"He had this. He had that. The woman saw this. The woman saw that."

Many authors in their attempt to create an image of their protagonist in their reader's head manage to suck monumentally. Paragraphs after paragraphs are dedicated to the description of our Adonis.

It isn't lacking in the sense of description material, it has done a very good job there. In fact, it feels a bit too much. It follows the philosophy of:

"Hero can't brag about himself, he'll sound arrogant. Let the other characters sing hymns in his praises."

A win-win situation, Senor?

Wrong!

It bores me to death when I read such lines. I don't know what other readers will think about it, but this fella speaks for himself.

Now you enter Talina, and these are my thoughts as I read about her now and a long time ago, last year I mean:

Forget Algra. Fuck Janette.

Talina is, without a doubt, the sexiest woman in the Missing dragon series.

It's in the way you describe her. It's the way she acts and the little bit of mystery that you leave in her character.

Smart. Beautiful. Deviantly naughty. Makes me want to grab her and....whatever, I hope you get my drift.

Up ahead, that scene where Greg takes a Gung-Ho attitude towards Grolfir doesn't convince me...at all. Especially with the

'Fuck it, there's always a first time for everything.'

Totally out of character for Greg.

You should've left it to "If she wants me to give herself to you, then I will."

You do a very good job at describing Arolius. It is smooth and really good. The history about the black orcs gives a sense of purpose to your story and gives me a reason to read it.

I've kept my bookmark on the scene where Greg exits the tent and heads towards his own.

A short progress but a progress nonetheless.

I'll post the rest of my review in next post.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some asses to kick. Seeya!

 

[Jessie92]

Advice please?

My first series, the descending of jessica, http://www.literotica.com/s/the-descending-of-jessica all scored above 4.50 with the exception of the first chapter, which is currently at 4.49. So far I've posted two chapters of my second series, Ambers Tale,http://www.literotica.com/s/ambers-tale-ch-01 and it is scoring much lower, with fewer over all views. I was hoping you could read them when you get a chance and give me an opinion as to why. I really don't want to bore people, but before I put any more effort into it I'd like some feed back as to what is wrong/different.

 

[Sammael Bard]

My first series, the descending of jessica, http://www.literotica.com/s/the-descending-of-jessica all scored above 4.50 with the exception of the first chapter, which is currently at 4.49. So far I've posted two chapters of my second series, Ambers Tale,http://www.literotica.com/s/ambers-tale-ch-01 and it is scoring much lower, with fewer over all views. I was hoping you could read them when you get a chance and give me an opinion as to why. I really don't want to bore people, but before I put any more effort into it I'd like some feed back as to what is wrong/different.

Sure! I've added you to the list. I'll PM you after I've done my review

 

[Sammael Bard]

My Review for The Missing Dragon Ch. 02 by Lien_Geller (Continued, part 2)

Sorry for leaving your review in the middle as I didn't want my grumpy mood to affect anyone's story review.

So, I'm picking up from where Greg leaves Grolfir's tent.

As I've said before and I'll say it again, you don't deal with Janette's behaviour well enough. Everything is a tiny bit abrupt. I'll overlook this part from now onwards because I don't want to whine about it anymore.

What has happened can't be changed. I'll have to accept it as a part of your plot.

I must spill one of my observations out here about the general high-scoring stories in Lit:

Most of the people (80% of the readership) prefer to have a story with 65 parts erotica and 35 parts plot. You have managed to keep this proportion steady from the beginnings of the story and I think that it paves the way for a great read.

You don't stall the story for a fuck-fest. Being bored is the last thing on my mind when I read this series. Good job on that front!

Nothing really of significance uptil now...oh, yes wait!

I liked that little part where the slave doesn't understand the meaning of minutes. A very subtle thing but I hope you realize that it helps in cementing the fantasy world into the mind of the readers.

And that part where you make Bolut speak fluent English is very good. Every little thing adds a little more detail to the canvas of your story.

Your erotica is well written and quite thorough. Detailed and well-described, it is really good.

You have again spiked up the mystery factor with the pair of eyes that watch them. Good! Although nothing else is mentioned throughout the series, it's good for the time being.

Since your story has been set into a fantasy world, it's a good thing that you've included description about the orcs and their daily lives. A big boost for the world in the mind of readers.

Character description is good and memorable. I think it is a very tough job to handle such a vast array of characters, each with their specific traits. You've done a great job there!

Matronly Valise.
Dummy Torren.
Slutty Talina.

Now, I've reached the part where Greg reaches the strip joi...ahem, I mean Talise's tent of carnal pleasures.

From now onwards I see a lot of teasing, sucking, kissing....etc. etc. and it's a high grade erotica from my point of view. What I really like is the spontaenity and a new variety of acts that are very rare in Literotica. A very good job on this front!

Okay, I'll have to leave your review again It's time for my medication. I leave my bookmark at the tent of carnal sin.
______

So, another interruption and you might be muttering obscene profanities in my name. Guilty as charged

I'm doing my review from the part where Greg lands into Talise's tent and the adventures henceforth.

Sex, sex and a lot of high quality erotica scenes written out here. I can't really find anything wrong with it and found that it was very good.

I liked the fact that you managed to make it entertaining enough to read through it. Generally, I would rather skim through the erotica to save my time.

The endings of chapter 2 has ticked all the right boxes in my case and doesn't need any more words of appreciation from me.

One small thing to point out though, the ring was silver and when silver is very hot, it glows an iridescent white and not yellow as you mentioned it. (The scene where Freddie burns to death)

You can compare my review to your story if you want to see if I've been rambling all along. I don't have much to say against your story because the mistakes are very small. So, this chapter's review will lack the summary that I usually provide.

I hope that my running review was satisfactory for you.

Like last time, you are free to offer your advice to make my review thread a better one and point out anything I might've missed in your chapter's review.

 

[_Lynn_]

I don't have a series for you, but I have one on the Top List in the non-erotic category that was written in 2009 and has been in the top ten since it was posted. I Love You Because is from a song of the same name.

There's also a non-erotic story that won a Lit holiday contest in 2010 and is non-erotic. Maggie's Gift was a part of NaNo 2010 that I wrote in one day. The inspiration came from the image of a cabin in the middle of a blizzard.

If you have time, do your thing.

 

[Sammael Bard]

I don't have a series for you, but I have one on the Top List in the non-erotic category that was written in 2009 and has been in the top ten since it was posted. I Love You Because is from a song of the same name.

There's also a non-erotic story that won a Lit holiday contest in 2010 and is non-erotic. Maggie's Gift was a part of NaNo 2010 that I wrote in one day. The inspiration came from the image of a cabin in the middle of a blizzard.

If you have time, do your thing.

No worries!

I'll love to go through your work. I'll let you know by a PM when I'm done

 

[Lien_Geller]

Lien_Geller Vs TheSoulFulBard. Round 2. FIGHT!

Your first comment was a little bit... odd. Is this a news report from the Playboy Mansion? No, it's a sex story written for Literotica, a site that has far less scruples than the Playboy Mansion and far more sexy-time loving fans of written naughtiness. ^_^

I do, however, agree that this is the slowest start of any of my stories. Ch. 4 has a much more interesting opening line, and I myself get sick of stories that begin chapters with a weather report. I think I did this because the first chapter was so well received I wanted it to have a slower build-up to let the reader sink back into the world. Not sure that came across that way though and I'd definitely tighten it up on an edit.

Your comments on describing Gregory were admittedly a little disappointing. It's not that the criticism itself is bad, but I try as much as possible to include fun times for both genders in my stories. I often feel like I'm giving the ladies the short end of the stick, because the tale is being told largely from Gregory's perspective. The paragraphs you pointed out were an attempt to show just why a lot of the ladies are attracted to him in the first place. It was also to try and give an outside look at the character who I hadn't described all that much since the opening paragraphs of the first chapter.

I do see what you mean in that I don't like it when other characters voice praises for a character who hasn't earned that praise. An author who does this a lot in her earlier work is Nora Roberts. She wants to project her tough as nails cop as a bitch with a heart of gold. So whilst the detective is bullying a witness in the interview room, her friends standing in observation will tell us how she's being "smart" and it's "better to get this out of the way now" to make sure the person the detective is being a total bitch to is innocent. (By the way, anyone who's read the series I'm talking about there should know that I do actually like it overall, it's just a few instances that piss me off.)

I don't really think that counts in this respect though. Gregory's shown to be attractive in the writing and Talina appreciates it. I think this might be more of a pacing issue? Not a lot is happening at first and descriptive writing can slow things down. I think I might have gone a little overboard, and it might have been better to spread out her thoughts on his appearance as they walked and talked rather than lumping them there at the start.

Also, I won't forget Algra, and I enjoy imagining Janette getting fucked. So there!

I'm glad you liked Talina though! I honestly introduced her as a character who would become important later. Didn't realise she had quite this much of an impact. Good to know! I think this might be because there was a little more build up with her, more teasing and anticipation rather than the almost immediate gratification that happened with Algra and Janette.

And damn, I really was hoping I'd laid enough of the groundwork for Greg's conversation with Grolfir. Here is a guy who's been used to people bigger than him trying to take his stuff for years. He's also gotten pretty good at kicking their butts. He also knows that you don't show weakness in front of an orc and expect a positive outcome! Greg has been thrown into a new world and he's trying to adapt, but he'd rather get beaten to a pulp than lay down for guys like Freddie. That's the attitude he carries into Grolfir's tent with him and it's why he does what he does. Does that really not come off in any way at all? Cuz if it don't then I done fucked up!

Next up, I'm glad you liked the showing off of Arolius! I hoped I did this in a decent way rather than the infodump I knew it could have been. I tried to make it a bit of a ninja-infodump since you get to know about the world through an active and important conversation between Greg and Grolfir.

(Part 2!)

I know I've been having some problems with Janette. She's kind of Greg's anchor in a way, and sort of a guide for him in traversing strange new waters. Unfortunately I didn't spend nearly enough time in the first chapter properly building up their relationship. I do think that Janette will probably be the character in the series that grows the most by the time its over though. For now she's a bit of a problem, but she's a hot redheaded problem with big boobs, and those are the best kind!

I'm glad you noticed the watching eyes too! The owner of those eyes will turn out to be fairly important.

Side note: When reviewing stories, try to get character names right! Talina suddenly became Talise in your review. It's ok though, you're ill. I'll let you off with a caution. ^_~

Finally, glad you liked the conclusion and speaking of fucking up I totally changed the colour of the ring from silver to gold by accident. Tune in for Chapter 4 when it turns rainbow coloured!

Thanks for the thoughts! It's given me quite a bit to ponder. I'm glad the important stuff seems to be working, and I'll try to address some of the issues you mentioned in further chapters. It's always great to get a fresh perspective and the detail you went into was fantastic. Thanks very much! I also know you said that you'd check out Ch. 03 next but if you want to then feel free to consider this post a placeholder for that and go through some other requests. I don't wanna be a review-hog!

Thanks again!

 

[Sammael Bard]

To Lien_Geller

I appreciate it that you liked my review, albeit with a few mistakes here and there.

Your work is one of the finest out here, so I will advise you to take everything I say with a grain of salt.

If you feel that my criticism in some places are unneccesary, feel free to ignore it

The one shenanigan with Grolfir was that single outburst : "...but fuck it, there is a first time for everything"

Only 1 single line.

Sorry with that Talise thing, I must've wanted to mention Valise. Either ways, I'm sorry

Anyways, I really want to bump up a group sex story ahead of your chapter 3. I don't want to keep the ladies waiting.

I'll do your review with fresh eyes after I've done her review.

Cheers,

The Soulful Bard

 

[Sammael Bard]

My Review for Oiled Up & Ready... by marriedpervs

DISCLAIMER: These are my views alone. I never harbor any personal grudge against anyone while doing my reviews. I try to be neutral and clinical. The thoughts of this dumbass are his alone and might not be shared by everyone.

So here are my thoughts for your story. I'll jot down my thoughts as I go through your work:

As I read your first two paragraphs, I want to say a few things beforehand:

1. Your story has a lighter tone than the ones I've been reading till the past few days and it's like a breath of fresh air. I like the nearly excited tone at the mention of the party and this gets me involved in a good way.

2. Your story is written in first person, which carries a soft corner in my heart. Combine that with the fact that it's a story from a gal's point of view, I wanna clap my hands and say "Woohoo!"

Sample your first few lines:

" The pool party was awesome! It was at Al's place, and he was throwing a massive end of financial year party to reward all the Estate Agency staff."

This story is written in the past tense, which means that the party had already occured. The line "...and he was throwing a massive...." doesn't fit into what you're actually trying to say.

Not grammatically wrong but it gives off a wrong sense of time and feel to me. You may ignore this minute thing, if you want

Though not a major thing, your story feels a bit rushed, as if you're trying to jump into the main event. Slow down a bit, and let your characters express themselves. I telling this to you after you introduce Al to Steve.

A few clunky sentence around here such as:

"....but also wanted badly to suck her nipples and make love to her. I wondered if today I might get that chance."

Acc. to me, it should've been like:

"...but also wanted to suck her nipples and make love to her so bad. I wondered if I might get that chance today."

Reading your work out loud can help you in pinpointing mistakes that are not obvious during the first time. I can point out such minor mistakes throughout the first few paras that I've read, and although it's not THAT big an issue, it caught my eye.

You really don't give me enough groundwork to say my thoughts on your characters. Dee is someone who enjoys sex and it's evident from her expression and thoughts. This is the only conclusion that I can form after reading 2 pages.

I can't say much about Steve or the others.

Plot was 'awwright'. I wasn't expecting a gasping thriller in 2 Lit pages but overall, this story was good in terms of the incident and the orgy you were trying to convey.

Teasing and the sex was awesome and really good. I don't read group sex in general, so I don't have much data to compare this story with others. But I can vouch for its originality and eroticism

If you ask me about the bad part, I do have a few minor things to point out to you:

Although, your story is limited to sex and fun, it felt a bit hollow somehow. The saving grace for your story was that you didn't try to drag it and kept it short 'n sweet.

More than a few places where word usage seems misplaced. This tends to make the reading a bit bumpy from me. Otherwise, it was a smooth sailing.

The Verdict: Basically a short and sweet story about swinging, it did its job in the 2 Lit pages. Plot was okay and the sex very good. Apart from a few writing errors it came off as a good read.

 

[marriedpervs]

Hi SB,

I'm glad to hear you've started to recover from the insect bite!! I am allergic to bees so I know just how painful they can be.

Thank you sincerely for taking the time to not only read one of my many stories, but also to write and post your review.

As you no doubt realize now after reading this story my literary talents really only extend to descriptions of events that have taken place in my life that I choose to share with LIT readers.

Ok, so here's my response and comments relating to your review - and I look forward to any other reviews of my stories you feel inclined to offer.

As I read your first two paragraphs, I want to say a few things beforehand:

1. Your story has a lighter tone than the ones I've been reading till the past few days and it's like a breath of fresh air. I like the nearly excited tone at the mention of the party and this gets me involved in a good way.

I try to always make stories happy and fun, as this is the spirit with which I try to live my life and my sex life fits in with that, of course.

2. Your story is written in first person, which carries a soft corner in my heart. Combine that with the fact that it's a story from a gal's point of view, I wanna clap my hands and say "Woohoo!"

Yep, I am a woman!

Sample your first few lines:

" The pool party was awesome! It was at Al's place, and he was throwing a massive end of financial year party to reward all the Estate Agency staff."

This story is written in the past tense, which means that the party had already occured. The line "...and he was throwing a massive...." doesn't fit into what you're actually trying to say.

Not grammatically wrong but it gives off a wrong sense of time and feel to me. You may ignore this minute thing, if you want

Hmmm, I always have a little trouble with the 'tenses' and stuff like that. I was never very good at English in school, but got an A for Sex Ed! Go figure......


Though not a major thing, your story feels a bit rushed, as if you're trying to jump into the main event. Slow down a bit, and let your characters express themselves. I telling this to you after you introduce Al to Steve.

Good advice. I must admit I do rush towards the sex scenes when I am writing. I will endeavour to build things sower and better in future efforts.

A few clunky sentence around here such as:

"....but also wanted badly to suck her nipples and make love to her. I wondered if today I might get that chance."

Acc. to me, it should've been like:

"...but also wanted to suck her nipples and make love to her so bad. I wondered if I might get that chance today."

Reading your work out loud can help you in pinpointing mistakes that are not obvious during the first time. I can point out such minor mistakes throughout the first few paras that I've read, and although it's not THAT big an issue, it caught my eye.

You really don't give me enough groundwork to say my thoughts on your characters. Dee is someone who enjoys sex and it's evident from her expression and thoughts. This is the only conclusion that I can form after reading 2 pages.

Fair enough. Dee is me!

I can't say much about Steve or the others.

He's JUST my hubby and lifetime lover - we met in high school and are married 26 years last week.

Plot was 'awwright'. I wasn't expecting a gasping thriller in 2 Lit pages but overall, this story was good in terms of the incident and the orgy you were trying to convey.

Yes, fair enough. This story was about the party, and I wasn't really working on a plot. More of a description about how much fun we had that day.

Teasing and the sex was awesome and really good. I don't read group sex in general, so I don't have much data to compare this story with others. But I can vouch for its originality and eroticism.

LOL. I can't say too much about the quality of the writing, but the group sex that day was up there!!

If you ask me about the bad part, I do have a few minor things to point out to you:

I'm a big girl - a 50 year old woman actually - turned 50 on June 15.......so I can take it. I asked you to review one of my stories because as you can see, I have written many. The thing I have never done though is to have a proper review done, which will help me look more critically at my writing and perhaps help me focus on the issues relating to a good story, and good writing, rather than just fun, sexy tales of what I get up to in my private and professional life.


Although, your story is limited to sex and fun, it felt a bit hollow somehow. The saving grace for your story was that you didn't try to drag it and kept it short 'n sweet.

More than a few places where word usage seems misplaced. This tends to make the reading a bit bumpy from me. Otherwise, it was a smooth sailing.

The Verdict: Basically a short and sweet story about swinging, it did its job in the 2 Lit pages. Plot was okay and the sex very good. Apart from a few writing errors it came off as a good read.

Well, I have to be happy with this first review to be honest. A few god points raised and hopefully you enjoyed the story within the spirit it was written.

Thanks again and I will look forward to any further reviews you might offer this old girl!!

I have added a pic of me so you know who you're reviewing. Hope you like it, and to be truthful, the devil in me hopes it also stirs your loins a little.........



Love, DEE

 

[Sammael Bard]

Hi Dee

I've just woke up with a hard on and noticed this pic in my PM box. You can only imagine that I'll be walking with a tent in my shorts for a good 20 more minutes

You're beautiful, Dee, and obviously in a great shape Your husband is definitely a very lucky man to have you. I wish the best for your marriage and hope that it lasts forever

I'll be happy to provide my thoughts for your other stories, if you ask for it.

This man is at your service

Best Regards,

The Soulful Bard

 

[marriedpervs]

HI SB,

OOooh, I like a man who wakes up with a boner!!!!!! Great way to start any day...

I'd love to know what you think of this story, as it was quite a fun adventure and out of the ordinary for me.

http://www.literotica.com/s/bondage-chronicles


Shall I send you another photo as a reward SB???

 

[Sammael Bard]

HI SB,

OOooh, I like a man who wakes up with a boner!!!!!! Great way to start any day...

I'd love to know what you think of this story, as it was quite a fun adventure and out of the ordinary for me.

http://www.literotica.com/s/bondage-chronicles


Shall I send you another photo as a reward SB???

I've added your story into my list. I'll let you know through a small PM.

And Yes! I'd definitely like to see more

 

[AZMotherLover]

I'd like to submit a story for review. It's a mother/son incest story with an unusual and (I think) original twist on a common theme.

It's called Not your typical panty sniffing story.

Thanks in advance for your time and your opinion.

 

[Sammael Bard]

I'd like to submit a story for review. It's a mother/son incest story with an unusual and (I think) original twist on a common theme.

It's called Not your typical panty sniffing story.

Thanks in advance for your time and your opinion.

Okay!

I'll let you know through a PM when I've done my review for your story.

 

[Sammael Bard]

My Review for The Missing Dragon Ch. 03 by Lien_Geller

DISCLAIMER: These are my views alone. I never harbor any personal grudge against anyone while doing my reviews. I try to be neutral and clinical. The thoughts of this dumbass are his alone and might not be shared by everyone.

So here are my thoughts for your story. I'll jot down my thoughts as I go through your work:

The beginnings of your story are more impressive than the last one with action right from the beginning. I liked the imagery that you presented during the aftermath of Freddie's death.

I'll skip to the scene where Greg claims it to be his fault. It's okay with that. He's trying to save someone else from Grolfir's punishment and that's a noble deed.

It felt a little like hacking off his own foot when he started blabbering about the whole camp being burned to the ground. It felt a little bit overdone. Was it what you meant to write?

Okay, so Grolfir deems Gregory as a child AFTER the accident and strips him off his possesion because children aren't supposed to have any. So, what the hell had been happening all this time Greg was in the camp? Was he not a child back then with a LOT of possession? This point is not a criticism, per say, but I'm curious.

I do have a problem with Algra being so sexually knowledgable, you know, with her previous experince of just being banged to the floor (read orc sex)

The exchange between Greg and Janette was good enough without being melodramatic. A classic "hero going off to war but stopped by his beholden" that never gets old

Again a gung-ho attitude from Greg. I've started relating these occasional bursts of berzerk-ness to Greg's character, now that you've done it more than once. Him being clever most of the time and losing his mind sometimes now adds a new bit of 'thingy' to the character sketch of Greg in my mind.

You've mentioned earlier that it was the basic of self defence to avoid a fight in the first place. There is a fight here, so you could make him a bit more careful so that it doesn't feel out of his nature. Am I rambling?

You did a really great job in describing orcish traditions and way of life till now. I can easily visualise their way of living and their brutish ways. Good job!

The fight was absolutely great in terms of action and ferocity. I LOVE action, and it was a good one at that.

Oh, and backdeal that Emmet has with Talina adds a lot of mystery to the story and is one of the many ingredients in keeping your readers hooked. Great!

Like Talina in the 2nd chapter, Valise adds a lot more mystery to her character in terms of her uncanny abilities and skill. Really cool.

Okay, I read to the part where Greg wakes up and.....Janette has blue eyes? I'll have to check it out...

Humor is a good thing and I support it immensely in between the story to lighten up the mood and keep the readers engaged.

Aaaaaandd finally we see/have the mention of the first living dragon in the story. *Applause*

This chapter really pumps it up in increasing the intrigue factor of your tale and makes sure that readers have to come back for more of it. Mysteriousness shrouding your story and its plot is a very good thing.

Remember when I criticised your way for lumping description of Greg in the first page?

I really love the way you describe Valise. Smoothe as a silky butter and I never felt bored. I can't say that I didn't see that coming (Valise and Greg fucking) but it was rather expected from our Casanova protagonist It doesn't sound cheesy and is actually a bit of fun to read.

Okay, so I'll leave my review to the place where Janette leaves the courtesan's tent. I'll continue it sometimes later.
________

Aaannd I'm back

So, I've just whizzed through the last few pages and am staring at the end of Chapter 3. These are my thoughts for the sum total of TMD series. I might miss a few points, so you can point it out if you want.

1. The plot has grown into a bit more serious theme from the beginning of the story. I loved the story for what it is and what potential it has. The third chapter has a lot of intrigue to it and is, by far, the best chapter in your series in terms of plot and writings.

The humor in the story is a big boost from my point of view.

A lot of things happened in the third chapter and showed that all is not sunshine and butterflies in this world. Good job!

If you intend to end this story then you have a LOT to write, buddy. Anything shorter and your story will suffer. I can easily visualise 4 chapters more of this tale.

2. Character development: Not all the characters are outstanding here and I think I have to say something (ramble a lot) about this.

1. Talina: She's the best character in my opinion. Really, she's a perfect mixture of all the things to make her interesting as well as intriguing. You've done a great job in her department.

2. Greg: Strangely, our protagonist comes second though. A bit of little fuckups in the second chapter are probably influencing me but I don't know....he doesn't stand his ground against Talina.

I think that has to do with the fact that you've tried to create such a perfect character? Greg is rarely at fault. As a reader, I love to see imperfections in a character that make them seem more Human.

3. Grolfir: The orc chief comes out as someone who is tough and made of something more than orc meat. I like him a lot. Although he doesn't make that big an appearance, he still left his imprint.

4. Valise: She is one person who's story I'd definitely love to hear. The third chapter gives a lot of spotlight on her and I'm really curious about her. Elf story?

4. Janette: I gave you hard time for not dealing with her feelings the last time, but I have to say that it was somewhat amended in the 3rd chapter. Not much left to say about her, though.

5. Algra: How exactly do you envision the stunning orc warrior?

To me, she comes off as a bit dumb and a sex-crazed brute after reading the 3 chapters. I noticed this only in the 3rd chapter. She doesn't say much intelligent words except for proffessing her affections for Greg and rutting with him and Janette.

3. Erotica: Dude! I've got to be kidding me if I said that it was not awesome. Really great sex scenes and fucking out there. I don't think you need assurance from me on that.

Overall, a really great fantasy story with just the right mix of plot and erotica.

Unforgettable.

One word, if I had to tag your story with only one word. A few fuckups to mend here and there, otherwise a very good job.

Like I said, these tiny fuckups are visible to me only after reading your story for the second time, and that too because you're asking me to critique it. Otherwise, I wouldn't have minded them at all

So, this was my review for your TMD series. I hope that I may have covered all the important points for you and they prove helpful in your editing.

 

[TxRad]

I'll toss one out. Just remember it is the very first thing I ever wrote and this is the unedited version.

Sweet and Spicy Horny Toads Ch. 01

There are 20 chapters in all.

 

[Sammael Bard]

I'll toss one out. Just remember it is the very first thing I ever wrote and this is the unedited version.

Sweet and Spicy Horny Toads Ch. 01

There are 20 chapters in all.

Okay! I'll let you know through a PM when I'm done.

BTW, I have a question:

What exactly(story, plot, character development etc.) do you need my review on?

I noticed that the first chapter is 2 pages and am guessing that the next chapters will have the same size.

I mostly give a running review for stories and I write my thoughts as I go through it.

Do you need such a review or do you want me to give an overall review for your whole story?

It'll be good to know beforehand

 

[Lien_Geller]

Lien_Geller Vs. TheSoulfulBard ROUND 3... FIGH- Oh bugger it, put the kettle on!

Woohoo! Thanks very much for this, mate. It's great to get some thorough feedback on these stories. I have a few wonderfully enthusiastic commenters but it's the first time anyone's actually given me feedback on the whole series. It was invaluable! Cheers!

So here are my thoughts on your thoughts.

Glad you liked the lead-in this time. In retrospect, I don't like ending on cliffhangers. Given my innate slowness it's just mean! Still, this one let me carry the momentum forwards effectively and it really starts off with a bang, then a beatdown. ^_^

About the camp being burned to the ground, Freddie exploded in a giant fireball. The camp is full of tents pitched very close together and a few wooden buildings. Freddie's demise could have been a lot worse. In any case, Greg isn't out of place suggesting it.

As for being branded a child by Grolfir, Gregory had earned his "adulthood" by beating Algra in combat and taking her thereafter. There isn't really any thorough testing process to be able to own property in orcish society. It's just really a case of winning enough in the provings to show that you could enter into battle without getting yourself or your comrades killed. Orcs are also have innately fiery tempers and the provings allow them to learn how not to flip out every time someone looks them in the eye. They do this by allowing those hotheads to get bashed in the head a lot and learn pack tactics. ^_^

Anyhoo, when Grolfir first met Gregory he deemed him ok enough to be considered an orc for the time being. He didn't really know what to make of him, and decided to give the benefit of the doubt. Either he assumed he might go back to where he came from or that Algra would grow bored of him. When neither of those things happened, and Greg made the mistake of letting his prisoner go free, Grolfir decided that instead of punishing him he'd test him. He's also countering Elder Wren who wants Gregory dead for his actions. (He did technically allow the camp to be endangered) So when Wren says that he's a child, Grolfir runs with it rather than admitting he's an adult and making him face the very unpleasant discipline of the orcish justice system.

Algra is sexually knowledgeable because she's already been mated once. It's mentioned. ^_^ Greg isn't her first. Do I say that he is somewhere?

Greg also is a bit gung-ho. This is a guy who's been bullied for most of his early life and learned to not be afraid of punching back. He's also got a bit of a temper on him as well! He doesn't back down, especially not when if he did he might get someone else into trouble. If he didn't take up Grolfir's challenge and go through with it, the orcs might have taken Valise instead to be punished. Again, not a fun scenario.

Dragons, you say? Hm. Funny that...

Answering your final points:

1: I kind of started this story off just writing and seeing where it went. That is painfully visible to me from re-reading it these days. Now I have a plan in mind that's going to take it very far indeed. I certainly do have a shitload to write! *cries*

2: The characters are sometimes a little bit frustrating for me too. Janette in particular is someone I'd have rearranged a bit if I knew where this whole thing was going. She's not unsalvageable, and I still like her, but hindsight is 20/20 and all that

1 (again): I have a lot of fun writing Talina. I'm glad that comes across in the reading.

2 (again): Greg has the slight problem of being something of an author fantasy persona. I think this becomes less of an issue after chapter 1 when I was just writing for the shits and giggles. I think you're right that he comes into his own more, and by chapter 3 we're very different people. Go fight a bunch of 7ft tall warriors? No thanks! I'd be off exploring and probably getting eaten elsewhere.

3 (for the first time!): Glad you liked Grolfir. He is indeed a badass.

4: Valise: She's a bit of a mystery, and her full story won't come out until I'm nearing the end of the series. So in about ten squillion years or so you might figure out where she's from.

4 (again): Janette. Like I said, she's the weakest of the lot I think. I have big plans for her, but for now she's just the one who's probably keeping Greg's feet on the ground and reminding him who he really is.

5: Algra. She isn't dumb, she's just abrupt. She thinks that humans use too many words, and though she can secretly speak the human language fluently, she prefers to just keep it to the essentials. She has a stunningly low tolerance for bullshit and she could crush your skull with her bare hands. After Grolfir, Algra Strongblood is also probably one of the five greatest warriors in the orc territories.

3 (Ok, I don't know what you used to number these but I want to try whatever it's drinking): Erotica. Very glad you liked this. If this bit doesn't work, it probably shouldn't be hanging around here!

Thanks very much for reviewing the series as a whole! I'll leave you alone now to review other people's stuff. ^_^ Enjoy!

 

[Sammael Bard]

My Review for That Damn Red Dress by lovecraft68.

DISCLAIMER: These are my views alone. I never harbor any personal grudge against anyone while doing my reviews. I try to be neutral and clinical. The thoughts of this dumbass are his alone and might not be shared by everyone.

I'll jot down my thoughts as I go through this story.

I've read and reviewed only Scifi and Non con for the past few days , so I think that my thoughts might be a bit colored for the beginnings of your story.

Your story starts with a sex scene, which is alright, and has put some decent hooks like the problem with her Dad. Although your story feels a bit slow at the beginning, it gains the momentum as I read on and keeps me engrossed.

Reactions to situations and emotions feel natural and the conversation real. That is well done by you, as many authors fuck that up.

You've done more than a decent job in writing as a female protagonist, that too in first person. I've seen so many authors muddling and messing up in this department that yours feels like a respite.

The family history feels aptly put, and explanatory as I can expect from a young girl. As she explains the tragedy, I can feel that she has got over most of it, unlike her Dad. And that little waterworks was not out of place either.

The scene where her drunk dad has a conversation (or so) with Nicole and her uncle feels a bit out of place. You could tighten it up for an edit. A bit woozy conversation, a far cry from the ones earlier I was reading.

The scene where Nicole takes the place of her Mom is good. The hesitation is evident enough and fortunately, you didn't try something like instant sex. A gradual development until now.

I've reached the scene where her Dad has been brought home by his boss and he's crying in his room.

I think you overdid that little saying "do with love" and the end result was that I couldn't care more. Don't use a phrase to such an extent that it wears off its impact on the readers. The first few times were good, but felt repetitive later.

To make something cherished, make it rare. (Thus spake Bardy! )

Hmmmm...I see that the protagonist is unwilling to have a sexual relationship with her Dad. Very different from the general stock around here though and really good in terms of originality. I'm writing this as Nicole pretends to be her mom for the second time.

I really like the details that you've gone through and it really feels as if a female character is speaking. Good job!

Now, I've finished reading the story and I'll try to sum up my thoughts into a few points:

The Good:

1. The plot was unconventional and stands apart from the general stock out here. Generally, I expect romance in such a category but your story was one of sacrifice and healing.

I enjoyed reading it and a part of that element was the surprise at what the story had to offer. Overall, I would say that it was a very good read.

2. You describe the reluctance of Nicole to have sex with her father very well. Enjoying sex with him is natural, and anyone might enjoy it because of the stimulation. A really good job on that front.

3. Erotica was well-written and I couldn't really find any faults with that. It was written as it should've been.

4. The characters are well-played out and have a life of their own. I never felt as if they were lacking something.

A really great job in writing from Nicole's eyes. I didn't smell any maleness oozing out from her.

5. The conclusion to your story was very good and satisfactory. Her dad finding out came off as a big surprise but it was sweet and endearing nonetheless. A nice happy ending.

The Bad:

1. The conclusion feels a bit jumped on with the conversation and all.

Yeah, I just praised it and now, I'm being a meanie.

No, I'm talking about the last scene in its entirity. The pace of the story ending has a booster, a far cry from the relaxed and emotional tone I was having till now. Too many people talking too many things at the same time. Grazie?

2. Jim's reaction during some scenes (he suddenly gets a glazed look over his eyes outta nowhere) irked me a bit.

I'm, personally, not experienced in dealing or experiencing the company of a drunk but it did feel a bit out of place from the conventional image in my mind. The question in my mind that was left was - Is it really possible?

Conclusion- A great read and it's the first time I've ever read such a type of story The mistakes are very minor, and only visible to me because you asked me to nitpick it. Otherwise a near flawless reading experience.

Overall, I should say that it's quite different and I should peg this story and Hypoxia's 'That's My Girl' together for being so different from the general stock out here.

So, these are my thoughts on your story. I hope I have been satisfactory in my review.

 

[lovecraft68]

Thank you for taking so much time with such a detailed review.

The biggest compliment I take from this is that none of my "maleness" oozed out. I take pride in the fact I've done well here writing in a female voice.

I also appreciate the fact that you called out how different is was for that category, pretty much what I was going for.

As for your main critique about the rushed ending. Alas it was a contest entry and a fairly last minute one. The person who edited my story(Thank you author Patientlee!) was also under the gun for when she needed the finished story to edit so....unfortunately it sped up a little near the end.

Thanks again for your time and thoughtful points.

 

[TxRad]

Okay! I'll let you know through a PM when I'm done.

BTW, I have a question:

What exactly(story, plot, character development etc.) do you need my review on?

I noticed that the first chapter is 2 pages and am guessing that the next chapters will have the same size.

I mostly give a running review for stories and I write my thoughts as I go through it.

Do you need such a review or do you want me to give an overall review for your whole story?

It'll be good to know beforehand

Answered in PM

Thanks in advance.